Thinking About Bl

I can totally read straight hxntai when I was younger but when I started reading BL, I also started to read less straight hxntai.
And now my situation is like this:
I can read BL w a plot and smut scenes but if you give me another manga w a hetero couple and w the same plot, I can't read it at all unless it's a plotless one and I it has tags that I like + I only skim it. Other than that, I won't view it.
Does anyone relate to what I said?? (╥_╥)
I don't hate reading straight hxntai, it is that I can't handle reading it. I really wanted to read (╥_╥)


Ps. I'm only talking about w smut scenes :*

A comic about a guy getting together with their sibling’s ex (whether the sibling is dead or not is up though) OR a comic about a guy getting together with the person who’s killed (or murder accomplice) their loved one.

Both are kinda awkward to me but personally I’d pick the ex lol it’s weird that it’s a pretty common plot in romance... the latter is usually in isekai tho

Been pondering this thing for a while, but haven't voiced it anywhere, because only thinking about it makes me feel like a complete degenerate. Decided to post it here since I figured this site is filled with degenerates anyway- (sorry about that)

I’ve noticed a pattern with my BL media consumption… with both manga and drama shows. We all know about the top and bottom dynamics (or wife and husband in Asian, especially Thai bl dramas), where one part of the BL pair takes the typical “girl” role, while the other one is the masculine one. I often find myself wishing that the roles were swapped… for example in the drama “Together With Me: The Series”, I kinda wished Korn and Knock swapped roles. I have dropped many manga series because of this ^^; (The most recent one was “Hoshi to Harinezumi”)

It differs if I wished the characters swapped places entirely, personality and all, or if I just wished they swapped *cough* places in bed -
WITH DRAMAS YOU DON’T SEE ANYTHING ANYWAY BUT I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW, OK, JUST FOR MY OWN SATISFACTION O _ O (that came out wrong)

But I feel really bad about it when it’s a drama series because… there are real actors, and even if these are my own personal thoughts, I feel like I am projecting a (dirty, **none of my damn business**) role onto this actor based on their appearance. Even though they don’t know about it and it’s just my thought, I feel like it’s wrong…

With manga, manhua, manhwa, I feel like it shouldn’t matter (unless it’s an important plot point), **why am I so damn picky about these things??**
It’s not that important to the story anyways, but unless everything is exactly like I want it my body just physically rejects the series and I can’t read it. I feel like it’s kinda dumb and I’m missing out on things because of this, so yeah
I don’t want to be one of those fujoshis that is “lusting after yaoi boys but doesn’t care about LGBTQ people whatsoever”, and I know the whole wife/husband, seme/uke thing is not accurate to real life. This is another reason why I feel bad about all this, because in the end “iT sHoUldN’t mAtTeR, iT’s nOt ReAl aNd hOnEstLy thE tRoPe iS kiNdA pRoBleMaTic”. I want gay people to have accurate representation in media, but I’m also a fujoshi who reads yaoi. I’M ALSO ASEXUAL, WHY AM I HERE AND WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH??

Because this is in the questions secion, I would like to hear your thoughts on this^^;
Or just, if you do this or not or if it’s just me…