Questions On Emotions

When i was in grade school, i remember not being well liked because i was so meddlesome lol. And i remember i wanted to change myself so i could be well liked and I've started doing that since i was in middle school. Since then, i've been surpressing myself from getting over excited, trying to act cool, never stating my opinion, and basically not saying or doing anything that could offend others. And now i became the most unnoticeable person lol. No one knows how im really like, not even my close friends. And when people describe me to others, they said that im a very nice person that doesnt get involved in any trouble. Oof. But i enjoyed being alone like this. Anyone here have similar experiences?

So I’ve realised this for a while now and it’s become more noticeable (only to me) during this whole pandemic that I really don’t feel as much (strongly) as most people (I think?).

Like I’ve never actually said anything to anyone on how I feel about this because I don’t want things to get weird between anyone I know but, I notice that I don’t feel as attached to people as they may be to me (sorry it’s hard to put into words).

To begin with I don’t really like any physical contact (ie hugs, pokes, pats, etc) or saying “love you” to family and I can tell it kinda bothers people around me so I try my best to allow hugs but not that often. And people talk about this strong connection you feel with family but I just don’t feel it (don’t know why because they all love me dearly) and with friends they may feel like I’m one of their best friends but I realise I keep them at a distance (this is due to past experiences with other ‘friends’) but this has been improving but, I have never been one to talk in-depth about how I feel and things that happen within my family (don’t want to ruin the mood and have others feel sympathy as I wouldn’t want it).

Another thing is that I don’t really feel any sympathy or empathy for people (like one time I got sent out of class with a friend who was crying and I just stood there thinking “wtf do I do” and then proceeded to tell them it’s alright despite not feeling anything towards how they feel) and I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t experienced something as triggering as that person has (like ignorance in a way) or if it’s just plain heartlessness.

There have been a few eventful things that have happened to the people very close to me (self harming-past and divorce-current) and some people around me have tried to degrade me (this happened a few years back) by making me feel bad about my weight and fitness but (luckily) I have a good enough self confidence and awareness (as in I know I’m not overweight and that they are projecting their own feelings onto me) to ignore those comments. I don’t know if this has made me desensitise slightly or if these have nothin to do with how I feel.

Is it normal to feel this way?
Just to clarify: I do feel things just not as much as others not trying to say I feel nothing and I’m only in my teens (if that has any impact on this)
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