Become Happy Again

it's not that i don't want to or wtv but i can't get out of this grief. Like ik i have to accept it and im trying but i dreamt about them every night. i just spent 20k php on donuts alone yesterday and stacked them altogether made 4 donuts tower. ive been having mental breakdowns over what someone days ago to me and i cant stop crying about it cus like its my fault anyway... maybe if i'd just been honest from the very beginning but i just didnt know what to do. How could i just spill the news to someone who strongly wanted their friend to get better but turns out they weren't? "how is he?" like damn i cant say it to you. idk i felt bad and lied "he's okay." like yk how a child ask abt their pets and u just can't tell them the harsh truth? thats what it felt like to me. Then eventually i needed someone i could grieve with bec nobody can say stuff to me. I met some ppl who keeps encouraging me to live, to atleast finally tell the bad news to them and not grieve alone. I did but they had mixed reactions and i can't exactly blame.

im an advocate for mental health like heck my org have helped many ppl like that, we had a project for mental health awareness month where we gather like in a room and we write something and then we burn the paper as a symbolism that "the pain will go away." which was rlly something to alot of ppl that day. I had to change to 3 shirts bec so many had cried on my shoulders. It was the most significant event in my life.

So i understand. like deep down i do cus i've seen how it affects someone and something. It hurts the only person i couldn't truly help was my own s/o bec gosh wtf has god given to him. but like yknow i did everything i could do. i really did.

so now trying to get better and idk why im saying all of this to mggo but i just wanted to let someone know that they're not alone on what they're feeling. its okay because alot of ppl have taught me that. its a tough road but its okay you can do this.