Forget To Eat

I have no one to talk to but I just needed to let this out. Sometimes.. I just want everything to end. I have always thought of suicide but I'm scared of pain.
I lost my job during the pandemic and I'm basically a burden to everyone around me. I tried applying for jobs and nobody wants me. I do art to redirect my frustrations and disappointments and I think I'm good enough cuz I do comms as well. But these days, even art does not do its magic anymore. Everyday is a constant battle. Thoughts shift from negative to positive to encouraging then completely hopeless. Im so confused.. just everything rapidly. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm hanging on. I'm barely holding on. I tell myself to be strong. That this is just a test for me to overcome. All the self blaming and justifications are just excuses. I want to give up. So bad.

I just want to rest.
Please let me rest.
I'm so tired.
I think I really am crazy.