am i broken for not feeling jealousy?
[Question]
29 08,2024
This may sound like a silly question coming from someone who is already 25, but it only started bothering me relatively recently. As a mostly-introverted gay girl in Serbia I have little experience with relationships so I hope some of you will get it better than I do.
So, like, I'm never jealous? I've had some straight crushes here and there and I've had my girlfriends talking about other people and even liking other people to my face and I've never been jealous cause of it. Sad sure, cause i wanted more of their time and attention and couldn't get it, but never jealous. And, I'm pretty sure intensity of liking them wasn't a problem, i get in fact pretty damn intense when I like someone, I've cried for days 'cause my messages weren't answered, I'd get so exited after over simple hugs i'd start full-on hyperventilating, and I've felt so happy to be in relationship with someone I like I'd go days with almost no sleep or food out of pure euphoria. I've been willing to do anything for those girls, and I did everything i could, and after they'd leave my life I'd always need like a year to recover from a depressive state.
And yet in both of my so-called serious relationships they said to me they felt like i didn't like them enough, or didn't love them. Granted, I've never said THE L WORD, because I take it very seriously and it'd sound silly after knowing each other for, like, 3 months... but they said it to me after few weeks and it did sound silly from them, I knew they only said it to paint a pretty picture in the moment, and it left me more lonely and sad than anything. Only girls who stayed in my life long enough for me to start calling my feelings LOVE were one-sided crushes, and ofc I also never said it to them.
Honestly, I think my lack of possessiveness is big part of the reason they thought I didn't really like them, they did try to make me feel and act jealous and one of them openly admitted she likes it. And, you know what, I get why people like it, I do too - but even so, I just don't feel it? I get envy, and I guess it's kinda similar, but I don't get possessive over people. Am I broken for it? will I never be able to make someone feel loved bc I'm this way? should I act as if I am even if I'm not?
So, like, I'm never jealous? I've had some straight crushes here and there and I've had my girlfriends talking about other people and even liking other people to my face and I've never been jealous cause of it. Sad sure, cause i wanted more of their time and attention and couldn't get it, but never jealous. And, I'm pretty sure intensity of liking them wasn't a problem, i get in fact pretty damn intense when I like someone, I've cried for days 'cause my messages weren't answered, I'd get so exited after over simple hugs i'd start full-on hyperventilating, and I've felt so happy to be in relationship with someone I like I'd go days with almost no sleep or food out of pure euphoria. I've been willing to do anything for those girls, and I did everything i could, and after they'd leave my life I'd always need like a year to recover from a depressive state.
And yet in both of my so-called serious relationships they said to me they felt like i didn't like them enough, or didn't love them. Granted, I've never said THE L WORD, because I take it very seriously and it'd sound silly after knowing each other for, like, 3 months... but they said it to me after few weeks and it did sound silly from them, I knew they only said it to paint a pretty picture in the moment, and it left me more lonely and sad than anything. Only girls who stayed in my life long enough for me to start calling my feelings LOVE were one-sided crushes, and ofc I also never said it to them.
Honestly, I think my lack of possessiveness is big part of the reason they thought I didn't really like them, they did try to make me feel and act jealous and one of them openly admitted she likes it. And, you know what, I get why people like it, I do too - but even so, I just don't feel it? I get envy, and I guess it's kinda similar, but I don't get possessive over people. Am I broken for it? will I never be able to make someone feel loved bc I'm this way? should I act as if I am even if I'm not?
