Look For A Therapist

Im putting a TW on it but i try not to trauma dump too much cos i don’t want yall to have flashbacks or something <3

mmm i just had a recent situation with my mom
like my bank was tweaking and i needed a new card and i asked her if she can send me money so i can buy food and stuff (the bank took 2 weeks to send me a new one) and she told me „yea imma look when im home“ and after some hours she called me and told me some cruel things, she literally embarrassed me so much i still feel like a failure ngl

she said things like:
„you don’t work. when do you work. you’re an adult you have to work finally you’re mental health is just a excuse so you don’t have to work
you only sit on your ass and get money from the government, that’s all you do
technically you get my money cos i work and i pay taxes“
„why don’t you get a therapist“ (as if it is so easy)
you don’t go to doctors (i told her „mom i wanted to die for the past 5 years. doctors are my last concern.)
you don’t do anything, you always say that you don’t go to appointments (i just can’t i know i know i d feel like a failure.)

she also said:
you’re an adult now i wont give you money you have to figure it out yourself, nobody is going to help you when you’re an adult

(in the end my bf gave me money.)

imma give you some examples
this woman has 5 dogs alright? and who’s gonna jump when she needs help? me. who takes care of her horse? me. who always takes some dogs of her in? me. who takes the dogs who are in heat to her? me.
when she has something to do and she’s away over night! who comes over? me.

also when i was a child she was together with a man and i considered this man my stepdad but he for sure is not. he was always angry and did some really bad things to me and her AND our dogs. my brother never got hit by him never
always me or my ma

and she only broke up with him when she had a new man (alcoholic but never abusive. god bless his soul)

but she didn’t felt the need to break up with this man before she found someone new
i was in her care and failed that miserable.
i’m so angry at her cos maybe i would be different if i wodulnt have lived with such a man my whole childhood.

i want to move to another city to cut her off
to finally do this step (my brother already cut her off what is admirable tbh)
i told her im going to move to another city in a year, together with my best friend.
was was so pessimistic like totally
called me out for all of that
she even once talked down my trauma and my mental health
said i’m not worth anything cos i don’t do anything good for our government.
god this woman idfk what to think
on one hand i think
ist her first life too but on the other hand
she’s a mom
act like one.
idk what to feel or to think (╯°Д °)╯╧╧