Real Life Problems

was it just me? or i had a to sign into my account about 5 times, girl i nearly had a heart attack lmao
thought my lists were gonna go on vacay for a sec

I'm just gonna let this out because I feel like if I don't write it down I'm going to explode, and yes this is in an alt acct, because I'm a #pussy and when I vent I feel like that sad bart meme
Anyways
I can't reach out to my family, and I don't mean literally, it's just that talking to them makes me me feel like I want to choke on glass, expode and kill myself in the process
For context, I'm in another country very very far from my family because I'm studying, my family has a group chat where they all talk constantly about anything, but I've never really texted there, because I feel like if I don't have anything important to say, I just don't want to talk
I've always had a rocky relationships with my parents(specially my mom) and with my sisters too, I've never been affectionate with any of them, and plus, we're asian, so yk...
I stuggle pretty much everyday bc I have depression, and it doesn't help that the few times I've talked to both my parents and sisters, we just end up fighting
This time, my mom was asking me if everything was alright, I answered her 'yes', and she got mad out of nowhere, she started telling me how I don't care about the family, how I never call nor text, how no one in society is going to like me because of the way I am, and that I'm going to end up alone, that when I have my own family, they're going to do the same to me, and she ALWAYS says things like that, that I'm inconsiderate, she compares me to her friend's kids, and how they always call each other every now and then, but I never do anything
Part of it it's true, I don't really reach out to them, and this is gonna sound pretty shitty of me, but I don't miss them
Every time I talk with them, they either think they're always right and I'm in the wrong, so we fight, and dismiss my feelings or belittle them, or they don't even want to hear what I'm saying, and when I say that talking to them makes me want to literally kms, I mean it, I always end up feeling like shit
I go back to my gallery and see some old videos where they took before I was born(I'm the little sister of 3 daughters) and I always wonder if all of them would just be better off without me, they all seemed so happy
Even in the group chat they send photos and videos together, I can't help but wish I wasn't even part of that group chat, just dead honestly, it would make their life easier, since my mother constantly says how always make her suffer because she fights with me all the time
I appreciate everything they've done for me, and I will always be grateful for them, but I can't help distancing myself from them, when I just feel shit everytime I do talk to them, it's a full on mental toll that I take week to recover from
I'm just so tired of everything, the guilt is eating me alive, and every night before going to sleep I wish I didn't wake up the next day
Sprry for the long rant