Toxic Parents

This is going to be long- so I wouldn't recommend even reading through it if you aren't interested btw I just want to know if anybody else has parents that are like this or do things like this but I don't want to make it too long either so it's kind of hard to explain

All of my life I always thought the way my mom raised me was okay because she never physically laid her hands on me or anything like that but as I've got older over the years I've realize that it's not okay at all

For instance and just to put it in easier terms I'm scared of her she's raised me and my siblings on fear and control and whatever she says goes and whenever we try asking her something we get screamed and yelled at so I just stopped talking to her about stuff even when I really needed her I just never went to her even on basic stuff like help for an assignment for school or questions about girly things like makeup and shit like that when I was younger but once again I always felt like those feelings I had as I was growing up were normal like I wasn't meant to be able to go to her and ask her for anything because it was stepping out of line even if it was just simple stuff that I should be able to ask my mom

But one time during the beginning of the pandemic in lockdown I had a breakdown right in front of her and she was shocked and it was the first time we've ever had a genuine conversation but it wasn't even that good of one TBH but I told her the very minimum of how I was feeling and she said the exact words 'just wait till we move and you won't feel that way anymore' (move as in move houses btw) and still to this day I have no idea what she was talking about idk how moving is going to magically cure my social anxiety and depression I got from you? When you are the problem? and I've tried bringing it up with her again multiple times but it's just ignored or glossed over of course

She's also never apologized for everything that she's done ever even when it was completely necessary I'm not saying that my Mom owes me anything or anything like that but just one sincere apology would be nice but how she apologizes is giving gifts like whenever she's really fucked up she'll go out like the next day or the day after that and bring us back something she knows we likes for instance food or she'll take us out to a park something like that

But I guess just the main thing of this post is just ranting but I'm genuinely scared I'll turn out just like her because this type of parenting it's passed down you don't just raise your kids like this but even if I don't know what the problems are I'm still scared of subconsciously treating my kids the same way I was treated in my childhood I love kids I want to have kids (adopt) but the thought of putting a little person through what I have gone through disturbs me

also I feel like a lot of parents should have never had kids to begin with I shouldn't be here my mom was never ready for kids