Talk To Yourself

I am actually so disgusted of myself, i genuinely wanna be a better person. I've tried so hard but i keep circling back to the same self centered bitch ☹ I js wish i could js not give a fuck abt others so much that it feels like my heart is a bomb that'll blow up hurting everyone even if it means I'll be hurting myself the most, i keep wanting to be appreciated for what i put my effort into, i keep thinking only of what I've done in a group setting and undermining what others have contributed, i keep getting jealous of everyone and i always end up making them think they're not all that, when THEY ARE. I know that i should learn to appreciate myself and what i have more but what do i do about this craving to make myself be better than everyone else? And tbh im not even all that bad, i get good grades, have a good amount of extracurriculars, enough skill in what i do to be considered better than average, but i still keep wanting what others have. I rlly wish i can stop this bullshit im doing. Are these feelings of mine that i think of as complex actually js a facade for childish feelings to comfort this demon in me or are my feelings actually as valid as i hope they are