otakulys's manga / #ambiguous ending(2)

I debated back and forth on whether or not the black haired guy was just imagining all of this in order to cope with the fact that the blond died before the black haired one could return and save him, or if all of the foreshadowing and hinting didn't mean anything, and it was just a rushed story that could have been a lot better. I'm really on the fence, because all of it, even telling him that they're leaving to get his things, could be him imagining what would have happened if he'd come back in time. I feel like that's more heavily emphasized when the guy is talking about how he left. But if it's a really straight forward story about two guys getting to be together after the other's abusive dad died... well... I mean, if the concept had been fleshed out, it could work, but as it was, it was too short and rushed to have much impact. I don't like sad endings, but in this case, I think the sad ending would have been stronger and made more sense.

Said this in the comments, but basically: I can actually relate to the uke, but in a less extreme sense. I don't do it anymore, but as a little girl, I used to set up situations in order to make myself feel unloved and unwanted. I'm not sure when it started, but I guess it was a form of masochism born from my need to cope with being ripped away from my loving mother and raised with mean children and crappy babysitters because my dad would rather my mom suffer than his daughter be happy and healthy. Basically, it's the sense that if someone supposedly loves or cares about you, some part of you has to prove it isn't true. It isn't that you actually like it. It's more of a compulsion. I don't know why I did it. Maybe to prove to myself that I was incapable of being loved. If someone claimed to care about me, I was much more likely to lash out at them or hurt them. Granted, I moved past that by high school, and I was never cruel to anyone but myself. I just understand where that comes from. I don't know, it's dumb, but this manga really got to me because of that. The uke doesn't want to be vulnerable, so he acts like a dick. He's testing this guy, but pretending it's because he doesn't care. That way he won't get hurt. But secretly, he wants the guy to keep passing the tests. Not-so-secretly by the end, hence the tears. It made me cry, too. I know a lot of people are hating on the character, but I think it's clear he's just a damaged person. Doesn't mean the seme should just tolerate the abuse, but I'd like to imagine a future with them working through all of this together. Maybe they can even be friends with the other kid? I like that it's open but it's still so sad. I wish there'd been more here. You don't see this kind of personality explored often. I wish it were easier to explain, that sheer contradiction of wanting to prove that no one can truly love you and desperately, DESPERATELY wishing that you're wrong.