As I write this, I am left with a few questions. The biggest one is “will Touru ever say, I love you” back. The author left the story as completed, but it hurts to see a realistic ending sometimes. I can understand Touru’s reason behind not saying those words back, but I am happy to see that inside he really does love Touru from the perspective of a lover not just a guardian. He loves him so much that he cannot say it in order to allow the person who is young, vulnerable, possibly confused, and all alone in the world to know that he loves him so much he is willing to let him go. Touru is willing to set free the one person who he has dedicated his entire life to. Touru did not kill the seme’s mother he was simply a passenger in the crash, but he feels just as responsible. He feels guilty for having developed feelings for the child he was supposed to raise and see off. Maybe one day Touru will say the words he hides in his mind and heart everyday. I wish I could see it happen, but even if he does not his silence is the strongest and loudest scream of “I Love You”. Touru does love him and Touru will forever love him despite of himself. He does not feel deserving of the love that the seme is showing him in terms of a lover. He doesn’t even value himself as a proper guardian, he is just doing his best regardless of the circumstances.
Seeing the seme fight his feelings for years up until his last year of highschool was so intense. You could see how hard he tried to convince himself of loving Touru in a fatherly way. However, he could not sit back and watch anymore while the man he loves and yearns for is about to be left everyday on his own. I feel that in the moment while leaving on the bus he could feel how Touru would move on or meet someone new since he wouldn’t be around anymore. I don’t know if Touru would do it considering how he has the tendency to love one-sidedly so earnestly but I think Hirai would have won if the seme would have left Touru alone for all the 4 years. Touru would have wanted the seme to see that he is not lonely and that he will live his life so that it can push the seme to leave him. I don’t think Touru would have truly fallen in love, he would have settled for the seme’s benefit so he would not feel guilty. I know that the seme is sad that Touru won’t say “I love you”, but with enough persistence and perseverance in the future Touru will know that saying “I love you” is what the seme needs more than anything.
I cried slightly about 3 times while reading this. They tears were slow and dripped silently, the tears came from how beautifully raw you could feel the emotions of each character while they try to battle internally the socially “right” vs “wrong” actions. You could feel how realistic the couple are in their relationship in the end once the seme confesses that he loves Touru. Touru and the seme will live together and happily. They were destined to meet one another and will will never be apart. I hope Touru lives a long life, enough so that the seme never has to live without him. Thinking of this made me so sad, but that was the point wasn’t it author-san. Beautifully done my friend.
End Game