Gay for the Gay God's manga / #Angst(331)

Oh man, I read this all through in one sitting and... I have complicated feelings about it. I love it, yeah, but I also am like "okay, well that was unsatisfying"? Might just be me and my weirdness, though. It's a good read if you can stomach all the angst.

This just destroys me every time. Like, oh man, my feelings are just... Sitting like acid in the pit of my stomach. It's so beautiful, and sad, and romantic, and pure, and... And... Just read it. Do it.

Yashiro is one of my favorite characters in general because he keeps trying to justify his pain in ways that only hurt him, and is so damn scared of other people caring about him. He's not broken, but he is cracked, and he refuses to try and fix himself before he shatters.

I like this relationship, and how everyone ends up together in the end. I guess I'm just a sucker for poly relationships.

It's extremely interesting, and extremely fucked up, and I just want everyone to be happy! But the big brother is perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I don't think he realizes that his rationalizations are probably similar to those of his father's.

Alrighty, lemme break this down for you as a psych student who focuses on sexuality and LGBT issues. What happened here is that Nii-chan was abused, okay? Now, he was born gay (because that's how that shit works), but he was also abused. He also didn't realize it, as some children don't (I mean I didn't figure out my abuse until like high school). His parents, being homophobic assholes, were like "YOU WERE MADE GAY BECAUSE HE RAPED YOU!" Since Nii-chan had no support at home (he was exposed to "reparative therapy" which is considered glorified torture and is illegal in many places. look up some stories for the details bc it is horrifying), he didn't get to deal with the issues that come with being sexually abused. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that being gay and being a pedophile were the same thing (no) and that all male-on-male relationships involved one person dominating the other (also no). This could have been avoided if his parents made the distinction between pedophilia and being gay, but they were dicks so they didn't. Anyway, Nii-chan saw Yui as a kid and saw himself. As is common with victims of abuse, especially those who don't actually get support, he restarted the cycle. He reenacted his abuse with Yui. This fucks Yui up, too, but he keeps his sexuality under wraps so he doesn't end up exactly like Nii-chan. When Yui meets Nii-chan again, he is still interpreting their relationship as "love" (it's complicated), and, as Yui learns more about Nii-chan, he starts to put together what happened. Nii-chan is so angry because he never really got to accept himself as gay; his entire life his parents equated that to the abuse he endured. He doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship because the only male-on-male relationship he knows of was sexual abuse. He also has internalized his homophobia, which is why he tries to avoid being the bottom during sex. Yui forces this on him (which is of itself morally dubious, but we'll ignore that for now) so that Yui can attempt to force Nii-chan to accept his sexuality as not being the result of abuse, and maybe start leading them both towards a healthier relationship. Fast forward to their reuniting. In that scene where Nii-chan is so scared of kissing Yui in public (internalized homophobia + aversion "therapy" + sexual abuse = someone who is probably not comfortable with their sexuality), it becomes obvious what the problem was: Nii-chan was gay, and, like I mentioned before, was also so fucked up that he reenacted his abuse with Yui. He was legitimately scared. Now, this doesn't excuse his actions. Child sexual abuse is a serious topic, as I know firsthand. This is just a sort of explanation of what was going on.

God, I love seeing stories that explore this type of stuff. I know that people probably have trouble understanding why Hajime was so messed up from the way his mom treated him, but I understand. The pressure to be perfect is tough, yeah, but if a person never manages to figure out what they want, to struggle and scream and fight for something, they end up floating about aimlessly like dust in a beam of light. He has no idea how to be around other people (also, he's definitely on the spectrum, okay?) because nobody ever gave him the chance to have normal relationships.

Well, that was a story. Always a slut for scared bottoms.

So, speaking as a sexual abuse victim, this story resonates because what Jeremy goes through is painfully accurate. It's real and scary and disgusting and it seeps into your very marrow. This manga is a great, if painful, read.

If only this story would continue...