❀'s manga / #suicidal(9)

the complexity and depth and seriousness in this manhua is literally like nothing i've ever seen before, and for that i have to say it's BEST, though the story was seriously disturbing to me at times due to rape, suicide attempts, and tons of self-harm and depression. there's no way this retelling does it any justice, but it's a masterpiece in its own way. i would say it veers on the side of babying mentally ill characters, always portraying them as in the right and deserving of help. but i think that's the message of this manhua. to bring attention to depression and mental illness and telling us that we need to treasure those people as well. even when people sink to their darkest moments, they can be saved. good art too, a definite plus! so basically seme hates uke cuz he thinks uke's sister and his dad were having an affair and that's why they both died in a car accident together. honestly it's never revealed clearly why they were together that day, but it seems it was not because they were romantically together. i suspect the author changed plots midway. the focus seems to initially be a hate to love relationship, but somewhere in the middle the author went into full mental illness stuff... so seme and uke have to start living in a dorm with 2 other people. seme super hostile to uke, but uke kinda dead and just taking it cuz he's so depressed and has no feelings, all drugged up too. first big event is a school trip and they are rooming together. seme gets super angry and attempts to rape uke. seme pulls back but uke is like i'm used to it and implies that he sells his body to this doctor guy. uke then says it's ok if seme wants to do it cuz he doesn't care either way? at this point seme already has some unhealthy obsession with uke that's turning from hate to desire, so he does fuck uke. then he takes off uke's wet clothes and sees uke's self harm scars all up and down both arms. uke is so upset and this is where the story turns to mental health. for some reason after this happens uke is like completely broken and he can't go to school anymore. the issue i have with this story is that so much focus is given to the mental health awareness that big plot points in the story aren't given enough attention. like things just suddenly happen and you only realize later like what that's it? it was a major plot point but they aren't going to talk about it anymore? and major events are kinda just glossed over.... after uke stops coming to school seme goes to find uke. finds out uke is somehow connected to his past as the boy who called him one time or many times as a child. confusing here and it should have been a big deal that the author just glossed. author also shows them both realizing this fact, but they never get together and actually discuss them finding out their past connection. seems weird we would not see them discuss it, but we do see them acknowledge it later so i guess they spoke about it more off screen?! just didn't feel like enough was communicated about their past reveal. anyway, while this was unravelling, seme found uke at his childhood rundown house and brought him to a new apartment that seme started renting cuz he's the son of a rich family. he brought uke there and promised to heal uke from his trauma and stuff. but honestly kind of weird cuz uke seemed relatively okay, just dead inside before. the rape thing might have set him off even more but idk. another confusing point cuz uke was not so bad but i guess he was hiding it. there's some serious drama about uke's old doctor being an ex-bf of uke's dead sister. and the doctor being obsessed with the dead sis and kidnapping uke to dress him up as her and pretending to live domestic life with him as her replacement. then seme comes to the rescue and the doctor tries to jump off the balcony but seme saves him. thank god never see him again. then we see uke opening up to seme some more after that and seme going to talk to doctors to get help for uke. once uke feels a bit better he goes to the hospital himself and starts a new round of medications. after this the next big drama is seme's family. cuz seme's mom is already kinda mental from way back due to various factors in an unhappy marriage and then the dad died and she just was upset everywhere idk. i guess it's hard to pinpoint the exact causes of mental illness. so seme brings uke to family spring break gathering and family doesn't know uke's identity so it's okay. but some time later the mom randomly shows up at their apartment. seme is out but uke sits with the mom in silence and waiting. uke knows some shit about to go down and mom saw the hickeys on uke's neck. seme comes back and uke's mom goes crazy seeing them act domestic and stabs for uke but hits seme. seme goes into hospital unconscious for like a week. during this time uke decides to just up and leave?!?!? like ofc we've seen a lot of good mental development from him during this time, but such a weird real life choice. to leave your partner after he is stabbed. but i think the author wanted to show the uke be independent and not always just relying on seme so ok makes sense in the story... so this apparently all happened during their first year of uni, though uke was a bit older and held back cuz of his sister's death and stuff for 1 year or so. seme's mother was forgiven by seme eventually cuz apparently we're supposed to forgive all mental illness shit... and now jump forward 3 years to uni graduation of seme. uke had dropped out. seme has decided to move out and stop relying on his parents for money and stuff. and with that he shows he is free to love uke and be with him cuz he is fully independent now. they had originally promised to keep the relationship a secret until after graduation anyway. in a way this was kinda fulfilling the original plan of fully being together only after graduation. so seme graduating and uke comes to see him with flowers to congratulate him. seme hugs him right away and they go back to uke's house. uke actually bought the apartment they stayed at together before. so happily ever after from now on i suppose. there was a side doctor couple that's also not well explained. probably a lot got cut if this was adapted, and it would be worth checking for an original though idk if i can stomach it. at least not right now. ok so there are some very cute extras in chinese that were not translated. read them and it was worth! very cute normal couply stuff. so sad for all the shit this couple has gone through, i hope they can be together in peace forever.

this story and especially the main character really resonated with me in how he felt towards life and it was so great to see him find the desire to live again. cried multiple times. uke is depressed and tries to commit suicide by jumping in front of train. he wakes up a high schooler again and he meets seme, who obviously likes him and clearly says so. seme is a track star 1 year younger and uke used to be a track star but had a knee injury and never ran again. seme keeps asking him to run and in this dream he does but real life he never did. this time he also accepts seme's confession to date. and he's kinda pushy about wanting sex though seme is very pure hearted and wants to make sure all the proper processes are followed. when it's time to consider future plans, seme asks him to go to t uni cuz it allows non-athletes to be involved in the track club. and then 1 year later seme will follow him there. but uke is like no way i'm not going there cuz i can't even run and i don't want you to come to this school for me when you got an offer from s uni which is an amazing track school. so they argue and uke says some mean things about gay couples having no future so no need for uke to do all that. then uke wakes up and realizes it was all a dream and he's in the hospital. he goes to find seme now. they're like 27 28 i guess. seme is retired track star with multiple medals, now teaching at t-uni. seme is happy to meet uke on sight and doesn't seem surprised at all. he gives uke a little kiss and said you came because of this right lol. and turns out seme has always been waiting for uke to come to him. he even said in an interview on national television that he'll be waiting. but uke was avoiding news of him and never saw anything. actually seme said in various interviews about how much he admires uke and how uke is his inspiration and how he wants to run with uke again and sweet things like this. cute ending of them having sex after uke has healed from his attempted suicide injuries. seme promises to never let uke feel that way again and uke is happy to be alive and looking forward to life. all he had wanted was someone who could love him and now he definitely has that. he actually dropped out of school or something in real life after the fight with seme and had bad bosses and bad encounters with men. anyway, so glad he is over that now and this manga really gives suicidal people hope. i really felt it and was touched by its message.

not into the characters or concept of either story. first is host and cleaner guy working at the host club uke. uke always gets bad boyfriends cuz he wants to be of use to them and always freely gives money and just ends up being used. he meets seme hungry and lying outside one night. they go for ramen and uke pays. then next day seme shows up at the host club and was a former number 1 who got into a car accident. seme somehow started liking uke when uke came to hospital to visit him under the manager's direction. didn't get it cuz seme thinks uke is somehow special and different from the women who fought over him. whatever. basically they kinda date but uke is so insecure and wanting to do stuff for seme instead of receiving. second story is seme who wants to suicide but his neighbour is running from an angry ex-gf and hides in his apartment when they meet in the hall. uke finds out seme was planning to suicide, but no serious plans. uke says i'll let you experience sex before you die. so they do it and seme's life is changed.........well he was not super serious about it anyway. then they just keep dating i guess and seme goes to find a job to pay back parents' debt.

uke wants to suicide and goes to mountain inn to do it. seme is the owner's son working there. turns out they are used to ppl coming to suicide so they are watching out for it. when uke tries to jump, seme catches him and takes him back to the inn and rapes him. forces uke to work there and uke agrees cuz he has nothing anymore, threw away his stuff and apartment in preparation for suicide. after that seme rapes uke again like 2 fucking times, 1 time seriously in anger........which is wtf. uke just wanted to get to know seme more and seme is like too cold and serious. well at the end ofc somehow they clear up their feelings for each other and uke decides to stay there forever.

tbh i don't like it. 12yr age gap. teacher x student. seme student is suicidal cuz he's gay and parents found out. uke teacher says he's gay too and understands seme. seme just falls in love with uke right then but apparently later it's hinted he noticed uke even before...... anyway seme rapes uke a bunch of times and somehow uke likes it now and he's gay......... so dumb, i hate them both.

wow loved this story a lot, though was put off by the cover for a long time. really lives up to its fame. seme is 22 and uke is like 36. seme is super broke and needs cash. as he's wandering around at night trying to find a job, he comes across a gay rent boy place thing. he's standing there looking at it and uke approaches asking if he's an employee. at first seme is like wtf but then realizes uke is willing to pay and he's hungry, so he says he works there and takes uke off to a restaurant. uke then pays for his meal and pays for his time and he goes home with 50k yen so he's real pleased. seme and uke continue to meet, going on dates but no sex cuz seme's not into that shit since he's always been straight and uke can kind of sense it. uke is a really meek guy, but seme's the kinda wild type. they go shopping for clothes and seme picks out new outfits to uke. uke also buys seme a bunch of stuff and gives him money for his time. this goes on until seme kinda starts thinking he could fuck uke or something? idk but uke goes away on vacation for a bit and seme is totally mad and jealous he could be with someone else. uke was just alone though and seme in a rage brings uke to a hotel and kinda forces uke to have sex??? but he only fingers uke. uke looks kinda happy but kinda reluctant and i can't read his expressions well. idk if he thinks he doesn't deserve it or something idk but he's obviously uncomfy. after that when they meet up they also end up having sex, from just touching to straight up real sex cuz seme's been getting hard while fingering uke. and seme is really starting to like uke and giving uke discounts when they meet. eventually he's like they should just date and he'll move in with uke and it'll be for free and he's going to get a real job. uke is happy and confesses and everything seems great. but fucking next day seme is out with his friends at night drinking and partying. when he sees the sunrise in the morning, he sends a pic to uke and uke can't help but pick up and see. seme calls him cuz he sees uke read it so early in the morning and uke confesses he's about to commit suicide. all the money he had given seme was his life savings and he had no more money. seme tries to talk him down but uke has been determined for a long time and jumps. fucking crashes 11 stories and survives somehow after dropping on top of a car.... fast forward half a year, uke comes out of the hospital and goes to stay with his aunt and uncle a bit. he happens to see seme and they have a talk. uke says he's probably going to the countryside to help his granduncle with farming cuz he's got nothing in the city anymore. seme is reluctant to let him go but uke's made up his mind and does it anyway. honestly uke is all meek and shit but he's pretty selfish too... we think seme's playing him but in the latter half he has seme around his pinky as he does his own stuff. well makes sense he needs some time to heal physically and mentally though. anyway, 5 years later seme has started working as a programming intern at a small company with friends. he gets called by uke to meet up and he goes. uke says he's just in town for a day and thought he wanted to meet seme cuz he couldn't forget him. he tried but still kept remembering when he saw the beautiful sky and stuff idk so when he came to the city he called seme up. seme is happy to see uke and agrees to date, though joked he has a bf now lol. anyway, super cute to see balance in their power dynamic. after that they go to a hotel and just spend time together before uke needs to go back to the farm. honestly super great story with exceptional depth of plot for a bl manga.

this is a great story. more of a serious tone and tbh i don't really like the characters, but i could appreciate the art and story for what it is. idk what's off putting about that. uke is really plain looking outgoing older bro type who likes to sleep around? or at least that's how he got after his grandma passed and he got depressed. he's too flirty and cringe i guess?? but he matches with seme who's expressionless and pretty-faced and kinda obsessive about uke. just not my fav dynamics. basically uke prevented seme from suicide some years ago after seme's parents died in an accident. seme hated him at first but came around and then found out uke had left the hospital. he was only there to look after his sick grandma. so seme asked around and found uke's uni. seme went to same uni and found uke there. then asked around and found uke's hang outs. seme hung out there until uke came and then they slept together. kept sleeping together and developed feelings for each other. bonded over both not having any immediate family left. actually turns out they slept together once before this as well, when seme first entered uni? idk but their first times were with each other. uke had slept with women but not men. just a more deep emotional feelings story. epilogue is nice too. seeing uke in the workforce and them introducing each other to friends formally and saying they want to get married. 3 year age gap. uke is older.

seme and uke are childhood friends living in this slum area. but one day seme disappears and uke feels betrayed. years pass and uke dies from a truck. seme is fucking devastated cuz seme actually left to become a more powerfull person to protect uke. but then uke's soul is put into the body of this kid who committed suicide in seme's class. i will call him the body i suppose. the body's twin bro hates him. twin bro is main villain in this story. he made his bro commit suicide by setting him up for a punishment he was supposed to receive. so the body got raped and filmed and everyone at school knew. then he begged the twin bro to stop but bro was fucking heartless. all cuz twin had an inferiority complex towards his brother, the body. anyway, story is about seme suspecting the body is uke. uke tries to hide it and pretend not to know what seme's talking about. but honestly they see in each other the only link to their true identity. cuz seme is now pretending to be his dead half-bro to be his rich family's heir. and uke lost his original body. in the end through fighting off the bullies the body guy experienced and fighting his twin, seme and uke get close and ofc in the end uke admits everything to seme. he's a tsundere to the end.

apparently uke is suicidal...