kiyo 清's Things

i don't know if i'm aro ace or if I'm just giving up because unconciously I believe I am unloveable and I wanna save myself the heartache when i'm inevitably abandoned by all the things I thought I loved.

Dude, I fucking hate "loser" posers. And I know this sounds so pathetic, like it’s some kind of competition, but hear me out.

I’m the type of person who’s into anime, weeb shit, always got my headphones on, wearing black—your stereotypical “loser” type. And I have some friends at uni who like the same stuff as me, right? And this is never outright said or anything, but they also consider themselves losers.

But that’s the problem. They’re not losers.

They’re always going out, have a ton of friends, constantly on their phones, part of clubs like dance and shit. And like, I wouldn’t wanna change them or anything—we’re friends for a reason, you know?

I just wish I had some actual “loser” friends. I like being alone, I really do, but I wish I had someone who could just be a loser with me. Someone to chill, read manga/manhwa, watch anime, and enjoy dumb shit with. But I guess that’s the thing about real losers—you can’t just find them. They’re so secluded, so in their own world, that they’re basically impossible to befriend unless you somehow stumble into each other’s orbit.

Once in high school, I had a friend like that. Honestly, I think she was my soulmate. We just matched—same weird energy, same loser tendencies. She was so cool in the uncoolest way. But she didn’t end up going to university, and we just kinda drifted. I guess that’s life, but damn, I miss her.

Maybe this is all just a huge projection because I miss my soulmate.

I know they’re not real. I KNOW this. And yet, here I am, spiraling because I saw a sad TikTok edit of Gojo and Geto today, and now my whole mood is in the gutter. Like, their story is so fucking tragic, and the worst part?? Nothing could’ve changed it. They were doomed. That’s it. Game over.

And it’s not just them. Any character with a tragic ending or some irreversible fate that just is what it is takes me out SO bad. It makes me feel crazy because it’s like when real people die—you will never, EVER see them happy again. No fix-it, no resolution. Just permanent sadness. (And don't get me started on au fanfics. I know). Like, my brain understands that they’re fictional, but my heart is out here acting like I lost a childhood friend.

And I don’t even think I’m that empathetic irl??? Or am I subconsciously??? Idk. I see these characters suffer, and it physically hurts. I get so attached, maybe even parasocially (cringe we get it), but when bad shit happens to them, I feel GUTTED. It’s like how I’m majorly depressed but still manage to do what I need to do even with non existent motivation because life just keeps moving and I have shit I need to do regardless of how I'm feeling.
In the sense that I feel this way, but don't display crazy irl.

Idk, man. Maybe I’m actually losing it. Does anyone else get like this, or am I just crazy

sometimes I feel like I can’t even trust myself. the world feels distorted, like i’m stuck in a dream I can’t wake up from. even my own body doesn’t feel real. it’s like I’m disconnected from everything, including myself. and no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong.

but on the outside, I seem fine. i go through the motions, smile when I’m supposed to, do everything I’m supposed to do. no one could ever tell. if anything, I seem normal. maybe even happy. and that makes it worse. if i’m so “normal,” then is this fear even real? is there something wrong with me, or am I just making it all up?

it feels like I’m just an actor playing a role, like I’m not really myself. the disconnect is unbearable. nothing feels real, i don’t feel real. if I’m only pretending to exist, does anything even matter at this point?

I know so many people who treat mental illnesses like Pokemon. Why are you trying to speed-run diagnoses?

They're never lowkey about it either like fuckkkk why do you need to mention to me that you have depression and bpd every day? Take your medicine. Why do you have to tell me you're gonna stop taking it every day even though you're gonna end up taking it anyways? Why do you keep complaining about how you're so skinny and how I should force you to have meals?

I am not your therapist nor your caretaker.

I just can't stand these people. I also have depression due to trauma, ptsd, anxiety etc. but none of my "friends" know about it because not only do they apparently have every mental illness under the sun, but they also are so attention-seeking and narcissistic they can only ever talk about themselves.

Fuckk people piss me off.