Mx. Roach's Things

Lay your heart bear. Tell me where it hurts. I've heard writing helps, writing this helped me notice somethings. I hope this can help you as much as it helps me. I'll go first; its long so you don't have to read, I've tried to do my best to make sure if you wanted to you didn't feel alone:

I've been thinking about how all my problems usually revolve my motI've been thinking about how all my problems usually revolve my mother. She's emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative. To her kids and potentially to her partners.

She's been gaslighting me for years. Every conversation is eggshells. When will she ridicule me today? How? For what? I even stopped eating some meals to avoid her since before she was deployed she stayed in the living room which is adjacent to the kitchen. Her boyfriend now usually resides there too so not much has changed since she left.

I freeze when I'm confronted. I know everything I want to say but I can't. She'll shred every honest feeling I have and crush me. I was even screened for depression, yelled at me to explain. Her boyfriend say children don't have enough worries to be depressed. Their asses even said that the concern was probably due to all the teen suicides LIKE IT WAS A DAMN INCONVENIENCE TO THEM. So I couldn't. My brother was suicidal just about a year earlier and was sent to therapy and that didn't change their view at all. I've made sure to lie on every screening test after that.

Made me doubt myself. Every mistake feels like it needs divine punishment. Forgot my clothes before gym practice so I went to get them, and they weren't there. Wouldn't help that when I went to ask a woman to open the locker room badgered me as to why I wasn't in class. I thought the teachers hate me. He said to run 2 laps I ran 3 because I wanted it to hurt. I felt like I needed to be punished. I cried the whole damn way. "The coach won't trust me now". "He must think I'm a vile liar". "I'm just a fucking liar". It hit me even more when I felt like I should hurt myself. Worse than before, thought I should get a concussion. My friends asked me why and I thought it would be solely because I existed. I didn't mean to say it. A half ass answer would suffice. I didn't even know I hated me so much.

I could never cut myself, but sometimes when I feel so defeated I punch myself. "You're so useless, you deserve this". "This is simple everyone else can do it." "You bring everyone down " It started on the legs. Migrated to my head, often I'm left with headaches, tried to stop but I couldn't. It was my only release.( Around this point of writing I've finally understood of how much this has been impacting me. )

I've stopped going to my friends houses because of my mom. Cried in a bathroom because my friends parents couldn't give me a definite answer for when they'd drive me home. I knew I would be blamed. I didn't try hard enough.

She says I don't have friends because I haven't been through anything. I've been through coming out with them. I've had one walk with me after a homophobic friend of my brothers found their way to gsa and I felt unsafe. Helped me through a panic attack. And an anxiety attack. And they make sure I feel heard. They make me feel safe. To have someone demean that brings me more pain than if she had just chosen to stab me in the heart.

I'm a shy kid who'll never manage in the real world. "You cry when everyone lectures you don't you? You won't make it like that". I only cry when I'm with you. Or thinking about you. The sight of your face petrifies me. Everyday I grow more and more aware about how much you hurt me.

I've got so much anxiety with people. I think everyone will ridicule me. Even my beloved friends. I hate her most for that. I hate I can't trust the people I trust most. It has long since been her.

I've done everything for her. I didn't do sports so I made sure I aced every test. "Praise me." It took everything out of me to be the smart kid. The gifted kid. Do all gifted kids have ADHD? Well I do, and this year everything came to bite me in the back. I even joined track. Stayed for the exercise, left for the competitons. I couldn't. It made me a anxious. It was the first thing I've ever done for myself against the will of my mother.

"Why didn't you stay in track?" "College would have been paid for if you did well?" Had a father yell at his daughter about how bad she was after an event. She wasn't, she did good. She probably tried her best. Did he even ask if she had fun? I'd believe in God again if it meant my mother would never become like that.

I'll make this the last because I could go for ages. The last thing I've wanted to say was, "were preparing you for the real world." "You'll be ridiculed if you're gay, you should reconsider." "Id rather think you're fine. Don't you want me not to worry?" I could go to the ends of the earth if you'd just say you love me and mean it. And show it. If you'd actually care for how I feel and less about how you did.her. She's emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative. To her kids and potentially to her partners.