First time I see a translator messing up with the pronouns like this. Even an elementary level English speaker can make a difference between I, you and he, can't imagine the reason there are so many mistakes in this...
I wonder why was there a need to do this part different from the novel. It's not bad like this, the novel was more angsty with a bigger focus on Hestia's lack of attachment to this world and Kael's panic of loosing her, here, he gives his reasons so Hestia doesn't suffer that long and they don't need Helios to solve their problem.
If you decide to translate, please, at least use the correct pronouns, this is the only hurdle MTL cannot jump right now, it's not a huge work to correct it...
The story is promising but I wonder, doesn't the artist have az editor to tell them how disproportionate their characters are? Compared to the heads, the shoulders are too small, arms and legs too short. I'm 174 cm and if I take the proportions of the artist, I could say goodbye to half of my legs :)
I just realized that Iku makes a short cameo in Fukyagaku-sei no Himawari