โ โ โ โ โ
โ โ โ โ หโ
โ๏ฝกห โ
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โ โ โ
โ
โ โฆ. โ
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โ โ . ห
หโ
ใธ โก โฑ|ใ
เซฎ - ี ) (` - 7
/ โป แธ| |ใโปใต
ไน (ห, ู ู ใให,)ใ
โ This person is... โ
Hana; she/theyโ โ
The urge to read yaoi is increasing but I still can hold it in
My English is becoming rusty and I'm scared. It's a sign. I'm healing
Don't like how my ass became my center of the pain while on period.
I miss writing, I miss journalling, I miss venting and yapping on this page
Happy Eid Mubarak... It feels weird. I restraint myself for one month. I can finally read yaoi again. I mean I'm always like this. Idk.
Gwan sik set the standard too high. May this love find me.
Girl broke my heart and trust. Friendship breakup hurt more than anything. You said you're on my side, but why are you acting like I mean nothing to you. I have no one else left. Calling me in the middle of the night, saying how disappointed and mad you are. Idc if you see this, you hurt me deeply. Come at me and we can talk.
I can't do this anymore, operation revision volume two chapter of idk maybe hundred began now. FUCK WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY LIFE. I need to organize my thoughts. I need to write so that I could keep track and not repeating what I think. Alright first all accidents are already resolved. I told about my mind but she didn't yet which is understandable. We'd have heart to heart conversation. But she asked me to follow them. But I already make a promise with my old roommate to hangout on the same day. I explained my situation and said I swear I want us to be better but I just can't break this promise. My friend call me in the middle of the night saying how all of the effort went to drain. How disappointed and mad at me. She asked me to cancel my plan and follow them. I won't cancel my plan. She said she won't help me anymore. I have to do this on my own starting that night. Alright sis. In my head, I think canceling my plan would break my old roommate heart. Why would I ruined a perfectly established relationship with a broken one. Yes the broken one would be heal but it's not 100% heal. Maybe 50%-80%. Which mean I'd have to think about three relationship one with my old roommate, second with my friend, third with the one I'm having a problem with. I don't want to. I don't want to feel more broken than I already am. I don't want to hurt myself. If I did that, there's no difference than killing myself (hypothetically) bruh making me suicidal. I had enough of feeling that way. I can think better now. I can make a better decisions. I know myself. I know my surroundings. Although idk about what's inside other head, at least I know my own. I don't want to sacrifice myself for others. Why would I apologize first? We should apologize together. It's not about my fault. This whole situation is bullshit. If only it didn't get dragged out. I feel like I'm on my own rn. I have a best friend but she doesn't understand this. Being empathy sucks. Ik my best friend appreciate me but this whole matter is not her expertise. She can give some advice and that's it. She doesn't understand me which is also valid. The only person that know you best is yourself. My old roommate is a victim to this too. She and my friend have beef with each other. I think they hate each other? I can't rely on her as she have her own problem. Plus, my friend...?! Nope I do rely on her but seeing she's still friends with that person is.. and siding with her. I know she wants the best for me and that person. But you're with her rn. I'm... All alone. I can't even talk about this to anyone. If I reach out to my uni counselor, only god knows what will happen. Ma'am or sir would call me and that person it's better to resolve this myself. As long as I don't give up and isolated myself. Bruh. Ouh my friend said to have a talk with her this 6pm, rn is 4pm. I'm writing so that I could kill time and reorganize my head. What do I do now.
1. She probably gonna elaborate her point two nights ago. If only I didn't have a plan, I'd go. Omg overthinking core. Let's see how much what if scenarios I'd be able to come out with.
2. My friend, that person and also another person would gather and come to talk to me. Alright I could handle that. I'd say whatever I have in mind. As long as it didn't go too far. I hope no hand will be raised today.
3. She'd be mad at me. Alright I could object her point. I have my own life. My life doesn't revolves around her and that person. Sure she's my friend, I'd say a close friend. But she doesn't have the right to choose how I live my life.
4. She wants to cancel our trip next week. Hmm there's a possibility "if you didn't resolved this whole matter yet, I won't go" alright I can go by myself, I could go home and go with my childhood friend or my sibling. Shit I talked as if I didn't feel hurt.
5. She wants to stop being my friend. Hmmm the chances are low but never zero. Seems like I prepare myself well. I'm not shaking rn. My body isn't shaking but I can feel my heartbeat racing. Ofc I'm scared. Ofc I don't want any of this possibility to happen. Who wants their friendship to be over just bcs it started from nothing. The fact that I have to guard my heart but at the same time my friend heart is tiring. Ofc I want to run away but where? Home? Bruh I have class. I can't ignore her. We live in the same block dormitory. Just a few away from each other. I couldn't ignore her. If this was in my home. Than maybe I wouldn't show my face but I still talk to her. Goddamn my face gonna breakout sooner or later of I didn't resolved this whole situationship. I'm tired. I'm going to stop writing. I'm tired. Should I just go drown myself in misery? Nope let's read. Let's find happiness. Let's brighten my day. Let's do anything just for the sake of not offing myself. This is so shit. I feel cringe. But that's just how life is. I never fought with someone like this. It feels uncomfortable. In my 19 years living on this earth. I never felt this way. Idk what to do. I might have ghost someone but I only ghosted, I didn't do anything that might cause death. That's the only worse thing I think I have done to someone. I think I did something to others, something bad that I don't know. I'm sorry. I just want to live my life sincerely. I don't want to be a bad person. I just want to survive in this life. I don't want to complicated my life. And done. I'll update after we meet. Let's see what will she say. I'm scared but I have to face this. If it's not me then who else. I don't have anyone, so do she. Lonely people stuck together. Let's end this with a smile. Me, pls smile.
Update: we talked. For like 5 minutes. That was uncomfortable. I prepare myself well, I feel like a bit too well. She asked me what did I think I do wrong. I said, "the fact I didn't go? I didn't talk to that person?" She said she's disappointed in me (yet again) she asked me if I have anything to say, I talked about how I was asleep and she woke me up. And I was like uhh, uhh, umm yes, okay, yeaaaa, aaaaah. And then I was afraid (jokingly tone) but I was actually afraid asf. She add that I cried after that. Well I didn't but I can't sleep. She said she doesn't want to be any in this anymore. Alright. That's it. And she asked me to treat her as usual. Bruh you don't even smile and you ask me to not be awkward. I'm scared asf. Our relationship isn't going to be the same. I shouldn't have introduce her to others.
update 2: WE FINALLY HAVE A REAL TALK. OMG. FUCK. WHAT DID I WROTE AGAIN. "Sounds bullshit coming from me but I don't want to ruin our friendship " and then I text her saying "I need a hug " she said "c'mere pookie." Bruh I don't even think, I just ran to her room. I let out everything that I felt. Including how I feel from when the moment the quad form. She said she only trust me. She's 100% on my side. The thing she's mad about was bcs I didn't tell her from the beginning. I keep secrets from her. She doesn't mind how tf I live my life but if I didn't trust her. Who will. Alright I can't put my mind onto words rn. We talked for like one hour LMAO THAT'S SO LONG comparing to our before talk which is like 5 minutes. Some tear were shed. I can put my mind on ease rn. I told her I want to be everyone best version. Including her. (This is people pleaser thing if you don't know.) But at the same time, I destroyed myself. I told her I'd split myself if I could just to give everyone a part of myself. I want to be everyone top 1 person. She said I need to work on myself. Stop being people pleaser. Oh god, I told her so much even the things bothering me. She said everytime we hangout, my mind is always somewhere else. She said how much I shown it. I told her I'm transparent asf. I can't even hide how I felt. I know that but I still did it. I want to write more but I'm tired. Goodnight and bye
Tbh I can't sleep. My nose sumbat. I'm h@r__ I want someone. Finally after 3 months, I can finally talked about him with ease. No more guilty. No more missing. No more what if. We're just chill. Two person trying to get to know each other. Our time together was fun. I experience a lot of things. Let me tell one particular moment that I find funny and memorable. After our first call a night before. It's normal to want more. I said we could call (but didn't tell when) and at that time, I was with my friends doing group assignment. It was funny as hell. Trying to keep his messages from popping out from notification. One time he call me while I was inside the toilet (I left my phone at the room). Bruh they were teasing me. Your kitten called lol I do call him oyen. Things would end eventually but idk how to. I left things abruptly. His last 4 messages were, "I'll block and delete your number even tho I'm not willing. Thank you and bye." And that's how I spent my January. My new year opening chapter. Two weeks feels like two months haha
It feels so nice to write. Im back to my comfort place.
My roommate is shy lol she have exam this Saturday. Muet exam. English exam for before entering degree? I said I could help her practicing but she refused. Girl I'm down below you from this bunk bed. Imagine asking what's cawangan in English I know the answer. Plssss I want to help you.
So we talked. Hmm she's trying to point the wrong to me. Yes I'm the bad person for talking behind your back. But how did my talking back suddenly reach to you. Through my own best friend. How can I trust you girlie. You asked me to trust you but I don't think I can. I can only put my trust for about 85% that's all I can offer. Bro I lost so many trust over people I don't have anyone to trust. Except online people what can you do about my trauma dump.. that bitch- alright no. I want to be a good person by gaslighting myself I don't hate her. Dhlah overthinking, people pleaser, gaslighting diri sendiri, senang kena pijak, anxiety, depression, bende sial. Aku dh penat hidup camni. Aku x sempat nk process dia ajak keluar dh, apa bodoh ni bagila aku sehari dua atau seminggu. Bro I'm not okay yet. You're saying "nk dtg, dtg, x nk dtg sudah" bende you didn't even give me choice. Dgn kata lain. Kalau x ikut, x kawan dh. I'm not trying to befriend you again. I just want to be on good terms. Bodoh shaking pulak oh also, I'll never give you my username and where I read my story. X nk. If I did that, I'll betrayed myself. Remember me. Tempat ni your comfort zone. Kalau share maksudnya dia dh melepasi boundary tu. If she does melepasi, is it worth? What will happen if she turned your back to you. Bro. Fuck this. Tolong. Masuk sini ja semua kelaut. Especially lepas jumpa minah tu. I shouldn't be friends with her. Idk anymore. I have to meet her through class and tonight, I'll be good. I'll be good. No bad thought. Just nothing.
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โ๏ฝกห โ
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โ โฆ. โ
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โ โ . ห
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Aweeeee my poor baby