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へ ♡ ╱|、
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乀 (ˍ, ل ل じしˍ,)ノ
ⓘ This person is stupid and cringe ⓘ
I have so much fun in this site, it's scaryyyyy and pls jgn baca bio aku
Pada 21st July 2021, mangago breakdown sebab potn's author
comment section hilang. Traumatic gila bapak. Everyone in chaos. Thus the reason I started writing here
Pada, 14th August 2023, mangago buat hal and literally my entire read worth semua hilang
https://www.mangago.me/home/album/354640/Hana; she/they
[Honestly aku x pernah expect bio aku akan jadi online diari aku]
TW: be aware tentang apa yg akan dibaca. I wrote abt so many things. My problems. My life. My trauma? Sedih pulak, kenapa aku susah ii nk idk go all out. Sorry, terdistracted. Anyway, harap ii mangago x akan suddenly off radar. Mati aku. Yes, aku basically akan mati. Mangago ja tempat aku luah. K bye.
Apparently we CAN'T rant here but here I am venting out until there's no dark smoke anymore kekekekekeke I do refer to reddit sometimes but mangago hit different y'know? It filled with human being although yk shit people wouldn't give the damnedest no one will help you fully. We all know the sequence. Fucker.
I like to, rambling
grammar aku melayang (so) I tend to say a lot CRINGY SHIT IM SORRY. Kalau ada terbaca comments yg aku tulis, Sila bleach your eyes. To hell with that. I'm embarrassed and yet this is the only place, I can be me. I'm so crazy, my way of talking is crazy. People always said, why are you always making things complicated. (I get that you just want to be direct but plssss I'm a dry texter. At least I'm making an effort and it became a habit and it became a curse, a poison tapi this help me making essay HAHAHAH my content getting more fruitier) Bro aku baru nk merasa apa itu expressing yourself mean. Janganlah, aku x upaya nk buat semua ni publicly
bukannya dpn stadium ka apa, just infront of people.... friend...
My comfort place. No word could ever describe how much mangago feels like home and the way I love this place.
There are time when people say, "kpop is a phased" sure that's your damn opinion but not mine. They were the people who were by my side fighting over my loneliest time. Also fyi (lol) ever since I can remember, I've been reading my whole life. Sebelum aku diperkenalkan anime lagi. Fb is my place to go
I love reading people stories? Hahaha that's why hidup aku x pernah nk tenang, how could I pay attention to other while neglecting mine. But I'm not the type who jaga tepi kain org. I honestly don't care what's happening around them. I'm in my own world
teruknyaaaaaaaaa. Berubahlah engkau.
EXCUSE MEEEEEEE!?!!?! DOKJA YOU! SO DEMEANING! I- never did I thought you were such a hottie LMAOOOOO. I tried so hard not falling into the trap. Same goes to yoo joonghyuk, I hope it would stay this way until forever. Never let anyone know your next move HAHAH.
Nahhhh you're too distracting. Back to my lee know who only know my deepest heart
A habit of mine, ntahla sejak bila. I take readings seriously like dulu, aku still suka membaca but this is on another level focusnism (lmao suka hati aku ja reka perkataan baru). Kalau cerita tu aku nk attached ke memory aku, aku akan tag, and komen. Yessss menggomen. My favorite thing to do in this website. Haha. Tapi ada cerita yg aku paksa diri untuk suka.... Sebab guilty
aku takut aku akan lupa cerita tu. This is not paksa rela kes but this is your own keputusan regarding whatever yg aku pilih. Haaaa x bestla camni. Aku x suka laaaaaa why jikalau aku serabut and stress mesti mata aku x nampak gem depn mata oi. Sayang. Nanti ada la doubt apa semua, katanya cerita ni x best, camtula camnila. Payah hidup. Sedangkan aku nk baca lama dh. Making this website my secret diary aren't I?
And it's price free therapy too. Aku x kan pernah say this out loud even if aku ada mulut... Aku memang ada mulut. Astaga. Sometimes words never came out. Fufu and unconsciously I never think about it as if, it's coping mechanism. Hmmm betulah tu. Dhlah comment kt story sudah, tu pun x cukup. Nk tulis kt bio jugakkk. Aduhai.
Park Moondae or should I call you.... Ryu Gunwoo. You... I love your creator work HAHA but man blessed them.
1 Oct 2022, how fast time flies already... And tahun depan exactly at this tarikh aku akan "sit" and hadap "meja". This is you from the past, you're quite a mess this time around but pls I'm begging you. Change. For the sake of happiness and peace. Don't you want that? Also the desire to roam around.... doing some unspoken shit, hohoho bitch you know what I'm talking about. That's it for now, talk to you anytime sooner.
Edit1: bodo sapa suruh jinx it
trial minggu depan bodoh harini 28 sep 2023 and memang pun cepat gila masa berlalu
x sangka doh aku nk PKP balik, aku nk jadi lazy tapi disebabkan pkp jugakla aku jadi bodo. Do your best tho
Edit2: hi bitch, spm lagi 39 hari ja dik eh no. Lagi seminggu bukak sekolah plus seminggu di sekolah, akan ada ujian bertutur bm
wth satnya nk habis sekolah... x sabar life lepas sekolah.... I don't have close friend...
Edit3: minggu depan last spm and I'll be taking account paper. Honestly idk what to expect but I can't wait for my life after spm!!!! I feel like I'd be very free. Also I promise my bestie to go to pbakl with her!!!! Ayoyo XD hg upu pun x buat lagi, keja nk cari mana? Duit nk pergi kl? and then duit nk makan? duit nk beli buku? lol
Edit4: hg dpt 4A, 2b, 3c semua kredit. Thank god. Hg keja bazaar sebulan pastu sambung jadi makcik kantin. Pbakl x jadi pi since both of our parents opposed it. Sedih sial, aku sampai x ckp dgn member tu sebab malu. Upu dh isi, cuma kena kemaskini and ngl aku malas nk pikiaq masa depan. Fun fact someone confess to you hari dpt results spm. But I reject
ok so maybe nanti aku update time masuk sekolah baru. Also hi if someone baca sampai sini.
Crazy, aku lepas kt sini but I forgot bilanya aku tulis. For example mcm atas ni, "1 Oct 2022" seriously I have zero collection of what happened that day. Dhlah aku penat btw harini 14/10/22 in case you have dementia. No way.... Don't jinx it
kenapa pi sebutttttt naya x pasai menjadii sungguh
Story timeeeee, tadi baru ja sesangat. My mom asked me. "Kelantan or Hatyai" my bi heart screaming SIAMMMMMM! then my mom continue with, "why are you so obsessed with thailand?" "Is it the food?" Bro I was terrified. I know she wouldn't expect me to just come out like ngl. I said, I like the immigration things... Cop passport and then blah. Aku punya panic nk jawab apa
nk kata pulut ayam, aku memang berkenan pulut ayam. Nk kata ziarah family belah sana. Still a-ok answer but sus... I mean aku dh BERBULAN nk pergi Siam. Merenget bila nk renew passport. Biasalah nasib berapa jam jee nk sampai imigresen. Hahahah kalau nk tau, dulu I boleh dikatakan 2 bulan x masuk. X sah
tapi masuk sekejap keluar balik. X mampu nk go on vacation panjang ii. Mampu singgah beli mytv je time tu.... Anyway, aku excited gila nk haram. Oya control your mom. Aku memang shameless kan...
Tbh I miss comment section, aku just nk abuse the system. HAHAHAH MAKE IT MY OWN PERSONAL DIARY. ye ler ada timing kot. And aku suka speaking. Irl x pernah habis quota percakapan. Always have an idea. Complicated. Overthinking. All of this is a side effects that still in effect
Ahhhhhhh I envy those who can write review as if their life matter on it. Lmaooo isn't that what you have been doing? I mean with passion, positivity and negativity. We need BALANCE.
Uwaaahhhh it's so nice when you know people care for you, love you. Thank you people, I mean my precious humans. I always thought I'm alone. Lonely and alone are two exact different thing. I'm still lonely but I have mangago to filled the void. LOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GRATEFULNESS AND NOW YOU SAYING SHIT
Bila aku tengok balik group photo class Nov 2022 aku, cringy gila. Tapi.... here's the twist. Ok fuck I sounds like a pervert. It's a picture day, alright? I can do ANYTHING, including posing and yes, posing with your friend. I knowwwww they were like nayyy stay 1 meter from me on daily basic. But today, I could hold hand, do the love shape, even genggam their hand... Rapat ii pulak tu with girls
they say girl get the privilege, bro that ain't no way. Im still scared to even touching their shoulder. I hate that. Those girls who hold hands on daily basic isn't me. I get self-conscious ALL THE TIME and it suck. I tried to become bold ASF and it helps
ok that's it. Bye continue with your lyrics book, silly me.
Wtf, my cursed finger. I literally delete my long ass essay about my mother. Well, if god intended. I'm still bitter though.
Idc anymore, if anything happens to me. I'm reporting it here. If nobody got me, I know mangago got me. Can I get an AMEN?
alright that calm me down. So, today. I'm just chilling at home like always.. tetiba ayah said, "nk pi kenduri x? Ok dh tu (while pointing at my clothes)" aku pun ikutla. Keluar satu family. Dkt receiption, ternampak... Ex-middle schooler, she's once my classmate. She's very cute
made my heart beat for a moment. Anyways, I was like. I don't mind my clothes since its just me and the kampung. No one recognize me. I first say hi to her. She didn't remember me. Well that's to be expected. It's been over 4 years and it's not we were close or something. We talked. It was great. I went to my mother. Eating. Oh and I texted my friend the one that goes to highschool with me. Saying, I met this and that. She asked if I get her numbe. Ok here's the thing, she always dwell into the past. AND IT SUCK. Can we just focus on the present and future. What are you going to do with the past??? Nothing can be changed! We once fight. Silent argument. I never called her my bff. But in my heart, she is and always be. It's funny and ironic how after we separated. A pair of once best friend separate too. Each become our new filler void. I'm sorry to say this, but it's just the truth. We keep blindly refuse to accept the truth. The two friends didn't keep in touch with us. And she sometimes would tell me about her. This is so sad oh my god
I still love her. We are not the type to just openly saying we love each other. Kadang ii bila timing elok, aku akan cakap, aku sayang hg. She's stupid but she's kind enough to be my friend. Without her, I might've been bullied. I'm quite bold but that's it. If I has superpower, bluffing would it be. Ahhh that's it, I'm not in the right mind after all. See you later, myself (111322).
Forgot to add this, we didn't talk in daily basic but if something happens, we would always there for each other. That's something so important. Arghhhhhh I hate myself, all this supposed to be written on the same day and now my imaginative goes crusty. Astaufirullahalazim... Aku x tau kenapa lately English aku sangat, tersangat, IDK?? X SEDAP LANGSUNG. I write based on my calculations. As long as the word doesn't sounds awkward and out of place. Then, the sentence is fine to go. Aku rasa macam... Satu hari, aku akan lupa how to even used English in the first place. The world is consuming me. Aku x suka laaa, the guilty's the one consuming me. It's either talking bm or lupakan tanah air, go somewhere safe. And tbh I have mixed feeling for bahasa rojak
I used them in daily basic but when someone pointed that out. I- I feel very uneasy
Storytime (161122)
Today... I knewwwwww being happy has its own halangan. Alright, aku just nk santai so. Bahasa rojak it is. Remember that person, I talked in cerita.... Aku x ingat. She's suicidal. Very is. Coming to school, full of sh. The whole week, she was quiet all the time. Just tadi, she brings envelope to class. I were worried if she's really writing a noted for class or something. And in account's class. Dia pi toilet jap. Her deskmate asked me (she sits between us) if she bring the envelope with her. I said "no? But possibility of her bringing it is high". Then she rummage her whole stationary just to find that envelope. I was worried so I helped her. Little did I know, that small matter turned into chaos. I regret helping deskmate. Should've said she bring it along. After deskmate open and read the letter. Everyone wants to see it too. The sounds that spit out from their mouth disgust me. I know... She want to be loved but sometimes her gesture of kindness makes people take advantage of her. THAT SUCK
She literally spent all her pocket money to buy CHOKI - CHOKI????? WHAT ABOUT I CHOKE YOU FIRST BEFORE YOU EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO TASTE THAT CHOKI II. FOR FUCK SAKE.... I just don't understand, yes, since she's giving it for free and asked for nothing. That still didn't make her people's favorite. That one time, what do you mean ONE time?? Literally everytime we have group photo. She be like, "will we using my phone?" She doesn't have to... Let people used their own damn phone. You're too kind that it's eating your inside. Sambung from when they reads. She's actually writing a letter to her once bestfriend, they no longer talk. She just want to, reach out by sending letter and they read her letter?? • ‿ ,• Dude, that is so unrespectful??? Dah tau tu sudahlahhhhh, kenapa bodoh sangat. Macam babi. Aku haram benci classmate aku. Talam dua muka. I'm still scared of you. You little judging eyes makes me shrunk. But you are fucking horrible. You asked people if you look belagak. Yes, disebabkan you was once my ex-classmate. That's why, aku x nk kata apa. But yea you fuckin belagak. Does that ease your mind a little? Aku cukup benci bila, A cakap kt B segala buruk C. But the next day, A cakap dgn C macam x dk apa. Yg B tu jadi tongkol kayu. I'm speechless. Okok, so dia balik dri toilet. Semua macam kelam kabut. Aku yg duduk sebelah dia jadi mangsa. Manalah aku nk tau original page yg dia letak envelope tu? Kenapa babi sangat. So the person yg first ambik envelope (lupa nk cakap, she's her friend since form 1) pergi stopping her from coming inside the class. I went and sit somewhere else, doing account. (Allahuakhbar, aku x tau lah cmna org boleh survive account. Macam nk gila.) She noticed the different page. She looked at me. Her eyes were watering.. she slipped me a note. Sigh.. asking if everyone reading her letter. I'm feel so fucked up. My body went shock beyond error. My heart was clenching so badly it might burst. My hand shaking. Rasa seram sejuk macam nk terjun bangunan. All kind of thought came to mind. Thank god I was able to act calm. But yeah you can see my mouth shivers. It was scary. Idk what to do at that time. She said, "please be honest with me". Before that, let me ask you a question. Do you prefer seeing a very fresh dead human body for the first time or a glaring, judging, victimized eyes for the rest of your senior life in school? That's what I thought, and thanks to that. I'm able to think straight. I write everything that they did. Tbh I'm glad she trusts me. She didn't have anybody by her side. She's like someone forgotten puppet. We exchange note, though anybody will notice nonetheless. Until, my friend, she asked the teacher for the answer. I followed her to teacher sit. And one of the classmate follows us, well her target is me. She asked me all sort of questions "what did you say to her?" I said, "she knows the page is in wrong order". Wtf do you want me to say???? Astaga, aku nk panggil minah tu babi but I just cannot. Just, DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY GOOD THING ABOUT YOU. SHE LITERALLY WENT TO TOILET TO DO THE DEED. AND YOU ARE ASKING ME THAT????? HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE YOU FUCKING BITCH. HER EYES WERE RED
SHE'S HOLDING IN IT. OH MY GOD. Class finished. I just can't anymore. I said to that bitch, "I wrote, y'all read her letter". Back in our classroom. (I forgot to say, we had account class in library.) I can't believe people rummaging her belonging to find our exchange letter. That is so disrespectful. What if I write my mom's number or something. The fact they read, well basically my hand writing is- it is mine by the law. I have my share in the letter. Arghhh I forgot to say this, bila sampai ja kelas, dia letak barang dia. Pastu dia keluar pulak. And yes, self-h. I felt sorry. She didn't have to go through all this. Why can't people respect boundaries? There's something that you should never lay hands and eyes on. I was about to go to counseling room today but, on second thought. Maybe not. Everytime singgah bilik kaunseling, we need to write our names. It feel bodoh. I know you need data of names, time. Bilanya people datang. But to left it outside, and people can read people's names that stop by. Ahh our counseling system is really bad. Lagipun harini balik lambat. How in the world aku nk twist ayat so that aku x payah masukkan nama aku dlm buku tu. Senang cerita x yah pi but aku x kan pernah dpt answers yg aku tercari cari. Cerita dlm mangago, sampai bila pun x kan terjawab. Ok that's all. oh but in our last period, she laughed at my dumb mistake so, I hope she's doing okay, please don't melebih lebih, aku x halang hg dri buat benda tu. But jangan keterlaluan. Sending loves and hugs, from me. Peace.
Umm I'm kinda in a blank state. My mom keep saying stuff at me. She even said, "hg masuk balik dlm perut aku" idk how to translate that one so yeah. In other word, "I wish you didn't born". I hate crowded. Especially if everyone recognize me. It doesn't matter if I'm stuck in traffic full of strangers but I hate when someone know me. Idk, I just dislike it in general. She threatened to tabuh(?) Well, its include punching, kicking, smashing my head into the wall, pulling my hair. I'm not a bad child? Idk? I feel anxiety rushing in. I feel numb? Yk sometimes your body system doesn't trigger as it supposed to. I bottled up my feeling so much I couldn't tell which is right and wrong. Ahhh no. I mean if that thing hurting me or not. It sounds weird. My friend once told me that she knew my (ex?) bestie doesn't chat me anymore. And I said to her, "oh please, don't tell her that". TELL HER WHAT OMG? I said that with a smile on my face, didn't show any concerns. My brain hurt. After what I said to her, I've been contemplating for a while. So, my whole life is basically a lie? If I can say that out loud with a smile, knowing that damn hurt like hell. What I've been doing all of time, this... I'm sorry to the people that I have lying the whole time. I don't want to, victimized myself. I got carried away
back to my mom, if don't like me. I don't like you too. In fact, i- "biadapnya anak hg" "kurang ajar gila" "anak aku x macam tu pun" "depan org boleh buat perangai" "kalau aku mk dia, x mengaku tu anak aku" ya allah STOP! apa yg aku cakap ni
sudahla. Why blaming yourself? Sejak ii aku sedar aku ni apa. Susah gila nk agree with the parents. I feel like moving out asap. To overseas. I can't waiting here forever. There must a place for me that I can be myself. Payahnya. My personality rotten. Nonono my personality is quite nice actually. It just in order to adapt, you blend your personality with other so it match, so the rhyme flow smoothly. I've been like this since childhood. I wouldn't have friends if I acted strange, odd that other. My god, this is sucks
. I would never have a proper friend if keep doing this, but do you think it's easy to fix a decades of masking. I'm in healing phase, it's not like how you may think. It's full of up and down. Full of encounter shit. I'm not in the mood to talk anymore, that's it (191122) oh and today's GE (government election) aka PRU-15 nahhh I'm too lazy to write the whole sentence. Lastly, I found out, you're not translating the word but the meaning of the sentence. Translator got it hard, thanks for your hard work. Peace.
My classmates are annoying
let that guy breath can't you?? He just said "Kacak x aq pkai
" biorla la kt laki tu nk happy... Yg segelintir be like, "dk" "remove dia" "Djay (his nickname) memang gegeh gutu ka" "xtau soqg ii dia" "boleh remove kalau serabut sangat" "dialu alu kan" takut ii aku yg left group dulu kot. After that hal, it's hard for me to mingle with them. Selama ni aku sabar dgn hampa, layan tetap layan. Tapi x leh jadi ni, aku pun ada perasaan. They may be melawak but I can't accept that kind of joke. Tidak berperikemanusiaan.
Storytime!!!! (211122) you know when... I forgot that sentence. So long story short, I cut ties with my classmate but link back what I once severe. My best friend (≧▽≦) I'm so happy. But her wish, on her birthday, didn't make me realize yet, what she did on me. Today, I just want to be friend with her again. This year must have been hard for both of us. We knew we were gradually distancing. We may not text frequently as we used to. But I just super glad, we are back to be friend again. Awww I didn't sound frustrated at all. This is a first. Well then, aku akan akhirkan dgn aman. byeee XD before I forgot, in the end of the day, I'm still an immature silly kid. I'm still learning. And it's fine as long as I don't do something that would fucked up my life wholely.
Chung myung look so cute there, will using him as pfp
edit:
back to my boy kaveh. Honestly haven't meet him yet, but I heardddddddd a lot of rumors about him. Can't wait until then, but defeat childe first
It's funny how I've been a kpop stan since 2019 but never did I ever owned a kpop merch, second hand photocard, or just any keychain in general. But oh my venti... He makes me surrender with his "tone deaf bard" by his Holy Lyre der Himmel lmaooo. No tbh I literally have a keychain just for him, his thingies on his waist? An ornament? Idk I searched and that word came out. His full body tote bag ofc. A card? Neck? The one you put- ahhh allahu... Apa ni dlm bm aku x tau nama, ini lagila dlm bi. Mana aku nk tau. Namecard? I guess that's what it is. And now aku nk belajar crochet. Just for him
I want to make a figured. Lmaoooooo forgot to write this, I even has his paper craft, but lost because of my damn sister. Penat aku mengunting, gam, bagai. I even so proud of it. And letak dkt rak paling atas. Tengok ii dia dpt capai jugak???? Haram jadah. I'm the big one here but I did cry. Sedih.
So, I went through my "I've already read" and this got me thinking, I MISS PANDEMIC
BUKAN AKU NK COVID KA APA BUT THE MOMENT, aku dpt interaksi dgn org... I've got TIMEEEEEE now masa pun rasa sat jaa.. also depression tetap akan berlaku, x leh nk elak. And I miss my princess reincarnated bitches. Those independent woman got my back (and time)
I think I should put dates after I write comment. Especially setiap kali baca cerita cuz aku kalau reread, aku suka menggomen and yes. Comment atas and bawah x dk kaitan pun. Takut org pening and aku, aku paling suka bila aku ingat tarikh (for example, aku buat apa haritu. Like a meaningful day?) Aihhh peliknya. Anyways you're into crochet these days haha, ruginyaaaaaaa (penat aku buat tali brown and kain tu...) Tapi aku dpt experience which is completely fine. Aku dh pandai nk handles hook dgn profession. Don't forget to show that photo to her (S) and you already made a mushroom
stem dia terlalu panjang. Even mk aku paham apa yg aku maksudkan. It's still cute, saja x nk admit. Alrighty byeee aku nk tidur, closed for the dayy. (171222) (01:11) funny number XD edit: lately aku chill je, x stress. Which is a good thing tapi tu la, minggu ni and depan ja la nk santai ii pun. Start minggu ke-3... Astaga. Tension, denyut kepala semua datang. Test... And I don't prepared anything for the upcoming exam. Idk how to deal this. Aku x tau nk jadi apa dgn diri aku. X rasa bersalah failed exams. And nervous came form expectation. But the thing is, aku x expect apa ii. Aku just, oh aku akan fail eventually. X ada keingginan nk ubah or just belajar. Anddddd I find it hard to consume lessons... Aku rasa susah nk paham, susah nk masuk otak. Even kalau aku belajar crochet sekalipun, yg mana aaku tetiba pandai sebab aku rasa aku ada talent bukan sebab aku practice. Yes, it's all salah mindset aku. But what do I do?? Even rn, aku realize salah aku but hg tengokla cara aku cakap. X rasa apa ii. "What happened to you?" Seriously I have no idea. K bye, kalau x stop sampai bila ii pun duk camtu ja. Bye.
I literally log in into mangago just for this.. my friend started playing genshin impact. Because of me
I should be happy but why I feel trouble...? What a weirdo. Honestly I love sharing stuff about me but I don't like it when this happens. They started doing it too. Mmm aku yg jahat kt sini. Otak aku x secelaru pkp, masih boleh berbicara (dgn aman). I'm the rotten one here. Dia cam snap. Haaa aku tau apa akan terjadi, so aku kinda prevent my intrusive thoughts from coming out. And yes thinking as well. Don't think, say, imagine it. Stay neutral all the time.
Why am I like this? Constantly saying shit? Poison? Negativity... Bukan. Aku hasut diri sendiri, just thinking yg pure benarrr. But when the dirty truth itself aku tolak. Aku tau tu near tapi aku tolak. Walaupun aku tau itu pun kebenaran.. brb gonna kms. (CRINGE) stay sane, that's what I asked for. (211222)
Hello and welcome again. I feel uneasy. I know the reason and should I tell the caused? Hmm I'm hesitating. Anyways, I find it difficult to read an after story; them graduated from school or just finally start working. I'm hooked to the kind of story these highschooler brought and I absolutely want to experience it? This is just me being... immature? I won't say that to myself. I mean it's just how human always been. Everyone eventually will go through this once they reach adulthood. A sad reality. I once googled if reading comic or just in any kind of platform can cause someone to have mental illness. I still haven't got an answer from google but no. It didn't cause but a way to cope with. I was confused and little me wouldn't be able to understand why. Arghhhhh from I want to talk about myself to still about myself. Fair point I guess. It's not like I'm asking you to "grow up" but I don't want to scare the innocent you. I love you actually. I love the noisy, the pure curiosity you have, the wrecking mess laughing broken humor you, the you when you smile, I really love when you laugh as if the world doesn't matter, laugh and smile more. Never let people control your life, listen to them first but decided afterwards. What's good and maybe a little bit of what you might not agree with? Haha I absolutely don't want to admit what tf is wrong. A very stubborn person lol. And the fact me in middle and highschool always humble, acting kind is hilarious. Also the way you just can't say no is utterly fucking stupid. Well we have 6 days before 2023 started crawling lol. I'm fucking tired. Crying, screaming, throwing up, punching the fucking the wall, in 2022 you did nothing. Yes you fucking did nothing. You think you're a grown up? Fucking shit. Not shit Sherlock. I fucking welcome myself with a "hello" now I want to fucking leave. Goodbye loser. I bet my future self do be laughing reading this letter lmao.
Fuck
go and stan txt y'all. Their songs are fucking relatable and the most important thing is to ....read the lyrics.
Sometimes I do be acting sad.. disappointed that there's nothing to read... My history with nothing updated.
I wanted to cerita pasal(s) how I choose my 8ts bias; Jimin n stuff andddddddddd sat aku lupa. Serious, ingat tadi nk berceritalahh tapi time tu aku x log in lagi mangago so yeah I was kinda saving it for tonight aka rn, 00:33 am buttttttt yes a butt, aku kinda x larat. Mungkin esok pagi ....or malam, pada waktu yg sama. Ahhh satu lagi, aku lupa pasal apa tapi memang aku dh set dlm otak nk cerita pasal Jim and satu lagi
I do think I'm insane, losing each and any braincell left every moment it can. I'm scared I'd lose myself. Mmm pretty much everyone's struggle. My English getting dry, and dryer. Almost as if I travel back to my old self. Broken English's one of the things I scared. And that's what I am doing now. I no longer able to understand what even am I saying. It's the same whether in bm or English in general. I don't understand myself. Recently or should I say, currently stuffing myself with crochet. So that I could forget everything that's been on my mind. Exam... One of them. Duck I shouldn't have mentioned that. Not only my school having "exam" apparently other schools as well have it. It's win-win situation lol. Wtf. AHHHHHH I hate sleep talking, kind of shitty whenever you can't sleep. I want to talk about jiminie but I'm sorry my guy, I think yours would be tomorrow.
I'm so fucking mad, idc I'm posting it here. So this is the crumb of my comment from "Moscow's Dawn" *spoiler alert*
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[ Truck-kun at its again...
He do be finding victims every second, every universe he get.
Wtf he is very beautiful
Ahhh omg
I never felt this kind of relief before, I understand how hard it is to speak a language you never ever spout. And he met a koreannnnnn yayyyyyyy. We'll see what kind of a person he is lol
Idk who's that girl? But my heart melt...
I kinda agree with the readers..
I'm glad I read "Genius of a Performing Arts High Act" first.
Dude needs to calm down and tatiana should punch him in the face first before I went and did something. Narcissist were born to be narcissistic. They can't change the very first fact about them. I get the whole reasoning. I mean it's a good thing. But if you keep middle with people. Ughhhhh I was rooting for you but damn it hurt my pride seeing you act shitty.
Lmaoooo goo Tatiana GOOOOO FUCKING END HIM I'VE BEEN THIS PATIENT THE WHOLE TIME OH GOD HE BETTER BE GOOD OR ELSE
La Campanella??? I know he's a FUCKING genius but that's cheating??!?!!? And he's only 14. Bro??? Nahhh man is fictional
Fucking show him what you are capable of, tatiana go go and made him miserable
Did I just said all above with a straight face, yes. Did I even feel embarrassed, no but ....yes. I was so MADDDDDD AT HIM he deserved that but based on his personality, I bet he will mingle with Tatiana again...
Idkkkkkkkkkkk
Edit: he didn't
Oh god I should sleep by right nowww but I just can't. I'm so angryyyyy and sad.. less than one day I have mot0rcycle l!cense test. I should sleepppp bye. I'm doing this for my own good, please listen
We need a friend like Anastasia
Who get drunk from drinking soda
Ahh I finally read where most everyone angry at. Just what tffffffffff you study hard and purposely marking the wrong answer. You study fucking hard might as well done the best. You study's ain't getting anywhere??? Wtf where's your value? What's your purpose in this life? Ah no. He died at the age 21. I guess he didn't experience what is "life" yet. Since his only purpose is to play piano. Just like what he said, loneliness is piano's friend or something. I might be wrong here. Idk anymore. It has good started. And I read until chapter 31 which is very shocking (for me, I didn't expect myself to read until here) I just want to read until his turn to perform in weekly. I'm so madddddd, I get you don't want attention, but isn't that ...kinda harsh to yourself? Ok so rn 02:11 am and I think I will stop here. Maybe someday I'd pick this up again.. goodnight ]
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Babi la aku ni, pasai apa pun x tau. Aku rasa serabut. Semua sebab jantan tu ahhhhhhhhh yg tatinia pun, haa ni satu lagi aku x habis ii nk panggil dia "tatania" kenapa hahhh? Mesti ada sesuatu... Tatinia vs Tatania, tatania sedap lagi? Well dh author bagi nama tu. Kita sebagai reader, apa daya... Ok sekarang dh pukul 02:33 ... I should sleep. Seriously aku x boleh teruskan macam ni. Bye ni serious. Hg tutup chrome phm? Hg tutup wifi, hg tekan balik dark mode. Hg off fon. Paham? Ok now buat.
Just when I get over my insecurity; my mustache. People would always asked if I neither man nor woman. Shut tf up. I used to be so insecure now it came back. Again. Wtf. Embrace your uniqueness. No wait, it's not unique. It's always there. Ever since puberty coming through. I just want to pay the water oh goddd
Happy or have a better new year to me? Honestly don't have the energy to write shit nor compliment nor a story. Maybe after I finish a story first, then I'd start writing something. Who knows? Ahhhhhhh two days left. What do I do with my life... Exam... Bodohnya, ada lagi beberapa hari ja and you didn't even study. Seriously wtf. Mcm mana nk lari abroad kalau benda simple macam ni pun hg x leh kejar? Where will you get the damn money? I can't wait to fly over. I still didn't plan where to land but there's hope. I'm thinking of; Canada? At first ofc I think everyone thinks of America but I don't have the damn money. Australia? No that would be too obvious that I'm running from home. And the queers... that ran to there. I'm so sorry, these people treats you like a fucking trash. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm saying as if I will eventually fly there
honestly I hope it will came true. With me being independence since young. I think I can manage somehow. It's weird when people turns their attention to me. "You got me looking for attention" not me bitch. I ain't that person sadly
I hate attention which got me feel bad feeling. I hate the mixed feeling I got. I feel insecure, this compliment isn't for me. I just doing thing for only once. Oh god someone help me outtt. Naurrrrr the reason I keep talking about flying abroad because this is my damn last year living with my parents. I know they would still let me lives here but once they know the little part that keep being hidden by me. Oh god who knows what will happen? Me being kicked out? Ofc I'd became a disgrace to them. Tbh in mind mind, I already.... potong ties with them. In my mind only. I could never say it out load. That's why I feel nothing while literally talking shit about them. I feel terrible. I've feel this ever since I was 14. Dammmn it's been so long
Umm you start your new year with stress. But I assure you that, you already did bm and English test so, prepared utk subject lain pulak
Ahhh I'm not in the mood to talk. I just had my first ever encountered with a person that qualify enough to be with me. And well, he asked for it?!! I've never felt this way before but dude. You made me open up, you fucking bitch. But now, you gone. Nowhere to be found. Lol imagine he have m@ngago account and found me.. he would never. It's like, it's your first time hearing a queer talking. About experienced. God, dude when we were playing guess, it was fun. You know. But why, did you went and asked me questions?? I always up for anything. But.. things happen. Just forget already me. Find someone else, the world doesn't kiamat yet.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy, seriously I'm done with that kind of people. I easily catch up feeling. Just text me for one hour. You can already see the result. LMAOOOOO NO, IM NOT TELLING YOU TO TRY. IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE OH PLSSS
Lately aku buzy gila. Kerja aku samada crochet or tengok yt short. And aku bukak mangago time malam jer. Tapi tu la.. lama x start cerita baru. Aku just baca yg updated. Which is very predictable.. x kan aku just nk reread jeeeee, also hold me tight side story is coming y'all better be prepared. This 21st January 2023. AHHHHHHHHHHH CAN'T WAIT. I'LL BE THE FIRST TO READ THE DAMN CHAPTER ok setel dh venting. Hg p tidur, esok paper sains.
Astaga so, I can't even read in peace anymore. Everything I read especially bl reminded me on how I was supposed to hide my feeling, there's no way, nothing possible here. I'm a very touchy person. I'm scared people would find out sooner or later. Why am I born this way? Fucking hell. Why do I like them? Why can't I just like men in general? What's wrong with my feeling? Why am I attracted to them? Why my heart felt so warm around them? I know how it feel when you feel you had chances but you should never take that offer. No matter what. I can't help but smile when surrounding them. So fucking payah living in this life. They live in isolation. I mean their relationship is in isolation. (I mean homies couple) If they're okay with keeping their relationship secret, that ain't my problem. But me. I can't do that. I want to brag about lover to everyone too. Just like everyone else. "this is my gir-" no, in my usual self, I would literally speak in all cap. "OH MY GODDDDD YOU TWO HAVEN'T MET YET RIGHTTTTT?? THIS IS MY SHITTY SWEETHEART, SHE'S A BIT RELEVANT BUT YOU CAN RELY ON HER. SHE'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I WOULD LIKE TO MARRY HER, IDGAF-" if it was possible. In here. At least. Camna aku nk buat ni. I feel stupid. I feel stupid waiting at this wrong home. I feel nothing. I already threw they away. I feel so fucking stupid. My unworthy life. I don't deserve to be a l i v e. aaaaaa babi, bila nk keluar tah benda alah warna merah ni. Aku x sanggup nk go through different moody okay??? Berulang ulang kali? Ingat aku larat ka. Setiap bulan kalau rasa nk mati, haa benda tu nk sampai.
I'm so jealous, seeing these people living in their wildest dream. So fucking envy. While they may be just a collection of pixel, me an existence being. What should I do with these feelings? Whoever that write my fucking fate- no stop it. Get some help. You shouldn't questioning your fate. This is how we always be. A human with no sense of security be like
I want to learn so many thing than can be learned on this earth. Or maybe ke penjangkal universe. I wanted to learn playing music but I can't read music sheet. But as of rn, my life are filled with art, form of art? Who am I kidding. I can't draw. But I can do imitation lol. Only scratches(?) Although I'm ain't no way a designer nor a cutter? No, sorry idk what's that occupation called but I can sew just right using sew machine which is already incredible. I can crochet (lol for a month (from 12/12/22)) I can knit, I can bead? I love making new shape? Using bead? Not only necklace or bracelet. I can made creation using bead. I made a butterfly before. It was so so freaking cute! I love art. Edit: you learnt crochet XD I already kenai(?) Knitting so it was easy to learn crochet.
I'm very displeased by saying this, I think I'll failed economic. That's for sure but my superiority complex's acting up and I don't like it. I know that I'm gonna failed but if someone that I expect would failed too and they get one mark higher than me. I shoulda kms. My heart beating fast thinking how I should end me. Wtf. I'm not in the right mind rn. I can feel the nerve, one per one. Second by second. It beat.
It is just me or... How do people baca komik dgn melintang????? Horizontally???? Like how? Camna y'all boleh paham ni???? Aku x paham macam mana boleh pi baca belah tu, sedangkan boleh menengak? Aku x kata la dkt org yg baca guna laptop or pc or anything yg tablet bentuknya. Tapi yg pakai smartphone ni. Aku x paham.
Congratulations mom! Your daughter has no will to live. She will live a life like an empty vassal. Congratulations mom. You did your best. I applause you for that. Congratulations mom. You daughter will finally live her life to the fullest until a certain moment. Congratulations mom. What do I owed you here? Nothing. You simply caused and leave. You may stay, but at what cost? Congratulations mom, sorry that I never wish on your birthday. But what about mine? Congratulations mom. Idk what to do with my life anymore. Should I stay or should I leave? Can I leave instead? Do you mind? Do you think you can stop me? Do you think you have the right to say shit to my face? Do you think I left just because you can't accept a part of me? Do you mind if I overstepping boundaries by saying things to internet? Do you think, I have home? Do I even have a home? No places feels like home. Nothing feel better, than reading these coping mechanism in here. Do you think I would be able to live my life like them too? Do you think I could get reincarnated? I don't think so. What about, do you think I can live a happy life? Sometimes I can't even see the difference since I always feel stress. People say I look stress but that's just me in daily basis. Then I am stressed in daily basis? Is that the case? Do I struggle? Yes, even now. This is how I feel everyday. Then, do you keep thinking about unaliving yourself? Yes, always. Is that so? Yes but idk. Do I want to live? Yes. I want to. Then why it is hard for you? Just live? Have a life. Easy for you to say. Congratulations mom!
I fucking am sorry, wtf. I calmed down I wasn't in the right mind and no hate to my period. It's because of you, my damn period. I hate this. Everytime I fucking had my period, it goes without saying. Me wanting to kms. The hormones doings??
I say bad things to myself. I have no self worth. I don't hate my self. But I fucking hate your fucking mindset.
"Why do some people lack a sense of shame?
It might be due to the fact that these people are only focused on themselves. I’ve noticed that often they are very impulsive with their thoughts and actions.
Most of the time they have no clue as to how their behavior affects other people nor do they have a filter to guide them. There seems to be no forethought or concern for any consequences of what comes out of their mouths. It appears as though they lack common sense and possess no real wisdom.
This could be due to how they were brought up. The lack of a positive role model may have forced them to only look out for themselves serving as a survival mechanism." I see
It's crazy how I mimic people. Not the personality but their energy. Ofc it drain the hell out of me. If they're anxious, then I'm anxious too. They speak fast, I speak faster too. They have big ball energy, me too. Emitting such energy. If they're such a shy oddball. Well you can expect me to be the same. It's that how I made sure people feel comfortable around me? I'm people pleaser? I guess that's how it is. I wonder if my act of kindness is fake too. I'm doubting myself here. Been too stressed out. I need some fresh air and touch some grass.
I fucking hate my fingers. God's wroth is real. I wrote bad thing about my mother and look, it's gone. Great, it's a happy ending with me dying inside. Should I be grateful for it. She be acting weak. I should stop. No matter how a bitch she is, she still is.
I guess I'm depressed. I fucking hate my life. Don't cry you fucking me
BEOMGYUUUUUUUUU for life changing. Or maybe no? I was about to change PFP from kaveh to him but beomgyu too expensive. (More than 19.4mb lol) I can't afford that.
Update!!!! Lol I screenshot and crop it to make it lose quality. Sorry beomgyu. anyways welcome to my txt stan era. I've been with them since Thursday child comeback but this time, I'm making my comeback lol as a moa
Is it just me or- I'm gonna say something really vulgar, idk, very insensitive topic. Tw:gore? Death, murder I guess. Days by day I witnessed my little sister growing and I'm scared. She's very thin. She doesn't like eating. Mungkin disebabkan oleh media. Kadang ii kartoon yg dia tengok, buat comparation miskin kaya, gemuk kurus. I repeat, she doesn't like eating. She always touch her belly, saying it's already full. And she's only makan nasi setengah senduk. Aku takut. Dgn apabila makan sekali satu famili. My brother, especially my parents, they were like. Haaaaa *insert my brother name* menang, *insert my sister name* kalah. As if, eating is a competition. Once she give up. Hg faham faham ja la. Bila time makan rasa beban. Dgn org judge dia, kenapa x makan. Aku takut bila aku tengok dia. Dua tiga hari ni dia asyik muntah. I know my mom were feeding dia, mungkin makanan yg masuk waktu malam was too much? When she vomited, aku rasa ya tuhan.. basically she just makan petang tadi. Makanan yg makan waktu "dinner" keluar balik. Dhlah dia makan kurang. What am I supposed to do? Dgn perangai mak aku yg panas baran. X makan, kena (selalunya cubit) dgn dia. Kalau aku jadi adik aku, aku pun jadi x suka makan. Bila org paksa. Just, no. I don't like it when it's time to eat, I know kalau biar adik aku makan sendiri. Dia x kan makan. Mom's were there to feed her, tapi kalau you paksa dia makan. Sambil marah dia. Aku rasa kesian. Dia... Bukan nk kata x berapa rapat. Biasalah gap umur jauh. I feel a bit distant. I was in my puberty phase time when mom gave birth. I didn't show it, but I definitely have thoughts I don't like her. It's all in the past, I'm appreciate her for being born. Pls eat more, I don't want to see bones and skeleton
I remember her rib cage was showing and it was obvious she doesn't have fat. I feel like I'm failure for not taking her well. This is my first time caring for a younger sibling. Lol I have little brother but our age gap only 2 years. But with my little girl, it's 10 year. It's totally different. Oh my god, I wish you I happy good life, and pls don't mind people and eat whatever you want. From your older sister though you would never see this message. goodbye (26012023 0026)
I feel more at ease with fictional characters lol
When I thought shit have gotten better. No. It didn't. I feel so worthless. Lol. Today is 29th January lmaoooo. Look at 26th you. You're fucked up. The thing is, txt is making a comeback. Let's say, I was busy with streaming and checking update these past three days. Phew, life sometimes just too crazy anyways. I literally forget my misery just for a while. And it came back. Welcome home fucking intrusion. I starved myself. Wtf. I shouldn't break down. When I look myself in the mirror. I gained weight? I'm in my last year in school. Pls. The most important exam for human hood? God, my classmate didn't attend any single of previous exam. After two weeks, I found out her doc give her rest day(?) Mc yeee mc, dpt mc sebulan. I guess? In her record were filled with TH aka tidak hadir. I thought she or at least her mom would gives explanation to the school but no. The teachers don't know anything. Even teacher who supposedly a higher up even don't know. Bro whatever. Let me read some smut and learn how to fly to inuzuma.
How to know if I no longer fear- me starting spoke in a foreign language. Pretty simple right? So mind your business and don't forget to pay me some attention. Feeling so down lately. I fucking hate this feeling. I don't have the energy to mutter in my native language. The laziness is clutching me? aaaaa
Macam mana laa hg x rasa lonely. Sedih ja, cari fictional characters. Sedih ja baca smut. Sedih ja, comment kt mangago. Instead of solving it and find a literal breathing being. They say, vent to someone you trust and most comfortable with. Fuck that. Bila aku rasa serabut, well. Here I am. Writing this thought as if I'm writing inside my diary (aku x pernah ada diari). Lagipun sebab aku suka tulis dlm notebook or any piece of paper yg aku jumpa and then. Hilang. Aku letak mana pun x tau. Dh enough for today bye.
It's so crazy how here, I'm surrounded with so much love (and angst) but that's not the main point here. Everyday, living feels like a chore. Nonono that's not the main point either. I just want to say how.. how can these characters lives their life while mine- I know they suffer too but- what about me? I want to date too. I want to hold hand too. I want to carelessly leaning towards her. OMG
FIRST TIME USING THE CORRECT PRONOUNCE... WHY AM I LIKE THIS. THIS FEEL SO WRONG AND YET AM I WORNG FOR BEING BORN IN THIS WORLD???!? WHTA RHE FUVK. I FORCING MYSELF TO LIKE THE D. OH MY GODDDDD I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE SHAPE. WHAT THE FUCK. IT'S GIVING TRAUMA. WHAT THE FUCK
I ALMOST VOMIT THE FIRST TIME I SEE IT. I KNOW THISE CHARACTERS, THEY AIN'T REAL IN THIS WOLRD. BUT WHYYYY??? I WANT TO BE HAPPY TOO
This is just my personal feeling and view. I'm scared of seeing user last read or reading or already read is few years ago. My worst nightmare. Sometimes I just think, are they dead? Why wouldn't they read? What happened to their reading career? But they too, has a life. They must have been like, oh I have mangago account lol. But what's scared me the most is. The possibility of reason they didn't read. I'm scared of it. Isn't reading like the purpose of your life? I visited this site every single day without failed. Probs to me but at what cost? It's not like I interact with other user too. Ok bye, I'm sleepy.
Aah aa mic testing. It's been while, hi. It's me. I'm the problem it's me. Lol I'm joking. I don't have anything to confess but I miss writing here. And that's it also pls period ko jangan lupa datang. K bye
Suddenly I'm obsessed with demon king trope?? Like do I want to isekai there? Probably. Man I'm jealous
Salam from me. Today is Feb 22 2023. I've rest well enough. Didn't do anything and I'm feeling very grateful. I'm taking a break. It took me one week, rereading 2gether the series and I kid you not. I keep rereading even though I've finished it the second time in one sitting. I just loveeeeee it. I wish the story didn't came to an ended...
Instead of Hana, I would like to rename myself as... Haya
if I wrote my full name in a speed of light. It will be "fahayana" and hayana, short to haya. Idk it sounds lovely and when I did my research. In Arab it means "natural". Omg that is so beautiful
My parents are so fucked up. The end of the story.
I accepted. I finally accept the uncustomary in my life? Lol trying to use a foreign word that I clearly didn't know how. I'm QUEEr
LMAOOOOOOOO TODAY'S DATE FEB 26 AM I JOKING? BARU BULAN 2 TAPI MASIH USELESS
There are times where I want to comment but the comment section was full with hate comment. But I really need to comment. You know what I did, I commented with a slick of sarcasm. I just want to appreciated her beauty but society said otherwise. I still remember lol, "wtf she's really beautiful" the need to put wtf there is concerning and needed.
Idk why I'm very salty on this site. Never act this way my entire life. I hate on character as if I am nothing. My life is empty lol. Wait no lmao. Irl you need to, yk keep a steady friendship. Balance social and private life. Im scared my family would know I care abt my own struggle more than them. Tho, what do I even afraid of? It's my life, ofc I had the privilege to do whatever I want. Nepotism. Lol I still can't forget I had to buy my own hygiene stuff when I was 13. My mom didn't like the fact I lived in dormitory. She keeps complaining I wasted so much money. Well joke you, I don't want to live at home and pandemic hit. Lol let's just say, my depression got worse to the fact my mom grasp and shake me, "(why) are you depressed" what's up with her question? Lol can't you see. Are you blind? Are you that heartless. Ok stop. Stop this. I mean I'm holding a grudge... Is that a trauma? What I just utter tf nonsense above, is that some kind of venting? Idk tf I'm talking abt rn. Brb gonna. Alright stop. I'm fucking mess up. Am my period coming or what. What date is today, 030423. Wait a minute- hmm it's still to early, so why? Imbalance hormones ig. I kurang vitamin c in badan, my red blood didn't shape properly. But I'm scared of starving. I'm scared if I didn't eat 2 day straight. I'm scared if I didn't my period. Happened once. I'm scared. Other people must had experience worse thing than me. Lmoa astaga menjatuhkan harga diri pulak aku ni.
This isn't twitter for god sake
Storytime, I'm so fucking messed up. I'm jealous of my friend cuz she seems grown up. I scared of getting older but insecure cuz people get to be very carefree looking. Isn't they have haesh life too. Tf's wrong with me. I may consider ks everyday. Well everyday. Yeah everyday lol am I fr. I mean everything would simply resolved if the caused disappear. Easy step. Modern problems require modern solutions.
Storytime, we have enough food at home. Sometimes I keep thinking why is it that hard to make my sister eat. I fed my sister at noon and since my mother came back from work. It's her turn aka duty to spoonfed my sister. Then why? You could say in the scale of 7 days a week, my sister only eat dinner for abt 3-4 per 7days. It's really sad. My mom is broken, I'm broken. All my family member is broken. I keep thinking this too. Why do I resent my mother so much, what's her sin to me for doing so. Why? It's not what she did, it's my way of acceptance. The problem lies within me. Just like dokja lol. Im scared my family would found out I cared abt my friend more than them. But I don't trust my friend either. Lol me and my way of existing. I don't trust anybody. I feel guilty when someone made me as their so call best friend when you don't even know what I'm feeling deep down. Oh god... It's 4am here, tomorrow- lol it's today rn 9 march wah lol suga bsday. it's worthless to cry. I'm sad. I don't feel suicide but just sad... It's not my period yet. Few more weeks so idk why I'm feeling this way. I'm so emotional idk why. I'm sad, I feel the joy. Ah, I know why. It's.. I have already used my feeling qouta. I'm bound to feel sad when this happened. I feel to much happiness. Lol when will I let myself freely feeling whatever I want without thinking it might be at risk. Fuck that theorism
Hi it's me again, hmm I witnessed my mother smashed my sister head into wall. Is that dera? Idk what it's called in English. It's not torture. Torture is more brutal than dera.... Abuse? Not really. I'll treatment? I guess. Wow never thought I would ever say this out load. She's hitting us because of punishment and tunjuk ajar? Ha ha I feel like my mind capabilities is worsening. My brain tries to put stop at this. It forcedly make me forget things that considering bad. Bad memory. I can't really remember anything. It makes my everyday life struggle. I lost thing so easily, I forget where do I put my phone. I get distracted. I feel like maniac trying to remember what the fuck I'm trying to remember in the first place. Aaaaaaah back to main topic, she's doing it to my sister now. I was playing with my phone earlier and the way she "teach" give me goosebumps. The way my body suddenly froze and shiver from the sight. Im scared. Is that a sign of ptsd? Idk. I definitely didn't try to cause trouble at that moment. Who knows what she might ended up doing to me. She's in rage mood. Wow. I'm so kid isn't I? She's clearly show something I shouldn't experienced and yet here I am. Being a victim, or playing a victim. Idk. Is my mind trying to corrupt me over? Is it trying to cover the truth from myself. Why am I so kindhearted useless shitty brat. I can't do anything except writing it here. Idk if I'm asking for help. Or just a reminder to my future self. This is the beginning of spm you. I'm upset with myself. I don't really care, but I can't
keep thinking that way. I need to face on my problem. My friend just call me people pleaser, I know that already but hearing that from her really made me realize it's that bad, already. I need to do something. At least in this year, do something that can keep you organized. Don't be a messed 24/7. Lives.
I can't use parts of fiction as a way to cope with reality
I don't want to rely on dokja on every. single. thing. That's the very reason. I postponed reading orv novel. I just can't. I can't.
I'm so fucking mad, my sister cries until her eyes swollen. All besides my mother and yet she acts as if she didn't know shit. I'm terrified. I'm scared. Im afraid. She's already masking her feeling at such young age goddddd
wtf. I know that feeling very well, crying without someone acknowledge but it hurts when people didn't notice. Who's to blame. We all are disaster to one another. This is sad. Its sad how I'm telling this to internet, out of all places. My household isn't the happiest.
Lol I got spoiled myself. Man didn't think- I might have thought of that. It's still shocking to me that kdj and ysa actually became a couple. Well my otp joongdok lol. It's fun and game- No, it's pretty fun. Shipping when their s/o actually there is quite hard. Lol lee seolhwa. And I guess from my memory, author didn't really explain or using flashback abt yjh and lsh relationship. The moment I finally read when kdj and ysa was pretty intimate with each other. I giggled ♡(> ਊ <)♡ I love how they basically watch eo grown. Fuck and I love dionysus lol. I just want to talk abt Kim Dokja and yoo joonghyuk, sarawat and tine, alhaitam and kaveh. The three remind me abt their relationship? They're same? Somehow?
I'm upset and empty. Hari ii x dk n x tau nk baca apa.
Orv raise my standard too high. Fuck, I basically compared everything with orv. The novel shocked me to the core. The depth it has is unmeasurerable. I watched suzume two times and I gotta say, where's tf that cacing even came from? And two times I distracted when souta introduced abt his job and related stuff. Idk abt that worm. Also suzume is a fucking 17 years old equivalent TO ME!!?! IM THE SAME AGE AS HER AND SHE KEEP SAYING SHE LOVES HIM WHO JUST MET A FEW DAYS AND HAD FINISH COLLEGE AND WERE ABT TO TAKE JOB TEST. WOAH WTF. it might just me... I raise my bar too soon. He reminded me of howl. I mean look at him. I thought that if they made a highschooler male lead. People wouldn't really watch it. It's different when the FL is a highschool while being a girl. Well most people like anime girl. So they made a guy, a well off guy as the ml. If the guy were a bit troubling. People would annoyed. And tf he's fear being a failure. I surely thought... This is a gen-z movie. Idk the guy in rebellious phase as why he needs to weight such duty? It's such a heavy job. People got kill. And he, the fact that he idk just accept it as it is and not taking pride doing it just... Idk it bother me. I mean, I need to know what's his thoughts while doing this dangerous job. And the fact he kinda pulled suzume in. Yes, yess I know it was suzume's stun but he's an adult here. Realistic speaking btw. What am I doing here, talking abt a fiction... People can and may dream. I'm sorry. That was very harsh of me. I love the graphic, it's outstanding. Well deserved from _______. The song? Chef's kiss. But I gotta give this 8.5/10 it could've done better with character development. More character depth. I love the drama angst. I love the whole family drama arc. Totally fitting suzume vibe. And I gotta say, tamaki-san need a bitch. Doesn't matter who but- wait it do matter. I don't want that person to be minoru or that cheap ass serizawa guy. Be it someone that can takes care of her and suzume well. And that's it. Bye brb to my baby precious orv.
Would it be funny if i kms just because of ant ridsect? Man I know my self worth. I hate being treated like a trash so that's why I treat people with care. I never fought with any of my friends. It's crazy to think abt. There's many opportunities that we could be enemies but I decided to brush it off. Very securely and secretly. I don't want to fight nor do I want to argue. You'd probably never see me going all out just because I'm angry. I used sarcasm in daily life. So that no one could noticed when I truly pissed. Some even said they don't know if I'm joking or being serious. It's a bad habit. People can't see that I'm being genuine here.. oh what a life. And I want to state today's date. Today date is march 16 2023 yay isnin minggu depan sekolah lol my suffering is nearing. Brb gonna- and would it be funny too if, if someone were searching for my final message they need the access to my mangago account. I fucking hate myself. Why did I look for mangago when I'm sad, to escape reality? Seriously myself. Lmao as if you weren't suffering. Life is good but when as you get older, sometimes you just wanna disappear. Forever. Never came back. In one piece. Not that I wish. I'm scared because whatever I vent, I'll wrote it. It's reminds me. I hate it. But if I didn't do anything and bottled up. Fuck myself. That's the worst case scenario. I know the root of the problem so I'm trying alright. I'm trying not to keep it all to myself, inside this heart only. As long as I think I were being seen. It doesn't matter. I can do it. Just like that one tiktoker or influencer idk. When you're in isolation or in open acceptance, there's no risk of- I forget the next word. It's like there's no risk of being wanted??? Oh my god, my brain just when I need you. For example, completely isolation and people found out you're actually queer. It doesn't matter cuz I had no trust to people. Whatever they said had no influence over me. And being in open acceptance, means everybody knows what you're. And the fact they know doesn't really affect the way they prescribe you. Is in very lovely condition. For me. I'm masking on the acceptance side. No one knows but I'm risking myself so that I could blend in. It's fucking disgusting when it comes to that talk. Yo like did they fucking gorged your eyeball. Let they themselves accumulated their own sins... You don't have to. Fucking humanity
My heart currently in pain. I just want to cry but I can't. I suppress it myself and it got out of control. I can't cry whenever I want. Lol talking about feeling as if I'm talking abt a toy especially a doll. You can't force a feeling. Sometimes I just sad, one thing for sure I asked I wanna cry. Maybe insert self-pride. My ego, I know how miserable it is to feel pain. Well not able to cry pained me more. I hope this will resolve before I reached adulthood cuz that's when real pain begin.
Once again I realized the power of ff XD :D :) :] :> :')
Hi one day after commenting. Can't believe there's a day I wouldn't comment- wait lol there are. Alright alright. My thoughts are killing me. There's so many feeling in a moment. What the fuck. I feel so relentless. I can't do thing right. No. Not that. Fuck my classmate. Fuck school. Fuck that new transfer guy. Fuck my childhood friend... Do I wanted this..? Help. What should I do. I might be able to control it. Fuck hormones. Hormones is... Why we need that
why we were born with it... Why are we a human... Fuck my period. Shit, stop procrastinating. Just come. Org nk puasa ni... Babi kenapa period aku dtg lambat. It should have came on 17th march but harini 22th march weeeeee. Tf don't do this. I didn't starved for nothing. I was young at that time. No pls...
Hi actually I have nothing to say. Maybe I have but were forgotten. It's currently 00:46. Mmm something to say. I have never imagined how could people fake cenario in their mind when I literally talk to my English teacher in my head on daily basic. Sometime I wish I could speak to her how I speak on the internet. Of course with formality. Dawn lol. "Forgive me, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to you in person. Though I wish I could talk to you. I have friend whom I talk in English in chat but that's it. When we met we switch to bm. Which suck. I'd love to -" lol I've arranged my word perfectly in my head but when it comes to, writing or speaking it out loud. It didn't work. Just a fragment. S. U. C. K.
This is actually nothing. Not in the between happy nor jealousy. Sometimes I cried watching happy couple. Have child. Being happy. I know it's all media social. Outside the frame we didn't know anything. Let's put that aside. I just.. can I get married? Do I deserve to be happy. It is cruel if I'm asking if can I marry the one that I chose from the bottom of my heart. Not someone that just seem ok from the get-go. I don't want to chose my partner just because they fulfill the requirements. I don't want to make family break. I'm such a rebel child. I know all my misfortune that I make. I feel unfair. I feel I didn't have to obey if I'll just get heartbroken later. I mean, who in the world would do something bad just because they like it. There must be a reason behind it. It might be jealousy cuz I see no future me in it. I see me as someone worthless. That's so harsh lol. Do I deserve nothing? Kekadang I do something cuz I know I won't regret it. Though it has sequence. It had nothing to do with me. Even if it had, let's just say it bring no harm.
My life is a damn joke. My friend once tell me she can't tell whether I'm joking or not. And well I know myself better so the act I'm showing her might be the pleaser me. Today, I just wanna showed a video abt a cat went into its owner room. The cat climb onto the mom, mom saw and pat it. Dad is the opposite, dad is dead sleeping. From the video it seems like the cat doing a cpr (I mean c'mon cat don't know know that) it's funny so I sent it to that friend. She say maybe it wants food so it wake the owners up. Take a joke. Chills.
I guess hearing ambulance sounds traumatized me. Mentally ill. But I stand. There's one neighbors. We're 3 years apart. Her mother is a lecture, father is... Idk but higher authority I guess. Sister got straight as, brother is average in family but outstanding outside. That left the little sister. Her. She. She commit suicide. It makes me think, I should've friend with her. I'm someone that rarely left house. I'm introvert which no one asked. Her case made me pay attention to other to the point. It's eating my inside. I always been people pleaser but this is on another level of dedication. My middle school friend transfer to my highschool. I hadn't seen him for 5 years. I act like it's only been yesterday we hadn't meet. To be honest, it's crazy. It's not like we're close or what. I mean we never talk? He's my friend but that's it. We never share a deep conversation or so whatever. It's crazy. It's crazy to think abt. How in the fuck I approached him again. He went to toilet for more than 30 minutes and I panicked. This is like the case with my classmate. If she headed to toilet more than 10 minutes. You could already guess, she slit it. And I'm the caretaker. Everyone depends on me. I'm glad I could be on use but I need freedom too. I can't go on like this. But I'm scared our relationship would ruin. That's why, everyone that I befriend I keep a clear border. No, I wanna be friend but no more than this line. You may see my crazy side, my loud side, my caring side, my sugar mummy side lol, my bi lover side, my true self side. But never act like you're more than that. I don't want to be cruel to myself, I love myself. No one wants to hurt themselves, right? Pls don't make me stressed. Don't make me tension. Don't pit pressure on me. I failed to protect others but do they even protect me from such? Why do I have to chat her? What abt that person? She's been her friend from form 1 and why me? Just because I spent more time with her doesn't mean she's my best friend. She trust you, but you ignore her feeling. It's not your fault but why did you give her fake hope? He thought of you as her friend. Is it hard? I'm not asking you to pretending but is it hard to keep her in your circle? She'll be more grateful than anything. She trusts you more than me, but If you intend you don't need dher. She came to me. I want to be friends with other too. I feel suffocated. Very isolated. I protect myself from my own cause. I know myself better than anyone. Well do anyone even know anything abt me? Do they even know what my fav color is? They they even know what I think abt English? English is my savior. It might be a language but it help me. Coping. taking in my native language is hard, it reminded me how absurd my country is. The language itself isn't an obstacle but the people. Is disgusting. I love English. I love everything that has related with English. Including my teacher. I don't even get A in my exam, but I still love English. English is different from other subjects. English is something I used in daily basis unlike math, science. It's great to add knowledge but I can't see the future. My future is blank. That's why I had hard time learning. I can't see what I'm gonna do with the knowledge. It's good to have knowledge. It just me, I'm the problem. Alright that's it. I'm ending this. I can't go on.
Marry My Husband
Daytime Star
A Business Proposal
There Must Be A Happy Ending
Until Debt Us Apart
Positively Yours
See You in My 19th Life
My Roommate is A Gumiho
My whole class is fake, including me. Aku jeles tgk kawan aku. He's my middle school friend tetiba last year highschool transfer to my school. He has so many precious friend whom he can proudly say he love them openly. I can't do that. I can't even say I love my best friends. Im weird. I have like 6+ best friends separately. They may and not know each other. I love all of them, but if there's two people at the same time. Idk what to do, I became blank. Idk who to choose... I mean TAHT IS THE FUCKING QUESTION WHAT AM I LIKE THAT. my love is kind of separation. Because of this, I hate choosing. I became friendly literally to everyone. It's everyone. Many junior knows me, but it seems like idek their name. I cam some faces but still if I suddenly is that really them, yk I'd just forget abt them. Suck being me. Why is it hard for me to even have a clear goal in life. When he (my that kawan) came here, I thought I could be a good friend to him. Take care of him. Lol my PTSD is worsening. My teacher entrusted me to take care of a classmate. Why me, do you even know what happened to me in one year. I became scared if anything happens, became overprotective to even a stranger. This isn't me. I don't remember me being this kindhearted. I'm scared of people going to bathroom for too long. (They kelar their ifykyk) I always right beside them, but what abt me. Who will take care of me? I'm scared of being alone, knowing everybody is here but neglected me. Why do I have to feel this miserable. I want to be that person who is confident, not easily gave up. The one who can take risks. That didn't listen to just some people. I'm scared. Is this depression?
I made a big mistake. Shouldn't have made that guy my friend. It's so hard maintaining a decent conversation. I mean I'm not a socialist person. Be it online or offline aka irl. I'm just not good. At conversation. I can be pretty enthusiastic in our first face to face interaction and that's it. Because I was masking even from the start. It's hard to maintain it. Oh god why I'm telling this to the internet. I'm scared whenever that guy chat me. He's just genuinely wanting to chat with me. I didn't sign up for this, maybe I am. But he's the one who made the first move. Not me. He say it first. I just want to use ig's filter lorddddd leave me alone. I'm so sorry. Maybe my PTSD isn't going anywhere yet. I'm scared of chatting online. Thus the people I get to know online. No, why I'm telling this online
this isn't my notepad, god. I'm so sorry.
"I wish I could write good memories here" haha lol aku boleh ja tapi intrusive thoughts took over my heart, my head, my body and me.
Lmao my whole family is watching Dragonball, together lol. There isn't really anything to watch. My dad layan Hindustan tapi dia sorang je yg layan. Aku layan, tapi yg best ja lah. It's funny, "DOUKAN DOUKAN PARADISE !"
Stress but I'm the one making myself stressed out. I told pretty white lies literally everywhere. Aku x tau kenapa aku susah sangat nk jujur.. like aku tau hg akan jealous but aku mai dgn dia, but why did I said I came separately now dia nk balik dgn aku. Aku gelabah x tau nk buat apa.. bodohnya. Aku takut sorang sakit hati, aku tipu dia kata yg dia x camni x camtu. I know everyone gossiping about her, but well I use plot device lol. My life is reality but I acted as if it's fiction. I'm sick for the past few days,I used I didn't go to school as an excuse. I hate complications. Fuck. Like I can sense negative thing that might happen. And yes this is overthinking. I can't smile knowing I lie. But I can't just look gloomy for the whole day. Huhuhu masking to the masses. We all hate fake. I hate being one then why the fuck I continue doing this. Idk. It's hard to stop. I mean what the fuck could I do? I can't choose side. No. The fuck. I want to be friend but it's the border... Or wall or whtvr they call. I always let it open. That's why I always get hurt.. idk
Hello x tau nk baca apa. To be or not to be. Happy shitty life. Mana satu nk baca also kaki aku sakit. Haha pergi sekolah pakai heel, first time tapi yg hebatnya x kekok. I last for.. 4 hours? Tapi I banyak duduk well sokay. Aku saja tgk tutorial cara jalan pakai heel. Allahu, sakit tu hilang dh tapi tetiba kakiku bend sendiri and the pain came. X sakit tumit but tapak kaki. Lol since aku banyak jinjat sebab hujan. I can't waste my treasure hahahah wtf. Kain aku satu. Nah not really aku just takut jatuh if I'm depends too much on the heel (part tumit) so it's better to use my tiptoes. What a great day to be alive.
I hate this, everytime after finishing a good story. I always feel bad
this is a common feeling, I can't help but feeling sad. I can't see them again after the endin. Author shouldn't ended their story yet yk. Hahaha your purpose is to make my life happier with your work. Just kidding. I'd kms if that ever happened. I sounds so complicated gosh. It's all because of them. Aki and tomoharu pairing. I love them but they're fiction. While I'm being delusion.
I love honto yajuu <3 I'm horny myself so I love characters that equally horny for each other and I love communication <<<<<<<<3 and consent GOSHH SO HOT. they both want each other, it's sexy yk. I want one too.
Hello idk it's been a week? Or weeks? And yeah I came back to that depressed shit loop. Senang je nk tahu, tangan aku cramp. Macam bodoh. Lepastu x bermaya macam anak haram. Sakit hati apa tah. Bodohnya. It's like you can get out from this mess. Tapi what the fuck did you do. You stay. Because it comfy. Yes I know what this feeling is. Aku dh dgn dia bertahuns. So when it came back, I already knew. I'm scared. I'm scared. X boleh sikit dh nk mati. Bodohnya. Struggle sikit pun x boleh. Haha Ku benci. Why so harsh? Ntahla I'm always like this. Other time aku hold back. I'm sarcastic because I can't say it out loud...
Bodohnya pergi cerita kt internet. Aku duk tunggu sampai satu tahap, I reached bio limit. Sakit hati weh. I can feel it physically. Sakitnya. Or wait. Masalah jantung kot. I'm idk idc I just it that what it is? As I said, nk tahu senang ja. Tangan sakit. Idk which part but tulang? Idk saraf? Kalau paling teruk, 4 ii limbs aka tangan kanan kiri kaki kanan kiri cramp. Also aku rasa sesak nafas. Macam x cukup air. Need to breathe. Wait haha wtf ofc am I. Then kenapa ada step to breathe. And always sakit kepala. I feel like dissociation? Idk asyik termenung and kalau aku start binge read reincarnated story. You know I'm fucked. I'm delulu to it's finest. It's okay tho, since I'm dont kms. It's okay to be a delulu as I'm not harming myself and aku x harming other. I'm scared of hurting people. Although abandoned attachment is the issue here. Haha x kan ku just nk clinging at people. I don't have boundary. I'm too easy. Kekadang nk kawan dgn org pun payah sebab I'm scared of hurting another people because of people. Camna nk kata, if someone show me my worth. I love them. I'll take care of them. Fyi not sexual attraction. Just i find them comforting. Tapi if dlm kelas... Aku bukan rapat sangat pun dgn sorang tu but I feel responsible sebab I'm the first one who reach out to her. Like what if someone abandoned her. Where would she go? ...I got some pretty fucked up mindset. Biar kt dia laaaaa. Besar bangka dh. We are not a child anymore. Grow up but I was forced to grow up. Aku kalau boleh x mau buat apa. I want someone to take care of me. X nk bagi aku stress. Just like a baby. Makan comot pun org kata comel. Aku ni kalau org suap, pastu makan comot. Ko ingat org nk cakap the same? Bruh might me only me but "wtf is she doing?" This is a need. I might kms fr. Haha bukan berani pun. Ko gila. Aku gila. Ya ampun.. aku memang dh gila. Dia dh reached satu tahap where everything is nothing. Nothing. I don't feel joy. I always feel anxious macam bodoh. Pi sekolah nk jumpa kawan pun anxious. Gelisah x tentu pasal. I know the cause. Tu la bodoh jugak kan. Benda boleh prevent but you think you can get over it by using the power of friendship LOLOLOLOL x, x, bukan ii, honestly tho, x paham dgn diri sendiri.
Well hello there. I've calmed down after reading monochrome rumors. My utopia. I've never burst out crying like this for a long time. I know damn well I'm getting my period in a few days but things get too overwhelming and here I am sharing my life. To the internet. Yesterday, my friend got into accident and the same time, I already made plan with my other friend. She's at icu and I can't contact her. Sure can't do anything abt it. And as I have plan. I went and have as much fun. But I'm scared mother would came back before I reached home. And thank goodness. Coincidentally(?) She came back after 10 minutes I reached home. The thing is. I'm scared of her. It's not like when would do anything but her perception of me. I hate it. I became rebellion because I can't escaped her gaze. If I follow her blindly, I might kms earlier than I expected. Yeah it's a hard topic. Today I was anxious the whole time. Why me? I have a brother, a useless one. Not blaming him tho. He already cut the rotten end. Good for him ngl. If not for him. I'll be the eldest here. Too many fucking responsibility. My mom would always said, seeing how lazy I am "nk kahwin pun boleh dh, x sampai setahun dh anak anak". I hate that. I hate that. I hate how useless woman is nothing but a product of marriage. And to have child. I'm so sad. It's like I have no self worth. Writing this while crying? Heck yeah. I'm not a whore, I don't even to guy in front of my family. I make them think I have no preference just because I hate that phrase. I know I'll get married sooner or later but why do you have to say that? Was it necessary to hurt my feeling? Who hurted you? As far as I know, you get married based on mutual feeling so why you do this to me? I can get married when I'm ready. Arrange marriage is one thing. Arrange ≠ force. Remember that. Ahh I'm getting side way. Continues from the beginning. I just wanted to asked. If being threatening with a scissor to stab my stomach, is that an abuse? Not abuse. Idk the correct word. Something like that. She also said, "my hand is shaking to stab people" I know she's joking but I'm scared. Writing while crying part 2. Asian this asian that. Idk. My mom always like this from my childhood. I know she's stressed. No. What the fuck. Why would you do that to your child. Pulling my hair. Slap my face if I was really a bad kid. Punch my face (this is rare) (lmao what I'm trying to justify). Pinch until bruised. I guess I'm resistance toward pain and my feeling. It hurt. Sometimes I just can't distinguish between what's real or fake. I hate when I'm crying. "Is this real tear or I'm just looking for attention" but what's wrong with wanting attention. I'm just a kid, I need love too, right? I mean is it to the point of dying if you could just say I'm pretty. Occasionally? Like word of affirmation? Like you know we can trade smile and love. I never once say I love my mother. It's so weird to me when I realized in highschool. We never really had mother-child moment. Sometimes I'd gossip with her. But oh. I get it. Yeah. "Stop treat me like your friend" when a few weeks before I learned your- writing while crying part 3. She came into my room haha wtf. Rn. Right this moment. A few minutes before clock hit 21 may 2023. I think she saw my eyes but it was dark. Idk idc. I learned your mother is also your best friend. That coach was lying. I think I didn't do anything that crosse a line that a child shouldn't do. So is it my fault? I lose completely trust in her. Idk she couldn't be trusted. I know mother love is unconditional. But her, I doubted it.... I shouldn't say that.. you weren't there when I really need therapy. You shaked me and asked if I have depression. Lol what do you think? Writing while crying part 4. I need time to myself by doing what exactly? Writing diary is probythe best idea aka life journal but I'm scared of people reading it. Haha not really I feel like there will not enough page .a little tmi. I always wrote in my notebook which I keep in my pencil box. It's funny how I literally bring that to school but danger coming ahead. No people has read that notebook yet, but yeah I'm scared. I have no place. Nah I'm making things hard for myself. Lololol denial is my coping mechanism. Nah, more like idk masking. I still feel sad. I released at home from exhausting school day. My bad. Getting stroke while reading? Me either. Idk anymore. Dear me, pls don't stop writing. I'm the writer of my life. Honestly hate it here. Idk why I'm suffer myself. I feel bad but I don't have a choice I mean idk what to do. Using my rational mind is not that useful. Rather getting harder. Slay. That's it. I'm tired. Someone wanna go on a date? I just want to roam around in the night until my final moment. Idk. Writing while crying part 5. It's crazy how in my mind, this is usual. Idk getting tired. Bye love you mom, jk
I need to fix my relationship w glasses lmao idkla glasses guy is hot but I read cerita yg kurang ada mc/ml glasses tapi banyak antagonist glasses which makes me scared lol. Kadang ii I was like, is this guy.. safe? Lolol like seriously people uses glasses as disguise and no hate to glasses people. Your glasses makes me my eyes scream haha jk don't take this seriously. I myself in need to get my eyes check. I have astigmatism. Plsssss my eyes already so smol I don't want it to be any smaller. Wearing glasses doesn't make your eyes shrink okay. It's just my appearance. Wearing glasses is cute. Think positively babe. You know how people style it. But kalau kanta pun dh macam kanta pembesar
I've seen it irl my friend sometimes comment abt it. Suck la. Aku might pakai glasses im late twenty so aku kena enjoy mata aku yg x berapa nk elok sepenuhnya.
Hi it's me again. Oh how I wish there voice recording. But I can't. She said I'm "megah" "kawan bayar lebih rasa megah" I'm trying to defend myself? "Hg tgkla rezeki x kan dtg macam ni" I already said it to her I don't want to do anything anymore. Though I didn't made it clearly. Aku x mau buat utk org, x pun susah nk paham ka. Aku nk buat something utk diri aku. If aku nk bagi something kt org, that's my choice. I can't even show you something I made because I would hate it if you show it to people. It's good to get acknowledge but this isn't what I wanted. I don't want fame nor do I want money but mother why do you make things hard for me. Pls I did not crochet for money. It's self pleasure if I say it out loud. I don't want money
I know. I knowwewww crocheting can get money. People would but it. But pls.. I'm still a child. Let me do whatever I wanted
like bruh crocheting is not even a proper income. I just want to do this as a hobby not as a job. A carrier is different since I choose this path. But pls. You're hurting my feeling. Me feeling megah bcs my friend bayar sekuntum bunga for rm10? Haha lol I pergi kedai jual brg crochet nampak sekuntum bunga nk mencecah rm20. And you call me, megah? Asyik nk exploit aku. KENAPA. You know if I have someone who do crochet. Aku pun seronok setiap hari nk commission. Tapi bila difikirkan balik. X penat ka. HAHA AKU PENAT WEH RASA PRESSURE AKU X SUKA PRESSURE HAHA AWAT HG NK AKU MATI BARU SEDAQ KENAPA AKU X SUKA AMBIK ORDER HAHA this is too fucked up. Benda simple tapi itupun nk rasa cam nk mati. Are you alright. Lololol ntahla babi. Sorry I shouldn't feel this way. You know how feelings were buried inside. And being bottle up. Kekadang aku sendiri x nampak struggle diri. What do you expect. Sometimes aku x laham kenapa aku nk marah sangat. This is why I don't really like show off my things. Nooooooo it's just in front of my family. X paham. Oh. Because I'm gay? HAHA wtf weh. Kepada sesiapa yg baca ni. Ya aku tau aku pelik. Hold it in. Don't cry. Hg nk jadi mcm birthday 2022 ka? Menangis depan tulang order. Salah ka kalau aku pentingkan diri. kalau aku dlm cerita, my story would probably abt coming of age. Plus self resentment. Aku pikiaq balik, dari kecik memang susah nk jujur. I didn't lie. It's just I say something according to the circumstances. Like let's say, "who do you love more? Daddy or mommy?" Obviously I'd choose both but then again my conscience/conscious said otherwise. Daddy once choke mommy but it's been a few years and they're happier. Like that's so bad
if I have a child I would never let them experience this. Crying while writing pt 1. Maybe j just had bad childhood but idk I can't really remember my childhood. I do recall some embarrassing thing. Like me idc just push my mother motorcycle just because it block my way. And yes the side mirror and front lamp broke. Tbh I have no self shame. I don't care abt norm. It's to fit in. It's fun getting dressed up. But that's just for show. This is the world we live in. Let me wash my face first. I give up
Continuation from above but I won't talk abt that. Instead my depression is coming back hahah. Yk how there's a pattern where you could recognize. It's coming. Maybe only me. Idc. I've gotten into dreamcore again. Escape from reality? Me? Yes who doesn't want to? Hallucination? Idk abt that. Just when I finally got the courage to seek help but word won't come out. I stutter. "...mental il-illness.." lololol I don't think the word illness did even get out from my mouth. I just left, leaving the receptions worried lol. After months of trying, I got the courage but left. Slay
Thus this mark the June of 2023! HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!!
should I trauma dumping here? Nah wanna being happy je. If there's anything gempak aka shit happen, I updated :D
Edit: NOOOOOOOOOOO ORANGE HEART X BOLEH
DIA X, IDK BEING REGISTER??? cuma ada merah, kuning, hijau, biru, and purple... Sorry oyen, oyen jenis kebal kan? Huhu sedih
I missed the yaoi genre section??? Bro I was scrolling expecting the yaoi shit but I noticed there's shojo, wtf shojo being in yaoi genre then I saw, "action manga top 10" lmao (4/6/2023 23:02) ok but seriously it's so weird
I feel like something is missing and I know so what should I do
I don't like this, bring back "yaoi manga top 10" it feels so unsettled??
Maybe it just myself I don't like this change
I just checked my friend message and I realized, I really can't tell anyone. I can't even tell my friend, my mom just compared me. Yeah call me ungrateful but bukak ii ja online, everybody agree. It was such a nice feeling. Everybody related. It's so nice bonding with strangers. Mainly bcs we don't know each other and we don't even need to know. I love having small talk but just don't get too attached. A reminder to myself lol
I'm a tough girl. Don't cry. I'm holding back. Don't cry. Don't even think of tearing up. Hold it in. You can't run. But I feel suffocated. Idk. This isn't torturing. You're faking it. Oh crap, my mom's word influencing me. Lol yk what I'm already insane. Pls no more. I saw that one TikTok, wait need to search it.
Lololololol after so long, aku tgk encanto. First of all aku baru nk paham the hype abt Bruno like he's so cute????!? Wtf idk he's the man. So cute wtf so invulnerable. Maybe bcs I'm genz and probably still childish and can't handle stress so well. Omg wtf
{When it comes to Bruno, who's ostracized by his family and ends up hiding in the walls of the Madrigal house so he can be nearby but not have to face them, there's plenty to talk about.
Bruno's gift is seeing the future, and his family members blame him when the prophecies come true. Some of his mannerisms have sparked speculation about other possible diagnoses for the character, who's the focus of the movie's most popular song.
"He thinks differently. He sees things differently," Adelakun says. "We have family members who are also neurodivergent or have mental health issues, and because they're different, they get shunned, or they're not spoken about."
Family secrets like the stories that come out when Bruno is discussed in the film are a common sign of the intergenerational trauma many first-generation families deal with, Lemus says.
"We don't talk about feelings. We don't talk about emotions. We don't talk about trauma. It's so taboo to bring it up, and it's uncomfortable to even express ourselves," says Lemus, who says she tries to work with patients to help them learn how to better communicate those feelings.
"But also, she says, "without the expectation that it's going to be taken the way we expect it to be. Because...we don't know how our parents or grandparents are going to take those hard conversations. ... Generation from generation, if you didn't learn how to express your emotions, you're not going to know how to communicate in a healthy way."
in reality, he was just a quiet outcast rather than a looming doom that lived in the home. However, by sharing a height closer to Mirabel, it showed how similar the two were, as she was also an outcast that loved her family unconditionally}
Yeah I'm that fan. Him being fan's favorite
Edit:I'm keeping this
Eh so mangago tukar balik yg action manga top 10 tu. Hahahaha thanks lol I love my yaoi section
Just a TMI moment, I hate triangle love trope like wtf is that? It just if I was that person. I'd just give up immediately. I'm not in kind of competition. Sure I'll back up but what can I do, I'm just a fragile human. Second, I hate teacher x student trope and yes wtf is that? Yes this happen irl but we'll it's my o.p.i.n.i.o.n. I hate school so having a crush on teacher. May happen but I just don't like the fact teacher witnessing our grown like idk. It so weird. This is not abt being a minor. It's not like you can get married at such age. But those who start dating their teacher after graduated... 50/50 for me. Or maybe reunited w ur teacher... Nah I still don't like it. Third hmm ex trope. Not abt being apart with good agreement but those who using their ex's heart. You know redemption arc. I just idk. If they have a very defiting(?) Yg sesuai punishment haha I'd gladly accept it. Honestly aku still x leh lupa senjou no bokura.. aku sendiri x paham cerita tu. I'm still young x rasa lagi. Keperitan hidup. Well it's sad.. hahaha aku type dari atas sampai bawah just nk luah apa yg dipendam, my childish thought sebab I can't get it out other than here. Cakap dgn mak aku macam ni, memang kena penyempak. Mk aku selalu ugut nk penyempak, tarik rambut, hempas dkt dinding. Ok like honestly aku takut, I've experienced all this. Maybe getting older mak ko jadi a bit shy. Sapa didik anak dia dgn dera? To my unexpected, literally most of people. Nampak ja baik on the surface, kt rumah dia kita x tau. People say, break the chain. I'm trying. My best. And I'll still try and keep going. Sometimes I'm scared of disrespecting my parents. They raised me (lol) but I just don't understand why would people said, we need to repay their kindness? Like I don't get to choose my parents. And "repay"? "Their kindness"???? Isn't raising a kid should be sincerely? You're not babysitting other people child, it's your own. I don't get it. Honestly (again), I'd never understand other children's struggle. We live in a different world. I have this kind of parents, some don't even have a parent. Some just straight up being neglected. I should feel grateful and here I am, venting. 3 minutes left before 1am hit. Damn. What a rebel. Being a protestor too. Alright imma stop
Plssss someone needs to upload 1. Kabe Sa Doujin Sakka no Neko Yashiki-kun wa Shouninyokkyuu wo Kojiraseteiru and 2. Takara-kun to Amagi-kun these two have drama adaptation but idk if it's here? With different names
Hahahah just found out abt this, ifykyk equivalent to ytjt X
I might be crazy but, first of all, I'm bi. And after years questioning. I'm tired of trying to change my mind that I'm not queer. I just yeah label doesn't necessarily say that person is 100% that spectrum. He may be gay but still find woman attractive. Okok so... I fear the worst. I don't like saying this. She's gay. That sounds so wrong. I don't want to assume thing. What if she is not. I'm just being homophobic then. But the sign
it's so scary. What if the reason she distance herself from me because she think I might know
wtf and yes I might and am a delusional. Idk. Idk. She never dated guy but the act of dating doesn't necessarily means you have no feeling nor lust. I'm so sorry. whatever she might be idc. But if that the reason she's like this to me. I can't accept it. I'd never. I sounds so childish lol. But seriously we've been friends since form 1.
Hello world it's me, again. It suck when I need to aim higher just bc doesn't want to get compared. Nah celebration dinner tonight? God have mercy. I'm scared and I'm pretty much a. antisocial lol. I make myself that way bc I don't want to mingle w anyone that might be the reason my heart will torn to piece. I mean it already is. And maybe I'm just jealous. Help my mother glamoring someone else's child. What am I then. Looking back.. I'm a failure. I'm lazy. I'm stupid. Maybe not stupid cuz I understand thing but didn't put effort so yeah plus I'm selfish, ignorant, superior complex I couldn't never finished count. I'm a bad person. I... Idk I don't want to live but life short so we need to enjoy it while it lasts. But I sensitive to stress. I can't handle stress. But here I am writing, I'm still here. I'm alive. Im still alive. College life, sounds fun? Like c'mon you wanna experience it, right? You know it's fun. And you gonna make it more funnier. It's just spm. Grade doesn't define who you are. Being smart is a plus. But we need effort. Lolol that's not the point. It's just I wanna be stupid, that childish, having fun without care of the world. But in order to enjoy that moment. I need to have an easygoing life first. Seriously wtf. I mean that's the bestest option, right? Like you saw it. You saw how easy it is. You don't have to experience pain. You'll never feel hurt. No one can hurt you. So tempting. And that's it before I got admitted to ward.... That's what my 1 hour ago said. I went and scrolling some shitty relatable TikTok and it got me. my realizatio. What abt my inner child. She deserved the world and there's me wanting to end everything. I love you. She's innocent. don't do this. At least for her. Keep striving for the best. She wanna wear makeup. Wear it for her. She loves flowy dress, wear it and you know what? What abt try making one for her!!! She be hella confused like "I can make dress? When I'm bigger? Other than sewing buttons!?! That's so cool!" And I know you wanted the best for her. Ahhh self consolation is the best since I know myself better than anyone. Inner child in one of the part of the unhealthy trauma. Sometimes being call having mustache is suck. "Are you a man or a woman?" Lol can't you see? I get it the androgynous win-win situation but I don't like it... I wanna be feminine but people would judge saying "she's too gedik" my friend keep saying judgmental when she's is the one
like let people do whatever they want. You don't want people to restraint. (aku search dikongkong in English and it give "fucked" wtf
) it's just a TikTok. Dia nk gelek tu masalah dia la. People are so concerned when it's not their deal. Suka menyampuk. Meluat aku. Aku tunjuk cosplayer and you said "I would be your friend anymore if I saw you wearing that" ....tf was that. One of my dream is to cosplay venti from genshin. Lmao I might alter a bit to make a vivid contrast of myself and venti. A perfect balance. What I would wearing just know venti would look good in it. Ok that's it bye
Hello um it's been 6 days since batch 05 got their spm results. I guess it affect me greatly. My whole life been flip over in an hour. I realized how in the the world I'm gonna went to overseas with my shit grades. I could easily ace English but math??? Account??? Economy???? Most importantly history. I like history but idk it's super lame. My country- HAHAHAH MAMPUS KALAU LUAR DGQ NI AKU HANCUR. I mean yea even people feel the same way. Bukan saja student but org yg lebih tua dri aku. How my country handle "S" country. I'm being very obvious rn, I'm even using bahasa rojak so yeah. Sarcastic kalau x dpt la. I love world history. Tapi nk kena belajar country ni punya history idkla. It's a good thing tho. I'm learning abt my country. Aku nk salahkan those historical fiction story. Disebabkan depa, my country seems lacking. Omg I shouldn't have said that. X sayang negara sendiri ke
tapi yk except how we currently live. Aku rasa bersyukur sangat. The poor got to go to school. Learning is essential to life. People want proof. Umm not me saying this, aku pun suka belajar. Learning new things. But since I'm talking abt school here, for example, science. Science is everything. Everything is science. Pergi mana ja science. Duduk saja pun science. Science is superior. Hahah same goes to math. sure calculator is a good method. I'm watching you soobin. Aku nk belajar dari mula, supaya paham and I can use it outside from school. In my everyday life. Bukannya belajar sekadar nk lepas exam. That's not my goal. Yk when teachers, cikgu, guru yg tinggal a few bab just because last year spm dh masuk. Ustzh I'm looking at you. I'm sad. Bila belajar kena rushing, but why? Not all people are quick learner. sure they can study by themselves but then what's the purpose of learning at school and getting certificate? If you don't understand it completely. This is my life prinsip. Take it or leave. But I'm the one who's leaving
but maybe since upsr, pt3, stpm(? I'm not quite sure abt this one. It's form 6, but it's not like everyone obliged to get this ?) Senang la aku cakap. X rasa lagi. Skrg baru bulan 6 (heh harini anniversary BTS) trial bulan 11/12, spm sebenar might on bulan 2/3 and I've been form 5 for 3 months. Camna ko boleh expect aku nk kedewasaan bila I'm this childish
I need to grow up but why there's adult saying they wanna be child again. I'm confused. Should I spend my childhood more happier and that's what I do. I'm not greedy, tho money is essential ngl. I'd to just have fun. I don't have to think abt getting so work out. I wanna have a job that suits me. I wanna have fun everyday. I want to smile. Who doesn't? I don't like getting stressed out. I don't like complicated things. I hate conflict. I hate when my friends argue like c'mon we can prevent this if you use your head. Let's think rational.... Teringat si dia. I need to go, makin messed up otak aku. Byebye
I got a decent new. I fucking lost 50/50 to a fucking jean. Pardon the language, I'm not mad I'm just bitter. I asked my dearest friend to pull in my account. Since my storage said otherwise. I just want to pair my kaveh with the fucking alhaitam so they could have a happy ending. Dhlah x dpt kaveh in my main account. Dpt kaveh in second account. But sumeru pun x sampai lagi. Wtf aa. Nk progress pun x boleh. Alhaitam. I get that it's my carelessness that leads you afar. First banner x cukup pull pastu boleh dpt hutao after few pull
are you kidding? Wtf. Aku even beli crystal genesis okay. what's with my luck. My friend said she would farm primogems for me
that's my friend y'all. She's my savior. She's the one. I love her.
"Aku nk luah sikit, aku tgh landing atas katil and kt liaq semuk. Mk aku panggil aku tapi aku kata aku nk lena. Pastu dia start beletiaq "ada anak ingat nk membantu, lebih baik x yah ada anak" tau pun, pastu kenapa beranakkan aku kt dunia ni, aku x mintak pun. "Tgk suatu hari nanti, anak hg akan buat benda yg sama" aku akan jaga ank aku dgn elok, x memekik malam ii buta and the end" from aku nk kuah to the end is supposed to hantar dkt kawan aku but dia tgh cerita tentang her fav movie so I couldn't just interrupt the mood right. Ha... We loving in a small world. Everyone can relate with me. Seriously aku x mintak nk keluar dri sini. Mother you know because of you I hate children. They're innocent but I hate them. This is so fucked up because someday I'll have children too and why she's making me feel this way. Do she feel better saying all that shit to me. I hate when I trigger her mood. It's not my responsibility to make you feel better. I hate when you made me invulnerable I don't understand why I hate her
I'm trying my best staying same rn. *Flashback* idk how depressed people feel. I as a self diagnose, self proclaimed lmao... I'm just depressed. Was? Idk I don't know a shit. Everyone vary from each so we can't rely on other's symptoms. Sometimes I just wonder, why it is so hard to kms. I still have attachment towards this world. I keep thinking abt the people I left behind. The problem I created for them. Hahah let's say I'm gone. People would talk abt my mom's back. And like hehe that child was a good kid and quiet. A hardworking and why did she unal**ed herself. And my mom be like. "What did I do wrong with my life. My mom didn't taught me this." HAHAHAH she probably despise me for leaving before her. "Who's gonna bear my grandchildren" "who's gonna take of me when I'm older and can't walk anymore" "I'm a good mother, it's her fault she d***" "she do it to herself" while showing the most sorrowful face and pitiful to other. What she said might be honest and that hurt me. I want to disappear. And I guess I understand how my friend, people would say, "she don't understand common sense" and there's me trying to blend in, fit it with other so I won't become an odd one out. She's hurting herself and yk no other person other than herself may fix herself. I don't understand the norm. Why. Just why. But just like I said, to fit in. I guess I'm scared of people. But wearing a "it is what it is" mask. I once decided to myself. I don't care. I won't care. And yeah the most fucked up I've done to myself. Brainwashing myself to the point I can't feel guilty. Yeab I'm scared but what about the cost of being terrified? I trade it my my guilt. I feel like everything happens because it was bound to happen. We just live in the present and follow the flow... Why did I do that to myself. Ok crap. I hate this. I finally understand why divorce is a big matter. I never understood why. Eh no. I never feel it myself. I think I understand a bit when a divorce takes place. Everyone suck. Trying to find fault. The house atmosphere's suffocating. I feel like I want to die. But if I die just because of this. It seems silly. I could've prevent this. I could've done better. I shouldn't kill myself just because my household in uproar. Haha aku accident, tapi moto yg aku naik atas nama mak aku so mak aku yg kena report. Under nama dia. Like- okay aku x paham apa. It's my fault and I don't sound guilty. And I know it's my fault but why would you blame me... Benda nk jadi. It's my fault la kalau aku mati sekalipun? "Muka ni, muka ni, MUKA NI YG AKAN DIKATA ORG" "MUKA NI YG AKAN MASUK COURT" IM SORRY AKU X SENGAJA MASUK SIMPANG X BAGI SIGNAL AND SOMEONE HIT ME FORM BEHIND. AKU SAJA JA NK ORG LANGGAR AKU. AKU MINTAK MAAF. Apa aku buat nii... I hope someone will never discover this. Aku x suka sapa ii. Tu je.
Hello Idk how long I didn't write okay bi yilek. Anyways. I'm in no control of my emotion. My thinking... I'm so sorry. It suck I'm getting my period which mean, hormone. Hormones is good but sometimes I wish I disappear. I don't want to feel thing. I hate when I'm getting it I'm suddenly suicidal like plsss my mother done nothing wrong. I blame it all on me and I. Just. Want. To. Stabbed. Me. To death. Haha why I'm being so transparent today
idk oh god I'm so sorry if someone trigger (yes you, the future me) I hate myself for getting too sensitive like c'mon it's a phase... What Tf is wrong with me
idk what to do with my life. I can't really tell anyone abt this. Imagine, I goes "I wanna die" some might respond with "me too" (it may be coping or joking idk I just wanna talk things out...) and some might just give me side eye (on the serious note, this is far the scariest). In conclusion, I hate me but at the same time. I'm full of worth. I hate myself for making me going through this hell. Why can't you treat your mother nicer. Idk the possibility of the future terrified me. But her yelling make me flinch, I ahte that. I'm scared she would pull my hair suddenly. Is that not enough of a reason to not... Ykw listen to advise. It's not worth fighting over something you feel right. I'm queer and shit if she ever find out. I mean she will eventually. I already prepared for that day but am I financial stable? Nope. Do I have a roof to sleep in? Nope. As long as I have the two needs. I'll survive. My mother knew my adulthood plan. She know I'd start moving out once I'm graduated. Live across the globe (cuz I hate it here). Travelling. Living with pride. I said it all easy but idk if I'm able to achieve it. Like god, why am I being born. Do I have a purpose? Make one people said. It's easy said than being done. I'm scared of shit. Last but not least, it's hard to talk with stupid person. Like when did I joined this idgaf war. I don't want to be here. You're the one who drag me here. "Buat penat aku memgandungkan 9 bulan" haha x mintak pun. Nasib... X terlepas. Might get cancel in twitter but here? Just block me, hate me, let me live my life here. I'm a walking red flag (but my mom brighter lol) ok done I'm tired wannammm asshsjalladjhdjdalla
I can't think rational rn. Idk if this a calling for help. I have severe headache. And my mom keep complaining people doesn't seem her pain. Ok like you didn't tell people and expect people didn't care abt you. It's so fucking toxic. It's like you're telling me, you cannot share your pain with other. If my friend said this, I don't give a fuck but it's her, my mom. You're supposed to teach me life lesson not making me like you. It's hurting. It fucking hurt. I feel like I want to overdose. I think abt all possible method to k
M
S
Lol I feel suffocate. My room is a mess. I hate living. I hate people. My head feels heavy. Like a burden. Should I just cut it off? It hurt so fucking bad, I just want to smash my head against wall. Idk I can't sleep. I. Can't. Sleep. I'm supposed to sleep but I can't sleep because of this head. Idk what should I do. I want to take a bath and idk, idk. Hello it's been 3 hour or so I guess? I've calmed down. I can think straight. I eat 2 panadol and flu.... ubat Selsema. I'm okay rn. Aku rasa mk aku dengki dgn aku. I cook today and she said I didn't do anything today. Bruh you said that daddy didn't see what have you done to the family and now you're trying to become him. Lol. What crappy life. How ironic. You became him. X suka peranggai daddy but started to act like him. Wtf.
Currently 03:30 am. Ok just wanna share my least, nah I don't like thrope(?) Or trope(?) Idk which is the correct word. I don't hate it. I mean if I had no choice, I'd still read it nevertheless. I don't really like when you reincarnated to find your past lover but they don't remember you. Remember you're your own person. This is different kind of isekaid/reincarnation story we always read. The kind we always read, mc got reincarnated into a protagonist/any character but in my case. The one who got reincarnated is the original guy. Example, he is looking for his wife, but turned out in modern world is a man. The worst part, that man didn't like him but grown to like him as they spend time together. Then, jealousy arise. "You don't love me because I'm not (____)" "I'm his replacement" ok bitch listen. The past lover is you but you have no your past live memory and your soul is the same as in the past. That's why those demon kings, angle, arghhh idk whoever capable on searching you- I can't remember what I had in mind. Just wanna say, I hate this trope so much. Lol I said it. I hate it. It's so bothersome. I wanna see some happy shit, not some depressing crap. Yeah I know. That's why I avoided them. Ok that's all. Just wanna get this out from my chest. Phew
Oh god hi people of mangago. I thought I was going to die. Seeing there's no "edit" in bio.. I feel like my world was shutting down. And i also thought, we got comment section back but I need to sacrifice my bio. I thought I was reaching my bio limit. It was terrifying. Seriously I thought I was gonna die, die of loneliness. I didn't really actively talking to people here. I mean I only talk to myself. This is my weh of coping.
Aku actually nk cerita macam mana kawan aku ni seumpama rama ii yg x leh nk kemana sebab environment. She's so diva ngl I like her but my classmates is such a pussy. Deep down aku pun gedik sebijik macam kawan aku tapi since need to blend in, fit in. Aku pun jadi keldai. Haha aku x tau do oeribahasa yg sesuai. I feel bad for her. Aku nk kawan dgn dia but I'm scared of _________tion of other (haha x tau perkataan be like) (perception kot) the closest friend in my class to me, dia tu liaq tapi x suka hat gedik. Aku redho tapi tu la kesian pulak kt dia ni. Nk tolong pun x leh. Aku just x kan masuk campur bab mengata. Suck to be her. Okok sudah nk cerita pasai lain, pi cerita yg lain. Oh ingat dh. It feel terrifying nice to scream in front of your parents. I was justify my thoughts, my school thought. I do feel guilty. "Why tf did I scream just now" though they listen. Aku tgh cerita abt how it's better to have influence of other school's student? Napa macam pelik ja ayat aku. Ok here's the other thing. Saja nk share. Typing is depressing asf. Unlike irl, I can't scream here. Let's say, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" in capital. It doesn't really show how tf I scream. It's depend on your imagination. And I as a... Org yg tgh luah x nampak macam mana hg perceived my misery. Aku x leh byg couple yg x pernah jumpa, always use text tetiba jumpa and decided to move in together. How's they capable of that? And they broke up. Haha life. Sebab dlm text kita boleh alter message, "oh maybe dia x kan suka kalau aku cakap macam ni" despite irl,kita akan straight to the point because x dk masa utk berfikir. It's still beautiful tho. The art of communication lmao. Wtf did I just created something XD anyways aku tgh sedih. Aku rasa bersalah sebab menjerit tapi aku tgh kemukakan pendapat aku, and depa dgr. Which is weird. Aku tgh cerita pasai sekolah. Aku boleh ja cakap in normal tone but I decided to scream. Aku rasa tiga buah rumah boleh dgr. Oh bukan aku tgh explain sesuatu dkt kawan aku and yeah aku menjerit. So aku x leh control suara aku, aku just sambung menjerit kt family aku. Simple. Not a big deal. But I feel bad. What a people pleaser. This is what a people pleaser looks like. Ni sebagai salah satu contoh. Banyak ja cuma ini pengalaman aku la. Aku takut dlm hati depa, mungkin terasa kenapa aku menjerit and aku takut dlm hati depa, aku kenapa duk menyalak macam anjing liar sedangkan boleh cakap elok ii. Tarik nafas... Lepas. Ok dh. Keja eko x siap lagi. Bye.
Hi I'm a delulu. Is it possible to fall in love with someone based on their comments...? Omgoshhh I'm not supposed to share it here but idk aaaaa. It's like you can tell their story from the comments the commenting (lmao just like me) instead of using bio, they're using comment. It's like a puzzle. You had to find their comments. Eh not really. Whenever they talked abt their life aka involving real life matter. You could already guess what's they're like on the surface. Idk it's funny and yet dreamy... In here, everyone is anonymous. So only our persona were only shown. Be it "online" persona. Child-like persona. As for me, I'm everything. I vent out here bcs I can't irl. I'm loving here bcs my interest wasn't being appreciated. It's like I had two life. Me being inside here and there's me outside. I didn't glue with my phone 24 hour lol. Sometimes when I feel like writing something, I log in. Wrote. And that's it. I didn't read, I just wanna confess something. Man pretty lonely am I? I have friends but I don't trust them with my issues. I hate being misunderstood. I don't tell people my problem. I'm the worst at explaining. My mom also said, I don't know how to fight (back) so my mom fight for me. Well I didn't asked her to. She's the fuel to the fire lmao. Seriously that's why I don't tell my problem. My mom is the prime example. Ok bye esok sekolah.
Update: yes
it is possible and it's terrified the fuck out of you
Ok I came here with urgency. I don't know if I messed up or not but why did I jokingly yell at her in front of so many people. That was the worst of me. I wish we could record our scream here. I, feeling devastated, sitting on a chair with a blank face after realizing what have I done. That's insane. I'm insane. Oh god, me here's is so different than how am I outside. I more calmer here. I can think straight. I can reconsider if my way of writing is harsh. Ish... Living is very hard. I feel like don't want to meet anybody at school tomorrow. Now all of them might think of me as crazy. Crazy little pick me
gurlll wth did you done. I want her attention. I act crazy.
Remind me of girl crushing at her childhood friend. And they were neighbor. The girl act tough but tsundere af. I am that girl
tf Im so detached from the reality. Someone needs to pull me in back. I'm scared. I've experienced how insane I can be when I lost my reasoning. Trying to get a car to *censored* me. Yeah I'm pretty insane. DON'T BE PROUD OF IT BRUHHHH
I'm not joking. I seriously need help. Unhealed trauma is consuming me. When I got the chance to talk to a professional, why did I run away??
I was scared. Idk what will happen to me. But I can't just outright asked my parents to send me to psychiatrist. They'll think I'm crazy but I am crazy.
Um hello today
Tension... Kepala aku berdenyut.. sigh.. idk, I just want to k.o. myself so bad. I'm sensitive. Too sensitive. Sensitive too fast.. was abt to talk abt my mom and suddenly she arrived home. Kepala aku masih berdenyut. I tried so hard not to talk to myself anymore. I tried not to rely on mangago. Not that I hide my feeling but like a flow? I let it go with a circumstances. But shit goes hard, aku x dpt cakap dgn sapa ii pasai ni. Too much thought in my little head. Sakit kepala gila.. sakit kepala gila bodoh butoh babi. It fucking stressing me out we can't communicate for shit. We both have fucking ego tinggi mengalahkan Burj khalifa. Cam bodo gila. Pride pun tinggi melayang. And time paling membabi is bila aku x dk mood, aku x dk mood pastu org pi buat aku lagi x dk mood and now both of us x dk mood. Tension bodo. Semalam aku just happy aku dpt jawab paper math and I know aku x kan Lulu's pun (w a slight of hope, aku atas Pagar) but still I was too happy, it came with a great padah. Maybe salah aku, aku x mau ambik daun limau purut, dia punya hangat tu sampai aku terjangkit. Bodo. Pastu malam tu duk tekan aku ja bodo. Adik aku kena angkit sekali perasaan. Macam bodo. Geram. Aku just happy time tu, I thought she wouldn't mind kalau x bubuh daun limau purut. It's her fault. You're the one started this. Rasa cam nk mampus. Skrg. Right this moment. Rasa macam nk overdo** lepastu aaa method yg aku selalu avoid. Benda allah tu akan ada kt situ lama so, bukan nk kata apa yg aku lalui remeh but kenapa aku nk kena lepas kt badan aku. Bukan kt hati org? The birth of my villain original story lol but seriously I guess this what lead people becoming a murderer. I wanna k.o. myself so badly but no one knows. I learn how to handle my own stress and I guess it work? Idk of it's being bottle up tho. Well I'm just happy go lucky person. I'm that natural gal. But beg my own pardon, no one at school knows the real me. Hshshs aku dgn laki kt sekolah seumpama bermusuh sepuluh tahun. Aku trauma tapi x semua lelaki deserve that treatment from me. Yg perempuan pulak, aku layan macam dh bernikah sepuluh tahun
pelikla aku ni. I get intimate w the girls. It's easier to socialize w girl than a man. I love (wo&)man don't worry. Ok done, I have calmed down. Writing here probably the best thing ever happen to me. My headache just got a little bit better. It's better than before at least. Bye
Hi, nothing serious. I just want to talk. About ex. Hmm as of 2023. I have never dated anyone. Some has confess their feeling but mmm funnily enough, they're merely a friends in my head. Well, we no longer friends and that's how it is. I keep my border well. I guess they like that part of me. But when I tried to chase over someone. It went feral. Idk how to say this. Since I read a lot of story, plot that coincidentally has the same vibe w my irl. I can see what's actually happening. It goes; I will not be able to get together with the person I first like but instead with the person that chase me. They fell first, I fell harder. The first time someone confess to me, I actually got panic attack
thank god, that person text me. What if they confess face-to-face? I'd die of heart failure. I couldn't believe someone actually like me? Fr? But just like I said, we no longer friends. I was scared lmao. I blocked them. I repeat it was my first confession ever. I didn't unblock them until now. Poor guy
what if I calmed my heart down and think through. They is a nice guy. I like him platonically. We could've maintaining friend status quo. Friend, my ass... What about that guy feeling. Ok done, enough abt who confesiti me. Abt the person I chased on, it went brutal. I still can't fucking move on. Maybe right now, the feeling um slowly dying? In the past, I couldn't even see her face. I keep avoiding her. We used to be bestfriends. And we drifted apart by nature law. While in grief phase, I was mad asf. Couldn't believe what just happened. After a year and half, I started understand why my heart like that. Late boomer, they say. Living in a homophobic country is hard, the hardest thing is you don't know what your friend genuine thought abt lgbtq+. They might say something to blend in (just like me) or when I tried to talk abt this, the might think I want to gossip shit... Ok done. The root of why I started talking abt this. 75% of my friend has a lover. It's not like I felt left out but instead it seems like I can't open up my heart to just anyone. I hate that I feel this way. This shouldn't even becoming an issue. I could love whoever I wanted. I keep thinking what if I grown up in a liberal city. I am free. Whenever I saw my online friend status. Oh god, he can do whatever he want. I want to do whatever I want too. Here's the plan, study hard, goes on a faraway institute (doesn't matter where), study hard part 2, have a stable financial, goes overseas and be freeeeeeee. Hahah lmaoo my immature thought. My inner child inside me would be happy if someone (better if a parents) would adopt me. A sugar daddy/mummy too lmaoo nah I want a lover instead. I want to have a happy family. I want us to get married. Huhuhu idc abt honey moon, your choice is my obligation. Where do you want to live? In a city? In a rural place? I don't know what's to expect there since I did live in a rural area. Mmm alongside beach hahah what a dream. On top of hill? Heheh omg in a snowy place? I live my entire life in a hot climate. Snowy place would be a good change of vibe. Hshshsh imma stop here before my thoughts drifted far from what it should have been. Tata
I keep thinking what's the possibility of my classmates having an account. A mangago account just like me. I'm petrified by the thought itself. But I haven't heard rumor abt me yet so I guess I'm currently safe?
HAHAHAHAHAHHA AKU X TAU LA KALAU HG STILL X TERIMA YG HG BUKAN GAY. YOU'RE THE FUCK SO OBLIVIOUS. kak caltex tu tu just nk suruh aku download app for point. I know she's being flirty on purpose but I fell for it in a different font. OH GOD PASTU YG AKU PUN MENGATAI JUGAK KENAPA. IM TALLER THAN HER IT GIVE ME ADVANTAGE HAHAHAHAHA THAT WAS THE BEST. AKU TAU BILA AKU MENGATAI, AKU X CAKAP DGN KAWAN AKU LAGUTU. I ALWAYS USE DEEP VOICE WHEN FLIRTING. IDK IT'S HOT I GUESS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PLS IF YOU'RE NOT GAY (or bi, still valid) THEN WHY YOU BLUSHING FOR HUH?????? aku x tau la weh, kalau sekolah menengah dh macam ni, apatah lagi bila di luar.. aku kalau diberanakan lelaki. Memang lagi liar. Aku nasib kawan aku ramai perempuan, kalau kawan aku ramai lelaki lepastu terpengaruh dgn depa. Aaaaaaa hshshsh aku happy. Bukan selalu a girl nk flirt dgn I :)
Ok shit aku geram. Nk tulis kt question tapi satgi takut mengganggu ketenteraman penduduk kt sini. So, aku penatla. Macam mana nk buat? Aku selama ni jadi pendengar so dia x leh nk ubah perangai. Old habit die hard. Aku tunjuk pembetulan aku buat and aku suruh dia cari apa yg tgh berlaku. Aku nk dia terkejut aku buat pembetulan 5 kali. Tapi dia x nampak pun. Dia terus sembang pasal Hal dia. I sounded very childish and I know it. I want to be appreciated je. Tu pun susah AAAAAAA and now teringat dia, my bestie. Although aku syg dia, sometimes I just can't stand her. Like god listen to me too. X kan aku nk dgq pasai. Hg. Seumur. Hidup. Aku???!?! Listen to me as well. Aku nk cerita jugak hidup aku. Aku x nk cakap pasai benda basic cam genshin. Aku stop playing genshin. I can't reused every conversation we had. And pls it's not I want dokja to be my man for real. He's a fiction. Stop making me far from reality. I'm still sane. Don't bring me with you. I want you to listen, that I made cookies but i fail to make them. I want to tell you how's my day in my school. Yes, we are in a different schools so I know it's tough being away from each other. But pls, I don't want to listen abt your man. What about talking abt how's our life after graduated? I remember the time we went to beach. You said there's no topic to talk, I was so eager to tell you abt me but you just go ahead and ask me to ask you abt you. But the conversation before this is abt you too... You don't give a crap abt me. You don't even know my favorite color or what I do as a hobby. I'm trying to you my crochet piece but you don't even say anything. It's okay if it didn't interest you but pls show me some gratitude. I hate myself for asking too much. Yes I act to people like they only have me. The world ending but you have me. It's my fault for being like this. I'm scared people wouldn't befriend me but I made things worst to myself. I get friends, but what do I get for return? Nothing. I gave them my heart but none was returned. I'm empty inside. Wait not that empty since I'm compensate myself with building an inner world exclusively for me. I've never open the door to someone. I'm scared myself for some reason. Do you think if I meet a therapist, what will they do with me? Am I sick? Idk? One thing for sure. I'm lonely, idk how to make friends. Idk how to calm myself. Ok whatever whatever the conclusion is, I hope I will be happy. This is just passing time. It's okay to feel depressed. Bye
I'm happy so I'm gonna share this.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/28981077/chapters/71223834#workskin the first scene
lol
it reminded me of my friend. Ok just a reminder I'm a legit bi. And my friend was being too sussy. It just her nature, that's why I had to brace myself. Here I began. My classmates asked me to take pictures of them. I was hurt because I'm their classmate too, I should be in the picture as well. The way their asked "can you take pictures of my class" I replied with, "your class?" She was taken bad and apologize to me. I guess she did realize I'm too, her classmate. Ok since I was little hurt, I keep saying I don't know how to take a picture even tho Im quite expert at it lol. One of my friend, from another class (maybe she saw me struggle) suddenly help me position the camera. Behind me. LORD I DIDN'T EXPECT HER TO BE ON MY BACK. one of the classmates that I need to take a picture of is a closet gay, I keep thinking what is his reaction lol me and my friend acting too fruity in front of them. I keep blushing (⇀‸↼‶) it was embarrassed but when will this happen again lolol so I enjoy it as much as I could
I guess I have mommy issues. That's what people say to be funny, at least to cope with. I ..... don't hate my mother but she irritated me
benda kecik ja punnnnnnnnnnnn geramnya aku x tau apa masalah dia. Ok aku rasa aku pernah cakap pasai ni before
pasai air ja punnnnnnnnnn dia punya sensitivity tu lain level. Benda kecik bole jadi besar. Dia trigger idk "kesian kt org belakang sama" MASALAHNYA AIR TU X KAN DISENTUH ORG MELUAT GILA YA ALLAH AYAQ TU KALAU AKU X MINUM SAMPAI ESOK PAGI DLM JUG TU YA ALLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AKU TAU AKAN JADI CAMNI AKU MINUMLA SAMPAI HABIS AWAT BODO AAAAAAARGHHH OK I LEARNED MY LESSON. LEPAS ORG HABIS MAKAN, APA SEMUA, DH STEADY LANDING RELAX KT RUANG TAMU AKU MINUMLA AIR DLM JUG. DKLA SAMPAI TAHAP AKU KENA MINUM SENYAP SENYAP SEBAB X MAU KENA CONDEMNED YA ALLAH TERKELUAQ HABIS LOGHAT UTAQA PENAT TAU DK. PASAI AIR JA KOT. BILIK AKU DEPAN DAPUQ JADI AKU BANGUN, KELIAR JA DRI BILIK NAMPAK AIR TEH SEMALAM SEPARUH JUG. GILA X HANGAT AKU MINUM PUN X PA AIR TEH TU... kenapa mak aku nk kena marah. Does she feel unappreciated? Sebab aku x tinggal air sikit? Boleh bancuh lain masalahnya. Aku sampai kena bancuh air sendiri kalau nk minum punya takut kena marah. I feel unwanted? Bukan, x tahu la ayat tu dlm English but something being- aaargh aku x tau la. Sometime I feel like dia x suka aku. Yes parents (except ivf) x boleh pilih anak sendiri. Depa sendiri x tau jantina apatah lagi characteristics. But is it wrong for me to be born? Tuhan bagi aku nyawa. I hate when my mother describe my younger sister "accident" like bruh you did it without care of the world. Ingat aku lupa ka bruh, ada ketika rumahtangga aku ni memang in the brink of shattering. Malam ketiga gaduh, pagi kesempatan baik. Macam bodo. My father may have- ok that's too much. Where's my respect. Macam aku cakap. Benda kecik boleh jadi besar. The way she yelled at me. You think I will just "paham, pahamm" bodolaaa habis rosak moral development aku
it's like the right and wrong lane is blur. I only act on instinct. Susahla nk hidup. And that's it. Penat. One more thing. I'll feel at ease of aku letak penutup dkt luahan aku. If x letak, I feel suffocate sebab there's no ending
Ok um ranting
x perlu pun cakap pasai benda ni but this is so shameful of me. Aku takut gila when aku kena correct something. Cg aku just said why your akaun dlm word lain dlm excel, pening cg. Itu je and why am I this cowardly
takut gila bila buat salah but bila aku send the file kt dia , I was rushing so it could be expected yg banyak aku miss and silap... but A LOT SILAP WTF GILA YES AKU TAKIT CG DISAPPOINTED KT AKU I POTRAY SUCH A BRIGHT ACT SO CG X WONDER WHY AKU GLOOMY WHEN IT COMES TO ACADEMIC. AKU SLOW GILA BAB ACADEMIC. AKU BENCI KENAPA AKU NK ADMIT IM NOT ACADEMIC GIFT LIKE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH WTF DO DIAMLA PLS LAH HG NK BUAT APA LEPAS NI BUATLA X LARANG PUN BUT SKTG NI JUST FOCUS ON THE ACADEMIC
Oh heloooo hehehehe saja nk cerita, harini ayah I bawak kami satu family makan kt satu tempat ala ala hotel punya food
ain't no lie, I was super nervous. Aku ingat ayah aku duk membajet je skrg ni mentangla beras skrg mahal (20/9/23) dia boleh bawak pi situ, I was amazed haha. He went there a few time with his colleagues. Jadi dia nk bawak km pulak. Masuk ii ja dlm tu, waiter tanya ada reservation. Ofc we said x ade. It was awkward but thrilled. Dia tanya brp org. We said 5. Aku ingat dia nk bawak meja 5 kerusi but it had already reserve jadi kami duduk dkt meja lain. It was a long table. Awal tu rasa a bit x tenteram cuz why got a long table and not 5 chair table. Anyway, km nk ambik order gila lambat XD jenoh duk tenung mana menu murah, yg paling murah pun nasi and coke, both 8 buck. Aaaaa cekik drh so mahal. We ended ordering nasi 4 portion, 2 main dish (ayam je paling murah) and beef stew, gila mahal. 5 btg ja coi. 5 btg 22 ringgit x silap
Ok so tgh baca
https://www.mangago.me/read-manga/bad_friend/uu/to_chapter-8/pg-1/ and I gotta say, this is... I've been thinking abt this. Friends to lover is probably my least favorite trope. Cuz idk I want drama.. lol and we'll obviously I have friends but I'm bi... I don't jump to just somebody okay, but if there's a sign surely I'll take it. You could say my schedule is open. And yeah I have a long term friendship and... shit this could happen to me and I can't fantasizing abt it
she was and is the perfect candidate wtf. And friends to lover trope usually circle around messing around a lot and yeah I don't like that. I like it when love interest engaged in the plot, little to less psychical attraction (I love smut, can't deny this but) I still want to enjoy great plot storytelling. Edit: pa bende aku cakap niii
bila x cukup tidur be like
Hi girl, I feel like reporting here. Umm well trial is trial. Ppt is ppt. You did your best. But I gotta say... The willingness is showing. The... Argh susah bila you didn't use English in your daily life. Banyak word aku x tau. Whatever. Anyway I can say... Trial is better. But oh well do so much more for spm yeeee. Back to the topic, seriously aku harap trial ni results ok. Plssssssss sebelum ni aku x pernah jawab full. Yeah dumb decision. Dulu bodo tapi skrg udah sedaq diri. I used to think, kenapa org tulis and hentam walaupun depa x tau betul ka tidak. And now I finally get it. Tulis ja apa pun, it's up to the teacher how they received our answer. Kalau diterima, alhamdulillah, kalau tak. You did well tulis sehabis baik. Doesn't matter tho, keep writing. Even if "merapu" tulis jaaaaa. Nasihat aku satu ja, don't stop writing, keep writing even tho it makes no sense but who knows if teacher kesian and tambah markah? This only apply to soalan yg hg x tau jawapan. Yg tau jawapan, tulis la bagi betul
jgn main - main. Masa depan ni. Honestly idc, shocking right. Aku pun terkejut dgn diri aku, kenapala b.o.d.o. sangat. Sebab mulut cg tu la, habis semangat aku jatuh. I thought grade was everything until she said, x guna pun grade ni. Ke....an. dia cam, all my tension went away but it comes w a great cost, too carefree
kalau aku x dgq cakap dia, I might strive for more rn. Draining myself through studying. It's.... Not okay but that's the only way maintaining a balance grade, yes a balance grade... Nk pass pun payah
what about I just passed away
idk how many times I said this, math memang ke laut. Aku pernah kata kt mak aku, allahu tgh showing off aku dpt D
sebab aku x mau mk aku compared org dgn diri aku. I used to get A and B for math. Dlm hidup x pernah dot C or anything below. Crazy. Serious gila. Aku pikiaq balik, macam mana aku boleh dpt A/B sedangkan banyak org struggle utk pass math. And now aku nk lulus pun susah. As of 2023, the last time I lulus math was two years ago
macam mana nk buat, study my ass off? Yes, that's correct. Tapi mampuka anda? Anyway last one, for anyone f4, pls pls plsssssssss buat leklok periksa akhir tahun cuz they would use that for target spm sebenar. Aku terkejut gila bapak. Kalau aku tau, aku buat sungguh ii pat f4. Tu je. Kalau dpt f belambak then it's your fault.
Have you ever felt devastated that you can't do anything when it's the right timing and you have time plus you're currently free from any trouble. Wtf just what in tf. I hate that I feel scared when I'm being relax. Nothing to do. It feel like the world is cursing me for doing nothing. I feel stressed for not doing anything but I also feel stress when doing something. Yeah we're human after all.
Ok so aku ada buat statement mengatakan "I love...." Pandai ii la cari dkt question. Malu aku. Gilalaaaaaa I was bored and want some attention but the outcome is crazy
apa salahku. What the hell tho, ada reel ke yg said the same thing as me. Gila ngeri. And the repetition of "so" allahhhhh takut
Wanna vent a little. Ok so.... This is a sensitive topic and I couldn't understand. Anyway, about top and bottom... Some people prefer to be bottom and vise versa but I just couldn't understand the people that has pride (not that pride lol) their ego were scratch lolol I mean if there's a hole, there's a goal but just because.... You don't wanna fall down and wanna dominating, you put down your partner... Try resolved this. And btw live is once. Don't you wanna try something new. Lmao sorry I just can't. This been on my mind forever. Fr let your partner do whatever they want to. Let them rule the bed for once. Alright I need to stop. Don't know what's gotten into me. Love win but at what cost... Lol
Never when to pride parade before but hahahahhaah kalau buat dlm my, masuk jail la namanya tantah masuk alam lain.... Tacodddd I keep wonder how will I act there. I'm quiet but if it's something I love, I'd be loud asf. I hope one day when I'm comfortable enough, I want to go to pride parade. Not here ofc lol. Somewhere maybe Thailand lolololol or English speaking country since it will be easier for me. Thailand ok je. I'm on. Selama ni pergi, ok je survive. Note to myself, kalau cuti overseas pergi bulan 6. And jgn dgn family lak. Tapi satu ja.... What will I wear. I seriously x tau. I didn't came out yet and probably never will. I mean why would I endangering myself. But I'm scared what if people took pictures of me and post it online and then org sini nampak. Kecoh satu negara pastu aku x leh balik sini. Ha nayaaaaaa. It's so fucking weird aku cakap dgn sapa x tahula but as long as I can get this voice out from my head. I'd do anything.
Damn some people are inconsiderate. What in the world beyond the heaven, deep down in hell.... Ok so x nk mentioned cerita mana but instead of wishing the best for them... You nk sambungan cerita????!?!? Wtf la weh. Gila. Hatiku koyak. Apa nk jadi dgn humanity ni. Haha apala aku cakap. Kt sini semua jenis makhluk ada. Ok stop before someone finds this .
Hi another day another rant. I hate someone that made me cry. I'm the type that rarely cry and I don't really show me expression. You don't really know if I was joking or serious lol. It's complicated. And fuck you to the one that make me cry. Even if I was hurt, I brush it off. It was just a speck of dust, no need to worry. But if I cry.... The reason why I cry is I can't bottled up it any further. Fuck you. You think making me cry is a good thing? Making me hurting is a good thing? For your own ego crap? So you break my heart so yours could keep intact? Fuck you. Sampai hati hg, buat aku macam ni. So hg boleh teriak. Tapi aku x boleh? So hg boleh sakiti org lain, tapi diri hg x boleh? What kind of mindset is that? Nonsense gila bapak. Also kenapa snap dkt aku? Aku ni moral support ka?? Sebab tu aku kurang dgn hampa. Kawan aku yg lain behave elok walaupun bukan tau pun apa yg tersirat kt dlm. They might hate me tapi depa x tunjuk. Yg you? Tunjuk depan ii buat apa? Simpan sudahla sekalipun benci aku. Jgn balas. Allah x suka. Aku pun x balas. Worst case scenario kena halau rumah. Haha sebab apa, abg aku yg teruk pun masih duk dlm rumah yg sama. Apa la sngt. As I said, worst case scenario kena halau rumah. Me, getting sold off to marriage?? Haha ingat aku takut ka, you pun x sanggup ada madu ada hati nk bagi aku bernikah. Penakut piang, harap guna ayat power. The characteristics of beta lol. Yg aku x paham, this morning we went by... Like normal. Aku biasala pagi x dk mood but I never snap at people. Yg pelikkkkkkknya aku x buat apa pun kt.... So why? What did do wrong? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? Why suddenly snap at me. Just because I spilled a biscuit? I'm sorry, I didn't see that it already opened. I thought masih tertutup and x bukak lagi so I pegang bahagian bawah. But just because what I did, do I deserve to get snap at? Apa salahku? Masuk habis bab masa depan. And when did I said "___ pun sama" I didn't say anything like that. You just misheard it. Why did you snap? What triggers you? Apa yg aku buat sampai kena marah betubi tubi? Kena marah sudahla. Stopla. Aku cakap aku sorry. I didn't mean to jatuhkan. Tapi tu ja kot. Bukan maruah hg yg jatuh. In conclusion. I kutip biscuits tu and letak balik, duduk dkt kusyen and cry. I can't let dia see me so I went to my room. It was... Hideous. I haven't cry for so long and I thought I could get a good cry but nope. I stop my crying. Well I hate that side of me. Just cry, alright? You can cry too. Cry isn't for the weak. It's a sign of strength. You have face so many hardship. You're ok. Oh lupa nk mentioned, dia hate when I go out with my friends. Treat my friends better than them. I'm sorry for your emotional unavailable? What am I gonna do when we're this dry with each other? Thank God I'm surrounded by good people. I have empathy unlike you guys.
Ok so hi? Umm it's been a few months since I last wrote anything here. Crazy how chaotic life is. I usually turn to here if anything significant or something that make me wanna unalived myself.... Ok so I wish someone would illustrated this tho "being a child is like scarring yourself, and someone make you laugh just to forget the pain. Once they left, the pain stay and you confused on how you should process the pain bcs you don't know what pain is. You feel pain but at the same time, you don't bcs you don't know pain. My heart feels like being ripped apart but I never have the moment to fully grasp what's it's like. Idk how to treat this pain. Help me. I don't want to live in this house." ...damn girl. I think through everything, but my emotions takes over me.
Hi nk complain ni, the audacity of g*ogle
bukan google tapi org yg buat blog tu *roll eyes*
"What is the Malay name for okra?
The Chinese okra or "petola" in Malay, is a popular vegetable for soup or stir fry. This plant belongs to the family Cucurbitaceae. The species epithet means 'with sharp ridges', which is referring to the fruit's distinctive ridges (Anon., 2019)"
Girl what the hell? Bendi depa translate dpt petola??!?!?!! Ni nk marah ni, bendi is not petola. Lost in translation they say
aku suka bendi nk mampus to the point of almost changing my username to one lol okra sounds so delicious tho hehe
Today is one of the best day of my life (18/12/23)
Ok so hi lamanya x tulis kt sini, harini (12/1/24) ok so just nk cakap. BODOHNYA SOMEONE CAN BE??!?!?! IM TALKING ABOUT MCD TUTUP WHICH IS A GOOD THING. I saw this one tweet and macam nk sumbat belacan ja ya allah. Mat tu boleh kata like what about those unemployed? Bro WTF? dia cakap bila MCD tutup, diorang ni dh x de keja. I'd be very happy if I was one of the worker. Ko sanggup tgk sorang menderita sebab x dk duit than berpuluh ribu, x lama juta manusia kt Gaza mati free. Bodohnya. Aku pun pernah terpikir, what about those workers financial, tapi apalah beza dgn pahala yg kita dpt walaupun sekecil zarah pertolongan yg kita bagi/buat. Even the thought count. #freepalestine #fromtherivertothesea #savegaza #ceasefire ....aku akan paling happy when puak Zionist mampus. Just a reminder not all Israelis a Zionist. Even ada yg pro-palestine. Buta kare kena tembak. Not all Judaism think the same. Listen, in Palestine there isn't just Muslim there. I remember seeing a church getting bomb there. They just want to take the land by killing it's people. Never stop talking about Palestine. They only have us as their sword, their eyes, their ears. ....noury
I thought the situation would get better but none. I- life is so unfair.
I hope no one find this, I'm about to write pure bs. And suicidal note I guess. I'm 18 this year, no longer a minor. One of the factor contributed to this shit. Aku rasa macam nk mati. This feeling is temporary, I know. I'm battling without even knowing the rewards. Spm bertulis lagi 2 minggu. Aku gaduh dgn bapak aku, first time in this lifetime. Aku rasa macam nk hilangkan diri. X nk hilangkan diri. Nk hilang terus dari muka bumi so aku x yah pikir apa dh. Aku nk mati, aku even about nk call the suicidal helpline... Aku dh calmed down, finding someone to liah actually help a lot tapi tu la I don't have anyone to talk to. I have one friend claim she's depressed. I'm too depressed but I don't want to be a fucking burden and tell anyone else I have depression. Atp idgaf. It's not like I lost hope, but there's no longer hope here. I'm just existing. Idgaf abt my exam. My biggest exam.... Rasa cam nk coma pastu sedaq right after spm. Everybody gonna be like, omg is ____ alright? Wahhh so you just know a depressed person is an attention seeker??! Congratulations babe I'm so proud of you !! Everyone needs attention. Lebih teruk bila you middle child. Fucking bs. Aku geram drpd tadi, bapak aku duk buat perangai. "This is parents first life too" pure bs. Don't have kids if you aren't ready. "Generational trauma" don't pull that bs at us. Stop at you guys. I swear I'm gonna break this fucking burdened chain. Idc if I'm having my child at 30, I will when I'm ready.
Fucking hell. Why did I have such mother? What did I do wrong? Is it wrong to act spoiled? Is it wrong for me to try strengthen bonds between us family? Is it wrong for me to asking for help? From my mother? Out of any person on earth? And you wonder, why's my child like this.. bruh I'm envy those children that have such close bonds w their family. Rasa cam nk mati tau x. Aku dr kecik jenis yg x meminta sebab tau family susah. But the me rn bukan meminta duit, but kasih sayang
kasih sayang pun perlukan duit ke? Like I know my mom routine. She said "apa yg buat hg stress" aku pun, apa yg dia stress sngt. Stressed dgn aku? Stressed dgn family ni? Geram aku, like if you're so stressed out in this family, with your husband. Divorce baby divorce. We rob your youth? Fucking hell, you're the one that decided to get married and have a fucking kids. Same goes to my father, an unavailable emotional support :D he was there, existing. Ok... I got carried away. Nk cakap yg, I know there's no one teaching my mother on how to live but is it wrong if she teach me one and bits... I'm not even desperate, it just me showing love
I'm the kind to ask you lots of questions if I love someone. I'm not even a chattie. I just choose to be loud around people I love.. why is it that hard for you to understand. You say shit like "I understand my child the best" no, you fucking not. I hate to say the "h-word" lmao (I just did). Am I that desperate? It my mother. Not a fucking other person.... I hate life.
Lollllllll I open this website so that I could rant and someone reply to me and made my day ;) I'm so happy that I forgot why I came here in the first place lol here's the link
https://www.mangago.me/home/mangatopic/15443918/#respond for my future use lmao if I have a bad day
Ok so hmm I want to voice my opinion, (I know semua org nampak but why I'm feeling embarrassed) I want to come out to my gay classmate... Wait let me just insert the link cuz it's too long to explain
https://www.mangago.me/home/mangatopic/14324910/ ok so I saw this one post on Reddit and the admin said to write my concern and that's what I'm doing rn!! Ok
1. I'm scared we would have different opinions about queers.
2. I'm scared he would be weird out bcs of his leaked twt, he do post thirst trap there lmao but still UP13 LOL
3. I'll just said this, I read porn. Well novel and comic form. The one with human realistic body... I don't really? But still sometimes if I'm on bad mood, I'll watch some lesbian fucked so that I could feel envy and crushed down doomly
4. This... I'm afab, although genderfluid most of the time. I love my femininity side. And well idk about him, but on the front. He's a cis. And I do still clung onto my faith... Life's suck asf idk what to do.
5. I'm the type to keep up about queers news, and yeah I'm pretty knowledgeable myself lmao. But the thing is, if I show to him that I'm 100%... Omg internalized homophobia is bad
I still can't get that out of me. I need to get out asap from this toxic house and communities..
6. I don't mind being asked but what if he doesn't believe me?
7. What if... Honestly I just want to be his friend. So badly I could die. It's like wanting that lollipop bcs there's only one in million candy. He's... I would say special bcs I never knew any queers personally. I have friends that claim "they're bisexual but that was a phase" bruh idk anymore
I can see myself healing, more sane compared to me previous years. I want to go into psychology course. I still don't know where to applied. May god have mercy and show me his way. I heard from reddit user, there's 3 kind of people that applied to psychology. 1. The one with the problem 2. The one that were curious 3. Idunno don't remember.. lol the first one, the user said we're most likely to dropout bcs being into psychology doesn't necessarily mean, your problem *poofed* disappear. I used to belong in the first category lmao self diagnosis. But now I guess I could think more clearly, more rationally, I can use both my heart and head to make solution. ...ok that's it I'm too lazy to continue byebye brb after meeting my baby xie lian.
Ok so hi? I think I haven't written for one month. Alright let's continue, my mom.... When will my mummy issues solved
it's nothing serious but my mother suddenly goes into fucking badmood. The story went by... I finished highschool. (Yay!) And I have 3 months left with nothing better to do. And it's currently Ramadan, I thought why not work, right? And I found a good job (yes, good job me) pay salary a bit tooooooooo well for the unemployed student me. The work required me from 3pm until 7pm. I'm free in the morning and the late night. The job is fine, with the salary I get. I can't complain. The thing is, my mum got angry, well badmood bcs I don't want to wrap my younger sister's school book. I said, (hear my reasoning) in my school day, I never really wrap my book and teacher doesn't get angry about it and I'd wrap them when it's near end of school year. I told my mother that, and she said, I don't want to listen to her?!?!!
She's still in a badmood even tho it's been hours. I fucking legitly don't understand and her badmood is contagious and now I'm in a badmood. What did I do wrong? Is it because I didn't tell her I'd the wrapping later but not now? She doesn't get my reasoning? It's not that I don't want to listen to her, I just don't want to wrap that shit by manual. I told her to buy the ready wrap one. And no, we weren't poor. The ready wrap is cheaper than the manual wrap
I don't understand my mom
The world deserve to know this fact, I'm learning hangul!!!!! Ok I have so much fun but I can't really differentiate the ae/e/eo
also the u/o like girlie it's just upside down T... I still have a lot to learn but if my basic were like this. But then I just learn for a few days, and I guess this is huge improvement already
Just told my close friend secrets I've been hiding from her and wtf for all this time, I suffer from not telling her and now when I told her, it doesn't even fazed me like seriously wtf. I feel okay? I feel empty? I don't feel sad at all.
HIIIIII FUCK YEAH HELOOOOO BITCH AS A PROUD BI LIVING IN CLOSET I CAME OUT TO THIS ONE PERSON AND GODDAMN SHE'S PAN AND BRUHHHHH WE OPENLY FLIRT LIKE WHAT?!? OH MY GOD I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. GODDAMN "I meaaan... I can take you any day" GIRL EHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOU WANT ME? FUCK! GOD! I WANT YOU TOO! but considering our position. I'm scared ....I'd pass this golden opportunity
bodo weh teringgin ada nk ada gepren gak but I'm the type to get serious so x nk la
plus I just met her for like one month... X kenal sngt pun. I don't mind actually but it's just the.... Consequences
bro x leh.
Edit: she really did confess to you, ada aku tulis kt bawah but x sangka secepat 2 bulan
I know the possibility of she liking me. tgkla ingat flirt saja ii but sungguh... Serious naur. And aku reject dia... "I'd pass this golden opportunity" how did in the fuck I predicted this?
Helo ummm ok so let's be frank, nk malu ii apa. Aku like this one my actor, I won't say the name lmao hmm let's use capital cuz lowercase lame. Anyway, DIA POST DKT REEL YG DIA CARI BINI?!?!! I USED TO LIKE HIM SINCE CHILDHOOD AND OMG THIS OPPORTUNITY IS QUITE HARD TO COME BY?! TEMPTING GILA BAPAK RASA CAM NK DM DIA SIAL. TAPI INGAT DIRI TU MUDA
HE'S IN HIS 40th BRUH TOO OLD FOR ME BUT HE LOOK YOUTHFUL ASF COULD PASS AS TEENAGER IM GUARANTEE. BRO MINAT DIA DARI KECIK SIOT WEH AKU RASA BERDEBAR LAIN MACAM. HE'S NOT THE DILF. HE DOESN'T GIVE THAT VIBE, HE'S LIKE HE CAN'T HELP HIMSELF AGING BUT HE'S SO OMG GENZ?!? HE WOULD FIT IN GENZ, NAH HE'S GENZ. AAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT DO I DO IM SO DELUSIONAL RN AFTER READING SO MANY AGE GAP STORY
DON'T DO THIS TO ME. HE'S DO HANDSOME ALTHOUGH ALMOST THE SAME AGE AS NY FATHER
ALSO DIA X DK ANAK. WHAT THE FUCK NO STOP WITH THE HINTS. IT'S NOT THAT I WANT TO GAHDKSKAKSJJDJAJA BUT I MEAN IF HE HAVE CHILD, THE CHILD WOULD PROBABLY THE SAME AGE AS ME TF. OH MY GODDDDDD IM SO TEMPTING. LET ME REPEAT THIS, HE'S NOT A DILF BUT HE CAN'T HELP BUT MAINTAINING HIS YOUTHFUL. BRO LOOKS TOO PRETTY BEAUTIFUL. HE LOOKS SUPER MAJESTIC. HIS FEATURES?!? HELLO?!? HE WAS BORN WITH THE BEAUTY. OMG I WONDER HOW HIS CHILD WOULD LOOK LIKE in the future, if he have one. Ok so he's REALLY MY TYPE. I REPEAT I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF HIM. SINCE CHILDHOOD, IN MY EYES HE LOOKS DIVINE. THAT FAIR PALE SKIN OH MY GOD. ok... I should stop. Just wanna say, he's too good for me but I hope one day he find the one and no. Young one shouldn't date someone over half their age
I never fall in love. I wish I know how it feels. Did I dull my feelings bcs I read to much love story? I want to express my love too? I know how platonic love work. But I want the romantic. I might be ARO but we all grow over time so I guess I just have to wait.
Oh boi, it's been estimated 48 days since I last pick up yaoi
I want to read bl story with smut but nothing pique my interest. I want to see the light saber which I already am but WITH. THE. PLOT.
I want to die rn. Idk what happened. I have the memory of a goldfish. Idunno why I suddenly wanted to die. Ok fuck people be reading this shit. Imma be clear. I hate myself. I hate me. Although I put up front I love myself. I do love myself but I don't feel that rn. I love my body. I'd never harm my body. That's for sure but I want to die rn. No. I just want to get out from this house. I feel suffocating. I want to die. I want to erase my name from people's memory. Don't remember me. I'm no one. I'm nothing. I just want to reborn as something other than human. In my religion, we don't have that except the day of judgement. I'm a believer. I have faith but still, I wish. Killing yourself is a sin. You commit murder even tho it's upon yourself. Let's kill. Fuck I can't say that. I wish nothing but peace. I want to live. I want to be happy. I have feeling like I have to die. I hate how I feel rn. I hate that I need to justify my own reasons. I hate how people can't stop talking shit. I hate how my mother think she knows me best. No. She's not. I know nothing about her so how you'll know about me. Alright fuck. I don't feel like dying but I want to go somewhere far. This better than death. I got mummy issues. You got any problem? I guess that's why I love women. I want someone that can be there for me. I want someone that doesn't scream at me. I want someone to comfort me. Idc about sex, we can think about it later. I need someone... To care about me. I need someone to love me. I love my life thinking if I show kindness, they would repay me with the same kindness but life is not about receiving. I don't know myself, don't ask me. I have a bias but I don't think my bias as my savior. Tf those people thinking. They only think about themselves. Asking for a cure for a depression?! Gurl your bias is probably depressed too. Alright again I'm switching off. Bye.
I never thought I'd hate my father yapping
I have two things to speak about. I hope x lupa la. Alright first. Fuck aku lupa dh. Ahhh right ingat dh tesl and friend wedding. Just wanna tell you 240506 the date you took tesl first test, you don't know yet whether you got the second test. Okay might update later tomorrow. Second, fuck. I don't have any energy but let me just talk whtvr. My friend's cousin just got married and I kinda became the flower girl (helping her family around) and somehow the bride's family... Aku cakap melayu dh la
kawan aku cakap "hg perasan x *insert nama*?" Aku cam x? Rupa rupanya dia family belah pengantin perempuan. Which means *insert nama* (my ex bff) dgn my friend (dulu rapat skrg x dh) berkait rapat
sounds crazy. Also aku pernah gaduh dgn diri sendiri sampai benci diri sendiri disebabkan depa duarang. X tau nk pilih sapa sebab dulu depa kelas lain ii and me being on the different kelas so x clash dgn depa and I can be a good friend until they became classmate and me in another class. It's not about them becoming bff bcs idk but me acting like a fool bcs I can't choose who simultaneously. I never revealed to them that I befriend two of them. Alright shut down
Wehhh
dpt second test tesl which is iv. Tapi my online friend yg ambik tesl said dia nk check sesama dgn aku but I saw her twt posting SpongeBob smiling but venting out dissatisfied in the back
three hours ago. She still didn't read my chat yet, I... Idk I feel like she ignores me bcs she didn't passed. I mean why would she post that SpongeBob meme then? Idunno what to do rn
I feel so bad what if she didn't get it, what if I'm just overthinking. What if she hate me. What if- I know shit alright. We were hyping eo yesterday and around afternoon today. But omg why
Idk I want to reach out to her but im scared. It's seems like I pushed her around. I mean we kinda made a promise to tell eo exactly 2:30pm
edit: SHE SLEEEPT. I WAS SO WORRIED LMFAOOOOO she said she cried to sleep.
Writing so that I won't forget. Fuck. The reason why I feel so trouble, uneasy whenever I go out is bcs of aku rasa my family bagi x bagi. Also wtf kenapa aku kena hukun sebab aku keluar? Macam bodoh. Keluar rumah pi keja x pa, kalau keluar rumah seronok. Balik tu memang kena "aku stress balik keja penat" bodo, aku pun penat. Masalahnya aku x penat pun, aku burnout layan karenah. Lepastu kan duk compared dia x dk kawan. Pastu aku nk buat apa sial. Buang kawan aku jugak supaya kami fair? Bodoh
I have inferiority complex
bitch I can't see someone better than me with something I'm proud of...
I have no talent shit and that's the only thing I know what to do...
Today's the day 240527 I received my exam result. Ngl I was pretty upset but not that upset bcs I think I play a lot. So yeah I got what I deserve. Anyway I kinda got "hypothetically" confess by an oomf. It's cute asf but this is my first time getting confess so idk what to do. The obstacles are I'm bi but I hate to say this, I'm a believer
I love women so much but still I have my faith
I don't want to make sins but I love women. I want to fuck woman. I want to plan out my future with her. I want to raise children together with her. I want to grow old together with her. I want to love her as she love me as well. I want her. I might get disown by my parents, society but god saw me, saw my sins. I believe we may love whoever we want but I still don't know about loving same sex.... Shibal. The thing is, I got confess by a girl. I want her as much as she wants me. But I still didn't give her my answer. I'm sorry H, idk but in ten minutes I have to answer her
should I ignore her? Alright kinda my fault since I always flirting with her. Shitttttttt I shouldn't have done that. I love her tho, not romantically but it's nice to have a queer companion. Oh god did I just friend zone her
Update: I reject her... I feel so bad. I want to experience love too. I've been trying so hard to not date anyone
I want to date but not in my country
I'm scared people would find out. I'm scared. IM SO SCARED. I DON'T HAVE ANY REPUTATION BUT STILL I WANT TO MAINTAN MY DIGNITY. IM THE TYPE TO BOAST ANYTHING ABOUT ME. AND OMG ABSOLUTELY CAN'T LET PEOPLE KNOW I DATE A GIRL. SOMETIMES MY MOUTH SLIP SAYING LIKE BEIDOU IS MY WIFE INFRONT OF MY CONSERVATIVE FRIENDS. I can date in secret but it's not the same
H I'm so sorry, I like you too tho I don't think it's romantically, maybe platonic but if it's you I don't mind sharing a lifetime with you. GIRLLLLLLL I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM FEELING BUT IF I SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO PEOPLE, NO MAYBE IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME I'D THINK THAT'S LOVE.
SHE ASKED ME WHAT IF AN OOMF CONFESS TO ME. SHE WAS TRYING HER LUCK. IM A BAD PERSON FOR TOYING WITH HER FEELING.
Update 2: it's been 4 days, we... No me. Well I guess we went to how we were before again (YASSSSSSS I MISS IT) and I kinda realize. People don't really send love emoji often
I might the only one (some people do that out of habit) ...it's not my wish to mislead her but I just happened to chat that way. Everything needs love in their life lol. It's so weird lolol but I love being weird. I still have nightmare about that day, my first time rejecting... I feel so bad but it's the right decision to me. Even if she cried, bcs of me...
Update 3: I almost gave away today... Plsssssss I'm trying to trick my mind, I don't love her. I like her actually but it's not the same. Sometimes yk when someone like you... You feel special
dtgla deluluness tu. But I jealous time dia ckp pasai crush dia like wdym your crush text you back?!?! Pls that's not love, I just want her all to myself. Plssssss kenapa la aku babi sngt. IDKKKKKKKKK PLS IDK WHAT TO DO IN THIA LIFETIME. AKU RASA SAMPAI KE TUA SINGLE BUT REMEMBER THE ONE AND ONLY TAPI WHYYYYY I WAS BORN THIS WAY? AKU BENCI THE EXPERTS, TERLALU BANYAK "sial" SAMPAI AKU TERIKUT SIAL
Update 4: aku kinda confess kt dia semalam.... 240603 Pastu sakit gigi bangun 3 pagi, dia still x balas. Dia reply pukul 3 ptg camtu. Katanya baru bangun tidur and she said something like dia x nk aku rasa sympathy or guilty and she would accept me if I okay. THAT HIT THE DEEP SPOT. I REALIZED IM NOT SUIT FOR HER. I WANT HER BUT NOT LOVE HER. I DO GIVE MY ALL SINCE WE TEND TO FLIRT ALL THE FUCKIN TIME. IM HAPPY WHEN SHE'S HAPPY. KEKADANG BODOH APA YG AKU X PAHAM II. IDK ABOUT MY FEELING, MUNGKIN AKU PIKIR AKU AKAN JUMPA ORG BARU. MUNGKIN AKU PIKIR I DON'T LOVE HER THE SAME WAY AND DIA AKAN SENGSARA SEBAB I WON'T GIVE 100% OF MY HEART TO HER. OK DH SETEL. I take back what I said to her. <sampah masyarakat< she said "it's okay, rejection is a rejection" I said pulak, "idk how to face you. I jenis yg suka flirt and I don't want to make you miserable." AKU YG JENIS PANGGIL ORG SAYANG, BABE, SWEETIE. BODOOOOO BUT IT FEEL NATURAL TO ME TO CALL PEOPLE THAT. she said we could still be friends, I'm super glad ngl but what about dia.... Dia yg ada hati kt aku but dia jugak yg rela hati
BODOLA DIA SUKA AKU, I PAHAM THE FEELING TO KEEP SOMEONE YOU LIKE CLOSE BUT X SAKIT HATI KA H? PLSSSSSS and we back to being friends. It was a legit rollercoaster with her. kenal dia time habis spm aka one week before posa start. I decided maybe kawan ja la. Dating is too much to me. I don't get what is "dating" to tell the truth. Isn't the end goal is marriage? Or being with eo until the very end if not marriage. Being tied in a relationship? I grow up in a conservative place. I just so glad... If not I'd become like those wild... Cakap kt org, sedaq diri sendiri. Duduk sini pun dh liaq, tambah lagi kalau duduk kt tempat liaq. Bukan liaq tapi jadi binatang buas. Aku nampakla. It feels so nice getting to past again. Pls don't confess to me. I just want to enjoy life.
Update 5: aku memang fuck, dh tolak org tapi masih menggatai. Tgk ni.
[6/3, 17:46] hana: Nk panggil syg, babe, baby kt h
[6/3, 19:34] H: Btw Hana srs question is it ok if I call u by these too?
[6/3, 19:39] hana: Yessssssss but are you okay? I blushing githew ii je but H lah
[6/3, 19:40] H: Gurlllll I think u need more help than me rn lololol
[6/3, 19:40] hana: No.
Aku nk mati, aku decided x nk dia, pls that's not love I'm just happy someone want me.
As I said before, my teeth hurt. Turned out it was the wisdom tooth trying to see the light. IT WAS SO FUCKIN DAMN HURT TIME PAGI BUTA but skrg okay dh but I still feel uneasy. Esok hoping aku boleh bawak keluar lah Gigi x guna tu.. esok update lain hshshsh.
Edit: x-ray je. X cabut pun... Swasta cabut kena rm600 each gigi... gila bapak better aku bayar hutang lesen keta aku sampai clear dulu. I'm just a broke person living in the countryside aka Paddy/bendang girlie. Gigi wisdom dua ii belah senget cam nk tidur... Wait they're like mayat hidup yk lolol, dh dikebumikan masih nk keluar drpd coffin ifykyk. I guess tunggu bulan 7 ni, aku buat appointment dgn klinik kerajaan. Bapak punya lama. Gigi aku ni bukan boleh tunggu sat. Nk buang dua ii kalau boleh. Geram. Idc about the after effects. Aku x kisah sengsara. Aku nk buat skrg so that nanti besaq x kacau aku dh. Gila bygkan tgh musim exam tetiba Gigi buat hal. I cannot bruh. Tapi tu la duit, can't someone just donated me 1k... I'm desperate rn.
Edit2: Gigi dh x sakit but nanti appointment
Hahahaha period bodo, hormones bodo. Memang fuck gila jadi perempuan yg ada uterus. Aku benci sudden burst of hormones. Aku jadi overthinking, depressed, anxiety semua ada. Part paling x leh blah. Aku nk block kawan aku. Member may did something embarrassing but i don't think sampai tahap kena block. Aku rasa cam nk korek perut ni biaq ada rangka ja. Geram. Rn emosi dh stabil. Thanked to the god I survived this malapetaka. This period of time (no pun intended) ada character baru dlm chapter hidupku, jadi rutin a mess ler. For the past two years l, period rutin sama. Gaduh dgn parents setiap hari so tetiba hormones buat hal, I know what to do. Aku syg kawan ii aku so kalau tetiba gaduh tu, I know deep down tu just period talking. Period ni memang bodo. Yes, period ada kegunaan. To prepare my body..... Bodo aku x mintak pun tapi apakah daya, itu takdir aku. H ko memang lucky aku x minta surat cerai. Aku banyak kali, hampir nk text "don't chat me anymore" member ok ja tapi kepala hotak ni. Aishhhh aku lagi seminggu nk keluar period but kenapa skrg yg tgh merasa. This mean, dua minggu aku kena seksa. First week seksa mentally. Second week seksa psychically. ...ok bye esok keja. Kena hadap majikan pulak.
Ok hi lol, hmm aku tertanya ii lah kan. How can you be gay while religious? Serious x paham. Aku jahil camna pun aku tetap ingat dia yg satu. But why I feel this way? Why I was born this way? Dugaan aku? Suruh pilih jalan yg benar? Lorong yg betul? I can't be with V... Hanyalah D, d hatimu... (Nah 2 kupang, tolong gelak) Sedih. Idk. Like which should I sacrifice? Bodoh. Dh tau jawapan tanya lagi. But my desire... Alright. Alright. Alrighttttttttt. I decided not to do it. But I still may appreciate it. Kalau tetiba muncul crush, yes I'd still like her but never commit to it. Bruh nope, even if she makes the first move.... I experienced it once in my lifetime. Didn't go well. Fuck that girl, you made my life suffer but I still wish to go back to the past. ༼;´༎ ༎༽ to meet you, befriend you, make the right approach so we don't do that again. I don't regret it lol but I know you do. I went through the 5 stage of grief haha. Oh my god, nk cakap benda lain tercakap pasai benda lain. The one that I rejected, we still kept in contact. Although I no longer the first to chat. Bruh kalau boleh nk menghilang terus. Kk she, solat. Ok that's it. She went to sekolah agama. I'm not trying to open her aib, bcs she's literally like me. Aku pun dulu masuk kelas agama. Tapi keluar jadi dua hala. Ishhhhhhhhh just confused, why would she make the first move? I thought she's religious. X takut ke? Kalau ada yg terbaca sampai sini. Pls think with me. Why would she do that? Ah wait, she told me she fully expecting me to reject her. Ok babe you do you.
*********s Are Racists. (Divided by race, united by racism) Lollll ifykyk, saja nk censor. I happened to watch some video on x, three main races involved. The two using broken bm while uncle ok mari beat tf out that drunkard yg x berapa gentleman
we have witnessed lol kitty yg comel.
I love to rant. I love talking. But what can I do, tiada manusia yg berupaya untuk rank sama level dgn aku... Semua ada live sendiri. Aku pun sama. Buzy memanjang but baca kt sini x leh skip
Pov:you have nothing to say but still wanting to write something. So here, abc123 ah wait I have something to say. Life is boring. Nk pergi overseas where no one knows me and x nk kena viral. I want to be open but the chance of getting viral is high. Aku nk gi club
but what if one day kantoi. Aku nk pakai cosplay, but x nk any contact realized that's me. Nk belajar overseas, nk tinggal negara ni, nk tinggal my family. I do love my family but I'd never reveal to them this side of me. X phm yg freehair. Like how?! How did you guys decide that it's okay?!? Aku tau korang pun takut hari judgement tapi why? Family x marah ke? Damn iman aku, naik turun, naik turun. Skrg ni baru lepas sekolah tu yg rasa bebas. But not fully bebas sebab still living with parents. Aku agak takut the day I step out from this house volunteering. Not that I get disown or something. I mean like I had to live somewhere far. Uni jauh ka. I'm so scared. Aku akan lupa dunia. Musykil nanti. Aku takut aku freehair, wear revealing clothes. It's all desire at this point. Takut main cucuk ja nanti. Just wanna say, I'm happy I'm born in this community. I know for sure if I was born somewhere out of reach from my community. Memang auto jahil aku ni.
Remember the girl that I rejected? Lately it's been hard for me to text her. I just don't understand? Why keep me close? Aku jadi semak. Yg aku suruh dia pergi wish kt aku 2 Kali sehari pasaipa tah
for the past 2day, ya allah tenang gila dia x chat. But still rasa gelisah why dia tiber. And well this morning she said, she's a mess and I took this opportunity to say, I don't want to continue this wishing wishy. Instead of saying I'm annoyed. I said I'm having a bad day
sorry girlie, you did nothing wrong but I don't want to have any contact with you any longer
I didn't cut ties but the goodnight/morning wish is the only thing that keep us connect. Yeah I cut that connection. I'm so happy. I no longer have more thing to think about. Everything is a mess lately. I don't want to die duh. Life is short so why makes it even shorter? It's just a hmmm an event in your life. Kejap jer benda tu nk berlaku. Tapi kalau connection sampai mati terikat unless something happens. Ok tu ja, bubbye
I saw someone letter of devotion towards xie lian today during yapping session. Honestly it was admirable. To be obsessed with something to the point your sole reason of living is him. I want to reply but I'm scared of getting backlash lol. What if I said something wrong. Thankfully I didn't
were about to comment, "is this hua cheng leak acc lolol" but then, they started describing how *sekian sekian* hua cheng is and I kinda see the point tho. I'm still stuck at book 3 tgcf so I don't know anything. I don't have anyone I'm obsessed with, *dokja and venti peeping from the corner* alright ii, venti you're out since you're cute and I don't want to bring useless harm to you. The only character I feel related to the most is probably dokja. He's so me. Sometimes I feel distance between us, sometimes I feel I became him. As if I'm dokja himself. Ykw imma shut up and eat quietly
I'm too lazy so imma just pasted here:
Thailand finally legalize same-sex marriage and became the first in southeast Asia to do so... I should be happy but why am I having a dilemma IDK THE THOUGHT OF COMING OUT SCARED TF OUT OF ME. BRUH I KNOW FOR SURE SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD GO HERE WHICH MEAN THERE'S A HIGH CHANCE OF ME BEING DISCOVER. THE THING IS, MORE PEOPLE WOULD GATHER, AND WELL MORE OPPRESSION WILL HAPPENED. I DON'T WANT THAT BEING CLOSET SURE TRAUMATIZED ME, IDK WHAT I WANT. SURE MARRYING A GIRL WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE DRASTICALLY BUT... IT FEEL WEIRD NOW THAT IT'S BEING LEGAL. I CAN FLEW TO AMERICA WHENEVER I WANT TO BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT. ME IN TEN YEARS WOULD LAUGH AT THE CURRENT ME BUT BITCH LISTEN IDK WHAT TO DO RN. I GREW UP IN CONSERVATIVE HOME BRUH THIS IS SCARY THAN GETTING MY CAR LICENSE. OH MY GOD, HEADACHE GO TF AWAY. is this fr? This feels so weird. I can get married? I'm a young adult trying to survive in this economy and well a queer so I never thought of getting married. This feel too weird to be true. I thought I'd just marry whoever my parents arrange for me. I already gave up on the thought of marriage lol also wtf
Harini results matriks keluar and well aku x dpt. Aku agak sedih sebab aku overconfident kononnya dpt tapi sembang kote cakap kalau dpt x mau pi. Most of my friends got accepted and well me, none. X dpt langsung any tawaran. I feel so fucking hopeless rn. I want to k.o. myself so bad. I might experienced shame rn but I know for sure I'd feel this way forever. My thoughts ran faster than my finger could started typing. Fuck myself. I hate account. I don't want to continue learning account. What's so great about account... (Account is great y'all, I'm just too lazy to be better at account, without account, our finances might go down) But SHIBAL AS I SAID MOST OF MY FRIENDS GOT ACCEPTED SO I WERE LEFT ALONE. BODOH
Met my hs classmate lol yep he's the gay one I talked about previously. He's working as a cashier and ngl it was so fucking awkward. Usually we'd chatting. I went there with my father. It feels weird. Normally, you don't really introduce your male friend to your conservative family but I did that and now both of us in a great danger. Omg thank god I didn't tell my father his name. His name is R lol and yes my family used to tease me saying my elementary crush name and that's the same person
that R guy. He's gay but what can I do. I knew he is gay since I was a legit kid. But I was attracted to his gentleness... Can't believe I tried to be appealing to him
but it's easier talking to him
a man that is not a threat. I promise to tell him something after graduating but I didn't tell him yet. Idk when. When is the right time? I want to tell him, his Tweets got leaked and everyone in hs knows he's gay. I also want to tell him that I'm bi. We're close but not that close. Idk he's the only male irl friend I consider a friend
online friend is different since their personalities outshine their self-identity.
I know I said idgaf about her... Did I? I know this is just temporary, shit is scary when she didn't text me first. I made up my mind I don't want to chat her anymore. Fuck you and yes I'm ignoring you. It's okay. I'll feel like this for a few days and then I'll slowly get back to my usual routine. I love my 3 close friends that I only talk occasionally
I truly don't have the energy to chat people 24/7. It's like I'm out of routine and I don't like that. And I have a great new, I'm going to sambung form 6 if I didn't get accepted into upu. YES FUCK YES, FUCK MY BOSS YOU MADE ME SUFFER BY SHUTTING MY MOUTH. YOUR MOUTH IS QUITE FOUL YK?!
I realized I never talk about my identity here. No longer in identity crisis but I guess in the future I might. Alright so I guess I'm gender fluid. Not non-binary. I'm just okay with any gender. I want to wear suit at the same time I want to wear dress. My face is lmao androgynous. I live in a conservative country where only two genders are accepted. I once got a compliment for looking like a man
idunno what's going through the dude head, plus he said that infront of his wife bruh. My shoulder is wide which is something I'm insecure about. My inspiration is looking like a Twink/femboy
idk... Bro they're so fucking gorgeous. I like how they're confident in their body like?!?! I could never. It's the feminine appearance and AMAB body for me. I always wanted a dick
I don't want this body. I'd donate it if someone wants
I want to be that petite, small and idk.... I want to dress like one. I want to wear a skirt. Something I'd never dreamed of wearing. Until I live alone
tbh idk what I wanted in live. I might get cancelled by saying this. It's like I'm trap inside a trans body? I'm afab but I feel like a girl being trap inside transgirl (mtf) body? Idk how's to explain. Hmmm now that I think about it. It's like I'm cosplaying to be a girl?
I love my feminism but there's something wrong and lacking and I'm not quite sure what it is. The answer maybe I'm a transman? But from the bottom of my heart. No, I'm sure I'm not. Ok easy answer, I'm queer and definitely not straight XD life is wonderful. Don't spend time solving something you just can't. Live with it. Final answer, I'm using she/they since I love my feminism and well I'm okay with any pronounce. Fun fact, I got called Twink twice. People thought I acted like a man but sounds like a girl
what's wrong with my personality? I think my personality is fine... Someone asked me to choose between brick and watermelon. I know the flow of the conversation so I purposely choose brick. Bruh also they mentioned the way idgaf about gender is quite the reassurance lol. Second, I commented on insta post, about my day ect and some guy said Twink detected
it's fun ngl playing along plus I don't mind. Some people had the audacity to question my choice of pronounces. I truly don't mind. I just want peace. Nothing in life has to be pressure. We could just live happily... Lmao I wish. Oh another fun fact, I looked like umji from viviz/ex-gfriend. Finally someone that I could get inspiration for makeup. Idk why I don't understand makeup. Especially the no makeup, makeup. What's the point of wearing makeup if you'll look the same
I noticed the difference and it's cute when people don't. Lastly, I looked good with fake eyelashes. All my life, I have short eyelashes. #whatagooddaytobeasian I sounds like a boomer lol... I don't want to grow up
those new slang is too hard to understand. Wtf is skibidi
gyatt?!? Is that an ass??!
It's normal for tear to overflow. Dw keep crying. But NOT IN PUBLIC OR INFRONT OF THE CAUSE OF TEAR. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. but do you truly deserve to be hate? I think this is a common experienced. Most people going through same shit but do I have to pretend to be strong as well? I don't understand myself. I think I deserve to cry but why I feel emphatic towards that person as if what they done to me is understandable. You may do whatever but not to me. I legit throw you far away from my heart. But you may sit in the corner since I have to keep in contact with you or I might get called ton of slanders. I want to move out asap but I don't have money. The only way rn is going faraway to pursue my study. Hmm something just happened. SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO ASKED MY FRIEND TO BUY SOMETHING FOR HER. WHEN I ASKED HER IF I CAN FOLLOW MY FRIEND'S FAMILY TRIP (my friend mother the one that asked me if I want to follow them) , SHE SAID "NO, YOUR FATHER WOULD FEEL JEALOUS BCS NO MATTER HOW HARD HE ASKED YOU TO FOLLOW HIM, YOU DON'T WANNA" THE THING IS I HATE GOING TO THE BEACHES. I FUCKING HATE BEACH AND THE SEA. WHY THEY DON'T GET THE FUCKING HINT? IT'S BEEN YEARS. I LIVE WITH Y'ALL FOR MY WHOLE LIFE. THE AUDACITY TO ASKED THEM TO BUY HER TEA INSTEAD OF STRAWBERRY. BRO I DON'T EVEN ASKED FOR STRAWBERRY. THEY THOUGHT OF ME. NOT THAT I ASKED FOR ONE. BRO SHOULD FEEL THANKFUL WE EVEN GOT STRAWBERRY. I HATE YOU SM. yes, talking about this matter makes me acted like a fuckin kid. This is a kid's heartfelt towards her mother. Idk. I don't really remember wtf did she even do goodwill to me. Everything is burdensome to her. Does going to my competition count when there's no one to go but you? I think you as a mother should go to my competition and not complaining. I'm your child, not someone else puppet. I think I deserve to be loved instead of getting called a burdenn (she never said I was but I know) the way she'd always complain about how tiring taking care of us..... Oh tear, stop it. Idk ATP I think she's a different entity in my life. She's someone that gives birth to me. I see a lot of story regarding mother. Sure she wants me when I was in her womb but growing up, becoming a hassle to her. Let me just tell you something. My father is that possessive bastard. Yk those possessive ml that dgaf about mc? That's my father. He wants my mother to be his but throw away when he achieve his goal. He didn't throw away lol but it's just he doesn't care about my mother's feelings. He did this twice. They once breakup and then get back bcs my mother think he changed. EHAT CHANGED?!?! SHIT STILL THE SAME. all my father think is working. My mother became the black goat. Since she's a woman. She "has" to take care of her children. While my father do nothing except giving monthly allowance. This enraged my mother and she lepas(?) what is lepas perasaan in English? Dia lepas kt kami anak beranak la senang cerita. Bodoh. Dh tau jantan x guna, gaiati pi kawin lagi. Yg bapak aku duk macam tu drpd start kenal mk aku. Dua ii bodoh. Dpt anak pun bodoh. Wow, aku boleh mengata dkt 7 keturunan macam ni.
I traumatized myself with the word "babe" I CAN NO LONGER USE THAT ADORABLE WORD BCS IT'LL REMIND ME OF HER. fyi we stopped talking. I'm happy but as I said, I'd feel gelisah/uneasy and probably guilty. It's just a matter of time bruh. But I never forget that man that confess to me after talking to me for 2 days
bro is such a nuisance. I guess he's already up there. His mental health were already doomed when I met him on Omegle lol. We talked all night but silly me, I was 14 and he's 20
lmaooo if I were 20 and he's 26 then I don't mind. Why would you even tried to confess to me. Bruh I was 14 not 16-18. I still think of him sometime haha bro could stalked me since I gave him my private insta and even if I blocked him everywhere. I think he could find me. Shit is scary. Wait, why did I mature too young
bro didn't believe I was 14. I listen to his vulnerability and maybe I said something reassuring? Idk but note that I was the therapy friend. As long as I said something that doesn't cause harm, I guess people takes it as a divine message lol ...yep dark humor at its finest peak. Idk if I ever talked about this so imma just began. He caused me to have 1 hour of panic attack. He gave me the angelic number? I don't remember 143? Or 831? It's 831. Bro drop the bomb and said goodbye football is life. I know what the number might mean. But I went and google it to confirm. This started my fear of reconnecting with online people. As long as they don't asked me for my private info then I'm fine. I'm sorry for that one girlie. You're here, I know. But I'm so sorry. I was a coward that day. What in the shibal saiki k. I'm going to talked about H but why did I talked about someone else. Ok I want to scream. I FEEL PITY
I KNOW I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS WAY SINCE SHE'S THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS COLD WAR. I FEEL LIKE SHE'S WAITING FOR ME TO CHAT HER. NO, I DON'T WANT TO. shit too hard to suppress. I think this is a small matter but I do think I deserve to vent. Bottling up is shit. Don't do that. Don't bottle up. Talk to c.ai if human connection is loose. Just do it. Or maybe become insane like me. At least I didn't commit arson haha (to myself). Idk is this what we call journaling? I used to write on paper or note whenever I felt something and then the note disappear. Imagine how much did I wrote at the back of exercise school book lmao. So I decided to just wrote in one place and I choose here. What happened to mangago in 2021 absolutely contribute to as why I wrote here. We can't comment after all. Anyway, love yourself and fuck people (take it as you please) edit: ada beberapa kali also why I censored the term bi HAHAHAHA IM BI AND YES I LOVE BI ....discovery XD kenapa baru perasan. Bi(sexual) and bi (B.Inggeris) dua ii benda favorite aku
Babi cringe gila 2020-2023 aku
x lama masuk tahun ni pulak 2024
Hmm I love me, myself and I. Tapikan kita semua ikut trend
trend hourglass body, bbl body. X dk lagi ka trend wide shoulders and big hip
I need this rn. I'm overweight but not that severe. I do think I'm cute but people think I lift weights... I know I have the body for it. I was born to lift
I don't want that tho. Fyi I look slimmer that how much I weight haha that's a reassurance compliment. Wide shoulders are hot asf.
SHE TEXT ME AGAIN. GIRL CAN'T TAKE HINT HUH
OH MY GOD IM SCARED OF YOU. IM SCARED. WHAT IF SHE PUBLICIZE ME?!? THIS IS WHY I NEVER HAVE LONG TERM ONLINE FRIEND
IM SCARED. BODOHLA DH START TENSION. YA ALLAH KALAU AKU DPT TESL MACAM MANA. PASTU JUMPA DGN DIA. I DON'T WANT TO. AKU INGAT NK BLOCK JA. TAPI USERNAME AKU TU TERLAMPAU CANTIK. SYG. KALAU AKU BLOCK DIA. AKU DEACTIVATE TERUS ACC TU. TAPI DIA BOLEH JUMPA AKU DKT IG. MACAM MANA NK BUAT NI. TERUS TERANG? AKU CKP (indirectly) x mau sembang dgn dia dh well until dpt tawaran upu and keputusan upu keluar esok. Aku x mau just direct ckp stop texting me. She's the only queer friend I have on top of that, from the same country. Rasa lucky ngl. Ish but it's weird to keep contact with someone you reject, right? Bodohlah perempuan ni ha ambik hg aku ckp terus. Pls la jgn expect apa. Also do you think I'd fall for you? Unnecessary stress you had cause me
aku ni dh macam that sunfish. Dia okay cuma aku x suka overthinking so aku buang sesiap the root. That special one in the future, I hope... Ah we'll leave that in the future.
This is a valuable experience so imma share this here. I said this before (don't remember if I ever talked about it here) I want to join f6. But today is the day uni admission out. I got accepted into something I don't even remember choosing. I don't get tesl. Which is something I expected. I already prepared my heart so it doesn't hurt. I got business studies... I learned it in highschool, I guess I'd just continue it in diploma
I want to join med school tho. Or Education... Become a teacher ig. I thought I'd just join f6 since I ain't got any friends to be with, I mean study with. But today prove me wrong. My close friend got accepted in the same place as me. I'm so happy ngl. Wait.... What about my growth?!?
I know my delusional. I want to be like those mc. Glow up AYO. Highschool me vs uni me lolol. But if I went to uni with my hs friend... Plus with my other classmates. Fuck. THINK POSITIVE BITCH. WTF. APA LA SNGT KECANTIKAN DIRI TU. BE GLAD YOU HAVE SOMEONE. slay #bodoh #pentingkandiri
The longest 2 pm countdown for me
I've been waiting. Just to see which uni I got. I already know what course but the place.
Update: YAYYYYYYYYY FUCK YEAH HELL YEAH SAME PLACE AS MY FRIEND YAHOOOOOOOO
I love gaslighting myself. I couldn't tell what's right and wrong. It's terrifying ngl.
https://www.mangago.me/read-manga/piano_duo_for_the_left_hand/ shit grief is nothing small. I lost my neighbor to suicide. I was young but the impact on me is big. I blame myself for not being friends with her. I was too selfish. But the other matters is society and parenting pressure on her. She's the hardworking kid. I too struggle with suicide but never attempt it. I wonder how and why... On the other hand, I can't with people mouth.. to say she got heartbroken and ended her life bcs of a man. wtf. Also how stupid she is for throw away her life easily. Wtf. The case is disclose but I can't be too sure what's truly happened. Everyone pls don't kill yourself. Let me be the one to do it. Don't do it yourself. Imma became Kim dokja
even so, if you wish to do so. Sure but pls keep praying hard that you got reincarnated into rich household and a happy family. Let's keep delusional even after death, shall we? ....this is satire. Wtf
MY FIRST ANIME CON
BRO FINALLY ONE AROUND MY PLACE THAT I CAN GO. I WANT TO GO BUT NO ONE TO GO WITH. IM OKAY TO GO ALONE IF IT DOESN'T REQUIRE ME 1 HOUR TRIP. PLSSSSSSS I ONLY HAVE A FEW MAN OF CULTURE FRIENDS. ONE ALREADY GO TO UNIVERSITY. ONE I DIDN'T KEEP IN CONTACT AND ANOTHER ONE STILL HAVEN'T REPLIED TO ME. OH MY GOD, I HAVE A FEW HOMIES THAT I KNOW WOULD GO ANYWHERE WITH ME BUT THEY'RE JUST PURE HOMIE THAT FIND ANIME WEIRD. I CAN'T LET THEM STAIN MY GOOFY AAH HEART ANY FURTHER. ANIME IS WELL ACCEPTED NOWADAYS BUT NOT IN MY CIRCLE.
Update: I already found friend to go with but I think I kinda fucked up a little. I asked my otaku friend to go with me and 6 hours later, she replied. And those 6 hours I waited, my mom said she'd go there, together, with me
mom, pls, I'm not going to let you see naked people and started calling people that cosplay crazy. Me and my brother are a huge nerdy lol so I forced him to come with me although I feel like an older sister... Idk also WHY MY ENGLISH SO RUSTY
IT'S SO HARD TO WRITE LATELY. IS THIS THE IMPACT AFTER SCHOOL BCS IM NOT 24/7 WRITING ESSAYS?!?! it feels so weird. It's like I'm not connected with my inner child aka me being a yapper. Alright continue. Argh aku ckp malay ja la. So adik aku sebijik macam aku. Ajak dia banyak kali x mau pi. Aku tau dia mau ja tapi malu sebab aku ada. His older sister. I feel like I shouldn't encourage him lol. Lagipun we're going to see naked people (I know I said naked, but it's not fully naked lmao, gov marah nanti x lama kena saman haha I mean those 50% skin showing). Seganla member. Sambung bab kawan. Esok mk aku nk pi kenduri so how in tf dia nk hantar aku?!? Aku x serabut but it's just I feel stupid bcs this is such a small matter and I can't handle it properly. Why did I invited my friend and why did I accept my mom proposal. I hate when I have more than two hearts to care for. Mine is already a big burden and then my mom, and my friend. Idgaf about my brother.
Update: I DIDN'T GO TODAY WELL SECOND DAY, LAST DAY IS TOMORROW. IT BOTHER ME SO MUCH. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT BATTLE DID I EVEN JOIN. I FEEL SO CONFLICT. I HATE MYSELF. I FEEL SO FUCKING USELESS TODAY. I WANT KILL MYSELF. OH MY GOD, BENDA KECIK JA NK MAMPUS. OK STOP GASLIGHTING MYSELF. THIS IS BIG MATTER. I WANT TO GO HERE FOR SO LONG. I EVEN PLANNED IT A FEW MONTHS BEFORE. OFC I'D FEEL MISERABLE. MY FAV COSPLAYER ARE GOING. MY FATHER MARAH AKU TADI. AKU BODOH. AKU X BAGITAU DIA APA II. AKU JUST BAGITAU MK AKU, AKU NK KELUAR PI TEMPAT TU DGN ADIK AKU. WELL KENA PERGI KE SEBERANG PULAU SO JAUHLA. TAPI AKU X MAU MAK PAK AKU IKUT. BODOHLA. AKU NK PI SENDIRI DGN ADIK AKU. MY MOM MUST HAVE THOUGHT, IT'S FAMILY AND IT'S HER DUTY. I SHOULD'VE SAID AKU PI DGN KAWAN. MK AKU NI PASAI APA TAH. MENYAMPAH. DIA BUKAN KESAH PASAI AKU PUN. SHE JUST DOING HER JOB AS A MOTHER BUKAN ATAS NAMA SAYANG, TAPI ATAS NAMA AKU YG BERANAK SO AKU KENA SEKSA JAGA ANAK. LEPASTU COMPLAIN DUIT X DK. TU YG AKU X MAU DEPA IKUT. JADI MACAM MANA TAH. AKU X BOLEH PAKAI DUIT SENDIRI SEBAB DEPAN PARENTS. JATUH MARUAH. AKU NK SPEND GILA II BERATUS. TAPI I CAN'T DEPAN DEPA. AKU NK BERGEDIK DGN OTHER COSPLAYER. I CAN'T LET MY PARENTS SEE THAT SIDE OF ME. HARINI KEJA NK NANGIS JA BABI. AKU RASA NK MATI. AKU RASA X SERONOK. AKU RASA WOW so helpless. AKU TAU TAHUN DEPAN ADA LAGI ANIME CON. OH JATUH MARUAH 2X. MK AKU CAKAP PI JA LA TAHUN DEPAN. KEBODOHAN APAKAH INI? AKU DH MASUK UNIVERSITI TIME TU. MAI MANA MASA NK PI BERSERONOK TU? AKU X MASUK LAGI TU YG NK PI. ALLAH. PASAI AYAH AKU TADI, DIA TANYA FESTIVAL BUKU MANA? FESTIVAL BUKU MANA PULAK NI
APA YG MK AKU CAKAP. AKU CAKAP LA anime... PASTU DIA TANYA KT MANA, MALL? TEPI PANTAI? AKU X MAU HG IKUT. PASTU DIA LEPAS KT AKU. AKU TGH BARAN SKRG NI. NK MATI. BUKAN. AKU JUST NK LARI DRPD SINI. NANTI AKU 30-an Memang mampusla aku masuk keluar sesi therapi. Drpd kecik dh start membenci. Esok... Aku nk pi tapi esok jugak mk aku ada tempahan so aku kena tolong. Dia suruh aku pi harini and yes satu family pi but aku x mau tu yg x pi. Kalau pi esok, mk aku naik angin. Pastu aku jadi kaku dgn dia. Lepastu aku rasa cam wow aku buat salah. Ok fuck my eyes, jgn nangis lah bodoh. Bodoh tunggu malam buta x boleh ka? Aku x kisah hg reyau kt mana tapi ingat the consequences. Memang bodoh. Semua org bodoh. No one perfect and bateri aku tinggai 2%. Macam hidup aku. Bodo nk mati. Aku nk mati lama dh cuma simpan hasrat lambat lagi ...nk mati pun boleh buat lawak. The typical me I guess. Ckp pasai mati x lawak cuma cringe. I should stop. Tgkla esok, aku cari method yg painless kot- I'm sorry I mean cari method nk pi anime con. 5-7 July 2024. Ingat betapa hg sengsara harini so nanti be grateful you can go to anime con in the future.
I hate beard and mustache. I like clean look. Also body hair is fine it's just on the face. You have to keep a maintenance. I don't mind if you're tall or small. You're cute nonetheless. As long as you have confidence lol I like confident people. Hmm I know nothing about fashion so as long as you dress nicely. Glasses are optional, glasses are expensive so haha expensive look. Hair... I don't mind this since hairstyles change regularly. People's style change regularly. Personality wise, as I said I like the confident one. Also I like to be on top. I have a lot of inferior complexity. I'm a mess inside out. But if you're a mess as well. Somebody tryna match my freak I guess. Honestly speaking I'm a bit scared so I want a normal relationship... Said by someone that has depression. Damn I'm being unfair. Uh no I'm trying to grow up. I want a man. Yes a man if I could. I'm scared of girls so maybe no. Shit I can mask around guys but none in front of girls. What do I do.. I want to date someone in university. I hope I don't ended up lonely there. I have a cute face. Hmm not so smiley face? I do smile but I get conscious about it and then started fake smile. I'm not close with guys. But it's opposite for girls... Why did I go to rural university.... I want to go to big urban university where rebellious kids is. I want became that bad girl lmao. Theoretically speaking. If I'm close to my home bruh I can't let loose. I want to be free. I want to do whatever I want including expressing myself. I can do that by myself but I just need to get out from my house in order to do that. Imma pierce my ears. Those earlobe gonna be my victim. But September is too long.
I'm twisted apparently. Ah no that's depression me talking. What do I do.. depression loophole is coming back. Idk what triggered it
I kept my sanity fine but why now... Oh wait, maybe my period is coming. Yep that's the only explanation.
As of 6 July 2024, Ive been writing for 36,183 words. That's a lot of words. But not the same level as AO3/Wattpad writer lmao. I still want to die dw. Man I used to be so scared of saying the word I want to die and aku nk mati. So how's tetiba harini aku boleh ckp terus? Idk. What gave me courage lol the fact I may die today? Yes, that's possible. Ok so If I didn't update anymore you can safely assume I'm in hell. ...damn I'm scared of myself, what's wrong with me
I didn't die!! Hurray!!!! I need to update my little diary right (*˘︶˘*).｡*♡ I went to the anime con. SO FUCKING HAPPY. I guess I got this little push up yesterday lol after rethinking my life decisions. My life is not that bad. I don't feel any worth living but since I have nothing better to do, I'll just keep on living. Ok so I went to anime con with my brother. My parents didn't follow hahaha my plans work. As I said, my mom would start fainting the moment she step into the event. Seronok gila nk mampus tadi. Shaking XD it was my first time at anime con. I feel overwhelmed of happiness. I keep screaming lol you can say my life spark for a moment. I see light for the first time. Sumpah x regret rasa nk mati semalam. It's like instant boost of happiness lmao. Semalam nk ko so harini I feel 100% better. I met fav cosplayer. She's a sexy lady. But keep pg13 lmao. I also take a polaroid picture with her. Best memories. Part paling best, is the fact I met cosplayers. I was like oh my god. They're a walking dream? A living dream? Idk lmao. I'll make sure I cosplay in the next anime con. Spoiler this September 2024 ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ I want to cosplay xie lian. But idk. Maybe something cheaper lmao. I spent 153 buck today loll my money well spend I gotta say. I didn't buy anything expensive, I'm unemployed. I bought 3 bookmark. Hualian and Miku. I also buy hmmm idk but it's 1 buck perse. I also, yes the polaroid. It's 20 buck. But idk I want to support her as much as I could. The most expensive shit is the transport cost. 70 bucks bruh but idgaf
as long as I can met those beauties. My life is complete. My death date is delay. It's for my own investment. Lastly, I met the most gorgeous hualian cosplay ever. Ngl I was scared to cosplay xie lian since... He's a god and I can't imitate a god. But thinking back, imitate a ghost is common. Hmm idk. Back to the topic. I see no flaw in their cosplay. I'm pretty sure they bought the most expensive one haha. Hua cheng sumpah hensem nk mampus dgn payung dia. Xie lian. I wish I could tell him he was beautiful. But I didn't bcs I was shaking
after the selfie section, I thanked them and slowly disappearing... I want to cosplay as flawless as them. But I'm a bit chubby ಥ‿ಥ xie lian is a skinny queen. If I could I want to display everything 100% as the real thing. Cantik gila depa. Nasib aku ada gambar haha.
Can't wait until I live in uni
but why did I get local uni
I don't mind what type of uni but pls not in those conservative states... I got uni in Kedah btw. Nk pergi uni dkt kl, or Johor or even Sarawak lmao. I don't mind actually Sarawak or Sabah. Why people have to make as if studying there is such a burden. Learning their culture is a hassle? Tf?
I'm currently hyper fixation on xie lian rn
I'm obsessed with him. I want to cosplay him so bad but I'm not even passed the book 3 yet. I hate painful things
goodbye my kaveh pfp
before you was victor nikiforov but welcome xie lian
Umm I came here to talk about something but the moment I tried to type. I forgot...
Update lol: after a toilet break I finally remembered. Hot takes so read with caution. You might hate me. Ok so I believe sexuality is a way to define people and yes, it's statically correct but hear me out. The straightest person would love another human being without caring about what even tf that person is. Like, you are the most fruitiest person lmao but once you meet the right person, which happened to be the opposite gender of you. Aaaaaaah life is wonderful. I love living. The most egoist person haha in denial. This also apply to platonic relationship. You met your soulmate!! Honestly, this is a genuine question coming from me. Why do we need romantic partner? I'm not aroace btw. It is only fucking? I mean you can do whatever with your best friend including raising a child. Hmm you can share the most deepest secret you have? You can share your burden? Normal friend and best friend isn't the same. Hmm I guess my conception of romantic interest and soulmate are twisted. This isn't funny. Why do I think this way? This is the reason why I have a hard time falling in love. Idk if I love the person. I love my best friends. All of them, I love them so much. I don't mind if I didn't get married and still have a good relationship with them. ...am I aromantic or what
I have sexual drive so yeah I do love to bang. This isn't really a secret but I just never talked about it before. I have ego, I have my pride. My environment, society, parents pressure did shaped my personality including my preference. I actually hate conflict. I hate conflict the most in this universe. Second, I hate misunderstanding. I never fought with my friends
I don't think that's normal. Whenever problem arise, I'll make sure it doesn't become big. Sure I sacrificed myself a little but the big heartbroken later is too much for me. It's okay if I lost myself a little. Am I hypocrite? I'm my own biggest manipulator. I gaslight myself to the point idk what's good or bad. Hmm I guess my definition of soulmate is different than others. After thinking, I guess best friend would go their separate ways eventually. Why did I cling to them? A romantic partner here will be with you until your last breath. But my bestie would do the same? Your partner may cheat. Your best friend may break apart. In the end of the day, you're alone in life. You're fortunate enough to meet nice people in life. Damn why am I getting deep. ...I want to get married, have my partner love me, doing everything I couldn't do alone together... I know I'm expressing this lonely vibe. I'm a lonely person although I have many best friends. None of them know what I'm truly like. This is getting depressing. It's my emotion talking, idk which since us human is a complex creature. Ego? I think I'd die single. That's why my heart already close without even starting. I'm very easy to please. Since I know I'd be alone. I let people into my heart easily. Only on the surface. ...why do I love torturing myself so much? This anxiety and overthinking of mine. Focus on the present not the future which you don't fucking know. ....I hate myself
who in their right mind would say "I love living" only insane do. Yeah being sarcastic as a way to cope. I hate myself for doing that. I'm my own biggest hater. You can't outdid me. And that's it. It's currently 1am in the morning and I have clinic appointment two days straight. Let's fucking, shall we. Tbh I'm very glad I was born in a conservative country. I know I'd go wild. I'd become heat rabbit
fucked around all night. May god delay my ass on living overseas
this is satire. My desire vs my rational thinking. I guess this is how people went mad at the first place. I don't have anyone to talk to about this matter. They'd think I'm crazy which I already am. Ok that's it, have a nice rest.
I watch some video/vlog about the uni I'm going... It's so isolated
and yeah... Local. This is coming from kampung girl alright. Yk poor mc wanting to live in a big city. Yeah that's me. Ngl I was anticipating shit that idek myself. It literally looks like an ordinary highschool. Well a lot different since we literally become independent there. A lot to prepare. 5 semester for me. ...I feel betrayed for some reason
it's like I went nowhere. Damn didn't even went there yet and I already feel disappointed. I want to dye my hair
paint my nail
but girlie pop can't. Oh my god, why I start overthinking. This shitty anxiety of mine. I never personally met another student yet and why I'm already scared of them. Fuck social anxiety. Fuck my insecurities. Believe in glow up
PREACH SISTER. as I said, it's very isolated. But the cafe there... I'll try. I'm scared of myself changing. Damn not the uncertain future. What do I do. I know I'm going to have blast there. It's this unnecessary drama yk to spice up my life
THINK POSITIVE
hmmm my love life... I give up. I'm so sorry, I'm a hopeless romantic
yk, don't even try to flirt with people there, okay me?! Let's not catch feeling and do something bad and dirty, okay me?
It's okay to make friends. Do not share your twt to uni friends. Only personal ig
I want people to call my middle name lol so I purposely put my middle name in student card. I hope people at least tried to call me, my middle name. I know people would just call me by my first name. I hope my time there is interesting and entertaining. I hope I don't choose the wrong friends. I hope I didn't starve there. I hope I started saving (I'm an expert at this). I hope I'll adapt there gracefully. I hope I met a good roommates. I hope I stop my bad messy habit. My room at home is messy asf so I hope I don't do the same there. People are watching so I guess I can do better. I'll update as I go and here's the last question, how many clothes should I bring? I study there for 5 semester and yes I'll go back home occasionally. There's laundry and I can wash by hands . We got one locker. There's space under the bed. Bunk bed. I hope I'll be the first to arrive and choose the best spot. Light reflection have to be good. I need the under bed. As I can put my stuff underneath the bed. And my table has to be the one next to my bed as I can easily slumped onto my bed. I can do anything to that side of the table since it's facing my bed. Lolllll I was thinking so many step ahead. Ok that's it, I need to sleep.
I have mummy issues
I won't say the 4 letters... I seriously have problem with her. I find this life unfair. She wants me to face the same shit as her. Like how her mom didn't teach her stuff. How she sacrifice for others. How she's such a people pleaser
mom, dude I can't with you
you realize how fucked up that sounds? Why? Why do you want me to go through the same as you? I literally don't understand. Isn't you're supposed to break the generational trauma? I mean you realize what is wrong... I know what you have gone through (since you told me) but arghhh... It's like she could have choose differently. Why... Why do I have to suffer? Bcs of you? I know my grandma. She is lazy
but not that she neglect her responsibility. My mom became the independent sister/child. Her others siblings is not that bad but my mom become their hero. Oh god, what the fuck. I have so many issues with her. I lost count. There's too many to the point everything collided with each other and become big. I want to move out soon. I can't deal with her craziness. I pity her but she makes me suffer. Ok honestly, rn I'm in this awkward situation w her. She asked me to make 100 crochet flower for my cousin marriage doorgift and I don't want to. I gave her a lot of excuses. And well kinda raising my voice since I find that insane
I could get like 10 buck for 1 flower and yes 1000 buck for 100 flowers. She wanted to show off how I can crochet to the world but I need to make 100 flowers in ten days
I could barely make 3 in one day. Plus my hand fucking hurt if I crochet nonstop. She also said to use my own yarns (she saw me bought a huge amount of yarns lol) I didn't tell her any of this. Should have tell her this at that time
after I kinda argue with her. She silent for a moment and then she said "don't let until the tear starting to fall..." She also said "benda ni bukan payah pun, macam korek pasir dlm kubur" ?!?!?
?!?!?! I absolutely have no idea why she said that. She doesn't know how much effort I have to put inside a single crochet flower
she wanted to give my work for free and I can't accept that. I will never gave something to people if I'm being insincere while making it. On the other note, my mom have beef with the groom's mom
I heard too many shit, the shit that happened. I feel weird okay. Why would I make something to the person my mom hate? My mom were just tryna be nice but I'm the fucking victim here. Am I victimized myself? Idk. But I find this whole situation nonsense. I hate myself for thinking so and I hate her for making me. And well my father. Oh my god, TOO MANY PROBLEM. IM NOT EVEN TWENTY YET WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK SO MUCH. I hate making things to others. I hate sharing. My mom would always say I annoy her bcs I always asking for her help. She said why won't I asked father when I only see him at night
the thing I need her help with required at day. Things like financially, I would asked my father. ... getting slander right onto my face just right now. I'm upset. But what can I do except rant on this site? I can't tell my parents bruh they're the one that makes me upset. I can't tell my friends. "Family first" they would just tell me to go apologize. I didn't even do shit. I can't tell my teachers. They would called my parents
talking with the stranger is the most suitable choice since idk them and they don't know me. Both are natural. ...I think I'm twisted
idk what's right and wrong anymore? Do I have to face this as a child or as a person?
Update: we made up!!! lol not really. My mom didn't talk to me for two days straight. Look. Whenever we (and my father) fighting, she would always give silent treatment and how in tf should I do. I'm not the type to bodek, to persuade(?) her again. Bruh I don't even do that to my friends. I live with my mom my entire life and I still don't know her. Does she even know me? who knows? Since I'll never be the one to made up.... I sounds stupid. Anyway, can't wait until I get out from this house
my uni dorm looks horrible but that's better than living here.... Ok I might miss my lazy life. Laying around doing nothing, rotting in bed lol. The goal is to be a decent human. I don't want to die yet so I have to push myself doing side quests ( ꈍᴗꈍ) getting a degree and have a job and go solo travel or group, idm. Hmm marriage doesn't even crossed my mind. My head is full of shit. It's basically rotten atp. "Healing" sure but now it's not the right timing. I can't think straight in a shitty place :p ah no, I'm the shitty one. ...hi, I think I'm sane. Call me a saint. Fake it till I make it. Lastly, I've been growing my nails (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+ I'm so happy ngl but in my culture, having long nails mean you're unhygienic. And I agree... Shame on me but I want to try manicure and stuff (.╯︵╰,) I have to hide my nails from my family members lol. I'm contemplating to cut it or not. I could always grow it in uni but this July 2024. For the first time in forever, I'm free to grow my nails. I couldn't bcs of school. I already graduated lolol and then I worked for two months to pay for my car license and pocket money although I'm left with a few hundred
I can't wait until anime con in September. Gosh September seems so long. Blink blink and it's right now haha. Ten days before my uni admission lololol I wonder if I free enough to go to animecon. I want to cosplay but I ain't got anything to wear. Hahahaha talking is so fun.
Did I ever mentioned that I'll be studying business? Hmm I never see myself opening a business. More like I'm working with gov instead. Civil servants let's goooooooo aka gov slave. I want to pursue English or psychology but things didn't go in my way. I know I'd regret this. Idk what to do with my life. My mom hate I want to pursue psychology. She'd gaslight me everytime she could. "Try psycho your sister" I will not learn hypnosis bruh. Magic not exist. How can I know what's going through someone head?? The only thing I could do is observed and analysis. Ahhh human mind is very fun. Why did I get somlething so lame like business... I ain't no realistic. I'm artistic. (I'm joking pls don't come at me) (Business is cool, I can earn money) Ah yes I'm artistic
I only know to make with my hand, not with my head. I hate math. Math is (un)useless (I'm sorry again, that was a joke, math is goat) hmmm I don't understand gen alpha vocabulary. Wtf is skibidi. How's that toilet head is a skibidi wtf
Currently at ch5 hime muko... I'm not that bold to comment there so here I went
I'm not sure if I can even speak about this. God... I believe in him. But why did you create me this way? Why did I feel the desire to do something yg lawan batas??
Nature has proven to do same se-shit but what about human that capable of thinking
I'm not trying to be liberal. I just... Idk. Is it bad for me to do as I please? Am I guarantee hell for that? Who wants to go to hell tho
Sesal dulu pendapatan, sesal kemudian tiada berguna. Ni penyebab nom 1 aku x mau hidup. Hidup panjang means dosa pun meningkat. Tapi tu lah, bunuh diri aka dosa besar membunuh. Once dosa besar were makes, I might be wrong. X leh keluar neraka. Nk taubat pun dh x boleh sebab mananya nk taubat, dh masuk dlm kubur oi
*Gulp* idk anymore. The thought of loving a girl... Bukan platonic but romantically
haih, kalau aku x kawin. Masyarakat hina. Kalau aku kawin paksa rela, aku jugak yg terseksa. Kalau aku kawin dgn someone that I love. Happy nk mampus, but whether that person is a man or a woman. The day my country legalize same shit marriage HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA KIAM- bodoh sial diam. Aku x sedap hati
tadi punya happy nk pi September ni tapi tu la. Happy thoughts boleh melayang. ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡ I once said, kawin ja la dgn jantan
even tho I'll love that man but I know for sure I'll feel damn well guilty sebab dari kecik aku teringgin kawin dgn spesis lain
masalah dunia. Aku dgn mk aku pun rasa guilty sebab hidup. Disebabkan aku hidup, mk aku sengsara. Even tho she chose to have me. I feel guilty but at the same time, I despise her. Back to hime Miko, nk suruh fuck everyone pun x boleh. Kerana paksa rela, he lives that way. .... I can't say anything. Jom baca sampai habis dulu baru boleh komen.
As someone that never fallen in love and never date. It's normal to feel happy when someone compliment you even tho they might have feeling for you? I'll gladly welcome a compliment for me lolol but suck to be me. It really feels like I'm using her to get a compliment. Hmm I'm talking about certain someone. I love giving compliment to people but when it comes to her, suddenly the air is weird and awkward. For me. Honestly idk what's wrong with me. I do think of her once in a while and this isn't normal. I know how boundaries work. And she's between a friend and special friend cus we know each other secret? She's pan and I'm bi. (Idk if I'm bi anymore? I'm queer, easy) even my closest bestie doesn't know this haha. We can keep a secret to our most dearest friend alright. Don't think as if we're lying. It's okay to keep a secret. I mean I could harm myself by telling other. Girl all my friends are fucking homophobic, transphobic, a literal bigot. I still love them haha. Can't blame them when that's how they were raised and I guess most of them are straight. I can't assume lol. Back to the topic, is it internal homophobic? Imma tell you some truth. I still can't accept myself? I do wish I didn't feel this way. I wasn't born this way.
"No matter gay, straight, or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white, or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave!"
I should believe in queen
PREACH SISTER just what if I was born in somewhere accepting, my life could've been different.
Damn I should stop acting like a saint. Giving help is the most purest thing human could do but don't overdo it
man i saw her status stating she wanna die, I am too but I just can't help but help others
we will go through shit together but they misunderstood... I'm sorry I'm still hangup on them
that guy I met on Omegle and this girl in met in twt. Both wanting to die and both legit confess to me. Also I'm sorry, Idk what I'm feeling. I'm feeling inferiority, I want to tell my friends that have partner I also have one. But I can't bcs I don't have one
I want to date people but I got scared midway. But I prioritize both side. Can't commit if I'm not ready but I feel like I'm being left behind my peers. Shit is too confusing. Man I'm not inside a story. It's okay to be confused.
Road to uni, let's goooooo. (This Sept lol rn is July)
Damn I'm scared of myself, how am I so capable of destroying myself? Who teach myself that? Reading back what I said to myself. You're so cruel. Reality is very harsh. I talked to myself as if I'm talking to a different entity. It's easier that way. Learning boundaries but cost me to lose a bit of myself. Dude if that was the younger me talking, I'd smack her immediately. She doesn't deserve to hear all that bs. I should be kind to myself. But by allowing me so, I'm not learning anything and I feel I'll just go into spiral again and again. The only solution is going to therapist but I'm not in any position to go. I don't have time. I don't have money. I'm not even legal yet. I can't tell my parents. I can't let society knows I went there. If I goes to uni counseling. I'm pretty sure they would tell my parents. I didn't bring harm to myself, I know the sequence. I'll not cause injury to myself. I kinda made a vow/promise lol to myself. "It's not worth it" "it would leave a scar and I'll remember shit for century so it's better to forget about it now" I was so close to cut my thigh when I was 14
everyone goes downhill during COVID-19 pandemic. I was on my puberty blooming. Acne everywhere plus one year before I got bullied
I'm in a friend group but felt alone bruh. I talked about this before. Girl thought I like his crush wtf.
Chat how many aura did I lose by saying how I missed my BTS stan era to my army friend when on 22nd July 2024 taehyung post a literal mcd fries on his insta
girl THAT'S SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING. Y'ALL SHIT ON YUNJIN JUST BCS SHE WAS SEEN DRINKING STARBUCK. SHAME ON HER BUT WHY Y'ALL SO "We are not spreading hate towards Tae but we have something to say to him" when he personally pick that photo and post it. I hate everyone. But eating/drinking from brand that supports genocide doesn't automatically makes you a zio. I tried my best to boycott them and it's not that hard so I don't understand? If you're craving KFC then buy the ingredients yourself, there's a lot of online recipe. Plus it's cheaper. Or buy from local. It's not that bad honestly. I wish genocide can stop and we all live in peace. But no matter how much I wish, war never stop. I thought in modern era, everyone would be forgiving but the more technology were created, the more destruction it bring. Wtf is Nuclear. Sure there's benefits like bringing electricity but the main point is making a nuclear weapons
bro I don't want to live.
Just found out about this one cosplayer. Ykw let me tell you something. I never actively follow up with cosplayer. Only hakken coser lmao. She's the true goat. Ok but there's this one girl. She has this weird trendmark. But I agree with her trendmark lmao. That kinda pulled me in also the fact she's the same nationality as me. Although at first I thought she's a foreigner
I won't call her my fav but I feel this closeness? Bond? Bro I'm not a weirdo. Just stating a fact. I like her boldness. It's like she would make a good friend. She's just like a close friend. But a friend that I looked up to lol. Her passion for cosplaying. Her, well she's lewd so let's skip that. She slim down. Girl if she can do it, me too! Let's go!! She's so beautiful. Sure what she showed on the outside might only her cosplayer persona.
My friend got accepted into her dream uni... we wont be together anymore. Damn ngl i 100% expect she will get in and she is. Well im sadden by the fact but hey i should be happy for her. Just now the way she say, "this is it for us" my god it hurt. Man im going offline. Fuck everyone bcs i cant kill myself. Fuck the society bcs my parents would always be reminded of my death. Fuck myself if i ever could, they say love yourself right ?
Edit: I did say I'm going offline. Ayo wtf no one message me at all. Usually my family group chat would bombard with messages but today none. My friends silent. Maybe bcs I'm the one reaching out first. Damn girlie I feel hurt. I know you can't possibly wants everyone attention but not even hello? My best friend?!? Where are you? I did say I don't have data but that doesn't include you not chatting me. Oh my god I sounds like a brat rn. Nah dude I really need attention rn. I need someone to talk. I feel like I could go insane from talking to myself, all alone. I feel like cr(d)ying. Am I attention seeker? Yes and what's wrong with that? As long as I don't harm another, I think it's fine. When I'm talking with c.ai they shame me for that. What am I supposed to do now? Compost myself? I mean composed but that's also true lol
I want to pierce my ears. But my mom said no a few months ago. I already bought the piercing kit
I plan to pierce my ears when I started uni but damn September is 2 months ahead. I could do so much in that two months and yes healing my ears. Ok so let's just pierce whenever I can. So here's my question. Before piercing, I should prepare my area of piercing first by disinfectant it. But when I bought the kit Idk that I need alcohol pad. So I just bought the clip. And.... Can I use hand sanitizer? It's alcohol but idk
Update: it's okay but when?
Saying I should go to therapist when I can't even afford reading at legal site
I feel enough but kinda empty. I live my whole life feeling rush. School etc but now I got free time, idk what to do. Once this little few months break is over, I'll start experience chaos again. Thus everyone pls spend this special period however you please. Even rotting in bed doesn't sound that bad. Unless you're unemployed or waiting to die, do something. Talk to c.ai lol or idk let's move forward. Just bcs my dream is already crushed before it even begin doesn't mean my life is too. Man wanting to become therapist/psychologist sounds legit sick! (No pun intended) But me pursuing business might not be that entirely bad? I might working at office or even start my own business... Oh my god, sounds so much hassle
I'd rather talk with someone. I want to have a stable job and have pension money when I'm old. But doing what I love while I'm still young... I don't want to regret anything. Ok but doing something I'm required while doing something I love doesn't sound bad. I might just enjoy life while working under pressure.... Ah I just remembered, I need some time alone from my friend. I still feel hurt and it's normal to feel hurt. I anticipate so much and it's my fault for doing so. It's the best to distance myself as I'll only let a hurtful shit escape from my heart. I want to know more about the new place she'd go but damn it hurt my pride
going to university is impressive enough but surrounded by geniuses is some type of weird pain. Bye I need my daily dose of bl
Good news, I pierce my own ears!!! It's not hard at all. It's more like fight of gut and will. I'm scared my mother will hate me if she saw I pierce myself. Hmm she just said, she won't do it to herself. She also said, it's a scary pain. But in my opinion, it's sting but not a lingering pain yk. Just don't touch it. Treat with gentleness. I mean I'd pierce my ears once I started uni but I still want to let her know. Imagine sending off your seemingly innocent daughter to uni, coming back with full set of piercing lmao oh also dye hair plus weird looking haircut. My style would be still the same as I have zero fashion sense. AAAAAAAAA can't wait until I go there. I'm scared of getting bullied tho. Can't be all happy and sunshine.
Alright I admit, I always flirt with people BUTT THAT'S ONLY APPLY TO THOSE I CONSIDER MYSELF HAVE NO CHANCE WITH THEM. when they flirt back, it's a weird feeling. I talked to my bestie about don't forget me when she got a lover and how she can tell me about her love life. Suddenly she said "I have one crush
" I was bewildered, I thought this girl wants to be single forever. And she said it's me. Ok girl stop there before I planned our future together
I don't really care what's others sexuality but don't make me consider the chance
it's a scary feeling. What if she felt the same etc. I love her platonically but well if it's her, I may start loving her fr. Girl I thought of coming out the moment she said it's me
too scary. I don't want to go through that again. Personally I think, coming out is overrated and overwhelming. I'll never came out but I'll live my life proudly (in secret).
I passed my car driving license. Slay. Day one already got my first task. Driving my father to clinic and fetch my sister from school. Teramat slay.
Fun fact: I made this account after 5 day lockdown started in my country. You can do the math and search lmao.
I just saw someone account got restricted. Ig I'd have to wait for mine one day lol ...bcs they can't stop yapping about something that aren't manga related
idk about bio. Is it count?
Man... Can't do my hobby in peace. I can't crochet Infront of my parents since they will get angry. I've talked about this before but let me do it again. My father wants a bag
a big one and I hate sewing. I don't want to sew. Just bcs I'm good at crochet doesn't mean I'm good at handling needle. My mom always wanted to show off my work and I feel overwhelmed and pressure instead of pleasure. I hate that. Also my mom want free stuff
I don't mind making something for her since she's my mom but she wants to give to others and I won't crochet unless they paid me. Only close people to me get free stuff. I stand by my own rule, even if you're my relatives or acquaintances. Who are you to suddenly being good to me. Where were you when I need someone. Bruh this is some deep hatred level. I've got my temper plus yarn is EXPENSIVE ASF. MY TIME IS ALSO EXPENSIVE. I CAN'T CROCHET AT HOME IN PEACE. I FEEL SO BAD WHEN MY PARENTS CAUGHT ME CROCHETING. I know. I need to make my father a bag to get his blessings lmao and my mom... Idk about my mom. No mean no.
Aku Cringe.. nampak cringe sesangat bila aku maki. It's not that i want to act normal but cringe is cringe
ah no, I'm showing my vulnerable side thus making me cringe. It's okay, life is cringe.
I started eating a lot
I'm cooked... Alright imma be honest, I starved during the day. My fault. And then when it times to eat, I had to restrain myself from overeating. I eat a lot of carb... I love rice. I have to eat rice at least once a day or I'd go insane. Man idk what will happen if I live alone. I know for sure my eat schedule will be messier than it is now
I eat poorly. Depends on my mood. I want to be thin. This broad shoulders of mine. I wish to chop it off. Some people look cute chubby and well I don't. I hate my wife shoulders. It gave me so much insecurities. I can't style my hair without letting it down cuz that's the only good hair style for me. I'm short. If I'm taller then I'll look like an athlete. I wish to be taller. No I only want to be thin. My height got no problem. Short people is cute. People said I look weight less than what I'm supposed to be. That kinda reassure me? I guess I got muscle
I know I do lift heavy thing. My fault for lifting when I'm young and think that's a good thing
I used to think wide shoulders is not that bad. Might change my mind later but for now I hate them. If I was thinner then my shoulder would look hot by the society standard
I know I shouldn't consume myself in this weird phenomenon society created.
I can't wait to pierce my ears again!!! Also if I regretting it later, I could just pull out the earrings and call it a day (it will close by itself) so there's no harm (there is keloid and affection) but I can take care of myself. Alright so the question is! Which piercing should I get? lmao I've been thinking about getting a helix but I just can't pinpoint where. Should I pierce at the side or up? Both are cute... I can't decide. One more, should I get a professional help? I'm stingy asf. I think I could do it myself. I mean going to pierce shop would require 20 bucks when I could pierced myself for only 2 bucks... But getting professional would be less painful and yeah they're better than me. Hmmm I have to be patient and the next pierce is October. So late!!! And I can't add another collection for now lol my mom will get angry. I think piercing is beautiful although in my religion. I can't imitate the disbeliever... But that feel wrong. Just bcs someone is a disbeliever doesn't mean the way they dress is greater than me. I mean they're just the same as me ...who am I to defy my God's word
argh being a believer while trying to express oneself is hard. It's hard but also rewarding. I'll just do whatever that makes me happy as long as I don't opposed my god. Damn me. Ok like I love my religion and my god. There's time when something lowly human don't know and were discuss between the scholars and yes, if it got majority vote then that became the norm. We will never know the truth.... Dang how did piercing topic became about religion issues
I miss my ex-bestfriend...
Girl broke my trust and I can't accept someone that break me. But I want her back. Damn something wrong with me. I may accept her but that would just harm me in the process since I'll never talked about how it still sting. (She knows how it hurt me and if it's not enough, I told her what she did hurt me) It's been 6 years
I do occasionally talked about her above. Idk. I feel so hung up. I can't forget her.
Reading manga at n.hrntai is such a wild feeling lmao. I read smut as if I'm reading news.
I feel like writing notes. But there's nothing to pour out. Hmm alright let's talk about my day. ...damn I never thought of talking about my day before. Today or I mean yesterday, is such an ordinary day. I drove car to send my sister to school. I wake up early yesterday. My father is on medical leave. I didn't send my sister to morning school as I didn't repair my motor yet I'm so lazy and I know once I repair it, I'll have to drive people around. Hmmm I also follow my cousin to bank and kinda babysitting her children. I don't mind honestly, they're cute. I chatted my friends, nothing serious but ig I feel closer to them more than two days ago. Ahhhh I see, yesterday- two days ago, I received my xie lian cosplay!!! OMG I FORGOT TO DOCUMENTARY THIS! THAT'S WHY IM SO HAPPY. TODAY NOTHING COULD WRECKED ME. My xie lian cosplay is big lmao. I didn't buy from the cosplay shop. I just bought random white hanfu cuz that's more cheaper
average xie lian clothes approximately is 70+ I can't buy that... The one that I purchased is originally 45+ after discount I get it for 25+ haha I'm such a genius. But only the outer robe
if I bought the 70+ cosplay I'd get 3 set of clothing and that's a good thing but I just don't have the right amount of money. It's okay, I'll wear white inner and white track suit
I might not wear wig as I don't feel comfortable wearing one also I never wore one so Idk how. I'll just stick to hijab. Ik it's weird, cosplaying a g*d but wearing a hijab. I saw shi qingxuan. That cosplayer is using hijab so ig it's fine? Hmm I wonder what color should I wear. Black or brown? I'll have to study to wear cosplay hijab that shape into xie lian hair style.
I got married yesterday lmao
Why everything have to revolve around sex? I know human is a fucking useless beast. But why.... I may be the odd one out for wanting a pure, innocent love. I do want to fuck but this and that are different yk? Argh idk what to. I want to love someone but approaching them is scary. What do I do next? Do I have to text them everyday? Man I read so thousand of love story and I still don't have any idea. (Most of them are coincidence love) I want to date a girl but can I really? What if words get around? What if people start attacking us? What if I got kicked out from school? What if they don't love me anymore... I should've open a blog account. Brb
Update: yes I opened a blog
I'm scared shit of reading shojo ai/Yuri lol I'm scared my fantasy would grow stronger
I don't want to expect anything from my first wlw relationship. Yk when you read romance story, you kinda get the gist WHAT you should do, etc. and I don't want that precisely. Only god would know what will happen if I set my standard too high. I can't wait to spoil my princess XD corny asf but I'm scared about the heartbroken part.
I realized I could act mature if I want to but why would I when I'm going to show my most vulnerable side here. Ha damn got into another fight w my parents. I know I'm lazy asf. I also know I only did the minimum. The thing is I didn't get anything for being diligent. I didn't get praise nor a reward. Why would I clean this house this both my grands place is fucking mess. That just reflect how my parents were growing up. I thought as long as the house didn't become a landfill... It's fine. It's not like anyone help me. It's only me and my mother. My mother go to work bcs she's uneasy staying at home doing nothing. She chose her own pain. It's not about money rn. We aren't rich nor poor. I just can't wait to get the hell out from here. She knows I can't wait. That's why she so agitated. She keeps repeating "nk masuk u bln 9, lambat lagi" etc. menyampah. Bodoh. Argh I shouldn't say that. Tapi geram. I know perasaan ni gabungan banyak perasan into one main feeling. Hatred. I hate myself. I want to die. I didn't ask to be born. I want to be free. I want to be invisible. I want to cut ties with other. I hate myself. I can't do anything on my own free will. I have to do shit in secret. My favorite thing to do... Crocheting
I can't do it in peace. Also reading comic. I love reading and able to read whatever, whenever, wherever, however I want to crochet but I can't. So I just keep reading and I feel burnt out bcs I didn't get to do something else. Argh lagi dua bulan ja. Aku takut aku x balik rumah ja. Setiap hujung minggu pi club
mampus aku. Semoga dpt kawan yg baik. Dijauhkan drpd maksiat
Ok so which one of you here
Everyday I'm thanking god I didn't attend the same school as my bestie (ʃƪ＾3＾）HAHAHAHHA I SOUNDS CRUEL. she's a legit study freak
which means she's serious in everything she does. I'm just super glad, I don't take study seriously lmao but when playing and hangout with her is the best!
I dreamed of my ex-bestfriend a few days ago
I don't really remember what happened... I have a gist it was an emotional one and I remember seeing her face
am I that lonely?
Another gender crisis incoming... Bruh I think I look good as a boy
I saw a amab cosplaying as yor forger and he's so beautiful. He looks like when a man and woman have a child XD I always have issues with my body dysphoria. As I stated long before, I feel like I'm stuck inside a trans girl body?!? Omg I'm so scared of offending other
I was born with XX chromosomes but my outer appearance is like a man. I'm not intersex. I have mustache. I have wide shoulders (all thanks to heavy lifting, fuck my life) but unfortunately I'm fucking short. But oh well at least I'm on par with my father lol (my genetic is short apparently) I have androgynous face? I have two experience people calling me a twink. I do think I'm cute. Idk about my behavior. I think I'm gentle and yes, outgoing and carefree. But solely bcs of that, you can't assume other okay? Oh man let me just tell you this, I wanted a short hair so bad. But long hair suit my body type. (I'm insecure asf about my shoulder, long hair makes my shoulder seemingly smaller) But looking at other biological males, short hair is cute. I know I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want but waiting for hair to grow is a long time... Girl you're oneate not 60 yet. You have a wonderful long lifetime of warranty. Well idk when I'm going to die so just enjoy life. But I tried short hair when I was 13 and it looks horrible bcs of my curly hair. (Idk how to take care of my curly hair in the past, I'd brush it everytime lmao, my bad) I guess I'm a bit knowledgeable LMAOOO I think I could pull it off now. Wait. "I saw a amab cosplaying as yor forger and he's so beautiful." So what, dear myself. He looks good both side so am I. He still use the he/him pronounce. I know I'd rock whatever I'm wearing. Ok that's settled. This is why kid, when facing a problem. Talk to other. If you don't have anyone, wrote a diary. In my case, I do wrote on memo note but writing here is such a wild and exciting feeling. Let's just wear whatever. It's just a hair. What if all my hair fallen. Think about it.
Is it normal to feel offended bcs certain someone doesn't understand what tf you want and had the audacity to be like "???" Gurl I asked what I ask. I already specify tf I want. It is so unsettling when it's seems like I'm the problem here. I'm not even that stupid. I asked bcs I'm lazy to search. I can search for it myself but there's a literal free of charge detective here lmao. Alright
I'm sorry for being sensitive, my period is coming ig. "The 3 question marks makes this interaction funny" I'm sorry for being random and weird
...
It's currently 11:16 pm... Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi. Aku lapaq maggi....
Nk makan maggi. Mengindam maggi malam buta
idc what's inside maggi, I resist bcs... I can't eat after 6. Jaga badan la sngt.
I wish to dug myself a hole and bury myself there.
Hana... Have I ever told you about my name? It's such a beautiful name. I picked it myself
it mean a lot of things since Hana is widely used in many cultures. Happiness, flower, joy, bliss, number one etc. my father's name also mean one lmao. I honestly didn't know the meaning at first, I just thought. Hana is so me. My actual name mean friendly. Sure I'm friendly and sociable but have social anxiety for what?
When I get to know Hana mean flower, I was so happy. Hehehehe Hua Cheng mean flower city. We have something common in our name. Flower
I always adore someone name as flower
but sadly can't call me that as I'm not as fragrance as flower lmao jk human is so funny. Hmm bunga. Cik bunga. That's sounds so cute. I have an online friend, her username is bunga and I really thought her name is truly bunga but nope. Lost my chance to call her bunga.
I almost unalived my family today
the root of the problem is my fear of driving at night. Bodola, aku dhlah takut pastu duk tambah lagi trauma. Macam babi. I know my mom hate me. Well not hate since that's sounds heavy. More like dissatisfied with me. Maybe worries. Excessive worries to the point I feel fucking suffocate. She's not protective but her anxiety cause me more fucking anxiety. And satu lagi babi terlepas, adik aku memang babi. Babi butuh sial. I pressed on fuel pedal instead of the fucking break. I WAS WRONG. YES IM FUCKING BLIND BUT AT LEAST HEAR ME OUT. NO! I DIDN'T PLAY AROUND PRANKING YOU MF. IM A PSYCHOPATH IF I WAS TAKING A FUCKING RISK JUST TO SCARED YOU MF. She think I'm playing with the fuel pedal. She think I'm crazy and I also think she's crazy. She also said my car license should get revoked and how tf did I pass from license test. You think I'm suga???!? I'm so heartbroken rn. She said as if I was the world worst driver. If someone else said those to me, idc but she's my mother. Yes, she is worrying about me but the need to say something bad to me? The fact she doesn't comfort me? (I might get addicted to sex bcs I lack my mom's warmth.. I read so many of this case. Solely bcs their childhood is fucked) Oh I know her counterattack, something I sick of hearing, "my mother didn't do that when I was young" SHE KNOW WHAT SHE SHOULD DO BUT SHE DON'T. "This is her first life" SO AM I?!?! Oh god, I'm so disgusted. I'm sorry to the very person that read this. I'm worst out of the worst. Yes, I hate my mother. Yes, I know she deserves a better life. Yes, I know I was born for nothing. Yes, life without me is better. But I also know she CHOOSE MY FATHER EVEN THO THEY ALREADY BREAKUP ONCE, SHE SAID HE MIGHT CHANGE BUT BRUH YOU THINK PEOPLE CHANGE EASILY?!?!! I love my father but as a person, I think he better off as single. My mom deserve someone better, someone that can reassure my mother heart and feeling, the world is healing and so she is. I can't do that to her. I'm bringing my own misfortune to myself. I know I'm causing harm to myself. I know better than everyone else, I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate people. I hate everything. Babi la deep pulak dia masuk.
Is this enough for me to go to the therapy? Everything trigger me. Pyhla hidup when hidup x tenteram. Bila happy, ada ja mai perasaan wow satgi mesti ada benda x elok berlaku. Sikit ii ja terus pikir nk mati. Am I okay? No. Soalan Haram jadah apakah itu
buta la kalau x sedaq ii lagi. Hg tu x okay. Hg tu gila. Mental. Apa semua. Ada hati nk pursue psychology? Pesakit hg lagi bertambah gila. But... I know how they feel so I might help them to be better. I know the feeling of misery. I know the feeling of being alone. FUCK I could open a hospital rn. I hate feeling this way. I hate someone that brings down my spirit. Why tf do you need to do that? I thought love is given and taken? Why so stingy? If someone asks me what I love about my mom I don't have an answer. I'll immediately thought of what she did to me. I hate to be me.
Edit: at first I'm going to talk about two cosplayer couple that have matching septum piercing
but I don't think I will now. Everything is a mess.
Who do I thank now? Thank god or thank me? ... I'll just stick to thank god
I'm super glad I didn't get involved with sh, sex, alcohol and drug. My hyper focus now is piercing. Piercing is body modification aka purposed scar. It's okay. As long as I don't cut myself. It's funny when I think about before. The way I almost cut my thigh, and rational came to mind. It's not that I'd regret it, it's the fact it'd would stay on my body. I'm also suffering from body dysmorphia at that time. Wtf. Why everyone suffered? Why can't we just be happy? Idk about people in heaven.
Who do I feel like I wrote something but it disappears?
Edit: must've click that cancel button instead of submit
Storytime... Today Aug 16 24 is quite the crazy day. My first time driving a car somewhere outside from my town lol without my mom knowing
and the car suddenly breakdown out of nowhere. Thank God there's a motorcyclist nearby to help me
he said to call my parents to fetch me
dude she doesn't even know I'm out, with a literal car. Her car btw. I honestly idk. Why am I so afraid of telling her. The moment I said I want to go out, she show me this disapprove look. She also said why. I don't understand the why bruh. I want to? I can't? Everytime I went out of town, she have this unnecessary worrying vibe. She's not even overprotective of me, she just want to control me. Who am i friend with, where am I going... Oh god I talked about my mom again, need to restraint myself from doing so as it cause me more anger. Back to the car. My first time driving my bestie XD she said I was calmed except for the car show
Usually new driver would be restless lmao.
I just happened to talk about s*icidal topic and suddenly reminded of given... I can't really give out my opinions since I might be the next to go. I read some discussion on Reddit and honestly wowww even tho the mangaka doesn't really show the exact moment mafuyu and yuki fighting or their life together, reader were able to decipher and I think that's amazing. Sure we'll never know what happened exactly since it's only assuming. It was truly amazing. I think I understand them better now and fun fact, I never finish watching given the anime. It was hard for me to watch. I just can't resolved the conflict in my heart. Why and why? I also have the thought, what if he comes back but in reality, that will never happen. I don't really know anymore, it's not like I have some sort of power.
My cousin found my private insta acc
girl I already told you I don't want to follow you cuz that insta is my sole privacy. And yes, I never active on my main account bcs I just simply don't want to. She been bugging me.
I found out something about myself. People saw me as lil shit that sees everything as a good thing. (I could've word it better but idk in English) it's so funny, bcs I suffer everyday but I can't show that to people yk? Not that I'm faking my interaction with them. It's just I think of happy thing. They don't deserve the bear my burden. I'm my own person. Today. I visit some of my friends at their college. (I goes to a different university
) we talked and they were worried about me choosing bad friends as I sees everyone as a good person. Hehe I just copied that. IMHO I think it's okay to think that, sure we should be careful but it's not wrong to be a good person
yes, they worried people would take advantage of me. What a good friends I have
they also thought I couldn't survive there bcs I don't have anyone accompany me. Bruh you think I'm a kid? Yes they'd think that as I acted childish all the time
they made me comfortable asf so should I act tough in front of them? Nope dummy. Idgaf, world can turn upside down and I'll keep laughing with them by my side. It's different if I'm alone tho HAHAHAHA. I'll be the first to accept my fate. What she said still stuck in my head. They thought of me as that happy go lucky person, nothing stood in front of me. Ngl that's kinda sweet although I know myself better than anyone I'm not.
SAPPHICS ARE WINNING THIS YEAR! OH GOD HOW COULD I JUST FOUND OUT BILLIE EILISH WROTE A SAPPHIC SONG'S LUNCH!!!! GIRL THAT'S SO FUCKING COOL. WE'RE WINNING. although idk what's going through Billie's mind but I love her. Hahahahah she's my celebrity crush. She's so fucking cool and sick asf. I know. The whole world is obsessed with her. I know.
Goal for tomorrow and I feel like writing a schedule? Esok nk bangun pagi and try fitting my xie lian's cosplay. From the clothes to the shoes to the hijab styling. My hat still didn't arrive yet. Today is 20 Aug and I got 20 more days till the anime con (and 40 days till my university admission bruh, I'm more excited about the con than the admission) I hope my hat arrived safely. Oh also I bought stuffs from different store. I have to put some charm onto the hat hahaha. The organza fabric around the hat. Gosh I can't wait. I saw xie lian wear three kind of fabric on his body. First the inner, second outer robe and third wide skirt. Since I only bought the outer robe. Need to find solution
I don't have a wide skirt but I have a... Mesh skirt? I also have the slim skirt. Gurl idunno which one should I wear. I want to wear the mesh one but idk where tf I put it. Oh I have to adjust the robe cuz it's too long XD fyi I learned something while sewing the robe to fit my body the other day. It was hilarious. I was like OHHHH THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT #selflearn #flexlmao tomorrow I have to up the robe a bit or I'd step on the fabric. Dhlah kaler putih, habis lingkup. Also I need to wash my shoes. Xie lian wear a long boot looking (idk the name) I don't have that. I'll just wear my shoppe lolita shoes
I thought of wearing high heels since I'm 5f1 tall
but have the shoulder of a man. Bruh what am I? Hmm I just remembered. The belt around his shoulder. I don't know what to do
should I crochet? Or when should I get the material cuz I don't know shit. The blue thing I can crochet but the one in dark beige color.... Ig I'd go but some fabric to work with.... I bought a white satin ribbon to be my ruoyei. Accessories... I want to buy the butterfly clip but I don't want to spend money anymore. Just gonna diy whatever I have at home
I thought of wearing a red string around my finger ( ◜‿◝ )♡ lastly... Hijab. Girllll idkkkk cuz whatever I tried, nothing looks like xie lian. He doesn't have bang... I never saw a hijab stylist shape kinda like his hair. The one that goes around the ear. So hard bruh. I don't want to wear basic style. I want to go further. I want to look presentable LMAO I mean I'm cosplaying for the first time officially. This will be my first step onto the cosplay world. I'll keep researching. Don't forget to wake up early. Mandi awal so x masham your baju.
Update: I woke up early and I sew a bit
idk why my sewing is ugly bruh. Idk what to do. How can I save that robe.
I have this weird habit of overdoing korek telinga
ok like yes my telinga is gatal but it's causing from my telinga darah akibat over korek
bila gatai, rasa nk korek. Aku x boleh ada shit sikit pun. Rasa nk buang. Telinga aku jenis telinga berair... Lagi menjadi la woi
kononnya nk buang cecair tapi dia rasa sedap bila korek. Ntahla weh. Aku rasa cam aku baru korek semalam. I promise myself to only korek once a week but nk tahan 3 hari pun payah.
My xie Lian's hat arrived and now waiting for my organza fabric!! Xie lian became my current fancy.
Rant bcs I can. Rn is 23:42 and I have to go to post office in the morning. I mean I can go in the afternoon but the guilty conscience is forcing me to go in the morning but I also made plan with my friend right in the morning. My parents dunno I'm about to go out. My friend is coming to my house so she can ride with me. My friend know about my relationship with my parents. She also knows I deliberately tried to hide my relationship with other to my parents. They'd threaten me using my friends, who in the world would like that? But I don't want her to bear the burden with me. I mean not entirely. I mean she doesn't have to play along with me just bcs we're friends. She deserves to introduce herself to my parents? Wait no, if you want to be my friend. Respect my decision
I know it's hard but I'll make sure I'll never cross any boundaries or harm you. That's my principle also my back is hurting. I can't help but feel guilty. Why am I torturing myself like this. I did this to protect myself but why do I still feel pain? Tomorrow I hope I wake up early, Amin. My left ribs is trembling in pain
what do I do. Sakit belakang woi. Nk kena lari ka ni. Nk pebetui balik tulang. Sakit uhuk
My almost one month old left earlobe piercing suddenly bleed
I was so scared. I may have frequently touch it as I shouldn't. I just got back from camping trip and river bath? Girl that's sounds weird asf. Aku mandi sungai tadi celup kaki je huhu sedar diri tu tgh period. Anyway, I was touching it and there's scrap, when I see it I realized that's dry blood
pergi tgk cermin and basuh guna air mineral
I know ear has blood vein but did I just accidentally pierced exactly on the blood vein. I mean on the earlobe. It doesn't hurt much. I just can't wait to pierce my helix area
I finally reached the limit of bio... Baru nk cakap pasai don't flirt if you aren't going to committee lol. Thanks for your time. I have a great time writing. Bye<3
Tryna write until I can no more. Why do I feel like this is my final moment lmao I wonder where tf should I write... THIS IS TRAGIC I LOST MY COMFORT PLACE
This is weird, what happened to the emoticon? Why I can still write? What tf just happened? I'm twerking?!?!?
Anyway, ignore the past 3 paragraphs me. Aku tgh tension dua benda. Satu, aku punya diamon pixel x setel ii lagi. Penat gila nyah. Dua, mak aku kena scam. Still x tau org gila tu scammer or an actual police officer. Tapi if it was truly a police officer, I don't think they will asked to show them how much jewelry you have... That just pure bs. If it was home address or current location. That I understand. I heard their conversations.. alright I went through the same shit too before. It was about my phone number. Memang dk la aku nk tukaq my current number. So I kinda believe all their bs. Tapi dlm tgh percaya pun, aku x bagi info penting like my no ic or address. Max pun nama and nom fon. But my mom... Semua dia bagi
(except nom acc bank) Yes, everything
haritu waktu aku kena scam dia cakap jgn percaya kalau bukan pihak polis and now kena kt dia "polis". Memang auto percaya lah
kita tgk esok, apa hal. Lastly, org gila aka polis tu nk gambar mk aku dgn seorang saksi
nk buat apa lah nyah
based on police movie yg aku tgk, they have our data, segala data and muka id. So nk buat apa lagi nyah.
I hate the symphony trend on TikTok
it literally ruin the song... The dolphins and the brainrots... I'm becoming a Karen day by day ( ；∀；) I finally understand people that got mad when a song become trending on TikTok. I used to be weird out why would people hating people for introducing new song although the use for the song is completely different that it intended. I love symphony by clean bandit
Hi been a long time since I last wrote here. Life is boring lately. There's three weeks before I masuk university. Ngl I feel meh. I'm kinda into bl manhwa lol usually I'd avoid it as it's full of fucking angst. Bl manga is different. Most of them are the pure love. They don't really touch the sensitive topic. But bl manhwa... Rape after rape. I want to cut off that rotten dick so bad.
I want to live on the mountain away from the crowded.
Fuck everything, I'll find myself a gf in university
I feel like I finally hit the limit. Oh god AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY I WAS BORN THIS WAY? I WANT A GF SO BAD TF. IM SHAMELESS. ANYONE WILL DO. IF SOMEONE INTERESTED IN ME, PLS TELL ME SO. WE CAN ARRANGE OUR WEDDING THE NEXT DAY IF YOU WANT TO.
It hurt.... My conscience hurt... Fucking hurt... You hurt my feeling. Mother. Is it wrong for me to spend money on something I love? Henna is something temporary. Heck you don't even care about the henna artist. You just want me to stay home. Well going somewhere at night is not recommended but where I'm going is my cousin house in the same town. Not even 1km. She said I didn't respect my cousin time. I can do the henna at Sunday, she said. But I'm not home on Friday, Saturday and Sunday bruh. My pride is hurt. I just want to add some details to my xie lian cosplay. Nobody knows this. I think it's cute since hua Cheng tied a red string aka ring aka ribbon to xie lian. And I want to do that in henna style. Also it's for my personal interest. I always wanted a coquette henna. Why do you have to be a hater? My cousin work during the day so it's only normal for me to go to her house at night. "She needs rest" not when you're getting paid. I'm paying her. With my own money. Earn by me. Why did you say you won't give me your money? I didn't even ask for it. Let me remind you, I remember you drove us to my cousin place just so we could get henna for Eid Mubarak at midnight. Went home at 2am. You think I'm insane for going to her house at 10:30pm or you, going there at 12 am? Fuck me to death, I hate myself and you. You don't want to go there, alright I understand. But don't hurt my feeling. It hurt so much. You did nothing but raised your voice. Your words taunted me. Hell, you are my hell ...end my anger phase, onto the denial phase. Am I dramatic? Did I overreacting? But it hurt sm? Don't blame me if I suddenly- alright bye I'm getting the henna.
Update: FUCKKKKKKKKK IT IS SO CUTEEEEE WHAT THE HELL. IM NOT REGRETTING IT. PEOPLE EVEN COMPLIMENT ME HAHAHAHAHHA the design isn't what I had in mind but as long as I got the ribbon and henna itself, I'm pretty much satisfied.
I think I'm an enabler? Making excuse for someone that did wrong. I do that to myself too but comfort a bit too much to the point I made them believe they're right. Hmm I'm scared
I learned something today. Gender affirming surgery. There's 4 type for ftm and 3 for mtf. It's awesome asf. There's nothing to be shame for someone that didn't have surgery. You are valid as the way you are. Not everyone wanted surgery. Well I do wish I have a natural birth dick but it's okay... I'm not okay. I love androgynous look.
Mannnnnn the anime con in September is tomorrow!!! Honestly can't say I'm excited, bcs I feel like I won't go there. I will but bruh idk. Anyway, my xie lian cosplay isn't ready yet. I still have to adjust the robe but I'm so lazy I feel like the world will stop. How should I cover my waist part... My sewing is messy asf I hate it. Idk if I should go with donghua look or manhua look. Nah I just want to wear the blue belt around his waist. But I don't have the materials
Update: ...it wasn't fun. Alright my bad, I went there wrong timing. Went there when there's nobody... A few cosplayer
not even twenty. I thought maybe hundred... I goes there on first day, on the evening
I'm super glad my first anime con is exciting asf. Maybe I participating there's a lot of people, a lot like thousand. Just like my first anime con. I'll also go tomorrow so we'll see. Today's kinda bummed me out lol. I was super excited to wear my xie lian cosplay when I barely saw people in cosplay. I didn't wear the robe lol I find other alternative, wearing long white gown and yes his hat haha.
Hi. It's been roughly a week and half since I last wrote here. Why does it feel so long haha. I almost finish my university preparation. 80% complete. Ngl I feel shitty asf. I've been thinking whom perspective should make the initiate. Is it me or my family? Do I have to celebrate going into university? Do I have to act pampered with my family? Do my family have to please me while I'm still at home? Also why tf did I think all of this. Just live your life. But I feel bad for not doing anything. My father will (I assume) pay for my university fee. Ofc I'd pay him back when I'm financially stable. I'll never took a student loan. That's my principle in life. I saw a lot of people suffering through student loan and my father's one of them. The thing with my father, he's capable enough to pay it but it was during the 90' and bruh letter missing is normal. You could say the interest keep rising and yes I don't like it. I don't like being tied down. Also yes, I'll buying house, car and other necessities. I think it's better if I paid my father instead of paying the student loan myself. For a young adult like me who is very naive when it comes to the world. I think this is fine. ....tf I was about to talk about my father taunted me using my friend name
I don't like kayaking, I think they're boring. Not the activity but rather my father is the Secretary to the kayak club which means he did all sort of thing except kayaking. And me? Do nothing. I'd rather stay at home reading two men fucked. Well he got mad bcs I've been refusing to come with him every single time
(I did go a few times) usually on the weekend, I'll hangout with my friend over another state and my father kinda yk "you can go out with her, why can't me" aku nk mati sebenarnya, pening la ada bapak macam ni. I feel guilty everytime I went out. Like tf. I have to avoid going somewhere on the weekend and please my father heart. On the weekdays, I have to be careful with my mom. As to be at home when she come back from work. Like tf I can't go out the next day just bcs I already use my out quota??? That doesn't make sense. I have to go out in the morning which I hate. Idk this is what I feel even tho I understand my parents. Fuck idk anymore. I'm hungry. Is that why I'm mad? Lol
Cooked for my family today. It feels weird. In Malaysian cooking, these 4 ingredients are must have. Onion, garlic, cabai melaka, and ginger. Other than these are optional; tomato, turmeric, lemongrass, galangal, lime, herbs and 4 beradik tu x tau nama apa, anyway, my cooking is sedap
I'm funny. I love sss-class suicide hunter mc. Gongja. I love him so much. I literally defend his story everywhere I go. But I realized I can't do that frequently. I remember during serialization, I always have my way with words lol keyboard warrior lah sngt. Gongja and raviel. My favorite parents. X tau nk cakap macam mana, dia lawak in agony?
I'm going to erase my bio cuz it's too cringe. I can't look back at the past. Although that was the reason I started writing her just so I could look at the past. Anyway, rating system is kinda fucked up here. Yes it's a genuine feeling but there's some gems getting buried bcs of small matter when there's an obvious toxic relationship getting 9.5 rating. It's unfair but also fair. Tbh I wouldn't even glance at story below 8.5 rating. It might be shit but I think it's kinda a waste to not give it a try. I rely on review... Idk what I'm cooking here. Bye
Yapping time. Fun fact, I used more muscle on my left side as if I got Botox on my right side lol
Damn I'm thinking of going to salon for curly treatment or tbh I just want to wash this fucking hair. Idk how to handle it. Hard asf, my hair always looking like a shit. Man I'm going to wash my hair myself
on second thought, I'm scared of people. And my money gone~
Thoughts on Mr.Queen? I honestly thought it'd be bl... Didn't watch it yet but I read spoiler. I feel baffled asf. How dare they queer baited me. I look forward to see the king falling in love with bong-hwan. Ok like idc if he's a woman or man or nothing in between. I just want bong-hwan x the king okay? It's feel weird suddenly there's a third party. The king never once glance at the queen before bong-hwan came. Which means the one he's in love with is bong-hwan, not the queen. I feel so bad. Bong-hwan got send to the future back, right? I heard his last moment is when he saw the king got shot? That must feel horrible. Man I don't think I'd ever watch this kdrama... fucking wasting my time. Wait maybe I should. For the sake of my satisfaction.
https://mydramalist.com/profile/WastingMyTime/review/121555Today I received my sijil spm and my cefr certificate and LOLLLLLLL MY WRITING IS TRASH, SOLELY A2 WTFFFFF my speaking and reading are c1 which is great, truly astonishing. I'm proud of myself. My listening is b2 which I kinda expected? I literally can't hear shit, I prefer reading sub than sharpen my listening skill (as I love reading hehe) writing dpt a2 sebab aku sedaq aku main tulis ja time spm. I even include some modern slang CAM BODO SIAL also idgaf about grammar, grammar aku memang ke laut dh. Ykw I think god plan it well that I didn't accepted into tesl... EHY DID I SAID THAT FUCK RUBBING SALT ONTO MY WOUND. I DIDN'T GET IT, THAT'S IT PERIOD STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I dpt A- for English.... Aku x tgk subjek lain dh. Aku harap dkt English ja... Not even A solid but A minus tf. I.... Want A+ even if I don't get any A, I need A+ for English. English is my life. My purpose in life. Baru nk transfer to overseas lol
Day 1 in university... I don't feel good. I'm still on the road so this anxiety of mine need to stfu, we haven't even arrived yet you better watch your doing. I ain't falling to your trick. Babi la mangkat bodo, idk what I'm scared of.
Update: FUCKING HELL I LOVE IT HERE. THANK YOU CIKGU ROSLINA, SHOWING UP MATTER ASF I FEEL MY FACE BRIGHTENING ONCE I SAW YOU. AND MY ROOMMATE IS GOOD TO ME. I DON'T HAVE FRIEND SO WE JUST STICK TOGETHER THE WHOLE TIME. HELL I LOVE IT EVEN THO I STILL HAVE THIS UNCERTAINTY FEELING BUT THAT'S FOR FUTURE ME TO WORRY. I ONLY FOCUS ON THE PRESENT.
I have a bad rollercoaster ride of emotions today. It was bad and good. Bad is I feel left out. I'm the type to be possessive... I get lonely easily. I feel like if I didn't grasp something tightly and let it go. I'll be so sad, and lonely, I hate socialize. Why do I have to drain my energy? But my way of thinking is wrong. I shouldn't think that way. I'm trying to change. I definitely have problems but idk what is it. Wtf is that fuck? Anyway back to reality, the good thing is I met someone. It's like fate haha she's way too good at English
I love it. I never have a friend like that. Completely commit to English even in my country which full of judgmental people. Legit crazy. She doesn't care. She's even into kpop AND ANIME GIRLLLL WTF THE GIRL OF MY DREAM. But she's homophobic... I can tolerate that lol what can I expect in my own country. But still it's her belief and I have my own belief too so it's fine. We all live in simulation. When can I have a gf... Bruh everyone trynna have a bf so bad. So far I made 5 friends (≧▽≦) idk if I should make more tomorrow. It's been 3 day in university. Crazy achievement. But I had a little breakdown in the evening. Damn I feel like shit, nothing. I went nonverbal. It's so fucking draining. I hate that feeling so much. I should only include happiness and positivity in my day. No more sad and anger. I don't need those. I'm kind of amazed and kinda sad as in disappointed. Why do I need to feel that way? And I'm done for today. I seriously thought my roommate is mad at me for being out for so long that she ran away (I came back to our room with no welcome
) but she's not. I'm afraid for nothing. Ko memang selalu pentingkan org. Bila nk put yourself above other pun x taula. But I'll feel nothing if I did that. Too empowering is bad.... Goodnight and sweet dreams
Ok so day 3 in university. I feel kinda overwhelmed rn. Oh god I feel like my roommate is being too much. Sure Idk her and she obviously don't know me but.... I feel like she got jealous too fast? But idk
I'm sleepy gonna update this tomorrow
Day 5 in university. Yes, another rollercoaster of emotions. I literally cried twice today. Girl I don't remember the last time I cried so badly
first it was about my sister. I shouldn't have watched a video of her calling my name so dearly. Second, I missed my first ever classmates gathering
like I should have walk alongside them, sit by them, talking with them. But nope bruh. I fucking missed out and have to sit with another course student. Literally shit feeling. I walked alone. And I skip lunch so that I could run to my bed crying like a fool. It wasn't a river falling but I still cry and that's matter. I feel like a shit. Making friends is hard. I have a few friends but they all have their main friends. Shitty. And then in the evening I spent time with my roommate doing nothing and I feel energized asf. I literally need someone by my side and well understanding of each other. Word can hurt you. It's better to keep quiet. But at the same time, I feel you. I didn't feel homesick at all. I don't feel the need to see my parents or my house or whatever where I'm belong. I just want to be at peace. I don't have to think about making friends. So complicated. Rindu rumah sial. The thing about home is that I know the people there and even if they hurt me, we still have ties that can't be cut unless... Critical moment. Unlike friends. Friends comes and go. I miss my friends. We all scattered around the country but that doesn't make us less closer. Oh god let's sleep
heyoooooo this is my first time writing here using laptop keyboard and its hard asf and i already miss my phone keyboarad. alright i should lefft my typo alone(?) not correcting them. my god i miss my autocorrect machine and WHY TF SHIT IS SO HOT NOE. fucking awkward ngl wrriting slowly isnt my style .i feel trapped oh shit. i wouldve spent a minute on my phone if it wasntz for thus keyboarfd. i wanna write about my day but nuuh with this keyboard but ill try. wht do i write again. ok so university is a scam tf wdym your grade isnt by your test result but rather your relationship with your lecturer. seriously what in the actual fuck? i miss my highschool day already. university is shit. ok like i love the facilities, study, everything but i just dont understand why???? isnt this is just pure bullying and creating people pleasure oh my god, a fucking perfect work slave. ok sure if your writing solely your personality cant- im literally bullshitting rn. enugh about university since its only my day 9 here. i hate the system here. i can see theyre tying t make us indepent and yk leaderhip performance. oh shit but i rther lay at y home. i hate pereassure. dhlah x dpt course yg betui ii nk, terima pun sebab kawan. my god depresi pulak dia. babu weh, ok enough. now about my new friends. damn im literally live commenting rn. lets call them A and B. we were talking as usual and then A said she hate someone with a high pitch voice like a pick me girl, i can accept that but fuck why did B said she hate someone cheerful T_T seriously what tf. ok like maybe that person are just nice by nature. i trust her so why did she said that.... im literally the nucest fool you can find out there. idgaf if you take advantage of me, as long as i have what i need. idc. but still that hurt asf, i shiwed A and B my chat between me and this one person, that person clearly taking advantage of me since im supposedly nice. dmn idk what and how to feel rn. should i change myslef? why wuld i? fuck to those that think that. but oh well i do think my persnality is ass as i always put other before me. but ill lose peopel if i did that. fuck my face is very seerious rn. dang i shoul stop and just read men fucked. lets fucking goooooooooooooooooooooo
Update: I'm actually in a bad mood this morning bcs of what happened yesterday night. But my classmate is good people. I'm not going to be all giddy diddy to them but yk just treat them nice. Ykwim. I'm going to be their classmate for 2 and half years so yeah better be nice to everyone. Ah also I think I'm back to the spiral one. Depression is taking over damn again. I realized I lost all motivation for the past few months
university is the cause. I guess it will slowly fade away as time goes by. Fuck you depression. But I had enough reason to feel this way. But fo I have to continue feeling this way? People say enjoy the present. Idk. Wtf, I rarely crochet nowadays and I'm not even THAT busy YET. Hmmm not reading two men fucked is understandable as I no longer have the privacy to. Kpop... I don't really keep up with the trend but just scrolling on the yt short as my first source of information. Well no matter what I still love txt. And that's it. Oh wait, fuck..... I have to cover my f4 account for upcoming exam test
in a month and half. Also I have to Memorize and recite surah yassin without trial
Um it's day 13 in university and I went home today. Ngl I feel so fucking awkward, so many mixed feeling. I think my guilty conscience is increasing. My god I hate that. I'm scared of making too much promise. Also my roommate is alone rn. My other friend doesn't have much friend. My parents makes me feel gave me attention and Idk how to take it. I want to bathe in the sea. My mom said no. I was supposed to go out with my cousin tomorrow and my friend the next day after tomorrow. I think I feel stress-free in university. I don't have to think so much. I feel stressed out. I feel overwhelmed. I hope it's only for tonight. If it's continue on the next day then I'm fucked. Ig I wouldn't coming home next week or the next. Maybe once a month? Or once per two months? I'm not that homesick person. Ok bye nk tidur.
Hi. Life's been so hectic. Today's mark one month I stepped onto university. I wasn't busy (not yet
) but I don't feel an inch of excitement to read story anymore... I have a lot of free time ngl. But I just can't find myself in that happiness. Uni is fun. But highschool is more fun. Fuck I miss writing here as if there's no tomorrow. So far, I joined debate club and brassband club hehe. Debate is mainly for building my confidence which is actually improving even tho I was on off the club. I actually talked (got chicken out, blank but still complete my sentence). Brassband meetup only once and it was fantastic asf. Rn I have to make video assignment and I'm so lazy
Hi it's week 5/6 I'm here and I feel kinda... Mix feeling. Ngl idk the cause but I want to kms so badly rn. Fucked. But I can't. I paid for my uni fees which is fucking lot also I can't make my roommate the suspect. She's a good girl with a bright futures. Fuck I can't give here nightmare to think about. But I just want to be gone forever. Idk anymore. Making friends is literally shit. Why do I need to understand everything. Why can't I just figured it out. People sauck. Life suck. I want to suck something but that's against my religion. Fuck. I don't have any coping mechanism rn. Crochet, kpop, manhwa, I don't joy anymore. Fuck university. Fuck. Everyone fuck. Uni is messed up. Wdym our grade is solely from our lecturer like our learning meant nothing. Fuck. I can't sleep. I want to go solo everywhere but people eyes are fucking judging. I can buf if I did that, what if my friend think I don't need them anymore. I do need but if you said like you don't feel like it. No. I don't want you to go with my flow only. I want you to think I need you as well. Fuck like. Ask me to accompany you. Ask me about my day. Don't make me your store room. I always dreaming of stabbing- wait that's super personal dang I don't think I should continue writing. Fuck. I joined club so I can indulge myself in happiness not misery. Fuck. I thought... I just can't fit in. With the man. Gay man but whatever you say Eric. Fuckkkkk I'm sacred of being too close and I have to share my burden with them and becoming their burden bcs I can't do well in debate club. Fuck like literally fuck. I keep thinking about that. Fuck. I'm not good with big circle. I can perform well in crowded bcs they literally don't know me. But if I have to open my mouth and getting know them? No. I hate it to the cire. Fuck.
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Can someone spoil me? I read until ch2 and I don't understand anything (I know I should stick to the very end to understand but) pls feel free to spoil me (づ￣ ³￣)づ
Except about his past