Hell's Favorite

So.. As a psychology student I'm gonna try to dissect and make sense of what Sangwoo means by saying "I win" at the end of Chapter 38.

If you look at the scene when they are on the rollarcoaster and Sangwoo asks Bum to give him the frog because his pockets are too small for him to keep, I think he was actually going to throw it away IF Bum did give it to him. (Same as the picture) Why? Well as many of you guys can guess, it's probably because Sangwoo doesn't want to admit something. This is the beginning of his tethering of the feeling of 'guilt.' OR more specifically, his acknowledgement and rising awareness of the reality of his 'humanity'.

Anyways, when Sangwoo offers to take the frog that Bum had 'lost' before, away, Bum tells Sangwoo "It's okay, I'm sure I won't lose it this time." Proceeding with Bum's lovely face that actually looks genuinely happy for the first time. (Probably and possibly since the first time he was born ;-;) This leads to the panel of Sangwoo being silent, turned away from the audience, his expression hidden, as he just silently stares at bum. (pg. 53) This is the moment when it strikes him. He feels 'guilty'. Then he proceeds to respond with, "yeah, you're right. Don't trust me. I'll only hurt you, over and over and over...." to which Bum doesn't hear, because it wasn't actually meant for Bum, it was meant for himself.

In my analysis, I believe the more time he spends with Bum, the more he is becoming vulnerable; human. And this arc was the first time he realized and became aware of it. Previously, throughout most of him and Bum's interaction, whenever Sangwoo would display some sort of 'caring' act to Bum, it was for one or two reasons. For one, he was in a state of disassociation where it wasn't really 'him' that was reaching out to meet the affection of Bum, but either an "act" or a psychotic episode of traumatic 'disassociation.' Two, he had an alternative motive, and or reason to display his 'act' of kindness, just a way to play the game to get to another goal.

However in this chapter, when they go out for the first time, he had no ulterior motive. It literally was just to have a good time. Thus, when Sangwoo sees for the first time how genuinely happy Bum is BECAUSE of him, he feels a pang of 'guilt'. So when Bum refuses to give Sangwoo the frog, Sangwoo takes out the picture they took and flies it into the air, intending to throw it away, let it go because that's how it's supposed to be. He is a killer. He has no emotional attachment. This moment was supposed to symbolize and discredit all of his kind 'acts' as being just that. An 'act'. However, when he turns to meet Bum's most heartfelt genuinely happy expression, saying "It feels so good when I scream," Sangwoo can't. He can't let it go. At the moment, on the last panel of CH37, Sangwoo's expression freezes. For a moment, he is agasp. Before quickly returning to his usual 'act' and just dismisses this internal faulty of self denial and confusion.

And you see, his fast recovery is what makes this even scarier than it actually is. Because why? well, continuing onto Ch 38, Sangwoo seems to be much more affectionate and 'kinder' than he usually is. Thing is, this is both him and not.

In a sense, Sangwoo is trying to prove to himself that he can still play the 'act' of doing nice things and being kind and 'genuine' to Bum without actually 'feeling' it. He wants to prove to himself that he hasn't changed. That Bum hasn't changed him and made him more 'human.' He wants to prove that he can still be as dispassionate and cruel and unempathetic as he should be. That he can pull himself out of his situation in 'playing' with Bum any time and in any way, when he wants to. However, in Ch 38. after having sex with Bum, he throws up and looks defeated with a 'I win.' Basically I think he is in self-denial but he knows this and in FINALLY addressing and realizing the growing emotion and 'humanity' within him and plucking it out, killing it, crushing it, before it became too late, he announces it as a 'win.'