toastyBooksAndTea's Things

Anyone else's household similar to mine? I've lived in maaany places but I've never heard quite like what comes out of my house. There is screaming almost every day. Like, scream fighting. And they are usually hurtful and weaponized and trying to put the other down, trying to blame someone else, recently (past, like 3-4 years) there has also been name calling that's been added to the mix, and that's always fun (it isn't though). It hurts, it's exhausting, it's demotivating (on purpose because they want to make the other feel bad), it's downright vicious, it is constant, any movement I make if I am not doing what they want me to do then the screaming resumes for like another 15 mins. And I am not innocent, I scream back, but I mostly stay stop, stop talking, why are you being this vicious, just shut up and try to get some of the blame off my shoulders because if I listen to what they say I would have no other existence but to dwell on past mistakes obsessively and I was like that at one point but that hurt too much to function so I had to change my thinking. And I have fucked up so yeah I should get screamed at (dropping a course a semester because I was too anxious to actually do it) etc but the intensity of the screaming is insane. There is always screaming, there is always real mean shit being thrown around and this screaming can be heard outside everywhere, frankly it's embarrassing. An ongoing joke/actually serious discussion is that someone is going to call the cops on us at some point, in our previous place we did get a letter telling us to quite it down because they need to wake up in the morning (fights usually begin and escalate at 10pm to 4am). My brother comes home and like outside our window, a bit far away he's like "'you guys are fighting again? I can hear you from 10 ft outside the house," This one time we were having a fight and a classmate who lives below got worried and texted me to ask if everything is okay and I was sooooo embarrassed but I was like yeah, everything is fine. The thing is, I haven't heard such incessant and mean fighting from any other place near me, even when we were living in an apartment, not one apt would fight this hard and consistently every night and we were sure they could hear us but we didn't care during the fighting because that's how pissed we were. I just breakdown crying a lot during fights because of how mean and vicious it gets but I keep fighting still because I am STILL SO FUCKING PISSED, so, I just want to know, how is your family dynamic? Is it anything like mine? Different? What is it like? Do you guys have more healthy conversations? Sorry for the long ass question loooool

Am I the only one who feels like the don't fit in with either the 90's kids or the younger 2000's kids or identify with the millenials or Gen Z?? I feel like I am super in between and it's kinda weird, too young to use facebook, low key too old to use tiktok, WHAT AM I, WHY AM I JUST KINDA CHILLING ON INSTAGRAM????????????????????? I don't identify with either, HALP