Gray's Things

Me and my friend first met when we were in 6th grade and I didn't feel attracted/connected to her until 7th grade until something happen to make that emotional connection. After that I wanted to learn everything I could learn about her and spenting time with her nearly all the time. I was really jealous of the people who got close to her too. I was pretty dense too I only named what I was feeling after reading a manga about some unrequired love and by how that character behaved I thought what I was feeling at that time was actually love.
After naming my feeling, I was overwhelmed and start to feel depressed because they was no way that she loved me as well. So I wanted to confess to her and get rid of this feeling but I couldn't find the courage.
I also started to question if I was really in love. The reason being my heart doesn't make badump or I don't get butterflies. There are times I look at her and smile like I'm an idiot. I feel really relaxed around her like I can open up my really self and she won't be disgust. I feel like all my heavy emotions disaapear when I see her too. I also hurt or act badly to some people that get close to her because I was jealous of their relationship.
I don't know if I admire her as a friend or love her romantically as a partner?! I feel like I'm more confused now after naming what that feeling is.
I don't feel like I'm close to her anymore and I'm starting feel like there are lots of things I don't know about her too.My jealously also kind a died down a lot even tough there is still a little left. I actually choose to go to a different uni because I didn't want to get jealous others or hurt people who got close to her. It just seems like this backfired since I think her nearly all the time.
I'm becaming unsure of my feelings. I feel like not seeing her for so long made the emotional connection I felt get thinner. Now I just wanna know if this feeling is love or admiration I felt for her and what can I do next if it's love.