beta
I decided to rewrite this, because yesterday's late-night attempt did not do my feelings justice. I passionately need to get this off my chest; In the face of this seemingly generic BL story, I found my heart beating with excitement and embarrassment. Apparently it's not so generic to me.
That's because I am really invested in this toxic dynamic, and every other, really. Obviously, I didn't wake up one day and decided to salivate over unhealthy relationships, attitudes and behaviours; When it's all you've essentially known, it becomes an addictive source of comfort, both liberating and enslaving for anxiously attached individuals, due to this triggering display of affection: inconsistency and extremity. I wish to keep track of my ever changing thoughts.
I've come to realise late that I can only find the ideal traits I look for in a manic man. This bastard of a male lead is so ingenuinely and deceptively alluring in my eyes. Not necessarily due to his assertiveness, but because he knows when to apply pressure and initiative really naturally. He is confident and certain of himself, cocky, competitive and petty. His hidden motives, occasional grotesque choice of words, willful submission, misleading sweetness, and most importantly; The possibility that he possesses the drive to push someone to the edge and eventually lead them to their death is so attractive to me. In an unconventional way, because it reveals the spirit of a non-conformist, an interest towards that which goes beyond normalcy and the collectively compromised moral boundary.
It's not just the traits I am fond of, I believe his short temper and narcissistic, derogatory know-it-all attitude bring so much depth into his and Haewon's (MC's) twisted relationship too. In this sense, I can say that a good and satisfactory love is one which stimulates the most conflicting and difficult emotions to face. One which leaves you yearning, devastated, doubtful; One which, no matter how genuine it appears, possesses secrets to be uncovered and confronted. It keeps you on the edge, constantly limerent. And such a love inspires self discovery and introspection, it cultivates situational awareness and a grasp of various social cues, it challenges the boundaries and limitations of your feelings, tolerance and sanity.
As much as I like to deny it, you do only become closely acquainted with someone once they're near destruction, at their most vulnerable. That's why I was enthralled when Haewon acknowledged the untrustworthy mysticism surrounding Wujin (ML), yet decided to condone his own attraction and play into a dangerous love, aware that he's going to bear the consequences of his own feelings eventually. And I actually quite like and relate to him. His "whatever makes me feel best, idgaf" approach to life, his distanced demeanour before the world, the way he selects whoever to be influenced by, the dilemmas he faces regarding the concept of death and the comfort he finds within solitude. When he clocked Wujin in that initial car scene, I was satisfied for life, LOL.
I think both of the leading characters have got good depth. Haewon's attraction to Wujin is no longer superficial, but scented by the grief and guilt he feels about Taeshin's ("friend's") death, despite his attempts to detach himself from it. I suspect Wujin to be a subcategory of a clinically diagnosed psychopath, or, at least that's what I hope he is. That would explain why an attorney like him speaks in such a vulgar way towards his clients and opponents, despite the relative discipline he must have been provided with in his master's degree. Why he slips up and reveals how little he thinks of grape (Haewon's damage to the perpetrator cannot provide a viable basis for a charge of attempted homicide, just his deception can, ascertained by my forensics professor — I think Wujin was only frightening Haewon to instil a sense of dependency within him). Otherwise, he'd just be a pathetic bitchass hoe, and I'd dislike that. It's nice to take a step back and analyse a story sometimes. You'd be surprised just by how deep it can turn out to be.