isnogood's Topics (2)

I decided to rewrite this, because yesterday's late-night attempt did not do my feelings justice. I passionately need to get this off my chest; In the face of this seemingly generic BL story, I found my heart beating with excitement and embarrassment. Apparently it's not so generic to me.

That's because I am really invested in this toxic dynamic, and every other, really. Obviously, I didn't wake up one day and decided to salivate over unhealthy relationships, attitudes and behaviours; When it's all you've essentially known, it becomes an addictive source of comfort, both liberating and enslaving for anxiously attached individuals, due to this triggering display of affection: inconsistency and extremity. I wish to keep track of my ever changing thoughts.

I've come to realise late that I can only find the ideal traits I look for in a manic man. This bastard of a male lead is so ingenuinely and deceptively alluring in my eyes. Not necessarily due to his assertiveness, but because he knows when to apply pressure and initiative really naturally. He is confident and certain of himself, cocky, competitive and petty. His hidden motives, occasional grotesque choice of words, willful submission, misleading sweetness, and most importantly; The possibility that he possesses the drive to push someone to the edge and eventually lead them to their death is so attractive to me. In an unconventional way, because it reveals the spirit of a non-conformist, an interest towards that which goes beyond normalcy and the collectively compromised moral boundary.

It's not just the traits I am fond of, I believe his short temper and narcissistic, derogatory know-it-all attitude bring so much depth into his and Haewon's (MC's) twisted relationship too. In this sense, I can say that a good and satisfactory love is one which stimulates the most conflicting and difficult emotions to face. One which leaves you yearning, devastated, doubtful; One which, no matter how genuine it appears, possesses secrets to be uncovered and confronted. It keeps you on the edge, constantly limerent. And such a love inspires self discovery and introspection, it cultivates situational awareness and a grasp of various social cues, it challenges the boundaries and limitations of your feelings, tolerance and sanity.

As much as I like to deny it, you do only become closely acquainted with someone once they're near destruction, at their most vulnerable. That's why I was enthralled when Haewon acknowledged the untrustworthy mysticism surrounding Wujin (ML), yet decided to condone his own attraction and play into a dangerous love, aware that he's going to bear the consequences of his own feelings eventually. And I actually quite like and relate to him. His "whatever makes me feel best, idgaf" approach to life, his distanced demeanour before the world, the way he selects whoever to be influenced by, the dilemmas he faces regarding the concept of death and the comfort he finds within solitude. When he clocked Wujin in that initial car scene, I was satisfied for life, LOL.

I think both of the leading characters have got good depth. Haewon's attraction to Wujin is no longer superficial, but scented by the grief and guilt he feels about Taeshin's ("friend's") death, despite his attempts to detach himself from it. I suspect Wujin to be a subcategory of a clinically diagnosed psychopath, or, at least that's what I hope he is. That would explain why an attorney like him speaks in such a vulgar way towards his clients and opponents, despite the relative discipline he must have been provided with in his master's degree. Why he slips up and reveals how little he thinks of grape (Haewon's damage to the perpetrator cannot provide a viable basis for a charge of attempted homicide, just his deception can, ascertained by my forensics professor — I think Wujin was only frightening Haewon to instil a sense of dependency within him). Otherwise, he'd just be a pathetic bitchass hoe, and I'd dislike that. It's nice to take a step back and analyse a story sometimes. You'd be surprised just by how deep it can turn out to be.

I believe that amidst the wave of contrasting emotions we experience while reading a story, we totally override a few core values. So I wish to share a difficult reminder, or maybe a novel perspective. Do spare me three minutes of your time.

With all due respect, you bunch are trying so painstakingly hard to be relevant in someone else's story (for whatever reason), that you forget the protagonist isn't you. Rather, they are their own, with their own emotional baggage, wordly perception, trauma, their own pace of navigating through life and, consequently, their own way of combatting their reality's challenges. Yet, instead of thoroughly observing, analyzing and inquiring about the reason driving their behaviour, you choose to be critical of it, because it doesn't align with your ideal perception. To me, you seem like perfectionistic visionaries, who subconsciously impose your vision on someone beyond yourselves. And for me, this is peak egoism and self-absorption. Not that you can't own it.

In fact, you are so preoccupied by projecting what you perhaps can't yet accomplish, that you disrespect the character's own journey towards their respective healing. Dan's journey is something to be proud of, not intolerant of. It entails faults and feats which comprise the raw image of his psyche, and yet you dehumanise him by critisising every decision he's made for himself because they don't pertain to your likings. In other words, who do you think you are to have the right to a say over somebody's life? To believe that they should act according to your preference? Honestly, your attitude towards fiction is the reflection of your ego, in Freudian terms, and it depicts your behaviour towards every worldly incident, human exchange and each human psyche, including your own.

How about you look at the characters, not through the lenses of your own coloured perception, but for who they are? To look at the gravity the unfolded events actually hold over their emotions, and not however much you think these events should affect them. For reference, it is always "Dan is not initiative enough" and "Jaekyung hasn't suffered enough". But in my eyes, all I have seen is not a wimp and an aggressor, but two protagonists both of whom have been suffering from the very beginning. And they really may not be that different from each other after all, hence why they are attracted to one another.

It's difficult to free ourselves from the binds of our selfish emotions, I am working on it. I think Jinx would be a great story if not for the excessive romanticised grape. Stories like these are made to challenge the boundaries of your attachment too, to urge you to reconsider the contrast within your values and the character's, to distinguish the boundaries between your influence over someone and the right they've got to themselves. Once you stop trying to relate to every character, and decentre yourself from the plotline (not entirely ofc, you still have the right to express dismay and disagreement!), perhaps you'll begin enjoying ambiguous stories a little more.