Dahee's Things

My bf found out cus i forgot he was also in mggo sometimes and apparently been active in the forums these days and told me that he doesn't rlly consider it as cheating and more of the fact I got taken advantage of. He hugged me and told me it was alright and that he understands which made me cry cus I was so scared of it for so long and never opened up about it. He said sorry for making me feel like that that I felt like I should've been in a coercive relationship just cus i didnt wanna betray him. I promise to also drink responsibly from now on and take someone with me because I didn't realise the danger i would have in a bar. I know I'm a bad person for having said some shitty stuff to people in the past and what i went through is no excuse. I'm trying to get myself better from it by healing from my own traumas and accepting the fact I was just a victim and what my ex told me wasn't true.

I'm sorry if my story wasn't clear, it happened over a year ago and I tried to fill some gaps of the story as I've tried to block it from my memory bec I just wanted to spend the time with my bf both healthy as that's probably what my ex friends would have wanted for me. Thanks to people telling me I was indeed infact a victim, and to other ones telling me it was still cheating because the fact I still liked my ex while on a relationship. I've learned now to treat my bf better. He's already known that I still liked my ex since forever apparently but he didn't mind as he admitted maybe he pursued me too early. He forgaved me for alot of things too bec all he just wanted was for me to speak up to him abt these things.

I feel rlly guilty with how way too kind he is and supportive of me but in the same way I feel abit loved as a person more and I know my wrong doings and how much he absolutely deserves someone way better than me. Yet he's willing to try to help me become a better person telling me.
"3 years ago, you decided to hear me out and gave me a 2nd chance because you believed I had good in me. I want to do the same for you and get your spark back." honestly just cried after he said that to me and I still can't forget about it.

So uh this is abit NSFW and I'll put a TW just incase but I've ranted before to ppl that I felt like a cheater for kissing someone else while I was drunk thinking it was my bf but it's actually my obsessive ex. Thing is... It didn't stop at just kissing but it went on that other level AKA sex. I've seen in tiktoks that "even if I was drunk I wouldn't mistake my lover for someone else" but I genuinely thought it was my bf cus I literally got drunk cus I missed him so badly and my love language is physical touch + quality time. Now my bf forgave me for the kissing part but I'm now thinking of adding more details... I feel guilty. I'm so afraid to tell more details cus tbh I did like the sex but when I learned it was my ex I felt disgusted. Abit conflicted cus i still had feelings for my ex at that time like what if it isn't because I missed my bf what if its because the fact I liked him. I don't rlly remember anything from that night I blacked out drunk and I just woke up feeling the worst person on earth.

People don't really talk about the down sides of this, how it can badly affect your relationships entirely. It's not that im excusing a bad behaviour just cus "I was going through alot" or that I want people to pity on me but I wanna be understood.

I was at my breaking point this year, I moved to a new country far away from the only person I felt safe with. My bf. I didn't wanna go back to that place because I had an obsessive ex in that country. One time when I was drunk cus I missed my bf so badly I mistakenly had kiss someone that i thought was my bf then it was my ex. Then since that kiss, I was so fucking afraid he'd tell everyone. I was so afraid ppl would call me a cheater and a sl#t for it. I had to get him to shut up about it but he wanted me to get back with him or else he'd tell I was a cheater. Then I was trapped in that relationship, did things I didn't like at all... I felt more and more shitty each day so when I came back for a month in my hometown, I begged my bf to come with me even though he was busy. Out of desperation to get the hands off my body and memories, I wanted him to erase it.

We fought then to solve the fight I forced myself on him cus I thought he was like *him* for a sec. He ofc defended himself but I ranted to my friends he was the bad guy. Then I got mad cus my friends started to talk bad abt him and I just don't know I got so frustrated.

I don't know what else happened after that I just remember freaking bad memories except for the fact my bf tried to comfort me but yet I was still treating him badly. I started to mix him up with my ex who was still forcing me that time. I couldn't think of any positive shit, it all just ends up in everyone leaving me so I got tired and just like fine go leave but it hurts so much. I miss everyone. I miss my old self who was all abt positivity and relationships before I dumbly let myself get into an abusive relationship. I want the old times so badly and wished that I didn't became so hateful.