beta
As an asexual and an (in-denial) aro person with similar trauma it's so... Man I don't even know what to say. I think I pushed away the idea of reading this from the synopsis bc I was afraid it would trigger me or something. It hasn't! And I'm still able to empathize with Mc with a healthy distance, which means I'm not being triggered just because I've emotionally blocked myself off.
At this point, at chapter 24, I'm more concerned with the idea that existing in heteronormative spaces as an aro/ace person becomes an emotional wound that people (sometimes even I) brush off. Add on top of that the belated awakening to being aro/ace. People, even if they're coming from a place of good intent, can be very dismissive. It's been, thus far, a very alienating life experience. Lol
Edit: Noyeol confirms he's ace. Noa, Boguk, and Sujo seem to agree? But after finishing the story, I'd say between aromanticism and asexuality, the former was a bigger issue for Hyung. And I felt that. In a way I still haven't accepted I am aro bc of my idea of the way the world should be. Was my idea of the way the world /a person should be imposed upon me? Probably? Is it something I've made my own because I haven't accepted myself? Probably, yes. Do I still insist on it? Also, yes.
Anyway, onto the story:
This is a story bigger than trauma, bigger than abuse. Hyung always had this coming for him, not the kidnapping, not the rape, but the undoing of one's own world to build a new one. Not minimizing the trauma that Noyeol's crime had caused, but taking some distance and looking at it from a bigger perspective, it was what essentially triggered Hyung to make necessary changes in his life. Does that make the rape/kidnapping necessary? Of course not.
This to me is a story about breaking the illusion. The illusion being the front we put on, whether to fulfill an expectation (by the society, our family, or our own self), or to belong in a world we made up out of fear, comfort, or loneliness. That illusion is constant with all of the characters, sujo was trying to fill up the shoes of the good son, boguk was making himself small/not acting on his desires so he could remain a "victim", noa was trying to build a "stable" life, noyeol was trying to be hyung's savior out of his supposed love for hyung, and hyung was just trying to belong to the same world as others, not seeking to dig deep within himself even if he felt different, and I'm guessing it's because of his fear of abandonment. Boy was willing to go with his abuser because he was the only one who "needed" him alone.
Gosh I want to expound on this thought but I keep losing the words. Maybe later.
Edit: Noyeol was an illusion to Hyung. Noyeol, the younger brother of his girlfriend, Noyeol the helpless child whom Hyung could play hero to, Noyeol who kidnapped and raped Hyung, Noyeol whom Hyung risked his life for, Noyeol whom Hyung had plans on staying with.
I think it's safe to say I've come to the same conclusions dealing with my personal trauma. The betrayal lingered the longest. "How could they have done that to me? I was kind/loyal/generous/insert positive adjective here, etc/ to them! How could they throw away years-worth of bond/fondness/trust/etc. and betray me like that?" There were a lot of those. A lot of trying to understand WHY. Because it doesn't make sense. And, even if you try to become the bigger person while seeking answers, putting yourself in the shoes of the person who did what to you, at the end of the day, it still wouldn't make sense. You're only trying to come up with reasons why you deserved what was done to you. At the end of the day, it wouldn't make sense because there's no sensible reason to hurt another person like that, no sensible reason for someone to go through the physical torture, and then the agony that follows thereafter.
And because it was done by someone you knew, someone you cared about, someone you were fond of, you're not only pushed to move away from that trauma, but also from that person himself, and most importantly, from yourself as well...the you who shared a time with that person... I personally made a lot of progress realizing that what I was grieving wasn't the relationship that got destroyed after the fact but rather the old version of me who was innocent, hopeful, trusting, loving, open.
In the same sense for hyung, he attached a lot lot his identity on Noyeo, perhaps more than he realized. And having to completely erase Noyeol's existence for that one thing he did seemed like such a loss...after all, to Hyung, those times with Noyeol were probably some of the best times of his life, or were some of the times when he felt the most sense of belonging. He had to let go of all that Noyeol was to him, all the HE was to Noyeol and HIMSELF, so he could start again.