Anachan's Things

What is it that you feel when you first see a Yaoi manga? Reading for over 5 years and having it as my most favourite hobby since, I do it every day for many hours. Nowadays my reading Yaois has becone like...first I see the art, and guess who's gonna be the uke and the seme, read a bit to find out if its worth my time, and if it turns out good then continue on reading it. But lately I've had this feeling that for any Yaoi manga that I truly like or expect much from, I can't help but wish the uke and seme to turn out to my own preference. If that does not happen I really become depressed and can't focus on my actual job in my day-to-day life. I can't find the reason why I'm so obsessed with the position. It's like having preference is fine but be so obsessed to go as far as to be depressed?! I don't really understand my feelings anymore. Has this happened to any of you before? Do you know how I can get out? The only solution I have at hand is to leave Yaoi for good which Ive been hoping to do for a long time but just can't do it. I can't change my mind either. Like this I'm becoming more and more depressed. I can't talk about these feelings since nobody else will understand. If you can plese, please help me. I dying inside not knowing what's going on with my mind.