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Lemon Cutie asked question about writing

so i was writing a little something, its just a little thing that i was plannin gn writing for a while but haven't gotten to it. I want advice and feedback on what i wrote so i cam improve. Its a little lengthy but i have these 2 chapters Chapter One; The Awakening Bzzzzzzzzzzzz. A sound rang throughout a room, a normal thing for Number 12. Eve......