beta
CW: suicide attempts/ suicidal ideation
Hi, this story just filled me with feelings and I needed let that out some way, and why write in a diary when I could instead post it as a comment underneath a manga…
I was 11 when my sister tried to kill herself. She didn’t, but she spent years after that teetering on the edge. (She’s good now, she’s in therapy and she doesn’t go to that “place” as often). And I was 20 when my mom tried to kill herself, and when she failed she took off, wanting to disappear and never see us again. My dad found her and my mom has also now spent years in therapy. She promises me that she will never “try” again. And I myself have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now too. I never tried anything though, because I remember the pain from with my sister and mother. I think that’s the only reason I held on. I didn’t want to put them through those same feelings. The scene in the manga when the guy tells the other guy (sorry I’m terrible with names) that he had almost killed himself made me hurt so much inside. Something about the way the author handled his expressions felt so real, I could feel those feelings all over again. It’s a truly horrendous thing, to hold a loved one close as they tell you that they don’t want to live. That you can hug them right now, only because they decided to stay. You came so close to losing a person you love so much, and you didn’t even know until they told you. It’s a pain I couldn’t give to my loved ones. I also don’t want it to sound like I blame people who have tried to kill themselves or have gone through with it. Like I said, I’ve been in that same spot. I know all too well the cost to keep living. I’m just also saying that I decided to stay alive because I didn’t want to cause others pain.
Oh wow, that was a lot to just drop on someone reading this, but I needed to get it out. And I hope someone reading this, who has been through similar situations, finds some relief knowing you aren’t alone.