beta
no one will see this anyway, and i dont know if this might get my account banned cause i literally dont know where this shit is gonna pop out. i just really need to get this out of my chest, you know? i have friends but none that i could really pour my heart out to.
i feel lonely. im here on mgg ranting my heart out cause i dont have anyone. maybe someone like me is in a similar situation. lol. im just here because this is where i can be totally myself. reading on this illegal site is my therapy and i literally dont know what i'd do if this place were to permanently disappear. i just really want to trauma dump somewhere and leave a mark. i dont want to do it on reddit bc making a throwaway account is useless. i want to rant somewhere that i can truly fit in; somewhere that i know im speaking as myself and not some random degen online. you can actually see my preferences and hobbies here based on my lists and all so it feels like me.
i was one of those kids that had unrestricted internet access. i hung out on an app called chatgum and roleplayed as a fucking catgirl at 8 years old. you had to be 13 to be there though. i was looking for friends that i can talk fnaf with, so i looked up fnaf chat on playstore and there was one. if i were to explain it, it was like a subsidiary app (?) to the main app which is chatgum, but fnaf chat app is just one of the many channels (?) and the app itself had a shit ton of ads so i had to download the main app. i hung out there during free time. learned what a dildo is. learned about sex. shit like that. i didn't tell them that i was a kid. i feel like they knew though. no, they definitely knew. why else would 20+ yearolds flock to my dms teaching me how to soc? but i knew that it was wrong so i just laughed it off. did weird shit. to me it felt like i was just messing with them. trolling. downloaded kik and moved there cause CG was getting boring and stricter with the fluctuation of mods. kik was a haven for 11 year old me. i was doing roleplay sex with different 13year olds all at the same time. there were a few older dudes that i knew were groomers and i even turned a few mid20s guys into pedos iirc. i only ever sent a photo of my arms crossed and acted like it was my pussy. they believed me. i was crazy, literally. but it was fun. can i sing miley cyrus' used to be young now? ┑(￣Д ￣)┍
anyway, i never got into AO3 but i did get into webtoons because of one guy on kik that introduced me to it. it then turned into a rabbithole of me loving yaoi mostly, but i love anything that is slutty and dirty. i dont like those straight shitty smut with ugly mcs though, the ones with obnoxious, shiny art style where the women are all sluts for this one guy. i also love action, fantasy, etc. it started with noblesse. lol. it was fun. my midschool and highschool years was basically just me fucking around online, reading. i dont look like a fucked up twat irl though.
irl im one of those "gifted kids" that burnt out. fuck, it was my only personality. it was the core of my identity. i never had to work hard to get high grades. i won academic contests here and there and even graduated as one of the top students in class. but yeah, i never learned how to actually study. i didnt know how to learn. i still dont. even if now im in 2nd year of medschool. i never had to work hard and now that i have to work hard i am under crippling depression and suicidal ideation. i realized that im not all that smart afterall, i was just lucky back then. now consequences have come to bite me in the ass. i hate that people still think that im smart and put together when im actually on the verge of breaking down. i cant show them that im vulnerable because i did that once and called me obnoxious. i want to disappear so much. i know what i should do but i just cant bring myself to do it. i'd rather die.
maybe that's why i love reading regression/possession/system manhwas the most. the mcs work hard to achieve their goals and they have this just sheer willpower to keep fighting. they have a purpose in life that they know they have to achieve even if the future seems bleak. i have those too, a goal that i have to achieve. why cant i do it? why cant i do it like sungjinwoo or like kimdokja? their life is much more miserable than mine. what am i doing wrong? it's either success or death for me as well but why is it that i don't even want to fight? why do they keep fighting? i have important people in my life as well. i think i love myself a lot too. why can't i be that op mc? it's not like i can regress to back when i was a baby. this is fucking reality. maybe this is why i have an unhealthy relationship with mangago. i keep coming back here even though i know it's distracting me from what i should do. i've already read all of the updates of the stories that i like, so why am i looking for more to read even though i know i should get my shit together?
i still dont know why i cant do it, but i know that i can. not now, maybe later when i wake up from a good nap. i've been sleeping too much recently, you know? when i wake up im still stressed though. it's exam season afterall and im severely behind on anatomy, physiology, and embryology. lol. i'll get through this and i know it. i'll just to better next time and actually prepare.
but hey, ngl. it's the loneliness that hurts the most. i wish there was someone so similar to me that i cant help but be better with them. i want to have someone whose presence is enough to make me feel great. someone whose rich with a huge dick and sweet and kind and loving and smart and talented that will fuck me senseless so that i can stop thinking for a while about reality. lol. but hey, whatever. maybe it will be better next week.
i hope someday i'll come back here and read what i said then say, fuck girlie you've done so well. as of now, i'm just gonna take a nap and wish for the best. actually try to work and emulate the kind of mcs that i love the most.
thank you, mgg. really. you're my salvation.