hi, i know i'm just a complete stranger to all of you but i just wanna share the story of my life. all my life, i really resent my mother and if you're wondering why, it's because she's the most toxic person i ever know, not only that, she's strict, close-mind, hypocrite, hysterical and since i was a child, she's been mentally abusing me, telling me that her "ways" of taking care of me were for the sake of protecting and that i'm just a child and there's nothing i could do about it since "she's much superior" than me. all of my siblings had left the house since they were old enough and they couldn't stand my mother so technically i was the one left with my mom and dad. even if my siblings would get me, my parents wouldn't let me since i was "still young". they can't do anything to help me because my mother won't let them because she's "protecting" me and that she's my mother and i should obey her.
as for my dad, they're just the same but my mother is much worser. i tried to reach out and opened up to her saying that i have anxiety and depression but she just shrugged it off and thought of it as a waste of time and that i was just over reacting and blamed me for acting this way. i have anorexia since when i was young, i was thin to begin with and then my mother started reprimanding me that i should eat more and so i became fat but when i became fat, she started tormenting me and telling me that i should eat less because my weight is hideous where in fact, i was doing it for her to be satisfied. because of that, i started to starve myself to the point that when i was in grade 6, i didn't ate anything except drinking water to the point where my body couldn't accept any food that i ate but luckily, i overcame it and started eating again but i still have anorexia. i also had suicidal thoughts but i shrugged it off because i still believe that i have something to live for. eventually, i had my first boyfriend----of course, i introduced my boyfriend to my mother and she immediately said that she didn't like the idea of me being in a relationship and she doesn't like the guy i'm dating because he comes from a broken family. she judge him and told me that he's nothing. of course, i defended my boyfriend because i know he's not like that and thank god, even though my mother is like that. my boyfriend didn't left me and stayed by my side to prove to my mother that he's serious with me even though my mother hates him and now, we've been dating for almost 2 years and counting and he's one of the very reasons why i'm living today.
okay fast forward, i'm turning 18 and my mother still doesn't wants me to go to places on my own and that i'm too young. there's many things that i want to do and want to achieve but i can't because she's controlling me. i keep on telling her that she should trust me a little but she doesn't want to. one time i pleaded her that i want her to trust me and that i want some freedom she told me that i was too selfish and that i was demanding her too much. when i ask her if she doesn't trust me, she said yes and told me that she will never trust me all her life. it made me sad and frustrated because i can't understand why. is it my fault to be her daughter? did i do something? am i that untrustworthy? is it my fault to be alive? i can't understand...now, i'm giving up my career choice to be a teacher because she wants me to become a nurse. i had no choice, i can't do anything. even that, she ridiculed me that i would be nothing if i become a teacher and that i won't become a professional someday. she also said that i was a disgrace to our family because my siblings are all engineers and nurses (even though they were practically forced by our mother but my mother doesn't care). even infront of her friends, she would say that i don't have any plans for the future. she even judge my friends because she doesn't like them and that they're useless because they can't help me with my problems because she's the only one who can.
idk what to do anymore but one thing's for sure, after i become a nurse, i will leave my house and cut off all ties with her. i just want to be happy, to be free just for once. i still have my respect for her but i can't help but resent her for the things she had done. guys, i need some advice, am i not allowed to resent my mother? am i not allowed to be happy? idk what to do....i need help but i can't have it.....
thank you for reading. i really appreciate it. sorry for the grammar btw
