Nxco.ni's Things

guys, im curious so any thoughts about the upcoming yaoi anime: Titan's bride???? I wonder will they animate the sex scenes though HAHAHHAHAH

Hi everyone!! Its's me hehehe. (Also shout out to the person who messaged me that i deleted this. My mistake hehe, i mistook it as a repost of the first part so i deleted it hehe) anywayssss, I've read all your messages and i'm very thankful for all the concern. Honestly, i'm crying while writing this down because i just got scolded by mother because she was in a bad mood again hahaha. Anyways, about living on my own, i can't do it because my mother doesn't want to let go of me unless when i have my work so like i have to endure it until college. And if i do, my parents won't financially support me and my siblings don't have enough money to financially support me so it leads me to doing part time jobs but it would be hard to find a job in my country since it doesn't really prioritize students doing part time jobs (truth hurts lol) so yeah, basically im stuck in this house. Actually i tried to leave the house but it traumatized me more, here is what happend:

One time, she got mad at me because "i didn't asked permission" from her about going out with my friends to study where in fact i told her beforehand but she forgot about it and because she was in a bad mood, she got physical with me and tried to hit me with a knife but she didn't continued because i was crying for godsake and out of pure frustration i said "do you really have the guts to do that to your own daughter? What do you see me as? If you can't treat me like your own daughter, at least respect me as a person . You're my mother, for god knows you're the one who's been raising me so why are you acting like that?" wellll, maybe i should have said that because it made her made even more and she told me to leave and when i said that i would do it, she cussed the hell out of me and scold me why should i really leave? I was confused because like earlier, my mom said i should leave but when i said that i would, she scolded me why i should? Ha? After that, i just went to my room and cried myself out and no, my mother wasn't done yet. She started going to my room and thank goodness, i already locked the door beforehand so she couldn't go inside so instead, she started banging the door and screamed at me. I could really understood all of her words other than i should die or something, that i should be grateful of the life i have, that she never wished for me to be like this and so on because i covered my ears because i had a panic attack. I didn't know what to do so i just distracted myself by telling myself that it's gonna be alright while patting my own shoulder while she's shouting outside the door. After she calmed down, i immediately called my boyfriend and told him what happend and he did everything that could make me calm and said that he's with me and everything's gonna be alright. I was really grateful for him at that moment. Since then, i never tried again to tell her that i would really run away because i was so scared.

So basically i have to endure all of this until college... Hahahaha. It sucks, really...do i really have to give up of my dream in becoming a teacher? Idk but for me it can be my only hope because being a nurse, i can go to abroad and i can leave my house but i would have to sacrifice my own self into forcing myself to work on something im not passionate about. My boyfriend already knows about this and he's fine with LDR since we started out having an LDR relationship.

she also accused me of being pregnant when i was sick one time and i was coughing so hard and he approach me with a knife on her hand and said "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" i was rly scared at that moment but i calmly replied, "mom, im not pregnant." but she still messaged my bf saying she doesn't accept my bf and belittles him. Thankfully my bf just ignored it but i know he was hurt deep inside because my mother was belittling him and his family. That's why i couldn't bear to ask help from my bf's parents because she will include them out of her anger towards me

Idk guys.....i'm still thinking about giving up my career choice.... should i really give it up? Idk....i really don't know what to do...i feel powerless and i can't get help...even my friends are scared of my mother...

hi, i know i'm just a complete stranger to all of you but i just wanna share the story of my life. all my life, i really resent my mother and if you're wondering why, it's because she's the most toxic person i ever know, not only that, she's strict, close-mind, hypocrite, hysterical and since i was a child, she's been mentally abusing me, telling me that her "ways" of taking care of me were for the sake of protecting and that i'm just a child and there's nothing i could do about it since "she's much superior" than me. all of my siblings had left the house since they were old enough and they couldn't stand my mother so technically i was the one left with my mom and dad. even if my siblings would get me, my parents wouldn't let me since i was "still young". they can't do anything to help me because my mother won't let them because she's "protecting" me and that she's my mother and i should obey her.

as for my dad, they're just the same but my mother is much worser. i tried to reach out and opened up to her saying that i have anxiety and depression but she just shrugged it off and thought of it as a waste of time and that i was just over reacting and blamed me for acting this way. i have anorexia since when i was young, i was thin to begin with and then my mother started reprimanding me that i should eat more and so i became fat but when i became fat, she started tormenting me and telling me that i should eat less because my weight is hideous where in fact, i was doing it for her to be satisfied. because of that, i started to starve myself to the point that when i was in grade 6, i didn't ate anything except drinking water to the point where my body couldn't accept any food that i ate but luckily, i overcame it and started eating again but i still have anorexia. i also had suicidal thoughts but i shrugged it off because i still believe that i have something to live for. eventually, i had my first boyfriend----of course, i introduced my boyfriend to my mother and she immediately said that she didn't like the idea of me being in a relationship and she doesn't like the guy i'm dating because he comes from a broken family. she judge him and told me that he's nothing. of course, i defended my boyfriend because i know he's not like that and thank god, even though my mother is like that. my boyfriend didn't left me and stayed by my side to prove to my mother that he's serious with me even though my mother hates him and now, we've been dating for almost 2 years and counting and he's one of the very reasons why i'm living today.

okay fast forward, i'm turning 18 and my mother still doesn't wants me to go to places on my own and that i'm too young. there's many things that i want to do and want to achieve but i can't because she's controlling me. i keep on telling her that she should trust me a little but she doesn't want to. one time i pleaded her that i want her to trust me and that i want some freedom she told me that i was too selfish and that i was demanding her too much. when i ask her if she doesn't trust me, she said yes and told me that she will never trust me all her life. it made me sad and frustrated because i can't understand why. is it my fault to be her daughter? did i do something? am i that untrustworthy? is it my fault to be alive? i can't understand...now, i'm giving up my career choice to be a teacher because she wants me to become a nurse. i had no choice, i can't do anything. even that, she ridiculed me that i would be nothing if i become a teacher and that i won't become a professional someday. she also said that i was a disgrace to our family because my siblings are all engineers and nurses (even though they were practically forced by our mother but my mother doesn't care). even infront of her friends, she would say that i don't have any plans for the future. she even judge my friends because she doesn't like them and that they're useless because they can't help me with my problems because she's the only one who can.

idk what to do anymore but one thing's for sure, after i become a nurse, i will leave my house and cut off all ties with her. i just want to be happy, to be free just for once. i still have my respect for her but i can't help but resent her for the things she had done. guys, i need some advice, am i not allowed to resent my mother? am i not allowed to be happy? idk what to do....i need help but i can't have it.....

thank you for reading. i really appreciate it. sorry for the grammar btw