I feel the same...

I have developed a mind set that a friend of mine said was unhealthy.
Back in my first year as a college student, I was extremely overhyped and a bit flamboyant.
I often make jokes and was a real loudmouth.
But one of my older brother’s friend saw me, and he told my brother that “Your lil’ bro is gay”.
So ultimately, the news reached my parents, and I was called various names like “disgusting”.

I was shocked, it rendered me motionless.
I also denied it, but because of those words, I became an extreme people pleaser.
It got to the point that I told myself “If being gay is disgusting, then maybe I can please everyone by being an outstanding student, extremely well-liked, smart, kind and helpful.”
It felt fulfilling, and I always thought that somehow, all those good and right things, can definitely compensate to the “mistake” and “disgust” that I was referred as, which is being “gay”.

When I told my friend about this, she said that it’s not healthy, both mentally and physically.
The stress wore me down, I was so exhausted from pretending to be perfect, thinking that it would make me less disgusting as a gay person...

I don’t hate my parents, but those words really stuck to me, even to this day.
I am still a closeted gay.
Which is why I can sympathize with the Uke.
I’m scared to fall in love, even to have sex.
I feel like doing these things will tender me even more pf a mistake as what I was always told.