I completely understand. Esp the hand washing. I wash with anti-bacterial soap and even use 70% alcohol after. Sometimes spraying alcohol on what I touch next. ┗( T﹏T )┛
(Sometimes putting alcohol outside the bottle of alchohol to disinfect it as I remember that i might have contaminated its outside surface.)
Sometimes it is hard to even breathe if I think my surroundings are too dirty or contaminated. I used to wear masks as well. (But then, I am very susceptible to allergic rhinitis.)
But I am okay enough that I do not have a breakdown when it comes to situations where my standards of cleanliness in impossible. (Well, not anymore.) ╮(￣▽￣)╭
It used to be really bad. （￣へ￣） I cringed at being too close to people. Sometimes slapping things away... *sigh*
I hear u. I was really caught up in symmetry as well. If I touched with my left hand my right had to touch as well. If I bumped my hip into a doorway I had to bump my other hip into the same side then bump high hips into the other side. I couldn't even get my clothes on without help bc I would keep taking them off. The washing though got nuts. Spread from my hands to my lady bits. That is something that I had to quit bc it gives you a bacterial infection bc as hard as it was to hear and accept; a delicate balance of bacteria that can be all fucked up by over cleaning. It's a habit I still fight. Worst was when I forgot to lock the door to the bathroom and my bf caught me doing it. He's like "whatcha doing zoey?" I was so embarrassed but I tied to act nonchalant so I tell him "Im washing my vagina." I'm standing in the bathtub in just my shirt and he's just standing there asking me questions like I'm not in an incredibly weird position. That and the brush with bacterial vagininosis got me to cut down a lot. When I got really pregnant I couldn't reach so it almost got cured. But the way I got my OCD to go into 75%-90% remission (depends on stress & a few other factors how much better it is any given day) was using my OCD to fight my OCD. I got my friends to help me. If I got stuck doing something -ie. washing my hands or getting in and out of the car over and over I'd say "tell me to stop or..." Then some crazy OCD fear would be threatened. Like my terror of growing a penis. ( I saw it in a movie and if I thought about it I'd have a ton of rituals I had to do) so they'd say something like stop or you'll grow a penis or the generic stop or something bad will happen. That and having someone physically stop me till The anxiety when away. Then after that severy once in a while making myself stop and just standing there and dealing with anxiety Untill it went away. Then I increased how often I did that. I'm a good place now. But I was in a place where I had to leave school and I was spending so many hours a day stuck in it that I would sometimes start screaming and pulling out my hair. It's maddening. I hope you don't have it that bad but if u do know It does get better. I don't use anything antibacterial now. I even stopped bleaching everything. Now I don't own bleach bc the fumes aren't good and I have a kid. I'm an OCD vegetarian who couldn't be near meat but I cook it for ppl and cut raw chx up for the dogs. Although I'm freaking out after watching a frontline report on chicken and a new anti-biotic resistant salmonella . I'm srely freaking out. so it flares up but it's so much better I almost don't notice it most of the time. Good luck
I adore the fight in him to be gentle but to also defile the one he loves. I love how twisted he is-makes him crazy sexy. I really love how well the mangaka shows OCD. My OCD wasn't exact the same as Shirotani's but the hand washing was spot on. When I washed my hands I could t dry them bc they would get "infected" with badness again so I would walk around with my hands up like a surgeon before surgery. Seems like shirotani for the most part has the outer part of OCD and not so much the inner. The outer is the rituals and stuff like hand washing and turning the light on and off a million times. The inner is the intrusive thoughts. Although sensei alluded to some of that when he said he tried to forget. I and others I've talked to with trauma and OCD would repeat mantras like don't think don't think over and over. Or i used to repeat a sequence of letters and numbers that had no connection to the names and ages of any loved ones. Which was really hard. I sometimes get flare ups but for awhile now my OCD has been in remission except for numbers(I hate 3,13 & 33-dislike 1,5,8,23, and any numbers that begin or end end in three except 43 is ok bc it adds up to a good number 4+3=7, I like 2, 7, but I love 9 and 27 since 2+7=9. I'm so odd