4am sleepdeprived thoughts

Ok i don’t usually go out of my way to read “shoujo” compared to in the past but was recommended this a looong time ago. i went into this BLIND -like had no clue who would end up with who.. and i think that was for the best - i found that i actually really liked it surprisingly. It’s one of my favourites now. It’s slow at some parts but it gets so so much better later on.

[SPOILERS]
if i had known that there was any hint involving incest, i would’ve probably most likely not even touch it. but for some reason, the gradual development and relationship b/w the two was so.. nice. it made me really happy.
it was so unexpected bc i was just so so convinced she would‘ve end up with Gun or even the delinquent most of the time. the thought of her ending up with Junhyuk wasn’t even in my realm of possibility in the slightest. i just didn’t think that was ever gonna happen- i came in not expecting much but a typical cute love story, but was thrown back -especially in the later half.

it’s strange but i think I’ve become more “open-minded”?? idk i don’t feel prejudiced against their relationship, although that doesn’t mean i necessarily support incest. i found their interactions heartwarming, funny and pure.

i found myself hurting, seeing Junhyuk- who we see always joking and comedic- mentally and physically break down for not being able to love openly due to morality and social standards. wanting so badly to deny his feelings, because it was wrong and he knew that if he ever were to confess he would be socially condemned. it hurt when i realised he had to grow up confused & being forced to hide and suppress his confessions as to not burden his loved ones. seeing her with new lovers each time must’ve been hell, knowing that he would’ve needed to act fine and put on a mask everytime- going as far to being involved in loveless relationships as a form of distraction (even if it that meant hurting his partner). he tried to let his feelings die or slowly fade away by distancing himself. but it didn’t, instead it grew stronger and stronger. and overtime he became a bit more of a better liar. the guilt for daring to carry such emotions constantly and heavily weighed on his consciousness. several times he must’ve felt it was unfair for being born in the way that he was.

rereading it offered new perspectives and made me notice moments that’s ive missed the first time i’ve read it. especially during the fake relationship. i unconsciously found myself slowly rooting for Junhyuk halfway through the story.

its getting long but basically i love the ending. tbvh i didn’t mind if Junhyuk accepted her rejection and moved on smiling- finally walking away & protecting and loving her as family only. i actually rmb very expecting this to happen bc i rlly didn’t think the author would make them happen. but i love how they’re able to confirm their mutual feelings, and it was a bit bittersweet seeing everyone grown up. (i also LOVE the GL representation, this was VERY unexpected too since i’ve never rlly seen it in dominantly shoujo mangas/manhwas- i could ramble on abt this but it’s getting long) the ending was very satisfying. my heart was full and i do not regret reading it, i’m glad i did.