Sexuality Question

I'm not bi so I don't know if this would help you or not, but I thought I was bi back in middle school. I've always been pretty loose about relationships and attraction towards people, so whenever someone would come on to me I'd go with it no matter what gender they were. Because the people were just males and females then, I assumed I was bi, but then I didn't have any sort of aversion to cross dressers to transsexuals/transgenders where my friends and classmates did. I had one friend who thought they were bi at the time and we'd have arguments about what constituted being bi or not, so we started researching a bunch of opinions, definitions, articles, and etc., and I found that pansexuality sounded more like what I felt. My friend figured out she was actually demisexual and not bi.

The only time people have bothered me or given me a hard time about being pan is when a girl I dated before came up to me saying "So I heard you're pan now" and promptly asked "So how do you know for sure? Who have you kissed?" meaning she thought in order to figure out a sexual orientation, you'd have to have had previous relations with each gender of person, which I think is bull.

In case you need definitions...:
pansexuals are attracted to or are okay with any gender or identity, male, female, gender-fluid, intersex, hermaphrodite, agender, etc.
demisexuality is where you develop a sexual attraction to the person only after you've become romantically or emotionally attached to them

Thank you! I really appreciate that. I think I'm more bisexual than pansexual or demisexual. I prefer guys, but I think I'm a bit attracted to girls as well. Like I wouldn't mind having a relationship with a girl. I don't know. Sometimes I'm attracted and sometimes I'm not? I get pretty confused.

It's okay to be confused about it, I still get confused and I've considered myself to be pan for over 5 years. Like sometimes I think "maybe I'm just gay with a bunch of exceptions towards people" because I prefer people with penises.
If you are bi, it doesn't mean you have to have an equal attraction to both genders. You could simply have a larger preference for guys while still liking girls.

Ohhh. I've never thought of it like that. Aren't people supposed to know their overall sexual orientation/natural inclinations at a young age? I've only started thinking about this, and I'm already 17... and I've never really had crushes on girls. Hmmm.

For me being bisexual was pretty easy to establish, I had sexual attraction to both men and women. As simple as that, I had different types I liked and sometimes I like more boys than girls and or other days more girls than boys. But either way I'm still sexual attracted to both. Hence bi!

Demisexual is actually even easier to establish in my opinion it means that you don't feel sexual attraction to someone at all until you've formed a deep emotional bond with them. Which basically means you're not going to go into a bar and think omg he/she is hot I'm so going home with them tonight. :) It's more like I like you, I want to get to know you, I want to be your best friend and at that point your body kind of says, now I have a sexual attraction to you.

Pansexual is a lot like bisexuality for me. It simply means that gender doesn't matter at all to you so you also feel sexual attraction to those who fall into the roles of intersex or outside of gender binaries. So basically you lust for someone and it doesn't matter to you if they're male/female or you can't tell what they are. You just feel sexual attraction to them.

Hope that helps a bit, if you want always feel free to ask more. I've been Bi and Aromantic and out for nearly 20 years now so I can help with some questions you might have! :)

Oh heck no it's completely normal to be confused about your sexuality well into your adult years. Don't fret about that. Especially since until quite recently your only options were gay and straight. And not everyone fell into those categories so you found yourself very confused. Add in the fact that there are romantic orientations as well that can mess you up even more, all the more confusing!

In the BI community we always have a saying, if you think you're BI, then you are. You don't have to prove your sexual orientation to belong. If you think you're Pan you are, same with Demi. No one is going to make you pass a test, the name is simply a label that will hopefully help you answer some questions about your inclinations when you get confused.

Technically 17 is still pretty young and it doesn't actually matter what age you start wondering about it I think. I learned about sex and sexuality at an especially young age because I would read my aunt's medical dictionaries and stumble upon things you wouldn't generally learn about at that age (for example I learned about AIDS when I was 7)
A lot of people start questioning around 15-20 and there's always stories of people experimenting during these years because they're just starting to figure things out

Thank you so much! I'll definitely keep you in mind. I don't think I have an equal sexual attraction to males and females. I prefer guys, and I think I've got a sexual attraction to females as well, but I'm not sure? I've never actually crushed on girls before so I really don't know. I kind of want to gain more experience with both genders, just to kind of figure things out I guess.

Oh! Ok. That makes me feel a lot better. The first time I heard about bisexuality, I kind of thought, "Well, I could be...??". But I know people that are so sure that their bisexual and then I'm like, "Maybe not". I guess I just need experience with both genders.

Haha. Thanks! I needed that. Puts things in perspective more. I really like that saying. But what are romantic orientations? As you can see, I'm pretty new to this.

I didn't really crush on girls when I was growing up, but then I'm aromantic so I didn't really crush on anyone. lol I did have certain types that I was like Oh I'd so sleep with that guy. And I didn't really have that with girls until I was older. I met my first sexual female partner when I was in college. Typical eh? Lots of experimenting happens in those college dorms. It was at that point where I realized that boy or girl it didn't matter to me. So I was like Bi! Okies! Time to find the next person to play with! Hehe

@Tavi, is it difficult to be openly bi? Like do you get stigmas or something? I've asked my parent's what they think of bisexuality, and they think that bi's should just "choose" a gender. They're honestly more uncomfortable with the idea of bisexuality rather than being gay.

Ah romantic orientations - so like for me I am Aromantic, I don't feel romantic feelings towards anyone. So things like dating, falling in the love, getting married stuff like that doesn't make sense to me at all. I do have deep platonic feelings for my friends and would do anything for them, but I simply don't feel romantic feelings.

Romantic is considered the 'norm', you fall in love with people, you date them, want to spend time with them. want romantic affection back from them.

Demiromantic - you only feel romantic feelings after already establishing a deep platonic relationship with someone.

So it's honestly a lot like the same ones you know for sexuality, just instead of sexual attraction it's about romantic feelings.

For me I'm Bisexual so I feel sexual attraction/lust for both genders, but I don't want to date them or marry them or even feel like I love them. It's at the core just a physical relationship.

Romantic orientations are separate from sexual orientations.
put it simply I guess: romantic attraction vs sexual attraction is sort of like who you want to marry vs who you want to bang
A lot of the time your romantic orientation will be similar to your sexual orientation, but that's not always the case. You could like males and females sexually but only be attracted to one romantically. Or not be attracted to anyone sexually but still be attracted to people romantically. In Tavi's case, they're bi and aromantic, meaning they like males and females but don't feel any sort of romantic attraction towards them.
A lot of people bash on aros because it seems weird to most non-aro people that someone doesn't or can't feel romantic attraction. Someone who feels romantic attraction is called alloromantic I think

It can be difficult to be openly bi, but no in the same way it is for homosexuals to be openly gay. The hardest part is the one you said right there, where people think you should just choose one gender, or if you do end up finding love that you've stopped being bi and now you're straight or gay because you've picked one. That's hard, it's not like you stop being bi because you end up with one person.

I have a problem mostly with the fact that bi-erasure is a huge thing. Even if a celebrity comes out as Bi, within minutes the media and fans will have them out as gay. If you're reading literature, characters are never bi, even when they've already shown they like both sexes. They've suddenly become gay! Yaoi's huge on this...I'm only gay for you! Or I'm straight, I just want to sleep with you. Hmm or you know you could be Bi or Demi-sexual. Yes these are things too you can use them as words and put them in your stories! lol

My family had a harder time with me being Aromantic than me being Bi in all honestly. The idea that I don't fall in love seems to bug them so much they drive me crazy with asking me every chance they get if I've fixed that part of myself. The fact I'm not broken doesn't seem to click in their heads. lol

@lime and @Tavi, Thank you so much! I really feel like it's making more sense now. I think my romantic and sexual orientations are the same in that I'd like to have a relationship with either gender and not just physically.

Rocking that answer lime! :) I honestly think that people who are Asexual and Aromantic have a harder time dealing with everyone else. Because they all seem to have this knowledge that even if they're straight or gay they're ok, but if you're not one of those you're weird, different, disturbing...painful some days to be the odd one out.

There you go and remember your sexuality can change! As you get older and you try things out or experience more life things may shift and change your view. Never be afraid to be fluid. You a person you're not stuck in a box and forced to grow up in a rigid position! Just like when you were a kid, you may have hated peas and now you're older and you're like why did I hate these stupid green veggies? lol

So since you're aromantic, you've never like "fallen in love" before? Bi-erasure, I never really thought about. But if I look back, it's totally true! I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and one of the characters said she had "turned gay" and was "gay now". I guess that's why it's been hard for me to know my sexual orientation. Sometimes, when the characters are like that, it's hard to connect with them you know? Not enough Bi representation.

Hahaha that's hilarious. Great comparison. I think people are always brought up to think that sexuality is like a box and can't be fluid, so I've had trouble with adjusting to the fact that my sexuality can/did change: "I thought I was straight, but I've changed to Bi?"