I finally felt like i could relate to someone,when i was young i was not aware that i was ...

I finally felt like i could relate to someone,when i was young i was not aware that i was sexually harassed by both the males in my family who were my "father" and "older brother" .i too thought that it was normal for us to do those things as we were family.i thought we were normal.my mother was left in the dark,i could not bring myself to speak up for myself nor look her in the eyes.the brother whom i had as a role model did such things to me.i thought i was the one to be blamed.if only i didnt exist,would things have been normal.i dont even know what is normal anymore.the harassment continued until i moved out of the house to live in my university dorms overseas.i found out that i favoured being raped,i found out that my trauma had in fact made me think that i enjoyed being raped by my father and brother.but in fact,i did not enjoy them,my body liked them but my brain rejects it.i am scared to go back home during school breaks,i feel sorry for my mom.i wish i was a boy.maybe if i was a boy,woulf i have had a normal life.i desire nothing my brain is filled with overlapping memories of my abuse.i wish i knew what normal was