This may sound silly, but if you have the opportunity I suggest you seek out a therapist that specializes in grief. If you don't have the resources for that there are a lot of forums online that are for stuff like this.
Grief is an awful process to go through and even if you never met her in person your feelings for eachother were very real. Hopefully you can move on to a healthier place!
That's not silly at all and i thank you for taking the time to read my comment and for telling me that, while i still think about her from time to time and get sad i no longer have suicidal thoughts.
i know it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone and will probably take your advice and look up forums and see what i can find regarding that.
This reminds me of something similar that i went through, i met someone on the internet who lived in England and i'd gotten to know her pretty well and ended up falling for her which led me to tell her how i felt about her. She said that she didn't feel the same way and i told her it was okay and that i'd still be friends with her so we continued to talk and we had a couple of other online friends who we both talked to and one day she told us that she had brain cancer and a little while later i told her that i still liked her and she ended up telling me that she after having talked with me a lot ended up falling for me too but she was afraid that her telling me that would make me hate her but i didn't and i told her that.
at the time i didn't have a job so i'd stay up into the early morning messaging her on Facebook until either i'd go to sleep or she'd have to go. this was all in 2017 and in about i wanna say early september of that year she stopped messaging me out of the blue and i got concerned so hoping that her mother knew me i took a chance and messaged her asking if she was okay and that's when her mom told me that she passed away and for days i felt like there was a hole in my heart. i'd only known her for that entire year before she passed but i cared about her so much, I ended up getting a job not too long after that and wished that she was there for me to tell because that's one of the things we talked about was me looking for a job.
And while i never cut myself or tried to kill myself to be with her it did make me depressed to the point of not wanting to be around people or at work and having suicidal thoughts at one point but i knew that that's not what she would've wanted so i kept going and am still here. I miss her like crazy and still think about her a lot but i know she's not in any pain anymore.
this is not a joke either and my point in bringing this up is that while reading chapters 40 and 41 i was thinking about her and actually understanding the situation that the character is going through to a point.
anyway i'm just gonna go now, if you read this all the way through thanks for listening i guess.