Chap41 thought

I know we all really can't explain Nk's behaviour at this point. But I think it's safe to say from what i've observed is that right now, what Nk is feeling is NOT love. We know that but he doesn't l. Imho, he's attempting to get validation from someone that he's atleast wanted by somebody. You'd think that if a person like Nk just heard his sole mentor and only guide IH speak that he disgusted IH, he would be devastated.
I think this is his shitty attempt to feel validated, wanted and actually cared about and in that case, Seungho's actions do bring a false idea, because note that everyone in story is jealous because Nk gets seungho's attention like bobody has even though it ends up in him being hurt. That kind makes him feel special. There is bothing romantic here...at least not at this point. So yes, even though Nk may seem like an idiotic shit right now, it's actually valid.

But one thing to note is that, from the beginning, Nk was never portrayed as a morally upright person. He enjoys sodomy but what kept him in his place was IH. Now that that's gone, he feels like he has lost his anchor maybe.

Also, stockholm syndrome is a thing.

I agree with everything you said

You are completely right... Don't let them discourage you of your opinion.

Oh and might I add, maybe NK was having butterflies when he first woke faced SH was because he had to drink the "energy tonic"? Could that have contributed?

1st: Nk knows Sh’s appreciation for his work from day one. from the first moment they met. It’s not a secret. Still he refused to work for Sh. Several times. For Ih’s sake. So why he chose the one moment after being brutally raped to unconsciousness to be “pleased”? ╮(￣▽￣)╭. Shouldnt he feel pleased earlier? (which wasn’t shown in any chapter prior to chap34)

On top of that, I don’t think being raped feel very pleasurable. Other than being forced to ejaculate against your will, he got his anus ripped, and he couldn’t get any rest despite being exhausted because Sh was busy satisfying his mighty dick in and out of, over and over, the ripped anus for a whole afternoon (several hours). If that doesn’t scream pain and torture idk what does. Let’s not forget that before that Nk was also got his face smashed, was penetrated without any hint of pleasure after he remembered, and was forced to swallow Sh, dick and cum, before FLEEING his pants out of sheer resentment. Yes he subconsciously loves sex. But I doubt he loves pain or humiliation. Being raped and tormented does not equal pleasure. So do you think his subconscious desire can overpower his prolonged pain, exhaustion, and resentment after he just woke up from exactly those torments? Could a normal human being forget ALLL that and fell butterflies for his abuser right after being raped to exhaustion, all because of a dream? He doesn’t appear to forget being brutalized over and over again after waking up, and I seriously doubt that he desires Sh’s obsession, aka experiencing raped and brutalized like that, again.


2nd. Nk is not a bad person yes. But between his beloved teacher, whom he has tried to please his whole life, and Sh, who stands in his way between him and his teacher, who do you suppose he would naturally side with? He knows how important that is to his teacher. If anything involves his teacher he would automatically get involved (as shown in earlier chapter). He witnessed the Sir’s desperation. Obviously that would mean if he chose to tell, he would have got his teacher’s approval/ appreciation right? Plus Seungho’s sexual orientation was notoriously known among nobles and peasants. Sh’s feud with his dad was not uncommon either, it was obvious from the beginning of the story as there was a rumor that Sh got his topknot cut off by his dad. That’s not a secret to keep so no need to worry about snitching. And those minor details like Sh’s hand shaking and having trouble sleeping, he could have purposefully omitted that and tell Ih about the conversation. But he CHOSE to fail his teacher. For the sake of Sh (not himself nor Ih). After getting a bj and some back hug from Sh. Which is why i said he had a change of heart and was not loyal and a masochist. Hence my first comment about not understanding Nk anymore. He forsake his initial motivation, which is Ih, for the one who abused him mentally, physically and sexually, for no apparent reason.

And about Nk being disgusted by the Sir for his drawing, that’s not a strong enough reason to have a change of heart and lie. Nk knows his teacher despise those things a year prior to his meeting with Sh, yet he still chose to endure pain and humiliation for him. And again, the feeling of abandonment does not justify his having butterflies after blah blah (you know my rant)

And now it looks like i’m defending Ih (〜￣△￣)〜. Just to be clear, i do ship Nk and Sh. Just not at the expense of good plot and character development.

I would like to talk about your 2nd point first. I completely agree that NK has always wanted to please his teacher. He gave up his art and would give up much more for him. I agree. But that doesn't mean he can spy on another person for him. That is truly morally corrupt behaviour because when he has to snitch against SH. That act does not involve only himself or sacrificing something about himself. He is compromising another person.

I really don't think the author wants to paint NK as such a character who would completely give up all morals for his love. I am saying maybe it's like he is blind in love yes, but not completely forgone. (
I know a lot of people would argue here with usage of the term, give up "morals" completely and say he is into sodomy and erotica. But in my opinion sexual practices and orientation do not form a person's morality. But that's my opinion. That's how I see it.)

I truly think betraying SH (yes he is a first rate asshole) would paint NK in a really bad light as a character. Because it's not about who SH is a person. It will be about who is NK as a person. Somebody needs to have some good in this crazy mess.

To summarize, he might be blinded by his love for the teacher. But he is not so forgone that he will do anything. (I mean that would be like those desperate lovers of those villainous characters where they can literally stoop down to any level to please the one they love just to get a scrap of affection)

Now for the 1st point...I understand what you're saying that in all the moments NK had to feel pleased about SH. Why feel pleased after recovering from being raped.

I have a theory about this (tbh I am sure the author is not putting so much thought into this, might be going with the flow). Maybe the author is trying to connect physical connection with mental/heart connection. (I know calling rape a physical connection sounds insane but it is still yaoi with a dark seme character tbh)
Like how in any "normal/sane" relationship people feel more connected after more physical connection (the first kiss for example).
All this ofc, quite a bit of conjecture that I am drawing out here.

Also, SH is not a sane and nice character, a greyish character bordering more on the black side. If NK has to like him (I am using the word like a little liberally here), he has to like him at his worst. I know that sounds f***ed up but I think it is not possible for the author to show a very conventional progression.

I think it would not be fair to expect that SH would suddenly change for NK out of love and NK would find a life long friend and partner. I think that would be more out of character. If they have to like each other they have to like in this messed up way only. It is not a very conventional set up to begin with. I mean abusive bullies/criminals/murders also have partners who love them in real world setting too. So, there is some kind of psychology working that is difficult to explain and even more difficult to understand.

Maybe, we might see character development in both of them. But they both cannot change completely. NK has to somewhere in his heart find a liking/attraction/something for SH at his worst or there is no story.

Thank you. I agree it is a culmination of factors at work here that is drawing NK to Seungho.
NK's artwork is obviously a manifestation of his inner sexual self that either he is unaware of or he is suppressing.