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I do have an obsession with yaoi and BL I admit but it's totally different in real life. I read a lot of BL mangas and fanfics and I can't help but ship male characters in movies and TV shows together, however, I am not delusional. Though I support gay rights and lgbtq and all the letters in the alphabet, I don't go around annoying gay guys.
My interest in yaoi does not affect how I act towards gay couples. It's pretty separate. As i've stated, these mangas are to satisfy the author and the readers. It does not have to interact at all with real life. In my opinion and in relation to me, yaoi and BL does not represent the actual gay community AT ALL.
And while I like reading mangas with male characters being intimate, in actuality I don't like watching gay men kiss, just as I don't like watching anyone kiss, whether straight, gay, non binary, etc. Yaoi is totally separate in my view. Like you stated, one can simply like yaoi however even if a person makes a fetish out of it, that doesn't necessarily translate to how they interact with real gay people. The fetish may actually be for fictional characters alone.
Ex: I ship Destiel in the show Supernatural. The actors are completely straight and married and I don't care. I ship the characters. Not the actual actors. I am completely aware that their real life dynamic are that of brothers and best friends and I don't ship them at all. That's the best way I can explain it.
This is fiction ok? Ik it can be frustrating but it's fantasy. In yaoi mangas, there aren't a lot of switching. Most of it is dub con or outright rape. But it's ok. Cause it's a fantasy. It's not meant to model real life, it's meant to satisfy the fantasies and fetishes of the writer, reader, or both. Gay men in real life switch a lot, people in real life can't shoot lasers out of their eyes. Do y'all expect fictional worlds to abide by every law of reality, cause if they did, they'd be defeating the purpose of being fictional.