Agree with you. I like this story but don't adore it specifically, it was pleasant to read, but feels a bit rushes with some lacking details and transitions.
You did an Incredible job of analysis of the story I find interesting.
It's true that the little intrigue of the story was "I'll love you whatever the situation", so yeah, Uke just went along with the fact Seme's lost his memory, came back to him, pursued him... without having the occasion to repent his mistake... Would be more intriguing and longer to make your version.
Uke is in a stigmatic gay relationship, of course he reacted like how he did. Not saying other actions couldn’t have been taken but he’s suffered enough trying to pretend he was fine in the whole time that his boyfriend couldn’t remember him. He suffered greatly too, it’s not easy to try to give up your love so he doesn’t need to “shoulder” anything. What matters is that memories or not, their love was real.
I absolutely love the options you have given for the story. May I take some of your suggestions and make it into a full story. (I absolutely understand if you dont want me to (=・ω・=)
Haha, sure. :)
Thank youヾ(☆▽☆)
Siiiigh. Moronic uke doesn't deserve the seme. I know I'll get downvoted a lot for this, but I don't care, it needs to be said.
Significant writing issues in this one prevented me from really enjoying it, and while reading it I could only focus on how it could've been fixed rather than the story it was trying to but failing to tell. Hear me out before going nuclear.
To start with, I don't like notion that because yaoi is seen as fap material, it doesn't need to have good writing. If it was just that, then it just would be porn with no set up, no plot, and no character arcs. It'd just be two hot guys screwing. So it deserves, as much as anything else that tries to tell a tale, to have quality writing as well. So saying "it's just wank material" is not an acceptable excuse for bad writing in this genre.
Anyway. The primary setup of the story doesn't match AT ALL how the story plays out which is the long and short of my gripe.
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At the beginning, the uke makes a (faulty) assumption about the seme and then takes action on this assumption without even talking to the seme about it by breaking up with him. Then the seme falls and gets amnesia and forgets the uke.
What plays out from here was SUPPOSED to directly respond to this setup where the uke is punished for his wrong-doing in the setup by having him do penance for his actions for the remainder of the story, and where his diligent attempts at atonement are rewarded by giving him his boo back.
But INSTEAD, the uke's stupidity is rewarded by the story forcing the seme to (re-?)pursue the uke despite his amnesia, like saying, "see, there's just something about you, I will always want and chose specifically you no matter what!". This is such a tired and overused shoujo plotline that I find myself way more annoyed than I should be to see it crop up here in a 9.3-rated story. (Remember, the uke is the reader stand-in, and this fulfills the reader fantasy that your amazing love interest will always love you hardcore no matter how crappy you are to them - yuck).
There were two ways this story could've been written to make both ends of the story match up.
1a. First, the easy fix. Cut the prolog breakup. The uke and seme are now in a perfectly content and loving relationship and things are going great. Then, by random happenstance, the seme trips and falls and busts his dome and forgets the uke. The rest of the story can play out as it does.
1b. A slight alteration of 1a to increase drama and make the story a little stronger would be to have them in a mostly happy relationship, but then the *seme* does something stupid/jerkish/inconsiderate to the uke, which causes the seme to fall, then amnesia, and then keep the rest of it the same.
2. The more complicated way to do it is to keep the prolog of the story the same as the original story, all the way through the fall and amnesia, and then change the ending to the following:
The seme wakes up, having forgotten about the uke, and then proceeds to live a new life without the uke while the uke watches from afar. Uke can't bring himself to completely stay away from the seme (because he loves him) and finds himself breezing by the bakery all the time or whatever to gaze on in longing.
Uke will witness some other guy hitting on the seme and the seme responding positively to it (while ignoring attentions by girls), which throws uke into a state of mental turmoil because if the seme was just going to date another guy anyway, what was the point of the uke breaking up with him to begin with, when they had been perfectly happy?
And then, to top that off, the uke witnesses seme's sister and new baby come by to visit, and the seme says something along the lines of "your kid is cute, but I'm glad he's yours. I don't want kids, they're too much work" (or whatever -- something indicating the seme either doesn't care about having kids or specifically doesn't want them).
At this point, finally, the uke realizes his grave mistake, and we get a "dark night of the soul" moment. Coming out of it, the uke will resolve to pursue the seme in earnest full-tilt, having learned his lesson, and then uke could fight for the seme against the new uke, and then at some point the story could use the ring subplot in a similar way, to jog the seme's memory and reconnect them, etc.
tl;dr
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that the uke screwed up at the beginning of the story, so the uke should be the one to shoulder the burden of getting them back together after somehow learning his lesson about the value of communication in a relationship. This is not how the story goes at all, the uke is rewarded by the plot for his bad behavior, and thus color me annoyed.