im scared u know why?
i was in the exact sam position but guess what? everyone else thought i was rich as them...i never confirmed or denied it.
how can u say it?
i am a clean freak and i literally have OCD (just slight tendency ) so they might have thought i am rich because of it.
im scared because i got into college, alotof bullshit happened and my grades literally dropped drastically...u have no idea...im scared i dont want u to end up like that too.
i wanna disappear cuz the only thing for me to get away from this shit life was to have an elite graduation...but now i literally dont know what to do..
no matter what happens, prioritize urself and ur study...my friends backstabbed me ...all of them....never let anything come in between u and ur future..
i wish someone told me that...god im fucked up...so so so mad at myself
Maybe try studying Buddhist philosophies;
in a nutshell it focuses on getting good karma from good deeds in order to reach enlightenment in nirvana.
What I like about Buddhism is that there is no "hell" or harsh punishment for mistakes or opinions.
If you have bad karma and don't reach enlightenment you simply reincarnate as a human again, no burning hell and external torture, no shaming and sins.
Obviously you don't have to be a heavily devoted follower in order to take interest in Buddhism but if you can take some of the Buddhist philosophies and apply it to your daily life it and it might give you more meaning to move on.
Im not saying I'm suicidal or anything, but my being who I am, I feel like this world and this time juat aren't meant for me and there has never been a time where I haven't thought about the bliss of not existing. I'm someone born 'on the border', as in my family has heavy financial burden but I go to a well-know publics school in my area because of good grades, where most of the kids have better financial situations. And the thing about being a poorer student living among those who live in better houses and have better things is that, they expect you to as well. And when you don't, it creates a gap that can't really be crossed. You can make friends, but to maintain frindship, you'd sort of need to be able to go to their sleepovers and birthday parties,watched this new movie, play this new game, have been to this restaurant to relate. So theres the isolated feeling that I will never be able to actually fully become friends with someone that understands rather than pities (it hurts when my friedns start to see me as a charity case or a needy person even if i am). Im definitely blessed in compariaon to so many other people, but I guess I'm just weaker in dealing with the difficulties.
Anyway, the only thing I've really been living for in the last couple of years of my life if the possibility of a better future. Get good grades, go to a good college, get a good high-paying job, then you might be able to eat things you actually have an appetite for, sleep on a bed, live in your own space, etc. So I get called a perfectionist, and I get told to be less serious and stressed, and people tell me to take a break and breathe when i really need it, but my whole futre depends on me and I fuck up when i tske a second to breathe, or else I'll be stuck in the loop my mother and grandmother and family have suffered in. A lot of the time, after a long stressful day, my form of releiving stress is just imagining never having to get up from my bed again and not having to care about school, my part time job and paycheck, my family's drama, my lack of normality.