spoilers. (this is extremely long and messy because im letting out my frustrations)

yall aint seen nothing yet ;w; this is just the calm before the storm guys and yes this level is still CALM. prepare ur mind and hearts when we get into the super bumpy ride. we need a lot of buckets for our tears, an electric chair for that cheating bastard, and shovel to dig our own grave ;;;;;;;;;

so spoilers ahead!!
and beware of typos
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for me the most heartwrenching part of this story is about the possibility of zhishu and dr. ai meeting as colleagues. zhishu was gonna study medicine, he was GONNA STUDY AS A DOCTOR LIKE DR. AI but he met this bastard, zhishu went against his parents and neglect his dreams just to be with the man he loved. he sacrificed EVERYTHING because for zhishu, being with him is alrd enough ;;;;

and u think it was gonna be happy when dr. ai took zhishu and hid him from that asshole??? nooooo. the angst doesnt stop there, it goes all the way to the end. dr ai, upon meeting zhishu, he learned to love him even with all these difficult situations. dr ai stayed with zhishu every day and never failed to look after him while they were on the place of his brother. he persuaded zhishu to get treatment but he refused. ya know, he just wanted to make nice memories before he leaves ;;;;;

do u know how painful it is to see the person u love get worse as the day goes by? and u cant do anything but watch and hope that when hes sleeping, he still wakes up tomorrow? and the fact that ur a well known doctor in the field of leukemia, and yet u cant do a single thing to save the person u love the most? and zhishu didnt even wanna reciprocate dr ai's feelings bc he knows that it will be too hard for dr ai. his time is almost up and one thing zhishu didnt wanna do is to robbed his happiness away. in that short amount of time, dr ai treasured zhishu unlike that fucking bastard. do u remember that bone marrow that was supposed to be for zhishu and someone manage to took it away? dr ai was so devastated because he thought it can finally save him;;;; and lmao chapter 26, its the same bone marrow that asshole mentioned. oh the irony :')

zhishu left that fucking asshole on the day before christmas i think, he even left the cat ;;;; but thank god dr. ai have connections and was able to get a hold of him and he was also able to take the kitties with them, and thats where they left and went to his brothers place somewhere far away. they are so precious during the time they spent inside the car ;;; my heart feels happy and sad for the two of them.

that night when the bastard came home, zhishu is alrd gone. ofc he tried tracking him down until he finally saw that his bitch went to their apartment w/o his knowledge. yes bc of that, zhishu was really depressed and finally decided to throw the ring and then eventually left. so he confronted his bitch, OH LOOK HE WAS SO COLD TO HIM AS IF THAT WOULD BRING ZHISHU BACK ASSHOLE DIE IN A FUCKING DITCH. and in his hoe's house, he saw his wedding ring. his ex was gonna throw it away but he tripped on the garbage bin i think??? lol i forgot and there he saw the ring. lmao bro he looks so sad SERVES U RIGHT. U DONT KNOW HOW ZHISHU SUFFERED AND WAS WORRIED WHEN U LOST THE MF RING.

the bastard did everything he can to find zhishu until he knew about dr ai. dr ai's brother (forgot his name) and mr asshole are business partners i think, they know each other. since all he knows is that zhishu is meeting up with a rich doctor, he called jingwen (the doctor who came in ch29) and asked if he knew a doctor who likes plants (those pricey plants) and owns a prestigious car and jingwen immediately answered with "thats dr. ai!" hes a famous doctor for leukemia :') a ha ha ha ha :)))))))))))))))))))))) then jingwen figured it out qnd asked mr asshole to meet in their house. oh boy.

so remember those meds jingwen saw? he finally remembered its for leukemia :') jingwen was so mad at him i think he even punched him. he was so mad because this bastard raped zhishu right? suspected that hes meeting up with the doctor because hes cheating. and zhishu not wanting to show his body is because he wanted to hide the injection marks hes getting from chemotherapy!!! rmbr that time when mr bastard was smoking in ch25 and then zhishu had a nosebleed? and when mr asshole was gonna help him take off his shirt, zhishu refused or pushed him away because hes hiding the marks from chemotherapy!! and mr asshole thinks ges hiding kiss marks in his body OMFG. this is why jingwen was so mad. zhishu being pale and think, he also asked if he never saw any signs? less appetite or no appetite, fever, nosebleeds LIKE BITCH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SIGN WAS ALRD IN FRONT OF U AND HE DEADASS WANNA BE IN DENIAL. and dr ai even told zhishu that he musnt tire himself out or do anything pyshically draining and this bastard kept having sex with zhishu. he even fucking raped him OH MY GOD I WANT TO STAB CHOP OFF HIS DICK. him knowing about zhishu's illness made him really depress lol AS IF I CARE ABOUT THAT. u never fucking notice because ur too busy "working" the ass of ur co workers u mf, while zhishu was suffering and alone aaaaand u had the audacity to keep lying to him.

jingwen also asked him if he loves zhishu and this mf answered yes (oh yea sure sure, u love him) and jingwen cannot believe his words. jingwen said smth like, he was suffering from leukemia and u were out there having fun and cheating on him and now ur telling me u love him??? RIGHT???? TELL HIM JINGWEN

ok let me skip lol
so mr asshole was able to track down the house dr ai and zhishu are staying and he went there but obviously dr ai didnt let him see our zhishu. he punched him, beat him up, even called a police and reported him for trespassing. zhishu heard all the commotion but he never went to see that asshole (thank god)

(im skipping a lot of things actually but theres a lot more painful things i just cant.... bear to remember it all, again)

okay so im not gonna say how much mr asshole felt bad but he did suffer, its not just enough. its never gonna be enough even tho how many times he asked for forgiveness, even tho how many times he cried, he can never give back all the precious things he stole away from zhishu. NO HE CANNOT GIVE BACK HIS FUTURE AND HIS LIFE AND IDC EVEN IF HES SUFFERING, I WONT AND WILL NEVER SHOW HIM PITY. HE DESERVE ALL THIS PAIN, HE DESERVE TO DIE MISERABLY AND IM NEVER GONNA BE SORRY FOR THAT.

that time when zhishu got rid of his ring, mr asshole saw it and asked zhishu where it is and he brushed him off. he even said that theres no point in wearing it when mr asshole doesnt have his ring as well (ohhhhhhh bitch u deserve that burn) actually on the day before christmas, he didnt wanna go to work and just stay in the house and be with zhishu but zhishu told him to go. he even said that they should buy rings together again (good joke bro) and zhishu hugged him and said goodbye to him, thats where mr asshole knew smth was off but he tried not to think much of it and went to work. shortly after that, zhishu left. it feels good that he experienced this, that he experienced that pang in the heart when zhishu lost the ring. when it was him who lost the ring and zhishu asked where it was, it was very clear that zhishu was soooo hurt. karma got u good and bit u back 10x more painful

he found zhishus ring under the couch and he missed zhishu all over again. he even said that the two rings are together again (only the rings tho) -this happened later on, i think before zhishus bday

also when the snow started to fell, he remembered zhishu making dumplings for him. and now that hes all alone in their house, he wished that zhishu was there and is making dumplings (dude nice joke ur so funny) yea all he can do is wish because it aint gonna happen again!! asshole.

he was so in denial that he even waited for zhishu to come back, always waiting in their house. if in the past it was zhishu who keep on waiting for him, now look how the tables have turned :D he even bought a dog (i think its an akita) because he remembered that zhishu wanted to have it but he wasnt able to keep one,, and this dude was able to raise the dog because he keep thinking that maybe zhishu will come back (as if)

and the fact that he never even met, see, touch, or heard zhishu again (except from one blurry picture) ever since he left makes it all the better :D he and dr ai had each others number, hes looking for the bone marrow to "save" zhishu and hes telling his plans to dr ai. he even called in for professional doctors, theyre just waiting for the bone marrow but i mean lets face it. it was too late for the surgery and zhishu declined alrd. also its not a 100% success that hell recover from leukemia so its like a 50-50 chance.

anyway, zhishu died peacefully. he had no regrets, he had a brief yet peaceful life or what remains of it, with dr ai along with the kitties and the doggo.

on his bday, dr ai gave him a ring and zhishu declined it ;w; (im srsly sobbing rn)
he said that after taking off his ring, he wont be able to wear a ring again ;w; he said smth like its a great responsibility and love thats why the ring is very special and he cant wear it ;w; but in the end, he wore it for him. dr ai pleaded for him to wear it bc hes afraid that he might not see him someday in the afterlife fuuuuuuck ;;;; it was really really hard for dr ai cuz u know... he really love zhishu and to see him in that position is enough to crush his heart. and zhishu knows dr ai loves him and even he likes dr ai, its not that easy for him to completely throw away his feelings from his ex. want proof? theres a time where zhishu had a dream and he kept calling the assholes name... hes also crying on his sleep saying "pls dont go, pls dont go" and dr ai is the one whos there for him ;;;;;; when ur the one whos with him but u know his heart isnt completely urs and that fucking hurts so much. like after what zhishu went through, he still have those lingering feelings ;;;;;;;;;;

they had small talks during zhishu's bday and i think zhishu was eating egg tarts that dr ai made, then dr ai wiped his mouth, licked his finger and laughed because he might fall inlove with egg tarts in the future ;;;;;;; oh my goddddddddddd;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

at that time, zhishu thanked dr ai and his voice was really soft and light. he told dr ai that he will never forget him and if theres an afterlife, he said that he will follow the scent of dr ai's flowers and find his garden (oh fuck) until he reach his room and he said he will be there and will look after him ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and he laughed softly TT_____TT (this line really tore my heart open) and then dr ai thanked him back for being able to meet him ;;;; and he kissed zhishu in the eyes and he said I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER and after that, he suddenly wanted to cry

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK IM SO SAD OHMY GOD IMSO FUCKING SAD

u see, while being with zhishu, dr ai has been trying to hide his pain or that hes hurting. he doesnt wanna cry in front of him or show that hes weak. he wanted to be strong for him and to be that someone zhishu could rely on;;;;;;;;

oh btw the asshole came back in that place, (dr ai's brothers place) and he saw that it was alrd empty. and at the same day, dr ai was there and thats where he knew that zhishu alrd passed away. he even begged dr ai and told him to stop lying and it made dr ai furious so he punch him and told the asshole to stop deceiving himself. and all the tears that dr ai bottled up just suddenly came pouring and it was uncontrollable. he was actually shock that he manage to remain calm after zhishu's death but going back in his brothers place, in that same garden, looking at the pool where his dogs fell, the rocking chair, the blankets, the window, the dead jasmine flower that he used to water evevery day when they still lived there together, he couldnt bear it anymore that his heart hurts too much and right there and then he cried, he cried in the presence of that asshole.

like i said, zhishu didnt left any will but his only wish is for his body to be cremated and be thrown in the water or river. dr ai chose lake baikal, its a very vast lake. its beautiful, peaceful and gentle. (its in russia)

the day zhishu died, it was a sunny day and he can barely move. they both sat down near the window on the 2nd floor to watch the flowers. dr ai asked zhishu if hes waiting for the flowers to bloom but he didnt answer. he then fell asleep on dr ai's arms and dr ai smoothed his wrinkled eyebrows. by the afternoon, zhishu is in a deep sleep ;;;;;;;; it was too quiet that dr ai can even hear his own heart beat and he heard zhishu muttered.
"after school, lets go home together."
:'))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
in the end, the person in his dreams is that scum ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; (yall feel me ;;;;)
and...
there was a gentle smile in zhishu'a face :') fuck. dr ai just hugged him tightly and didnt let go of him until the night.

do u know that feeling? the person u love the most, the person u want to be with for a lifetime, loses his last breath and his last warmth in ur arms. and the most painful thing of all is the person u love perhaps did not have u in his last memory ;;;;;;;;

it was painful for dr ai, everything that reminds him of zhishu makes him cry like a kid w/o warning. he also kept the 4 cats with him ;;;;;; and the blurry photo of zhishu ;;;;;

dr ai eventually came back to beijing and he slowly wanted to move on from the pain. "he can still go on, its just that HE WILL NEVER FALL INLOVE WITH ANOTHER PERSON IN HIS LIFE AGAIN."

oh my god im so sorry this became more like a vent. i finsihed this novel a 1 or 2 months ago and ive been avoiding giving any summary or spoiler bc the pain is still fresh lol im not a very emotional person, i mean i dont easily cry irl but shit THIS FUCKING HURTS A LOT LIKE NO JOKE. its the kind of pain where i'll suddenly cry whenever i remember it.

im so sorry for making u read this ;;;;

p.s this is from the novel, pure words, no pictures. so imagine seeing and reading this in manhua form, their expression, emotions, oh boy ;;;; im not ready ;;;;;