V E N T I N G

So it's like 3am and I need to get something off my chest.

So like earlier today I posted on my SC story one of those stupid 'say hey if you care about me' type of things knowing that I'd just get the same people saying it if not a few more new people. But the thing that kind of got me was that there was this dude (let's just call him Jason Funderburger) that I'd known since kinder garden and he had said 'hey'. And it got me because through out the time that i had known Jason Funderburger I had just been an emotional, weird, embarrassing person (until recently when I started becoming more of a quiet kid). But also through out my child hood except for early kinder garden when we were friends, I had thought that Jason Funderburger hated me, so I had steer clear of him, and when I started 7th grade and I had like 2 classes with jason Funderburger we kind of talked but we never had a real conversation and he was always talking to my friends and everyone else, except for me... And so I assumed 'this guy really does not like me, but I can't blame him, I'm a boring, embarrassing, weirdo'. But then one day when I'm walking home from the park with my brother I see a car stop and he jumps out of it. I think that maybe he's going to walk home so I keep walking, keeping a normal pace so I don't actually seem like I was avoiding him ( I was). But then I stop when I hear 'Rao (I'm just gonna use my Mangago name), you better slow down and wait up for me (it was said in a playful manner)', and so I stopped and turned to him and waited for him to catch up as my brother went ahead with his friends.
So we were walking back to my house talking about how we need to get my friend (let's call her Bitch because I don't like her atm) over here so we can all hang out at the park, (more like them talking while I just chill, ya know, pick at the grass being a quiet kid). And I just nod and say 'yeah...'. And so we walk quietly to my house and I'm trying to stay calm because I'm panicking hoping I don't look ugly or I don't smell bad or there isn't something on my face because I don't want Jason Funderburger to look at me any more badly than he does ( or at least how I think he does), and so out of the blue he says 'I hope your mom doesn't hate me' and I laugh a little because in Fifth grade my brother left his football out and Jason Funderburger picked it up and my mom saw and thought he was stealing it so she started to cuss him out. I say 'yeah, haha' and then he goes on and says 'also because I assume your mom hates fags' and I laugh again because Jason Funderburger is bi but I'm sure he's more on the gay side. But I object, saying 'no, she would only hate a fag if it was her son' (my mom worked hard and had four girls just to have a boy, she's not homophobic because my sister is lesbian and she is 100% supportive about it). He laughs and says okay and suddenly we're at my house. I wave good bye awkwardly and he says bye and walks off. I then run inside and finally take a good breath of air, recalling everything about that walk JUST to make sure I did nothing wrong.|
Anyways, the rest of the year we just go on how we usually do, never really talking. Nothing really changes. And I would be okay with it if I didn't know him as long as I did. And I wouldn't have felt so bad if Bitch didn't become his best friend as quick as she did. Jason Funderburger and bitch were really close, and it made me sad, but I never knew how to vocalize it at the time. Because even though throughout my childhood I knew Jason Funderburger hated me, I still tried a lot to be his friend, but nOPE, and suddenly bitch comes in the picture in 6th grade and BOOM, besties they were. But I'm getting off topic, what I've been meaning to say is, all through my life I always thought, 'he hates me' and 'Why can't I just be as social as the people who can openly talk to him', or 'what's wrong with me?'. And I always though-knew even- that this person didn't care about me, but to suddenly see him tell me he cares? I'm constantly telling myself, 'this has to be a lie', and stuff like how he must be fucking with me or ...maybe he does actually care? But it's just really confusing seeing all the signs that he's been giving, it's like he's fucking with me or something? I don't know, and part of me is saying that it was all in my mind and he never actually hated me and the other part is saying that he's fucking me over and he never cared. But even to learn that of he did really care and he never hated me or thought bad of me, it wouldn't really change anything because every time i'm around Jason Funderburger my mind suddenly goes into this mode where I'm making sure nothing is wrong with me and i suddenly tense up and I'm like having a mini panic attack just setting by him, and I could try, but I don't think I could ever get out of that.
I don't know,maybe it's in my head, maybe it's not...maybe...



*DISCLAIMER* My life doesn't revolve around Jason Funderburger or this problem, I do have a life, and I'm just venting about this problem


Also if anyone has anything to say about this, go ahead. Tell me what you think.
(also sorry of there are any typos, remember, it's 3 am)