When am I cishet? A label is a preference. If your pronouns are she/her or he/him. I don't care. Do whatever makes you comfortable. Again gender roles are a societal decision. The same way girl or boy is?
"trying to force a woman role" this claim supports that labels shall be assigned by gender at birth? I literally never called him a twink so I am thinking you mean another comment. I never said that I'd call them she/her. I said that if a guy any random guy likes the pronouns she/her then go use it. I will respect and use those pronouns. This is all about respect for people who ask for these labels. If they feel uncomfortable with something I will stop?? Where are you getting that I automatically call them she/her?
I used transphobia because transphobia isn't just "oh I wanna be a guy, because I have body dismorphia". For others transphobia is the force of being in a binary even though you don't want to. Labels are a good way to begin. Some non binary feel like they prefer the name mom over parent or so and such on. These labels can also be to a cis person's prefrences. Heteronormative isn't a great way to describe it as we've only see the label mom. Nothing else has been seen for the parenting or so on.
Omegaverse doesn't only have men. You can also look at some great straight omega verses or lesbian omegaverse(wish there were more) if the bl omega verse isnt to your preference. I understand getting angry or disliking it at the beginning of the story but this is just stupid. If you cannot handle the omegaverse with such a minimal problem then please I recommend you look at others such as love shuttle
Why are u STILL on this boy, the whole point of my comment to the original commenter is that it's fucking rude and stupidly overdramatic to call the other person homophobic for not liking this manhwa and the heteronormative logic they're trying to push by calling an omega male "mom" for being pregnant. They simply said it was weird, there are no "transphobic views" on this as it was simply an opinion and an observation.
Where in this manhwa exactly do you see non binary representation or even trans men? NOWHERE so your argument Is completely out of context. Genuinely if we were talking about another manhwa I would agree with u.
You genuinely don't understand ... This is not about representation. It's about not understanding a label is a label. I am starting to think you don't understand the omega verse. Gender ideology doesn't exist. Second gender ideology does exist. I can tell you well that literally no one cares in this universe if someone is mom/mom or mom/dad or dad/dad. For them it's a label. The only thing they see is the second gender
You genuinely don't understand ... This is not about representation. It's about not understanding a label is a label. I am starting to think you don't understand the omega verse. Gender ideology doesn't exist. Second gender ideology does exist. I can tell you well that literally no one cares in this universe if someone is mom/mom or mom/dad or dad/dad. For them it's a label. The only thing they see is the second gender. Sorry had to repost this
You're acting like I was talking to YOU or even insulting your beliefs which I did not even plan to go to that route with you, you're right I cannot handle such "minimal issue" as like I said since the beginning it's weird which is why I never read this dumb manhwa to begin with, I do not care for omega verse logic as much as you do. I don't like love shuttle and was absolutely repulsed by it just like I was with love is an illusion because this manhwa was just an awful fetish all around, normalizing rape (no surprise) like most bl's. I don't know what you're trying to prove here and i've come to terms with the fact that I do not care
My point will always be that in no ways, such simple dislikes could be homophobic nor transphobic, u are incredibly brain rotted to think so.
So then if you’re all about respect, respect the fact that people find it weird to call a man “mom” when he isn’t a female you weirdo. These people are uncomfortable with people like you who are misgendering a person and calling something theyre not. You said yourself, “If they feel uncomfortable with something I will stop”, so then fucking stop.
You don't see the problem. This in reality is also problem. If your born with your sex do you expect the person to stay in social labels? This assumption is transphobic. That if you are born with a sex or stay in your gender you must also share all labels given to you. You could also say that about your comment. Some might find the assumption "if your born with your sex you must also stay within in your label that is assigned by social gender." I am not sure where you saw the rape in love shuttle but there are other better ones. I can't remember the name but it was an enemies to lovers one. Not everything normalizes rape. I recommend you look at shounen ai or something also bl.(๑•ㅂ•)و✧
You're with the idea of if your born with a sex and stay with that sex that is given to you. You should stay with the label that society hands you. My question is. If a guy. Someone who is male and still identifies as male. Asked you. "Could you call me she/her instead of he/him because I prefer it" would you call them him or he because they were born with it? It's obvious that the person who is called mom doesn't have a problem with being called mom
You know, I’m just not gonna respond to you anymore cause you’re clearly transphobic yourself, and I don’t wanna associate myself with you. Don’t reply anymore.
Look, kid, don't ignore what I wrote. A TRANS PERSON is responding to you and telling you that you're transphobic yourself with your arguments. It's clear that you have no idea what you're talking about and have never spoken with trans people, queer parents, and especially transmasc parents. Don't ignore the people you're "defending" while ignoring their voices.
I am literally trans (umbrella term:agender). This has nothing to with actual trans people. It was to do with the societal term that is expected. The person who is referred to as mom doesn't seem to care if their son calls them mom. Back to the societal term. Just because someone is with their assigned sex or gender. Must they then carry the societal labels that come with the gender or not?
It's not a personal preference to call someone homophobic because they don't like the dude being called a 'mom'. You don't throw around words like homophobic or transphobic just because someone says, 'I don't like it when the omega is called mom'. That's not even borderline close to being homophobic or transphobic.
No one said anything about men calling themselves women with she/her pronouns irl, and thinking yaoi manhwa/manga is the equivelent of irl LGBTQ+ representation is insane, considering that most yaoi ISN'T written for that purpose. If you want to blatantly ignore the fact that a lot of yaoi is just straight up propogating false standards about gay relationships just so you can stand on a pedestal and say, you all are transphobic and homophobic towards irl standards, then there's something wrong with how you view the LGBTQ+ community.
Because all I can understand from that is that you're telling me that yaoi is a good representation of LGBTQ+ and any criticism of it is a reflection on irl relationships.
Literally there have BEEN men who are harrassed because of female readers who read yaoi and think the stuff in yaoi is applicable irl...
Bro, these authors aren't even men. They're WOMAN.
Also, considering the fact that the guys in this series are... guys, it's not that weird to feel uncomfortable to read them getting called mom. Some people can like it, some people don't mind it - but it doesn't mean it can't be weird to others. And it certainly doesn't make it right to call someone homophobic for it.
Honestly, I don't like it either. Because it feels like they are trying to forcefully self-insert a female role into a guy. To me, I'm reading about two MEN who are in love. I'm reading fiction about men and it feels like the author is trying to feminize one of the men into a stereotypical female role when they say mom and like show this dude with every aspect that makes the perfect stereotypical female mom. And that in of itself isn't a bad thing, because maybe the dude just is a really great parent, but it DOES feel weird when you start layering in the terms etcetc.That plus the history of yaoi fetishizing gay relationships makes it feel wrong.
There's nothing inherently transphobic about thinking that because we aren't talking about someone trans and we aren't even talking about irl people. Like maybe you can headcanon omegaverse as some convoluted trans representation attempt, but it doesn't mean that everyone does. Nor does it mean someone is wrong because they don't see omegas as trans men - which btw is just wrong ngl because the point of omegaverse in yaoi is that now males can give birth. MALES can gives BIRTH. They're not trans and you're honestly kind of delusional for making that reference... when it has no bearing on what the argument is about. If you want to headcanon it fine whatever, but don't force it on the rest of us.
Look, if irl someone wanted to be called mom idgaf, that's them and that's their preference. But when it's in yaoi it's NOT the same. You're just ignoring context of what yaoi is and how it's catered to its FEMALE audience since it's creation...
Again. Never said yaoi was a good representation. Especially this one because it takes place in a world where there is no gender ideology rather second gender ideology, so to be more exact LGBTQ couples are common. You'd rather be attacked for being an omega/omega.
You clearly don't understand gender ideology. Gender ideology doesn't even work on this fictional world building
Omegas have always been feminized because that is how the wrong portrait of wolves was made. This all comes from a book about wolf packs.
I fear our world doesn't work. Because this is world building. It's also completely different in other worlds such as elves or so on
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful
prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower
for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek
Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can
do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now
Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew
your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast,
back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted.
Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25
pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small.
You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance.
Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five
shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you
got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh,
go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You
boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I
love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He
can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house
fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way!
Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under
arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I
say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you
talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there
with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There
was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey
wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine.
Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't
mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you
definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note!
Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of
my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one
here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have
free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend
would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No!
I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really?
-Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I
like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like
that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like
that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's
amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess,
you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have
in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they
won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can
I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't
how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick
together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A,
what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in
the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I
don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good
night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all
alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well
James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got
you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are
you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to
put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I
have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get
out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not
there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced
to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me.
-Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get
comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right
now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right.
That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city
adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about
singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not
a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now
tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has
reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's
hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man.
-Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man.
-The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well
then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror,
mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a
king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord,
because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and
hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please
welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy.
Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find
out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least.
Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot
boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting
cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one?
Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no.
Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess
Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should
mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this
princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest
man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll
find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm
not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's
do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That
champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess
Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not
very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named
champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All
right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank
you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better
idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor
of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp
back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All
right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly
the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone.
What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with
full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason,
donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them?
You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know
what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut
open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For
your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m,
Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on
the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You
know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care
what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you
ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is
delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story.
Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You
know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a
mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to
warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me
donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right,
brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they
don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember
when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't
have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I
mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a
rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For
emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really?
-Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down.
Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now,
please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time
for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that!
Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.
That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?
Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but
shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a...,
something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that
breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I
mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and
see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be
up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it
in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???.
That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd
step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey,
look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear
this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you
got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl
dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty
out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke
and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first
meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what
are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down
the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we
have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti.
Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek.
I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's
not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did.
Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is
over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a
physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was
the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should
get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't
do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It
talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the
dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little
unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where
would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble
steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah,
no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you
wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a
perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a
dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You
think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love.
What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now,
now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm
not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre.
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one,
who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should
ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and
his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm
sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery
boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me
down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another
question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you
let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How
do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you
find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's
beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way,
princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think
little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure
up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do
that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to
make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods.
Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over
here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's
perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll
be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said
good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And
that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can
you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know
you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his
stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm
gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just
now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No,
do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want
to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes
you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who?
Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your
problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the
problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and
go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why
I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre.
Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and
annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the
moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah.
You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How
do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of
to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as
you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour.
And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please,
monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of
course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was
annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come
from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives
alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh,
would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone
know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For
getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite...
-Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red
thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good.
Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be
alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's
Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I
think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey.
-What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well,
that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know
she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I
won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see?
-He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I
can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really
good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also
great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a
little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook
all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... ,
princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't
this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a
minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's,
I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the
dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I
really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look,
I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I
did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and
I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess.
Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little
games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the
princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess.
-Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it
something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I
say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen
you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another.
This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's
beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day
when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the
sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if
you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know,
you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it
going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like
you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live
happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's
the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't
breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to
keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need
whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye
twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I
want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said?
-Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a
hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time.
Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As
promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take
it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For
I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no...
forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to
raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess
Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for
tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious
are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake,
the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing?
You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I
talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't
you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go
with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and
nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I
thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was
thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall
supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and
this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get
half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You
back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly
Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you!
-Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just
shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I
do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad,
how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah.
You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just
like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I
was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She
was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking
about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok,
look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me?
-Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about
me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in
time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is
just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes
kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of
Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you
just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking
about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever
hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What
are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her!
-Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic
crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the
power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said
it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a
good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's
rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I
need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me.
-But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be
king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about
true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess.
Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for
our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before.
Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight.
-Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See?
-Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my
wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will
have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.
I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona?
Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are
beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Check it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead
Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do, so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow
Hey now, you're an all-There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. [looks at the audience] And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... [pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavens. Where is she? WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 Scene 2 THE SWAMP SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number that you ever do...[enters] Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! 3 DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? 4 FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. SCENE 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’] Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5 DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit 6 SCENE 4 FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother 7 SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking off a GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. [enters] What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying 9 SCENE 5 STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy man-boy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? 10 SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" SCENE 6 KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. 11 KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. QUEEN This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG [out on the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FG We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed.[yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? [Bumps up against two armed guards] Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? 12 CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT 2 SCENE 1 AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? [holds up a heavy satchel of coins] VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 14 SCENE 2 CASTLE SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3 IN THE FOREST SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. 16 PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to [Puss steps on his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits] SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS 18 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. SCENE 4 THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5 FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then...he farts DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3 SCENE 1 IN THE BARN - MORNING SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK looks around confused SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... 22 PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps SCENE 2 THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his exit with her wand] Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing off outfit] Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves SCENE 3 THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that good-looking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. 25 SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [pulls out a magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? 26 KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit SCENE 4 IN THE CASTLE The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. [reached for one of the tea cups] KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA [drinking from the other cup] Thanks. 27 SCENE 5 THE DUNGEON DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO I most certainly am not! [his nose grows] DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY [looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s lederhosen] It's a thong! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the lock with PINOCHIO’s nose] SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! 28 DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! [nose shrinks back down] GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! SCENE 6 THE ROYAL BALL ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG [Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? 29 CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. 31 QUEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, [SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him] with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobs] Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rock There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. [looks at the audience] And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... [pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavens. Where is she? WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 Scene 2 THE SWAMP SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number that you ever do...[enters] Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! 3 DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? 4 FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. SCENE 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’] Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5 DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit 6 SCENE 4 FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother 7 SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking off a GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. [enters] What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying 9 SCENE 5 STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy man-boy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? 10 SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" SCENE 6 KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. 11 KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. QUEEN This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG [out on the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FG We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed.[yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? [Bumps up against two armed guards] Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? 12 CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT 2 SCENE 1 AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? [holds up a heavy satchel of coins] VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 14 SCENE 2 CASTLE SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3 IN THE FOREST SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. 16 PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to [Puss steps on his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits] SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS 18 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. SCENE 4 THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5 FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then...he farts DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3 SCENE 1 IN THE BARN - MORNING SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK looks around confused SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... 22 PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps SCENE 2 THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his exit with her wand] Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing off outfit] Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves SCENE 3 THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that good-looking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. 25 SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [pulls out a magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? 26 KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I
Transcript
A light shines down on a storybook. It opens, and a voice turns the pages and reads it.
CHARMING: Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. Until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome prince charming!
Book transitions to Prince Charming, wearing a knight's armor and red cape, riding on horseback. He rides through a forest, snowy mountains and barren desert.
CHARMING: It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s Keep.
EXT. - DRAGON'S KEEP
Prince Charming arrives at the Dragon's Keep, an ominous castle surrounded by a moat of lava, but sees that the bridge leading across the lava is destroyed. Charming uses his bow to shoot a roped arrow to a wooden post on the other side and uses it as a zipline. He looks up at a tower that rises above the rest of the castle, a light shining from its window. He enters the Dragon's Keep.
INT. - DRAGON'S KEEP
CHARMING: For he was the bravest...
Charming takes off his helmet, revealing himself to be the narrator's voice. He continues to speak aloud.
CHARMING: ...and most handsome…
He takes off his hair net and dramatically swishes his hair.
CHARMING: ...in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss...
He sprays air freshener in his mouth.
CHARMING: ...would break the dreaded curse.
Charming continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess's tower.
INT. - THE PRINCESS'S TOWER
He enters the princess's room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed's curtains.
CHARMING: He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her--
Charming pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess--its the Big Bad Wolf. The wolf, busy reading a magazine, is annoyed by the interruption.
WOLF: What?
CHARMING: Princess…Fiona?
WOLF: No!
CHARMING: Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
WOLF: She’s on her honeymoon.
CHARMING: Honeymoon? With whom?!
----
We see various scenes from Shrek and Fiona's honeymoon. They break into a giant gingerbread house and stay night. In the morning Little Red Riding Hood knocks on the door, fleeing in terror after Shrek and Fiona answer the door. They take the basket she left and have a picnic on the beach. A wave crashes over Shrek and Fiona as they makeout in the sand and the Little Mermaid takes Fiona's place. Fiona drags the mermaid by the tail, and throws her into the sea into a group of sharks. Later, Shrek has some dwarves forge Fiona's wedding ring. They run happily thru a meadow where an angry mob emerges chasing after them. Shrek gets caught a trap and villagers surround Fiona, who fends them off. They take turns farting in a mud bath, using fairies trapped in jars for light. They kiss in the moonlight, transitioning to...
EXT. - SWAMP
...their arrival back at Shrek's swamp.
SHREK: It’s so good to be home!
Shrek scoops Fiona about in his arms and walks to the door of his home.
SHREK: Just you and me and…
Singing can be heard from inside.
INT. - SHREK'S HOUSE
They open the door to find Donkey laying in Shrek's chair.
DONKEY: [singing] Two can be as bad as one…
SHREK: Donkey?
Shrek sets Fiona down.
DONKEY: Shrek! Fiona! Well aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ‘bout a side of sugar for the steed?
SHREK: Donkey, what are you doing here?
DONKEY: Oh! I was just taking care of your love nest for you.
SHREK: Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?
Shrek gestures to piles of mail stacked on a stool and potted plants that have withered away.
DONKEY: Yeah, and feeding the fish!
SHREK: I don’t have any fish.
DONKEY: You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona.
Donkey walks over to a fish bowl. The water is rancid and the two fish are clearly dead.
DONKEY: That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your…[mumbling]
SHREK: Oh, will you look at the time! Well I guess you’d better be going.
Shrek opens the front door and beckons Donkey to head out.
DONKEY: Hey wait a minute, don’t you want to tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Donkey runs back over to the fireplace and Shrek groans in frustration.
FIONA: Um, actually--Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon?
DONKEY: Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately...so I thought I’d move back in with you guys!
FIONA: Well you know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey.
Fiona kneels down to pat Donkey on the head, then Shrek puts his hands on her shoulders.
SHREK: But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together.
Donkey smiles and stares at Shrek, not taking the hint.
SHREK: Just with each other.
Donkey continues to stare.
SHREK: Alone.
DONKEY: Say no more, say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you!
SHREK: Donkey!
DONKEY: Yes, roomie?
SHREK: You’re bothering me.
DONKEY: Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess uh… me and Pinocchio was gonna catch a tournament, anyway, so uh.... maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or somethin'.
Donkey solemnly walks out the door and shuts it behind him.
SHREK: He’ll be fine. Now, where were we?
Fiona puts her hands on his arm.
SHREK: Oh. I think I remember.
The two giggle and Shrek takes her in his arms. He leans her over for a kiss, but they are interrupted by Donkey, who is suddenly standing next to them again.
SHREK: Donkey!
In his surprise, Shrek drops Fiona to floor. He leans down to pick her up.
DONKEY: I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going! Hey, but what do you want me to tell these other guys?
Donkey opens the door, and Shrek and Fiona look up, puzzled.
EXT. - SHREK'S HOME
A group of uniformed men stand outside, playing a fanfare with their trumpets and drums. A page steps forth with a scroll in his hand. After the fanfare is over, one of the trumpeters begins play the Hawaii Five-0 Theme Song. The page smacks him on the head with his scroll. Shrek and Fiona step outside of the house.
PAGE: Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage...
Upon hearing this news Shrek looks uneasy, while Fiona is smiling.
PAGE: ...at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…eh...
He looks up from the scroll and stares at Shrek.
PAGE: uh…Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far Far Away. A.K.A. Mum and Dad."
FIONA: Mum and Dad?
SHREK: Prince Charming?
DONKEY: Royal ball?! Can I come?
SHREK: We’re not going.
FIONA & DONKEY: What?!
SHREK: I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit… shocked to see you like this?
FIONA: Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they’re my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don’t worry, they're gonna love you too.
SHREK: Yeah, right. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome at the country club.
FIONA: Will you Stop it? They’re not like that.
SHREK: Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
The page gives a huff, and walks off with the rest of the men.
FIONA: Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance.
SHREK: To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks?
FIONA: No! They just want to give you their blessing.
SHREK: Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
FIONA: well If you want to be a part of this family, yes!
SHREK: And who says I want to be part of this family?
FIONA: Uh, you did! When you married me?!
SHREK: Well, there’s some fine print for you!
FIONA: Ugh! So that’s it, you won’t come?
Shrek: Trust me. It’s a bad idea. We are not going! And that’s final!
After a silence, we cut to Fiona throwing the last of their luggage into the back of their carriage
DONKEY: Hey come on Shrek! We don’t want to hit traffic!
GINGY: Don’t worry! We’ll take care of everything.
Shrek reluctantly leaves the house. Gingy, Pinocchio, the Three Little Pigs, the Big Bad Wolf, and the Three Blind Mice run inside. One of the mice is running to catch up.
MOUSE: Hey, wait for me!
The door shuts and the mouse runs into it. Shrek groans as he hears sounds of glass breaking and music playing. Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey get in the carriage and set out for Far Far Away.
DONKEY: [singing]: Hit it! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up, move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em down! Rawhide! Move 'em on! Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Rawhide! Ride ‘em up! Move ‘em on!
COUNTRYSIDE
Donkey continues to sing.
DONKEY: Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Rawhide! Knock ‘em out! Pound ‘em dead! Make ‘em tea! Buy ‘em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk ‘em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw!
Later, they reach a sign that reads "700 miles to Far Away".
DONKEY: Are we there yet?
SHREK: No.
MOUNTAINS
They are now riding in the rain over rocky terrain.
DONKEY: Are we there yet?
FIONA: Not yet.
The are now in snowy mountains. A sign reads "200 miles to Away".
DONKEY: OK, are we there yet?
FIONA: No.
More time passes and they are riding through thick snow.
DONKEY: Are we there yet?
SHREK: No!
They are riding out of the snowy area.
DONKEY: Are we there yet?
SHREK: Yes.
DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: No!!
They pass by a waterfall and over a bridge.
DONKEY: Are we there yet?
FIONA: No!
FOREST
They pass a sign that reads "100 miles to Far Far Away".
DONKEY: Are we there yet?!
SHREK: No, we are not!
Later as they pass through the forest, their dwarf driver is now covering his ears as he holds the reigns.
DONKEY: Are we there yet?!
SHREK & FIONA: No!!
Shrek begins mimicking Donkey.
DONKEY: Are we there yet?
SHREK: Are we there yet?
DONKEY: Hey that’s not funny.
SHREK: Hey that’s not funny.
DONKEY: Hey that’s really immature.
SHREK: Hey that’s really immature.
DONKEY: See this is why nobody likes ogres.
SHREK: See this is why nobody likes ogres.
DONKEY: Alright your loss!
SHREK: Alright your loss!
DONKEY: I’m gonna just stop talking!
SHREK: Finally!
DONKEY: But this is taking forever, Shrek. And there ain't no in-flight movie or nothing!
SHREK: The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far… [softly] away!
DONKEY: All right, all right, I get it. I’m just so darn bored!
SHREK: Well, find a way to entertain yourself!
Donkey sighs. After a pause he sighs heavily. Then he makes a popping sound with his mouth. Then pops again. And again.
SHREK: Oh! For five minutes. Could you not be yourself…for five minutes!
Fiona leans against the window and looks out. She looks back to see Donkey's mouth lean forward. She braces herself and Donkey makes the popping noise again.
SHREK: Gah!! Are we there yet?!
FIONA: [chuckles] Yes!
DONKEY: Oh, finally!
Off in the distance they see the large kingdom of Far Far Away.
INT. - KINGDOM OF FAR FAR AWAY
They pass through the front gates.
DONKEY: Wow! It’s going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on!
The streets are paved and there are buildings everywhere. People fill the sidewalks and carriages fill the road.
DONKEY: Hey, good-looking! We’ll be back to pick you up later! Ooo, pantyhose!
Fiona looks out with excitement, while Shrek remains cautious.
SHREK: We are definitely not in the swamp anymore.
A crossing guard dressed in full armor brings them to a halt as a limousine-esque carriage passes by.
GUARD: Halt!
A man walks up to the horses and cleans them off, and the carriage driver tosses him a coin.
WOMAN: Hey, everyone, look!
Two women take note of their carriage and start following it. Soon, others take notice and join in. Fiona turns to Shrek, who is clearly not enjoying this. She gives him a reassuring smile, and he tries to return one back.
DONKEY: Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? Yeah! You workin' that hat!
A loud crowd has now amassed behind them. They head up the avenue and towards the palace further up the road.
DONKEY: Swimming pools! Movie stars!
EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE
A cheering crowd is gathered in front of the palace, filling up the entirety of the square. Confetti rains and fanfare plays. The king and queen stand waiting in front of the palace doors. The carriage pulls and stops in front of the red carpet leading to the palace. An announcer pulls out a scroll and reads it aloud.
ANNOUNCER: Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband!
The crowd cheers.
FIONA: Well, this is it.
KING HAROLD: This is it.
ANNOUNCER: This is it.
A man with a box of doves gets ready to open it.
MAN: This is it.
The birds are released and a fanfare is played as Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey step out of the carriage. The crowd gasps, the fanfare dies off, and one of the doves smacks into a wall and falls dead to the ground. The king and queen stand with mouths wide open. It is totally silent. A baby starts crying.
DONKEY: Uh… why don’t you guys go ahead? I’ll park the car.
Donkey jumps into the carriage and the driver starts riding off. Shrek takes takes Fiona's hand and starts walking forward.
SHREK: So… (chuckles) ...you still think this was a good idea?
FIONA: Of course! Look! Mom and Dad look happy to see us.
The king and queen start walking forward and talk amongst themselves.
KING HAROLD: Who on earth are they?
QUEEN LILLIAN: I think that’s our little girl.
HAROLD: That’s not little! That’s a really big problem! Wasn’t she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?
LILLIAN: Well, he’s no Prince Charming, but they do look--
SHREK: Happy now? We came. We saw them.
Shrek nervously chuckles as they pass by a few men carrying pitchforks.
SHREK: Now let’s go before they light the torches.
FIONA: They’re my parents!
SHREK: Hello? They locked you in a tower!
FIONA: Hey! That was for my own--
HAROLD: Good! Now here’s our chance. Let’s go back inside and pretend we’re not home!
Harold tries to start walking back but Lillian urges him forward.
LILLIAN: Harold, we have to be--
SHREK: Quick! While they’re not looking we could make a run for it.
FIONA: Shrek! Stop it! Everything’s gonna be--
HAROLD: A disaster! There is no way--
FIONA: You can do this.
SHREK: I really--
HAROLD: Really--
LILLIAN: Really--
SHREK: Don't--
LILLIAN: Want--
SHREK: To…
LILLIAN: Be--
SHREK/HAROLD: Here.
The four stand facing each other. After a brief silence, Fiona goes up to hug Lillian and Harold.
FIONA: Mom, dad. I’d like you to meet my husband…Shrek.
Shrek stands nervously. Lillian tries to appear happy to meet him, while Harold doesn't even try to hide his disgusted look.
SHREK: Well, um… It’s easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from.
Shrek chuckles nervously. Harold scowls, Lillian is apprehensive, and Fiona cringes.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. DINING ROOM.
We cut Shrek to gulping at the dinner table. To his sides sits Lillian and Fiona, and across from him sits Harold. Lillian looks around nervously and Harold angrily stares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to eat the food on his plate properly, plops it in his mouth, and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously, but accidentally lets out a loud belch and covers her mouth.
FIONA: Excuse me.
Shrek and Fiona laugh.
SHREK: Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona?
SHREK: That’s good...
They stop laughing after neither Harold nor Lillian join in.
SHREK: I guess not...
We hear Donkey yelling in another room.
DONKEY: What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.
Donkey comes bursting into the room from the kitchen.
DONKEY: Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place.
Donkey pulls up a seat next to Harold.
HAROLD: No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
FIONA: No, no, no, Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
DONKEY: Yup that's me. The noble steed. Hey waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed?
SHREK: Oh, boy...
Shrek loudly slurps from his bowl.
FIONA: Um, Shrek?
SHREK: Yeah?..Oh! Sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm!
FIONA: No, no. Darling.
Fiona demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands.
SHREK: Oh!
The rest of the dinner table does the same.
LILLIAN: So, Fiona, tell us about where you live.
FIONA: Well…Shrek owns his own land. Don’t you, honey?
SHREK: Oh, yes! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and--
DONKEY: What?! (laughing) I know you ain’t talking about the swamp!
SHREK: (through his teeth) Donkey!
HAROLD: (sarcastically) An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.
Donkey loudly dunks his mouth into his bowl and starts drinking.
LILLIAN: Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children...
Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both gag until Shrek spits his spoon out onto the table.
SHREK: (chuckling) It’s a bit early to be thinking about that, isn’t it?
HAROLD: Indeed...I just started eating.
LILLIAN: Harold!
SHREK: (offended) What’s that supposed to mean?
FIONA: Dad. It’s great, OK?
HAROLD: Well for his type, yes.
SHREK: My type?!
DONKEY: Uhhh--I gotta go to the bathroom.
The chef and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey , lobster, and a pig.
CHEF: Dinner is served!
DONKEY: Never mind. I can hold it.
The servers set the food on the table.
CHEF: Bon appetit!
DONKEY: Ooh, Mexican food! My favorite!
LILLIAN: Well, let’s not just sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in!
DONKEY: Don’t mind if I do, Lillian.
HAROLD: So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be--
SHREK: Ogres, yes!
Harold pulls the lobster towards himself, Shrek does the same with the turkey.
LILLIAN: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
HAROLD: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own young!
Harold violently stabs into the lobster with a knife.
FIONA: Dad!
SHREK: Oh no, we usually prefer the ones who’ve been locked away in a tower!
Shrek rips off both drumsticks off the turkey and bites them.
FIONA: Shrek, please!
HAROLD: I only did that because I love her!
SHREK: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?!
HAROLD: You wouldn’t understand! You’re not her father!
Fiona sighs as Shrek and Harold continue to rip apart their food, sending bits and pieces flying across the table.
LILLAN: It’s so nice to have the family together for dinner.
Harold and Shrek tug over the pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards.
LILLIAN: Harold!
FIONA: Shrek!
SHREK: Fiona?!
HAROLD: Fiona!
FIONA: Mom!
LILLIAN: Harold…
DONKEY: Donkey!
The pig lands on the table with a thud. Fiona looks at Harold and Shrek, and then runs out of the room.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S BEDROOM.
Fiona enters her room where she stayed as a child. She looks affectionately at a doll of a princess, then moves on. She goes out to her balcony and cries a single tear, then suddenly notices bubbles floating all around her. A woman in the distance floats inside of a bubble and begins to sing.
GODMOTHER: [singing] Your fallen tears have called to me / So, here comes my sweet remedy / I know what every princess needs / For her to live life happily…
The woman floats up to her and pops the bubble. She notices Fiona, and both gasp.
GODMOTHER: Oh! Oh my dear. Oooh, look at you, you're all um...grown up. [chuckles]
FIONA: Um, who are you?
GODMOTHER: Oh, sweet pea! I’m your Fairy Godmother.
FIONA: I have a fairy godmother?
GODMOTHER: Shu-shu-shu--shush, shush. Now, don’t worry. I’m here to make it all better. With...just...a…
Godmother flies into the room and starts singing again.
GODMOTHER: ...wave of my magic wand! / Your troubles will soon be gone! / With a flick of the wrist and just a flash / You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash
She conjures up a load of gold coins.
GODMOTHER: A high-priced dress made by mice no less / Some crystal glass pumps / And no more stress
Out of the closet comes a sparkling gold dress that floats its way onto Fiona.
GODMOTHER: Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse / Confide in your very own furniture friends
The furniture starts to animate and move around. They begin to sing along.
GODMOTHER: We’ll help you set a new fashion trend!
Suddenly they are in a spacious room. A chair swoops up Fiona and carries her over to a mirror.
GODMOTHER: I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great
FURNITURE: The kind of girl a prince would date!
GODMOTHER: They’ll write your name on the bathroom wall…
MIRROR: For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!
GODMOTHER: A sporty carriage to ride in style / Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle
A giant pink carriage appears with the aforementioned Kyle laying down on top of it, who cracks a whip. The furniture dances around Fiona.
GODMOTHER: Banish your blemishes, tooth decay / Cellulite thighs will fade away! / And oh, what the hey! / Have a bichon frisé!
A small puppy lands in Fiona's hands. Various makeup appliances begin to pester Fiona.
GODMOTHER: Nip and tuck, here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair / Lipstick liners, shadows blush / To get that prince with the sexy tush / Lucky day, hunk buffet / You and your prince take a roll in the hay / You can spoon on the moon / With the prince to the tune
Godmother and Kyle begin to dance and the music gets faster and more frantic.
FIONA: Stop, please!
GODMOTHER: Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab / Your prince will have rock-hard abs / Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day / Have some chicken fricassee! / Nip and tuck, here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair--
FIONA: Stop!!
The music stops and Fiona's fancy dress turns to dust.
FIONA: (chuckles) Look...thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don’t need all this.
Godmother and the furniture collectively gasp, the furniture begins to shuffle away, grumbling.
Shrek starts knocking at the door and a shelf moves over to block it.
SHREK: Fiona? Fiona?
He forces his way in and to see Fairy Godmother floating next to Fiona, who has the puppy in her arms. The furniture move back to their original positions. Godmother looks surprised to see Shrek. Donkey comes running in.
DONKEY: Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
FIONA: Oh...uh…Fairy Godmother, furniture…I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
GODMOTHER: (in disbelief) Your husband? What--what did you say? When did this happen?
FIONA: Shrek is the one who rescued me.
GODMOTHER: But that can’t be right!
SHREK: Oh, great, more relatives!
FIONA: She’s just trying to help.
SHREK: Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.
Shrek opens up his suitcase.
FIONA: What?
DONKEY: Leaving? I don’t want to leave.
FIONA: When did you decide this?
SHREK: Shortly after arriving.
FIONA: Look, I I’m sorry…
GODMOTHER: No no no no, that’s all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me…happiness…is just a teardrop away.
Godmother holds out a business card to Fiona, but Shrek snatches it out of her hand.
SHREK: Thanks, but we’ve got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy!
GODMOTHER: So I see...let’s go, Kyle.
Godmother steps out the balcony and flies away in the pink carriage with Kyle driving.
FIONA: Very nice, Shrek.
SHREK: What? I told you coming here was a bad idea.
FIONA: You could’ve at least tried to get along with my father!
SHREK: Ya know, somehow I don’t think I was going to get Daddy’s blessing even if I did want it!
The dog starts barking.
FIONA: Well do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?
SHREK: Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?
FIONA: You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving like a…
SHREK: Go on! Say it!
FIONA: Like an ogre!
SHREK: Well here’s a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not… I am an ogre!
The dog continues to bark and Shrek roars in its face. It stops and cowers.
SHREK: And guess what, princess? That’s not about to change.
FIONA: I’ve made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.
Fiona steps out and the lets the door slam behind her.
DONKEY: That’s real smooth, Shrek. "I’m an ogre!" [mimics Shrek roaring]
Shrek goes to open the door but hears Fiona crying. He sighs and leans his back to the door.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. MASTER BEDROOM.
Up one floor from Fiona's room, Harold stands at a balcony. He has been listening the whole time.
HAROLD: I knew this would happen.
Lillian speaks from inside the room.
LILLIAN: You should. You started it.
Harold walks back inside the bedroom. Lillian is sitting in bed with a book in hand.
HAROLD: I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean really, he’s the ogre. Not me.
LILLIAN: I think, Harold, you’re taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona’s choice.
HAROLD: Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this…this...thing?
LILLIAN: Fiona does. And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold.
Harold sighs.
LILLIAN: Ugh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were young? And oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond and they were in bloom…
HAROLD: (starting to reminisce) Our first kiss... (snapping out of it) it’s not the same! I don’t think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!
LILLIAN: Oh, stop being such a drama king.
HAROLD: Fine! Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! (dances around) La, di, da, di, da, di da! Isn’t it all wonderful! I’d like to know how it could get any worse!
From behind him, Godmother's carriage floats up to the balcony and Godmother opens the door.
GODMOTHER: Hello, Harold.
Harold yelps.
LILLIAN: What happened?
HAROLD: Uh, nothing! Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I’ll... just stretch it out here for a while!
He walks out to the balcony and shuts the doors behind him.
GODMOTHER: You better get in. We need to talk.
HAROLD: Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about…
A large man steps behind Harold.
HAROLD: ...uh, we, we make this a quick visit. What? What?
INT. - GODMOTHER'S CARRAIGE
The man shoves him inside the carriage and enters after him. Harold is sat between the man and another similar looking man to his other side.
HAROLD: Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha!
The carriage flies off.
HAROLD: So, what’s new?
Godmother is sat across from Harold, and next to her sits Charming.
GODMOTHER: You remember my son, Prince Charming?
HAROLD: Charming! Oh! Is that you? My gosh! It's been years! How--when...when, when, when did you get back?
CHARMING: (calmly) Oh, about five minutes ago, actually... (angrily) after I endured blistering winds! Scorching desert! I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower–-
Charming, who is now standing up from his seat, is sat down by Godmother and shushed.
GODMOTHER: Mummy can handle this.. (continuing her son's rant) He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower!
HAROLD: But, but, but...
GODMOTHER: And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess--
HAROLD: If I could just--
GODMOTHER: --is already married!
HAROLD: I mean, It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t get there in time.
GODMOTHER: Stop the car!
The carriage comes to a sudden stop.
GODMOTHER: Harold...
The men crack their knuckles.
GODMOTHER: You force me to do something I really don’t want to do.
Godmother rolls down the window.
HAROLD: (gasps) Where are we?
The carriage is stopped at a drive-thru window.
PRICILLA: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy, may I take your order?
GODMOTHER: My diet is ruined! I hope you’re happy. (turns to the clerk) Er… okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo… chili ring...
CHARMING: I’ll have the Medieval Meal.
GODMOTHER: Yeah, one Medieval Meal and Harold… curly fries?
HAROLD: No, thank you.
GODMOTHER: Sourdough soft taco, then?
HAROLD: No, really, I’m fine.
PRICILLA: Your order, Fairy Godmother.
The clerk hands her their order in a bad, and then a large battle-axe.
PRICILLA: And this comes with the Medieval Meal.
GODMOTHER: There you are, dear.
Godmother hands Charming the axe. The carriage takes off.
GODMOTHER: You see we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go back on my part.
HAROLD: (sighs) Indeed not.
GODMOTHER: So Fiona and Charming will be together.
HAROLD: Yes.
GODMOTHER: Oh, believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best. Not only for your daughter…
Godmother bites into her food and talks with her mouth full.
GODMOTHER:...but for your Kingdom.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. MASTER BEDROOM.
They arrive back at the balcony of the master bedroom and Harold is pushed out.
HAROLD: What am I supposed to do about it?
The battle axe is tossed into Harold's hands.
GODMOTHER: Use your imagination.
Godmother shuts the door and the carriage flies off. Harold stands unsure, still clutching the axe, staring out at the moon.
EXT. - THE POISON APPLE. NIGHT.
A hooded man on horseback arrives at The Poison Apple, a ramshackle tavern. The man is Harold in disguise. He dismounts his horse and enters the tavern. He knocks on the door and an eye peeks out.
CYCLOPS: Oh…uh come on in, Your Majesty.
Cyclops opens the door and lets Harold in.
INT. - THE POISON APPLE.
The tavern is a seedy gathering of misfits. Pirates and witches sit at the tables. Two trees arm wrestle and two dwarfs fight. Someone is playing darts with throwing axes. Captain Hook plays the piano and sings. Harold tries to hide his identity with his cloak and walks over to the bar. Next to him, the Headless Horseman downs a drink and burps. Harold tries to get the attention of the bartender.
HAROLD: (clears his throat) Um, excuse me?
He turns to look down at a feminine frog sipping a martini on a stool.
MISS FROG: Hey. Do I know you?
HAROLD: Uh, no, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh… excuse me. I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister.
The bartender turns around and leans on the bar, scowling at Harold. It is Doris, otherwise known as the Ugly Stepsister.
HAROLD: Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I...I need to have someone taken care of.
DORIS: (in a deep voice) Who’s the guy?
HAROLD: Well, he’s not a guy, per se. Um… He’s an ogre.
The whole tavern gasps and Hook stop playing.
DORIS: Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fella who can handle a job like that, and, frankly…he don't like to be disturbed.
HAROLD: Where could I find him?
Harold knocks on a door and lets himself in. The room is completely dark, except for the moonlight shining through a window. A shadowy figure sits with their boots on a table.
HAROLD: H-Hello?
A pair of bright green eyes appear from the darkness.
PUSS: Who dares enter my room?
HAROLD: Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the one to talk to about an...ogre problem?
PUSS: You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.
HAROLD: Would… this be enough?
Harold tosses a small sack onto the table. Out from the shadows, a sword slices open the sack and gold coins spill out onto the table.
PUSS: Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services...your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Shrek and Fiona lay in bed, which is just big enough to fit them both. Fiona is fast asleep while Shrek is awake, tossing and turning. He notices an ornate clock that features a prince and princess kissing, and then turns onto his back. He then stares at a poster of a handsome man named Sir Justin stuck to the bottom of the canopy above them. Shrek gets out of bed and looks out the window and stares at the Far Far Away sign. He goes over to the fireplace to warm up, but notices Fiona's childhood toys on the mantelpiece. One is a figure of a knight, who is about to slay a fallen ogre. Shrek picks up a toy princess that resembles Fiona and it speaks.
PRINCESS TOY: Dear knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
Shrek puts the toy back and then looks over at a small chest on a table in the corner of the room. He opens it to see a book inside, but the box start playing music. He quickly shuts it and looks over to make sure Fiona is still sleeping. He quickly opens the box and snatches the book out from it. He opens it, and Fiona's voice reads it in his head.
FIONA: Dear Diary. Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after sunset.
He turns the page to the next entry in the diary.
FIONA: Dad says I’m going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school or something.
He scoffs and turns the page.
FIONA: Mom says that when I’m old enough, my Handsome Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family!
Turns the page.
FIONA: And we'll all live happily ever after!
With his mouth with open, Shrek turns to the next page.
FIONA: Mrs. Fiona Charming.
He frantically turns the pages which all read aloud "Mrs. Fiona Charming". He is surprised by a knock at the door, and sets the diary down. He opens the door to see Harold standing in the hall.
HAROLD: Sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
SHREK: No, no. I was just reading a, uh…a scary book.
HAROLD: I was hoping you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.
SHREK: Okay?..
HAROLD: I don’t know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over?
SHREK: Look, Your Majesty, I just…
SHREK: Please, call me Dad.
SHREK: Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other.
HAROLD: Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little...father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona.
Shrek stares back at Fiona, still asleep, then sighs.
HAROLD: Shall we say 7:30 by the old oak?
FOREST. DAY.
Shrek and Donkey are walking through a thick forest. Far Far Palace is far off over the hills behind them.
SHREK: Face it, Donkey! We’re lost.
DONKEY: We can’t be lost! We followed the king’s instructions exactly. What did he say? "Head to the darkest part of the woods…"
SHREK: Aye.
DONKEY: "Past the sinister trees with those scary-looking branches."
SHREK: Check.
Donkey runs over to a bush in the shape of a busty figure.
DONKEY: Yeah, and there’s the bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!
SHREK: We passed that bush three times already!
DONKEY: Hey, you were the one who said you didn't want to stop and get directions.
SHREK: Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona’s dad, and I end up lost in the woods with you!
DONKEY: Alright you don’t have to get huffy with me, I’m only trying to help.
SHREK: I know! I know. (sighs) I’m sorry, all right?
DONKEY: Hey, don’t worry about it.
SHREK: I just really need to make things work with this guy.
DONKEY: Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy.
Someone is looking at Shrek and Donkey from up in a tree. They are making purring sounds.
SHREK: Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring?
DONKEY: Man, what are you talking about? I ain’t purring.
SHREK: Oh, sure. What’s next? A hug?
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a…
A figure jumps down onto the path in front of them. It is an orange cat, wearing a hat, cape, boots, and brandishing a fencing sword.
PUSS: Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! (hisses)
SHREK: Hey look! A little cat.
DONKEY: Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!
SHREK: It’s a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty.
Puss throws off his cape, sticks his sword into the ground, and leaps towards Shrek. With his claws drawn he grabs onto Shrek's leg. Shrek screams in pain.
DONKEY: Hold on, Shrek! I’m coming!
Puss is climbing all over Shrek's body and gets into his clothes.
SHREK: Come on! Oh, get it off! Oh, get it off! Oh, God. Oh… No! Ooh! Aagh!
Puss comes ripping out the front of Shrek's shirt, and then digs his claws into his leg again.
DONKEY: Look out, Shrek! Hold still!
SHREK: Get it off!
DONKEY: Shrek! Hold still!
Donkey tries to kick Puss with his hind legs, but Puss dodges and hits Shrek in the crotch instead. Shrek drops to his knees and clutches the area,
DONKEY: Did I miss?
SHREK: No. You got them.
Puss leaps back over them, cartwheeling in the air, lands back in his boots and picks up his hat and sword.
PUSS: Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from… Puss…in Boots!
He cuts a letter P mark in a tree, similar to Zorro.
SHREK: (furious) Ohh, I’ll kill that cat!
PUSS: Ah-ha-ha!
Puss starts coughing and then heaving onto the floor. Shrek and Donkey stand confused until Puss finally spits out a hairball.
PUSS: (chuckles) Hairball.
DONKEY: Oh! That is nasty!
Shrek picks Puss up by the back of the neck.
SHREK: What should we do with him?
DONKEY: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here. Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
PUSS: (frightened) Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers…
Shrek covers Puss' mouth with his finger.
SHREK: Whoa...whoa...whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s father paid you to do this?
PUSS: The rich King? Sí.
Shrek drops Puss to the ground and he screeches.
SHREK: Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing.
DONKEY: Oh come on, Shrek, don’t feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
Shrek sits down on a nearby rock, looking down.
SHREK: Gee, thanks. (sighs) Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
PUSS: Si, that’s what the King said.
Donkey gives him a dirty look.
PUSS: Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
DONKEY: Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her.
SHREK: Well, it’s not like I wouldn’t change if I could. I just… I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone…
Shrek pulls out the business card he took from Fairy Godmother earlier. He reads it.
SHREK: "Happiness." "A tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.
DONKEY: Aw, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beating me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!
SHREK: No, Donkey! I need you to cry!
DONKEY: Yeah, well don’t go projecting on me! I know you’re feeling bad, but you gotta let your own--
Puss forcefully steps on Donkey's hoof. Donkey screams in pain.
DONKEY: You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of...
Donkey sheds a tear, and Shrek lets it fall onto the card. A bubble is conjured, and Fairy Godmother appears in it.
GODMOTHER: What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I’m either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we’ll be glad to make you a personal appointment. Have a happy ever after.
The bubble bursts into sparkling dust.
DONKEY: Oh…
SHREK: Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
DONKEY: That’s more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! (Singing) Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Whoo! We’re on the move!
Shrek and Donkey start walking off.
PUSS: Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.
SHREK: Join the club. We’ve got jackets.
PUSS: On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.
DONKEY: I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let’s go, Shrek! Shrek?
Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look. Shrek smiles.
DONKEY: Shrek!
SHREK: Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him… in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let’s keep him!
DONKEY: Say what?!
Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness,
DONKEY: Ahh!
Shrek scoops him up into his arms and begins walking with Donkey.
SHREK: Aw, listen. He’s purring!
DONKEY: Oh, so now it’s cute!
SHREK: Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
DONKEY: Lighten up? Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who’s telling who to lighten up!
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S BEDROOM. MORNING.
Fiona is awaken by the puppy licking her nose.
FIONA: [giggles] Shrek!
She looks up and the dog barks. She sits up with concerned look on her face,
FIONA: Shrek?
She gets up and walks to the balcony, only to notice the diary opened face down. She picks it up to a page of a drawing of Fiona and a prince kissing.
EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. MORNING.
Harold and Lillian are with servants outside in a courtyard, looking at different samples of carpet. Harold looks distracted,
LILLIAN: They’re both festive, aren’t they? What do you think, Harold?
HAROLD: Um… yes, yes. Fine. Fine.
Lillian scoffs and sends the servants away.
LILLIAN: Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s wedding ball.
HAROLD: Honestly, Lillian, I don’t think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball?
Fiona steps out from the palace doors.
FIONA: Mom! Dad!
LILLIAN: Oh, hello, dear.
HAROLD: What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming!
Harold walks off before Fiona reaches them.
FIONA: Mom, have you seen Shrek?
LILLIAN: I haven’t. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He’s a little slow this morning.
Harold walks up to Cedric, a servant, who is carrying a bowl.
CEDRIC: Can I help you, Your Majesty?
HAROLD: Ah, yes! Um…
Harold sticks his finger into the bowl and tastes it.
HAROLD: Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish?
CEDRIC: That would be the dog’s breakfast, Your Majesty.
HAROLD: Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric.
Fiona catches up and Cedric walks away.
FIONA: Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?
HAROLD: Uh, no I haven’t, dear.
Harold walks off again, going up to servants and trying to appear busy.
HAROLD: I’m sure he just went off to look for a nice… mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night.
FIONA: Oh. You heard that, huh?
Harold continues to walk away but Fiona keeps up.
HAROLD: Darling, the whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute.
FIONA: Him? You know, you didn’t exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon!
HAROLD: Well, what did you expect?! Look at what he’s done to you.
FIONA: Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you’d be happy for me.
HAROLD: Darling, I’m just thinking about what’s best for you. Maybe you should do the same.
Harold leaves and leaves Fiona standing.
FOREST
Donkey is walking behind Shrek, who is still carrying Puss. Donkey eyes Puss suspiciously as he whispers into Shrek's ear. Shrek glances back at Donkey.
SHREK: No, really?
Shrek and Puss laugh. They walk out into a clearing.
DONKEY: Oh…
EXT. - FAIRY GODMOTHER'S COTTAGE
Off in the distance they see a small cottage. Connected to it is a giant factory with colored gases rising out from its chimneys.
DONKEY: Oh, no. That’s the ol' Keebler’s place! Let’s just back away slowly.
PUSS: That’s the Fairy Godmother’s cottage. She’s the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.
SHREK: Then why don’t we pop in there for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell!
Shrek chuckles while Puss laughs loudly and they walk on. With an annoyed look on his face, Donkey follows them.
PUSS: He makes me laugh!
INT. - FAIRY GODMOTHER'S COTTAGE
The three enter through the front door of the cottage and into a reception area. At the desk sits an elf writing into a book.
SHREK: Hi. I’m here to see the--
JEROME: The Fairy Godmother. I’m sorry. She is not in.
Godmother's voice sounds from a speaker system next to the receptionist.
GODMOTHER: Jerome, coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!
JEROME: [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she’s not seeing any clients today, OK?
SHREK: That’s OK, buddy. We’re from the union.
JEROME: The union?
SHREK: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
JEROME: Oh! Oh, right.
SHREK: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Jerome turns the speaker to face the other way.
JEROME: Uh… a little. W--w--we don’t even have dental.
SHREK: They don’t even have dental. Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it’d be better if the Fairy Godmother didn’t know we were here. Know what I’m saying? Huh?
DONKEY: Hmm?
SHREK: Huh?
DONKEY: Huh? Huh? Huh?!
SHREK: Stop it.
JEROME: (whispers) Of course. Go right in.
The three walk through a door next to the receptionist.
INT. - POTION FACTORY
From up above on a catwalk, the three look out at the factory. The workers are all elves wearing white hazmat suits. Chemicals are poured into giant vats. Potions are put onto conveyor belts. Ingredients are tested and mixed. Shrek notices a set of doors at the other end of the room with a sign above that reads "Potion Room". They see flashing lights accompanied by booming sounds coming from a doorway to their right. They head inside and walk down a hallway, which leads to another set of doors. They can hear the Godmother behind it as well as the source of the flashes.
GODMOTHER: A drop of desire! [giggles] Naughty!
Inside a giant cauldron pours out gas as Godmother dumps various vials into it.
GODMOTHER: A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of…lust! [laughs]
SHREK: Excuse me.
Shrek and company walk in, and Godmother gasps.
SHREK: Sorry to barge in like this but uh--
GODMOTHER: What in Grimm’s name are you doing here?
SHREK: Well...it seems that Fiona’s not exactly happy.
GODMOTHER: Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some question as to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we?
Godmother hovers over to wall of bookshelves filled with books.
GODMOTHER: Ah. P, P, P, P, P…Princess.
She pulls out a book titled "Cinderella".
GODMOTHER: Cinderella! Here we are. "Lived happily ever after." Oh…[laughs] No ogres!
She tosses the book to the ground and pulls out another.
GODMOTHER: Let’s see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh...no ogres.
She continues to pull out books and toss them.
GODMOTHER: Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman…No, no, no, no, no!
She flies down and gets in Shrek's face.
GODMOTHER: You see, ogres don’t live happily ever after.
Shrek jams his finger at Godmother.
SHREK: All right, look, lady!
GODMOTHER: Don’t you point… those dirty green sausages at me!
They get closer towards each other and glare into each other's eyes. They are interrupted by a worker who comes through the door.
WORKER: Your Monte Cristo and coffee--oh! Sorry.
SHREK: Ah… that’s okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother.
GODMOTHER: Just… go. Come on, guys.
The three head back out the doors. A worker pushing a cart walks by the janitor's closet. It opens and Shrek pulls him and the cart inside. Shrek puts the hazmat suit on which only manages to cover his head. He walks through the factory floor pushing the cart.
SHREK: TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac?
He enters the Potion Room he saw earlier. He opens the cart to reveal Puss and Donkey crammed inside.
PUSS: Oh! Eh!
DONKEY: Hey man, you wanna get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face? Man, that stinks!
PUSS: Well you don’t exactly smell like a basket of roses.
Shrek looks up at the shelves built into the walls around them. The shelves are filled with different potions.
SHREK: Well, one of these has got to help.
PUSS: Ah, I was just concocting this very plan. Already our minds are becoming one.
DONKEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa now. Listen, if we need an expert on licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call. Shrek, this is a bad idea.
SHREK: Look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top?
PUSS: No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela! (laughs)
DONKEY: Shrek, are you off your nut?
SHREK: Donkey, keep watch.
DONKEY: Keep watch? Yeah, Imma keep watch. I’ll watch that wicked witch come and whammy zammy a world of hurt all up your backside. I'm gonna laugh, too. I’ll be giggling to myself.
Donkey walks back the door to stand on guard. Puss climbs up the shelves and stops at a glowing green vial.
SHREK: What do you see?
PUSS: "Toad Stool Softener"?
DONKEY: Oh yeah, right, I’m sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems!
Puss continues to climb up and stop every so often.
PUSS: "Elfa Seltzer"?
SHREK: Uh-uh.
PUSS: "Hex Lax"?
SHREK: No! Try "handsome."
PUSS: Sorry. No handsome.
Puss stops at a row of potions kept behind a glass display case.
PUSS: Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"?
SHREK: Well, what does it do?
PUSS: It says "Beauty Divine."
DONKEY: You know in some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of all creatures. Especially us talking ones.
Donkey, not paying attention to the door, doesn't notice a worker and Jerome staring at them.
SHREK: [gasps] Donkey!
Donkey looks back and Jerome and the worker run off. Donkey runs back to Shrek and the door shuts.
SHREK: That’ll have to do. We’ve got company!
Puss uses his claw to cut a hole in the glass.
DONKEY: Can we get on with this?
Puss tries to pull out the Happily Ever After potion, but the hole he made is just too small for it to fit.
SHREK: Hurry!
Puss tries to force the potion through and the glass starts to crack. It shatters as the bottle is pulled out, sending Puss flying. Donkey manage to catch the falling potion with his mouth.
SHREK: Nice catch, Donkey!
Puss lands on his feet.
PUSS: Finally! A good use for your mouth.
An alarm sounds and red lights flash. At the doorway, a metal gate starts to lower down.
SHREK: Come on!
Shrek grabs Donkey and Puss and diver under the gate. Puss reaches back for his hat just before the gate slams down. A group of elves run in with rapid-fire crossbows and shoot at them. Shrek, still carrying Donkey and Puss, dodges the arrows and jumps onto a conveyer belt. They continue to dodge the arrows as they climb over various wooden machinery. Shrek tips over a giant cauldron, filled with a potion, and the substance spills onto the floor. The elves run away as Shrek jumps up and grabs onto a pulley system that leads back to the entrance. The potion splashes over a cage of two geese and turns them into ballerinas. Two workers are caught in it and are transformed into a clock and a candelabra. Another group of fleeing elves are turned into doves. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss reach the end of the room and jump onto the catwalk. Later, the potion has dried up and Fairy Godmother shouts at the doves.
GODMOTHER: I don’t care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up!
DOVES: Yes, Godmother.
GODMOTHER: And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!
Prince Charming comes bursting through the doors behind her.
CHARMING: Mother!
GODMOTHER: Charming. Sweetheart. Well This isn’t a good time, pumpkin. Mama’s working.
CHARMING: Whoa, what happened here?
GODMOTHER: The ogre, that’s what!
CHARMING: What?! Where is he, Mom?
Charming pulls his sword out from its sheath and starts swinging it around.
CHARMING: I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me!
Bird poop lands on his shoulder.
CHARMING: Oh, put it away, Junior! You’re still going to be king. We’ll just have to come up with something smarter.
Jerome, who is now a dove, flies over carrying a clipboard.
JEROME: Pardon. Um…e-everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother. Except for one potion.
Godmother takes a look at the clipboard.
GODMOTHER: What? Oh… I do believe we can make this work to our advantage.
FOREST - DAY
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are walking through a clearing. Shrek reads the label on the potion.
SHREK: "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."
DONKEY: You both will be fine?
SHREK: I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too.
Shrek pops the cork out from the bottle.
DONKEY: Hey, man, this don’t feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o’ voodoo and let’s get out of here.
SHREK: It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be?
Shrek sniffs the potion and sneezes mucus onto a mushroom. The mucus is sparkling blue.
DONKEY: Aha! See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’re gonna have a reaction. And if you think that I’ll be smearing VapoRub all over your chest, think again!
PUSS: Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
DONKEY: Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there's gonna be any animal testing, I’m gonna do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle.
Donkey grabs the bottle with his mouth and jugs some of it down. Shrek grabs the bottle.
SHREK: How do you feel?
DONKEY: Well I don’t feel any different. I look any different?
PUSS: You still look like an ass to me.
SHREK: Maybe it doesn’t work on donkeys. Well, here’s to us, Fiona.
DONKEY: Shrek? You drink that, there’s no going back.
SHREK: I know.
DONKEY: But, no more wallowing in the mud?
SHREK: I know.
DONKEY: No more itchy butt crack?
SHREK: I know!
DONKEY: But you love being an ogre!
SHREK: I know! (sighs) But I love Fiona more.
DONKEY: Shrek, no! Wait!
Shrek drinks the rest of the potion. His stomach starts rumbling, and Puss and Donkey take cover behind a fallen log. Shrek lets out a loud fart and the two come out from cover.
DONKEY: Ooh, got to be… I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
PUSS: Maybe it’s a dud.
SHREK: Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
Suddenly, thunder sounds and gray clouds move in above them.
DONKEY: Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I think I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die!
It starts raining on the three.
DONKEY: Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I’m melting! I’m melting!
SHREK: It’s just the rain, Donkey.
DONKEY: [chuckles] Oh.
As they walk off, they don't notice the mushroom Shrek sneezed on transform into a rose. They eventually come across an abandoned barn in the forest. Shrek opens the gates and they head inside.
EXT. - ABANDONED BARN
Shrek looks out from the barn, solemnly starting at Far Far Away way off in the distance. Shrek looks down at Donkey and pats his head.
DONKEY: Shrek, don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
Puss hisses at Donkey.
DONKEY: lt’ll be better in the morning. You’ll see. (singing) The sun’ll come out…tomorrow. [yawns] Bet your bottom…
SHREK: Bet my bottom?
DONKEY: I’m coming, Elizabeth!
Donkey rears back and falls to the floor unconscious.
SHREK: Donkey? Are you all right?
PUSS: Hey, boss. Let’s shave him.
SHREK: D-Donkey?..
Shrek passes out and falls down. Puss screams.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE
Harold and Lillian are sat by a fireplace when Fiona walks in.
HAROLD: There you are! We missed you at dinner.
LILLIAN: What is it, darling?
FIONA: Dad…I’ve been thinking about what you said. And I’m going to set things right.
HAROLD: Ah! Excellent! That’s my girl.
FIONA: It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I’m going to go out and find him. And then we're gonna go back to the swamp where we belong.
Fiona walks out of the room and grabs her suitcase. Harold and Lillian follow her.
LILLIAN: Fiona, please!
HAROLD: Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere right now.
Fiona pushes open the front doors of the palace and looks out at the rain. Before she can step forward, she passes out and falls to the floor.
HAROLD: Fiona...
LILLIAN: Fiona!
Harold and Lillian run over to Fiona and kneel over her.
INT. - ABANDONED BARN
Posed similarly, Puss runs over to Shrek and Donkey's unconscious bodies. He lies down beside them.
EXT. - ABANDONED BARN
We see a bright, sparkling purple light emit from the barn. It fades.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S CHILDHOOD ROOM.
Harold and Lillian tend to Fiona, who they have tucked into bed. Lillian walks off, and Harold follows after lingering for a few moments.
EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S CHILDHOOD ROOM.
A similar bright light flashes in Fiona's room before fading.
INT. - ABANDONED BARN. MORNING.
Eyes slowly open. Women can be heard whispering.
MAIDEN #2: Look look look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Look at him!
MAIDEN #1: Shh! Quiet!
MAIDEN #2: Look at him!
Shrek groans. A woman laying down, staring at him, comes into focus.
JILL: Good morning, sleepyhead.
Shrek shouts and sits up. Three women are sitting beside him, and one of them is holding Puss in her arms.
JILL & MAIDENS: Good morning!
MAIDEN #2: We love your kitty!
SHREK: Oww…my head…
JILL: Here, I fetched a pail of water.
SHREK: Thanks.
Shrek looks at down at his hands and gasps, noticing they are now human hands. He grabs the pail of water and looks at his reflection. He is now a handsome, human man. He gasps and drops the pail onto the floor. He starts to feel his new body.
SHREK: Oh!.. A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks?! I’m… I’m…
Jill and Maiden #1 latch onto Shrek.
JILL: Gorgeous!
MAIDEN #1: I’ll say.
JILL: I’m Jill. What’s your name?
SHREK: Um… Shrek.
JILL: "Shrek"? Wow...are you from Europe?
MAIDEN #1: You’re so tense!
JILL: I want to rub his shoulders.
MAIDEN #1: I got it covered, thanks.
Maiden #2 joins in.
MAIDEN #2: I don’t have anything to rub!
JILL: Well, get in line.
SHREK: Have you ladies seen my donkey?
DONKEY: Who are you calling donkey?!
Donkey stands in the doorway. He is now a white stallion.
SHREK: Donkey? You’re a--
DONKEY: A stallion, baby! I can whinny! [whinnies] I can count!
Donkey starts to trot around outside.
DONKEY: Look at me, Shrek! I’m...trotting! That’s some quality potion! What’s in that stuff?
PUSS: "Oh, don’t take the potion, Mr. Boss, it’s very bad." Pah!
Puss picks up the discarded potion bottle and reads the label.
PUSS: "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with… nervous disorders."
DONKEY: I’m trotting, I’m trotting in place! Yeah!
Shrek, Puss, and the maidens all stare at Donkey.
DONKEY: What?
PUSS: Señor!
Puss reads the rest of the label.
PUSS: "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love’s kiss by midnight."
Shrek grabs the potion to read it for himself.
SHREK: Midnight?! Why is it always midnight?
MAIDEN #1: Oh! Pick me! I’ll be your true love!
JILL: I’ll be your true love.
MAIDEN #2: I’ll be true!...enough.
SHREK: Look, ladies, I already have a true love.
The maidens start puckering their lips and Shrek backs away.
SHREK: Look! Ladies! I already have a true love.
The woman groan in disappointment.
PUSS: And take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess.
DONKEY: And let’s face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. But inside you’re the still same old, mean, salty…
SHREK: Easy--
DONKEY: …cantankerous, stinky...
SHREK: Alright then--
DONKEY: …foul, angry ogre you always been.
SHREK: And you’re still the same annoying donkey.
DONKEY: Yeah.
SHREK: Well…look out, princess. Here comes the new me!
Shrek's pants fall down to his ankles. His clothes are much too big for him now.
DONKEY: First things first, we need to get you out of those clothes.
The women all gasp in excitement.
FOREST. MORNING.
A carriage is traveling on a road through the forest. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are hidden further up the road.
SHREK: Ready?
DONKEY: Ready!
The carriage hits a bump and Donkey screams behind them. A passenger inside the carriage leans out his head.
NOBLEMAN: Driver, stop!
The nobleman gets out to examine Donkey, who is writhing on the ground.
DONKEY: Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I’m blind! I’m blind! Tell the truth, will I ever play the violin again?
NOBLEMAN: Oh, you poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you?
DONKEY: Well, I guess there is one thing...
Donkey drops the act and Puss jumps out from behind him, pointing his sword at the nobleman.
PUSS: Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers!
Shrek puts on the nobleman's powdered wig and his clothes, which are much too small for him.
PUSS: Not bad.
DONKEY: Not bad at all.
After a moment of silence, the two burst out laughing. The nobleman's son peeks out from inside the carriage.
NOBLEMAN'S SON: Father? Is everything all right, Father?
The son gets a look at the scene and tries to hide back inside. Shrek takes his clothes, leaving both the nobleman and his son stranded in their undergarments. Shrek saddles up on Donkey's back with Puss.
SHREK: Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you! Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget.
Donkey whinnies and rears back onto his hind legs, knocking Puss off. Donkey sprints off, leaving Puss muttering angrily in Spanish.
KINGDOM OF FAR FAR AWAY. DAY.
Shrek and Puss are riding Donkey through the streets of Far Far Away. Shrek looks uneasy as people in the streets stop and stare. Shrek cautiously waves at an angry mob, who to his surprise, smile and wave back at him. Shrek admires the new "him" in the mirror and waves at three noblewomen ogling at him. Donkey kicks into a faster pace and towards the Far Far Away Palace.
EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. DAY.
They stop at the foot of the stairs leading up to the palace doors. Two guards stand by the stairs.
GUARD: Halt!
SHREK: Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S CHILDHOOD ROOM.
Fiona gest out of bed and walks over to the mirror to wash her face. As she takes the towel away from her face, she sees her reflection in the mirror; she is a human again. She screams and Shrek hears her from outside.
SHREK: Fiona!
FIONA: Shrek?
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE.
Shrek runs inside the palace to find Fiona. Fiona runs out of her room to do the same. The two almost cross each other's pass.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S CHILDHOOD ROOM.
Shrek runs into Fiona's room and sees a cloaked figure hovering by the window.
SHREK: Fiona?
The figure takes off the cloak and reveals themselves to be Fairy Godmother.
GODMOTHER: Hello, handsome.
EXT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE.
Fiona runs outside and down the stairs, not recognizing Donkey in his new form.
FIONA: Shrek!
DONKEY: Princess!
FIONA: Donkey?..
DONKEY: Wow! That potion worked on you too, huh?
FIONA: What potion?
DONKEY: Oh its kind of a long story but, see, Shrek and I took some magic potion. And well, now...we’re sexy!
Fiona leans over to see Puss sitting on Donkey's back.
FIONA: Shrek?..
PUSS: For you, baby… I could be.
DONKEY: Yeah, you wish.
FIONA: Donkey, where is Shrek?
DONKEY: He just went inside looking for you.
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE.
Fiona runs back inside and yells loudly.
FIONA: Shrek!
INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. FIONA'S CHILDHOOD ROOM.
SHREK: Fiona! Fiona!
Shrek runs for the door, but Godmother uses her magic to close it. One of the talking pieces of furniture from before moves in his way.
FURNITURE: You want to dance, pretty boy?
Shrek tries to run out to the balcony but Godmother shuts those doors as well.
GODMOTHER: Are you going so soon? Don’
Is your argument to send me a paragraph of a play?
We got homophobic btches commenting under YAOI webtoon