i've finally reread this story from the beginning for the first time since 2022 after forgetting the plot, and this is legitimately one of the most compelling stories i've read in a while. i couldn't put it down; everything feels so intentional and incredibly well-thought out; from the characterizations to the parallels and the progression, there's a realism to how it all unfolds. even the dialogue is so so good -- "mister your son is gay" SENT ME and attests to the kind of person jeoh is, but what i loved about that scene especially is how it demonstrates jeoh's perspective of his partner, how much he does in fact cherish him. and reinforces how there really is nothing they want in this world but to simply be together. and despite the hardships they've gone through (and will go through honestly the plot is SO RIVETING as well, incredible pacing and tension) there are such tender moments, like the times they'd joke about marriage. the contrast is so good.
ik a lot of us are prob here for the smut, but even the way their relationship has progressed feels so...realistic and gratifying. every time they've had sex, besides the one time SR forced himself on it (i was upset, but at least it wasn’t gratuitous; the possessiveness made sense as a feeble attempt to keep jeoh, and im glad it's not made light of with how the author depicts SA, which i'll get to in a second) you can see how he's repeatedly, without failure always sucking his tit and eating his ass T_T and author spends the time drawing it, and it may feel like nothing but it’s details like this that give it such realism; it really does mirror the kind of...unwavering loyalty and devotion his love for jeoh takes. the care he expressed even early on, in cleaning him out and constantly asking him questions about what he likes, if it turns him off. the chemistry and exchanges between them are, even if riddled with insults lol its so..personable. which makes the buildup to when seungrok told him jeoh he loved him so fucking moving, and it is on par with the exposition--where jeoh wishes for a miracle, a god; and there he appears. like. the weight or significance of everything they do, how that registers for each other. how loved and cared for both jeoh and the madam feel by seungrok, and what’s brought back by hangyeol; it is about dignity, about one’s humanity, at the end of the day. what si-eon could never achieve and what he couldn’t realize himself. and also, sex workers are typically some of the sharpest and politically rad people and their line of work involves so much emotional labour as well. so the fact that jeoh and the madam (sorry I forget her name) can read people like open books makes so much sense, like jeoh read that man to filth and his honesty, while rare, is also such a gift. like, that was a gift he gave si-eon, and we see that with how afterwards there is confirmation that no one would ever be real with si-eon bc of what he could give to ppl. a vicious cycle that yeah I get why ppl aren’t so keen on the redemption arc, but if anything, i’m sure it’ll be an interesting ride, to see how this 37yo man-child steps up now that he’s realized his own bs. the depth of characterization is such a strong suit in this series that I’m simply down to see where the author takes it.
bc seungrok and jeoh def started off rocky, but still author was able to sculpt something really tender despite. sure they’re obsessed with each other (tbh i am too) but it’s also sweet. they tread carefully to never cross over into the seriousness of their attachment—which is so innocent imo?—but there's always a sort of sincerity to them. of how much they mutually want each other, and need each other. and so, even if they're beating a bit around the bush of what they are afraid to admit to each other (which in of itself, makes so much sense; to admit you are in love—to be so vulnerable, when you've grown up as the vomit of a system, for the both of them, is so scary; shit it’s scary when you’re not even in the gutters like they are) there is still a substance to their relationship. beyond mere lust and ‘dependency’, it is really about two people who saw each other's humanity; warts and all, and what others do so easily shun (we see this when characters are like ‘those disgusting homos!’ but my bisexual king seungrok would never)
I also really appreciate how the series deals with SA and trauma; the hypersexuality and substance abuse that jeoh fell into when he stepped into chief position must have been so..triggering. and that was handled with such tenderness, and I’m really glad seungrok is the character he is, because he extends that care in the story as well. and that’s exactly the kind of care and humanity that survivors need. and more than anything, trauma takes place when you’re dealing with it alone and have a harmful narrative about the event; it doesn’t have the hold it can on you (speaking as someone with cptsd) when people around you validate your experiences and emotions. how they allow you to go through the highs and lows, without judgment. when seungrok told him he didn’t need to laugh about being raped, and how he immediately broke. because that’s all you need sometimes: someone telling you hey, that was fucked up and your reaction is completely normal. how you feel is so normal. of course, of course.
and how that narrative of ‘am I an accident to you’ tying us back to seungrok’s unresolved feelings about his birth and mother; was I a curse or a blessing? it’s so easy to understand why he felt he had no meaning, why he’d been so aimless. but the truth is you are always changing the world. even if say, jeoh hadn’t totalled the car and actually held true to his word, where they never would have gotten this far in their relationship, seungrok did find meaning in saving jeoh. he couldn’t ignore his pain, either way, and that was sufficient to break someone out of a cage they were forced into. in our actual lives, you can really underestimate the impact you have on people, but a simple conversation you may not remember can really be something some stranger is still holding onto.
also mind you, I don’t think it’s necessarily okay for jeoh to be doing the work his position entails, and this can launch us into a discourse, but I also don’t think that matters; he doesn’t seem to care about being a ‘good person’, and genuinely I love that the author doesn’t focus on morality or good vs. bad. on a wider note and speaking philosophically, that’s still a binary. everyone is capable of harm; it’s what you do in the aftermath that matters most, or how you’ve elected to respond in the specific corner of the world you are in. that’s what matters. jeoh knows he can’t wipe out this industry—that’s the whole premise of the plot, with the madam. but he does what he can, where he can. he gets frustrated about the look on seungrok’s face and totals the car. he advises hangyeol to watch out, to get out. and this is the whole reason why I sat down to even start writing this: the parallel between him giving the same fucking knife he was given by the madam. I initially thought, oh fuck is he going to set up this poor guy that is also his past self? but beautifully, he doesn’t because he doesn't treat him like a pawn. he understands he can’t force hangyeol to do otherwise when it comes to sieon even if jeoh ‘knows’ better, but I think that’s also what makes it special for someone like jeoh to be in his position. he isn’t infantalizing nor condescending. he can understand hangyeol’s strength and reticence. he's seeing him as a person, a human being. that's not a tool; and that’s probably where the madam went wrong. I actually really love her characterization, and its seriously harrowing to see the family she imagines herself having with seungrok. she’s doing what she has to do, and we can argue from her perspective that seungrok simply didn’t have enough faith. but that’s also something that was there all along, with how he didn’t burn the letter. there was always a doubt, in how she doesn’t answer questions and brings shit up like DATING ANOTHER MAN suddenly, without mentioning they're getting married. there’s a lack of sincerity he's felt w her, even if what she wants with him is true. isn’t that so fucked up? she lost it all because she was thinking too much about how she should play it—down to when she thinks he’s visiting her. how she’s happy, but that she doesn’t think he should know that. she played her cards wrong. and that must hurt so much that yeah I understand she has nothing better to say than ‘those disgusting homos’ because she can’t deal with how she fumbled. but at the same time I understand? it’s a control thing. and also a measure of how hard she is working to ensure her future. it’s…admirable. on a character level i mean--she’s definitely ruined lives but here everyone has too to a certain extent.
we aren’t dealing with perfect characters and I love that; perfection doesn’t exist. and that doesn’t take away from the story for me at all, in fact it's what makes it so fucking special sobs. I actually like it that jeoh isn’t a ‘no I will never stoop to what those I hated did’ because that wouldn’t really be…realistic to people who have had absolutely nothing and no one on their side, and were forced to sell themselves like that. and we see the ‘price’ he has to pay for that, what comes to haunt him. and we see how he decides to respond. so thematically too with the whole chess game there's SO MUCH THERE(#@$#@$@#)!()!DOFD that i can't even get into cause here but I don’t know that I’d say jeoh’s a pawn—I’d have to go back to reread the descriptions, but seungroks definitely cannon. if anything jeoh feels like the king (from seungrok’s perspective); but here jeoh is also trying to protect seungrok and it is so fucking touching T_T how he goes ‘oh…’ and blushes knowing he wants to meet his deadbeat father? like that man is so in love with you jeoh. GOD.
overall, the existentialist themes this story broaches is fucking fantastic. the reframing of meaning, of narratives is so poetic. their relationship means so much to me LMAO like I am so unwell with how much they love each other, what their love does for each other. you can tell from the way they talk to each other it’s so endearing. and how they initially skirt around it, because it is deemed as a vulnerability (#abandonmentissues) a weakness, but with the foundation they’ve been steadily building, it becomes…a strength. just as jeoh said; whatever trials and tribulations come their way actually fortifies their bond. and so, it is something they’ve affirmed. what good is regret, then? meaning--life is what you make of it. and whatever ends up happening, especially when it’s painful, know that it was also part of a grander process without which you could have arrived to later precious moments. we never know how things are going to turn out, and even if mired in anxieties, uncertainty is a good thing because that means that they can go any which way. so keep going, even if you can't see the end.
i could honestly go on forever but if u read this far ty ily this became such a hyperfixation. i'm so impressed with the depth this author is able to go--treating themes many will shy away from or do so in poor taste with such care is so incredible. the way they write is so evocative and poetic i wish i could tell them how rich their story is.
i've finally reread this story from the beginning for the first time since 2022 after forgetting the plot, and this is legitimately one of the most compelling stories i've read in a while. i couldn't put it down; everything feels so intentional and incredibly well-thought out; from the characterizations to the parallels and the progression, there's a realism to how it all unfolds. even the dialogue is so so good -- "mister your son is gay" SENT ME and attests to the kind of person jeoh is, but what i loved about that scene especially is how it demonstrates jeoh's perspective of his partner, how much he does in fact cherish him. and reinforces how there really is nothing they want in this world but to simply be together. and despite the hardships they've gone through (and will go through honestly the plot is SO RIVETING as well, incredible pacing and tension) there are such tender moments, like the times they'd joke about marriage. the contrast is so good.
ik a lot of us are prob here for the smut, but even the way their relationship has progressed feels so...realistic and gratifying. every time they've had sex, besides the one time SR forced himself on it (i was upset, but at least it wasn’t gratuitous; the possessiveness made sense as a feeble attempt to keep jeoh, and im glad it's not made light of with how the author depicts SA, which i'll get to in a second) you can see how he's repeatedly, without failure always sucking his tit and eating his ass T_T and author spends the time drawing it, and it may feel like nothing but it’s details like this that give it such realism; it really does mirror the kind of...unwavering loyalty and devotion his love for jeoh takes. the care he expressed even early on, in cleaning him out and constantly asking him questions about what he likes, if it turns him off. the chemistry and exchanges between them are, even if riddled with insults lol its so..personable. which makes the buildup to when seungrok told him jeoh he loved him so fucking moving, and it is on par with the exposition--where jeoh wishes for a miracle, a god; and there he appears. like. the weight or significance of everything they do, how that registers for each other. how loved and cared for both jeoh and the madam feel by seungrok, and what’s brought back by hangyeol; it is about dignity, about one’s humanity, at the end of the day. what si-eon could never achieve and what he couldn’t realize himself. and also, sex workers are typically some of the sharpest and politically rad people and their line of work involves so much emotional labour as well. so the fact that jeoh and the madam (sorry I forget her name) can read people like open books makes so much sense, like jeoh read that man to filth and his honesty, while rare, is also such a gift. like, that was a gift he gave si-eon, and we see that with how afterwards there is confirmation that no one would ever be real with si-eon bc of what he could give to ppl. a vicious cycle that yeah I get why ppl aren’t so keen on the redemption arc, but if anything, i’m sure it’ll be an interesting ride, to see how this 37yo man-child steps up now that he’s realized his own bs. the depth of characterization is such a strong suit in this series that I’m simply down to see where the author takes it.
bc seungrok and jeoh def started off rocky, but still author was able to sculpt something really tender despite. sure they’re obsessed with each other (tbh i am too) but it’s also sweet. they tread carefully to never cross over into the seriousness of their attachment—which is so innocent imo?—but there's always a sort of sincerity to them. of how much they mutually want each other, and need each other. and so, even if they're beating a bit around the bush of what they are afraid to admit to each other (which in of itself, makes so much sense; to admit you are in love—to be so vulnerable, when you've grown up as the vomit of a system, for the both of them, is so scary; shit it’s scary when you’re not even in the gutters like they are) there is still a substance to their relationship. beyond mere lust and ‘dependency’, it is really about two people who saw each other's humanity; warts and all, and what others do so easily shun (we see this when characters are like ‘those disgusting homos!’ but my bisexual king seungrok would never)
I also really appreciate how the series deals with SA and trauma; the hypersexuality and substance abuse that jeoh fell into when he stepped into chief position must have been so..triggering. and that was handled with such tenderness, and I’m really glad seungrok is the character he is, because he extends that care in the story as well. and that’s exactly the kind of care and humanity that survivors need. and more than anything, trauma takes place when you’re dealing with it alone and have a harmful narrative about the event; it doesn’t have the hold it can on you (speaking as someone with cptsd) when people around you validate your experiences and emotions. how they allow you to go through the highs and lows, without judgment. when seungrok told him he didn’t need to laugh about being raped, and how he immediately broke. because that’s all you need sometimes: someone telling you hey, that was fucked up and your reaction is completely normal. how you feel is so normal. of course, of course.
and how that narrative of ‘am I an accident to you’ tying us back to seungrok’s unresolved feelings about his birth and mother; was I a curse or a blessing? it’s so easy to understand why he felt he had no meaning, why he’d been so aimless. but the truth is you are always changing the world. even if say, jeoh hadn’t totalled the car and actually held true to his word, where they never would have gotten this far in their relationship, seungrok did find meaning in saving jeoh. he couldn’t ignore his pain, either way, and that was sufficient to break someone out of a cage they were forced into. in our actual lives, you can really underestimate the impact you have on people, but a simple conversation you may not remember can really be something some stranger is still holding onto.
also mind you, I don’t think it’s necessarily okay for jeoh to be doing the work his position entails, and this can launch us into a discourse, but I also don’t think that matters; he doesn’t seem to care about being a ‘good person’, and genuinely I love that the author doesn’t focus on morality or good vs. bad. on a wider note and speaking philosophically, that’s still a binary. everyone is capable of harm; it’s what you do in the aftermath that matters most, or how you’ve elected to respond in the specific corner of the world you are in. that’s what matters. jeoh knows he can’t wipe out this industry—that’s the whole premise of the plot, with the madam. but he does what he can, where he can. he gets frustrated about the look on seungrok’s face and totals the car. he advises hangyeol to watch out, to get out. and this is the whole reason why I sat down to even start writing this: the parallel between him giving the same fucking knife he was given by the madam. I initially thought, oh fuck is he going to set up this poor guy that is also his past self? but beautifully, he doesn’t because he doesn't treat him like a pawn. he understands he can’t force hangyeol to do otherwise when it comes to sieon even if jeoh ‘knows’ better, but I think that’s also what makes it special for someone like jeoh to be in his position. he isn’t infantalizing nor condescending. he can understand hangyeol’s strength and reticence. he's seeing him as a person, a human being. that's not a tool; and that’s probably where the madam went wrong. I actually really love her characterization, and its seriously harrowing to see the family she imagines herself having with seungrok. she’s doing what she has to do, and we can argue from her perspective that seungrok simply didn’t have enough faith. but that’s also something that was there all along, with how he didn’t burn the letter. there was always a doubt, in how she doesn’t answer questions and brings shit up like DATING ANOTHER MAN suddenly, without mentioning they're getting married. there’s a lack of sincerity he's felt w her, even if what she wants with him is true. isn’t that so fucked up? she lost it all because she was thinking too much about how she should play it—down to when she thinks he’s visiting her. how she’s happy, but that she doesn’t think he should know that. she played her cards wrong. and that must hurt so much that yeah I understand she has nothing better to say than ‘those disgusting homos’ because she can’t deal with how she fumbled. but at the same time I understand? it’s a control thing. and also a measure of how hard she is working to ensure her future. it’s…admirable. on a character level i mean--she’s definitely ruined lives but here everyone has too to a certain extent.
we aren’t dealing with perfect characters and I love that; perfection doesn’t exist. and that doesn’t take away from the story for me at all, in fact it's what makes it so fucking special sobs. I actually like it that jeoh isn’t a ‘no I will never stoop to what those I hated did’ because that wouldn’t really be…realistic to people who have had absolutely nothing and no one on their side, and were forced to sell themselves like that. and we see the ‘price’ he has to pay for that, what comes to haunt him. and we see how he decides to respond. so thematically too with the whole chess game there's SO MUCH THERE(#@$#@$@#)!()!DOFD that i can't even get into cause here but I don’t know that I’d say jeoh’s a pawn—I’d have to go back to reread the descriptions, but seungroks definitely cannon. if anything jeoh feels like the king (from seungrok’s perspective); but here jeoh is also trying to protect seungrok and it is so fucking touching T_T how he goes ‘oh…’ and blushes knowing he wants to meet his deadbeat father? like that man is so in love with you jeoh. GOD.
overall, the existentialist themes this story broaches is fucking fantastic. the reframing of meaning, of narratives is so poetic. their relationship means so much to me LMAO like I am so unwell with how much they love each other, what their love does for each other. you can tell from the way they talk to each other it’s so endearing. and how they initially skirt around it, because it is deemed as a vulnerability (#abandonmentissues) a weakness, but with the foundation they’ve been steadily building, it becomes…a strength. just as jeoh said; whatever trials and tribulations come their way actually fortifies their bond. and so, it is something they’ve affirmed. what good is regret, then? meaning--life is what you make of it. and whatever ends up happening, especially when it’s painful, know that it was also part of a grander process without which you could have arrived to later precious moments. we never know how things are going to turn out, and even if mired in anxieties, uncertainty is a good thing because that means that they can go any which way. so keep going, even if you can't see the end.
i could honestly go on forever but if u read this far ty ily this became such a hyperfixation. i'm so impressed with the depth this author is able to go--treating themes many will shy away from or do so in poor taste with such care is so incredible. the way they write is so evocative and poetic i wish i could tell them how rich their story is.