Responses
I want to dislike this comment, because I'm actually enjoying the story, but you're right and this post has made some very good points, so I'll acknowledge to you that I'm very happy you made these points. :)
Constructive criticism is always best
I want to like this...but, it feels really sloppy and all over the place... It jumps from scene to scene too much and doesn't give you enough time to read about a character and figure out their personality to get attached to them. They kinda just threw all the characters out there and it made it feel like I'm in the middle of the story rather than the beginning.