Soohyun is literally my soul animal in the first few chapters. I related so much, every sentence, every event in his life it's insane.
I've always had attachment issues. My mother, a cousin of mine and my classmate.
I thoughti was talented. I got told i was attractive growing up, always the number one student, always the popular one.
But upon stumbling by that person did i realize how painfully average i was. At first, i didn't pay much attention to them. But upon always losing in terms of studies and getting compared to them they bogged my mind every moment. When I'm in trouble, when I'm happy, when I'm idle, and even in my dreamd that person always appeared in my mind. What would they do in my situation?
There wasn't a day i didn't constantly think about that person in my class, even in holidays.
When i found out our bitrth months were the same, i was happy. Same goes when i found out we were the same height. Having similarities, even if they were meaningless made me happy. Even the same flaws made me content.
Copying and envying the 'perfect person' with good looks, good grades, rich, talented, popular. I copied the person's erasers, pencils, way of arranging books, way of sitting, way of talking, hairstyle, pencil case, behaiviour in class, their habits, etc.
My eyes never left that person even for a moment. Every single one of the flaws they had just seemed cute and endearing to me.
Everyone loved them, and so did i. I envied, felt inferior, loved and hated them. Though it was all one sided on my part. I wanted to see them fall down, but i wanted to continue them to be the same way they always were. Smart, good looking, successful. I didn't even use social media much at the time but i constantly looked for their pictures whether it be family photos, class photos, photos with friends, photos about them shared on the class group and more where their faces were in the background. I cropped the pictures to oy forcus on their faces cause holy shit i could look at it for hours.
Why did you have everything i wanted?
Why did you have everything i didn't?
Looking and admiring them made me feel like a pathetic piece of inferior shit. Just an extra born to serve as a classmate to them. Nothing more. Just one of the 100000 million admirers they will have.
I want to look at them all the time, yet i don't want them to be in the same class as me. Cause we get compared all the time. Im sure i hide my inferiority complex fairly well, acting like a stranger who talks to them when required and minds their own business.
I dont consider them a romantic interest because of many reasons. 1. I'm not homosexual. 2. I don't even deserve to. I'm nowhere worth it to have feelings for them. 3. I envy them too much for that.
But even as i search for simple crushes or romantic interests, i really find it hard to find anyone else as interesting. Because thay person has become my standard.
Even to this day, i can't move on. It's parasocial, and painful, being this attached.
Its disgusting.
(point is that i was an obsessive freak and yeah, still am even after graduation.)
(Yapping about the darkest times of my life.)
Soohyun is literally my soul animal in the first few chapters. I related so much, every sentence, every event in his life it's insane.
I've always had attachment issues. My mother, a cousin of mine and my classmate.
I thoughti was talented. I got told i was attractive growing up, always the number one student, always the popular one.
But upon stumbling by that person did i realize how painfully average i was. At first, i didn't pay much attention to them. But upon always losing in terms of studies and getting compared to them they bogged my mind every moment. When I'm in trouble, when I'm happy, when I'm idle, and even in my dreamd that person always appeared in my mind. What would they do in my situation?
There wasn't a day i didn't constantly think about that person in my class, even in holidays.
When i found out our bitrth months were the same, i was happy. Same goes when i found out we were the same height. Having similarities, even if they were meaningless made me happy. Even the same flaws made me content.
Copying and envying the 'perfect person' with good looks, good grades, rich, talented, popular. I copied the person's erasers, pencils, way of arranging books, way of sitting, way of talking, hairstyle, pencil case, behaiviour in class, their habits, etc.
My eyes never left that person even for a moment. Every single one of the flaws they had just seemed cute and endearing to me.
Everyone loved them, and so did i. I envied, felt inferior, loved and hated them. Though it was all one sided on my part. I wanted to see them fall down, but i wanted to continue them to be the same way they always were. Smart, good looking, successful. I didn't even use social media much at the time but i constantly looked for their pictures whether it be family photos, class photos, photos with friends, photos about them shared on the class group and more where their faces were in the background. I cropped the pictures to oy forcus on their faces cause holy shit i could look at it for hours.
Why did you have everything i wanted?
Why did you have everything i didn't?
Looking and admiring them made me feel like a pathetic piece of inferior shit. Just an extra born to serve as a classmate to them. Nothing more. Just one of the 100000 million admirers they will have.
I want to look at them all the time, yet i don't want them to be in the same class as me. Cause we get compared all the time. Im sure i hide my inferiority complex fairly well, acting like a stranger who talks to them when required and minds their own business.
I dont consider them a romantic interest because of many reasons.
1. I'm not homosexual.
2. I don't even deserve to. I'm nowhere worth it to have feelings for them.
3. I envy them too much for that.
But even as i search for simple crushes or romantic interests, i really find it hard to find anyone else as interesting. Because thay person has become my standard.
Even to this day, i can't move on. It's parasocial, and painful, being this attached.
Its disgusting.
(point is that i was an obsessive freak and yeah, still am even after graduation.)