Soo...basically. The challenges of depression are no secret. And as soon as it influences social contacts it actually needs a therapy of some kind. Just saying.
But why the would you tell your life story here? I'm confused.
You know, this is a question-section...so what's your question?^^
Oh shit, sorry, I left that out. HAHAHA the question is, how to actually stay sane while befriending these type of people? I'm actually at the end of the rope, bcuz it takes quite a toll mentally. I wonder if some people here have ever exp this and if someone have good tips and advice?
I'm gonna edit the post.
Man I relate to this a lot I actually have two friends like this.
I'm optimistic, so when one of them lashes out I usually have a positive reply or a witty joke
(depends on what they're mad about)
that changes the mood for a short amount of time.
Though when I was younger (I knew one of them since elementary)
I wasn't as optimistic and extremely shy it took quite a toll on stressed out child me.
I'd usually write all my feelings in my diary and make a list of all the good times vs bad times we had.
That's what I did to cope. But I don't know if it will be as effective on you since everyone copes in different ways.
Alright. That makes it clearer.
There are several thinks you probably need to understand about depression and about yourself.
1. Depression, in whatever kind and degree, is a mental illness - and as such only the person itself can heal it. There therapies and projects, or even your own acts, that can help overcome it, but it's still the person itself who is responsible for it. As this is the case: YOU are not responsible for "healing" your friend AND you are also not responsible if she decides to die. It's her life.
2. There is a difference between sadness and depression. And there is a difference between acting spoiled and depression. From your description I couldn't actually tell with 100% that your friend has mental illness or is just behaving in a naricssitic way.
3. The best way to help people with depression is to live your own life! If they have people around them who are enjoying their life they are more likely to think the same and come out of their hole.
4. If you think your loosing yourself in the relationship and you are in danger of getting sucked into a depression as well - stay away. It helps nobody if you're commiting a double suicide.
5. There are projects like "MoreLoveLetters" that can help your friend to get back some sel-esttem and trust in the goodwill of the people around her and all over the world. Take a look at moreloveletters.com. I tried it out and it made a friend of mine incredibly happy and it also had a lasting effect, at least I hope so.
6. Don't blame yourself for anything that happens - as i said, you're not responsible for her life.
And last but not least, 7. Don't see death as an enemy.
I, too, have a depression, but I know how it influences my mind, and I am fighting against it, so I tried various things, reading stories from buddhism that help me relax are the most effective so far (check out Ajahn Brahm) - it also helps "normal" people (if there is such a thing) to stay sane and be a bit more calm about life - he also gives a lot practical tips for psychological issues which are just part of life actually! :)
As for experience - as I said I'm struggling myself, and my uncle commited suicide, a friend of a friend of mine as well. Reasons for depression can be anything - but basically, low self-esteem is proably part in all of it and there is often a reason for it that lies in past experiences.
My last tipp is: Don't play doctor. You will probably just make it worse. Just be yourself - is the best thing you can do! :) And care for yourself - have high self-esteem and encourage others to care for themselves as well. The mentality of "not caring" ("I don't care", "It doesn't matter") is etremly harmful for us, for all humans, and the whole planet. We should care. About everything. In the right manner. While finding the right balance. The middle.
Hope that helps a bit! ;)
Well said!
Keep up the fight (๑•ㅂ•)و✧
ps : that "MoveLoveLetters" thing sounds like a great idea, had never heard about it before
You have two friends like this? Man, you are one tough cookie!
I never had any close friends that were fighting against depression, so when I met one in uni, I was seriously out of my depth. And I agree that witty jokes and positive comments does help to a certain point. (As my friend is normally self loathing when it hits her hard, she hates herself too much sometimes).
I started off as someone who doesn't generally think much to what people say, I just took it at face value. Now, I'm somehow critical, I find if there are double meanings behind those words (as I had to constantly read my friend's mood from her words). I get quite good it in, and it kinda helps my career in a way. I love your idea for writing good and bad times down, never really did that before...maybe it could work a bit for my destressing.
I really appreciate your suggestion and advice! Thank you for you help! :)
First of all, I want to thank you for the lovely advice! It means a lot to me that you're willing to help! :D
1. This really hits me hard. In the early days, I've been trying to help her "heal" somewhat, but as the years went by I realized that I can't do what she doesn't want to. So I become so afraid for her, but I guess you are quite right there. It is her life. Hearing you said that appease me quite a bit (because sometimes I will think like this and I find myself guilt ridden for the rest of the day).
2. I'm not quite sure about that sometimes, because my friend has a really bad self loathing tendency. Sometimes I detect its more of the sadness that she held, rather than the depression itself. I get quite irked if she acted "tragic heroine" like (because sometimes she acted as if other people's problem is not as bad as hers. Which can get me upset as I do have my own set of problems).
3. This part is quite rght in a way! She seems to brighten up when she sees photos friends get-together and willing to join in most of the time.
4. This is what I'm really afraid of at this stage. I do get stressed out as I had to act as if there's nothing wrong with my life when I'm with her. Some of my friends expresses their concerns regarding this and I feel grateful to have such great friends around. I will keep this in check in the future.
5. Oh! I never heard about this. Thank you for the recommendation. I will definitely check this out!
6. So far, I've not put the blame on myself yet. I will try to think this way if it ever goes wrong.
7. This last tip is really hard, as I always see death as the end. But if it ever happens (and I hope it doesn't) I hope I will be able to take comfort in the fact that she's no longer in constant mental pain.
I really appreacite you sharing your experience and advice! Thank you so much, really can't thank enough! Especially think the last tip is a good one. I will keep in check not to play doctor with my friend, but rather just be there and hear her out when she needs me.
Here's a BIG hug for you *hugs* You are a wonderful human being! Stay awesome! :)
I never heard of it myself! Will be checking that out soon, it sounds great indeed, :)
You're very welcome!
You are always welcoem to contact me in the future, if something happens or you have another question (▰˘◡˘▰)
I can really recommend it!
You can write them here: http://moreloveletters.squarespace.com/contact/ (tell them, waht you like about the project and that you would like to nominate a friend of yours for the love letter requests)
They get several loveletter-nominations every week and then pick the ones who they think are written truthful and need a lot of attention - so you may need a bit of luck, but I don't think that's neccessary as long as your write from the bottom of your heart. ;)
If they choose your friend, they will set up your adress under "love letter requests" along with a text about your friend and why she deserves love letters from all over the world. And after two or three weeks you can give your friend the love letter bundles (▰˘◡˘▰)
There are a lot of stories about other people and their bundles you can check out as well :)
Thanks! (●'◡'●)ﾉ
Σ( ￣□￣||) Ugh!
I replied to the wrong post, sorry (￣∇￣")
EDITED:
I Actually left out the question! HAHAHA the question is, how to actually stay sane while befriending these type of people? I'm actually at the end of the rope, bcuz it takes quite a toll mentally. I wonder if some people here have ever exp this and if someone have good tips and advice?
Okay, what a way to start a topic and this has nothing to do with a manga of any sort, but I kinda feel like sharing a personal experience that I have went through ever since university days so that you can know what I'm facing and maybe give a good advice or tips?. BEWARE, this is a long ass post. If you feel like reading on, go ahead…just we warned!
I befriended a girl (let's call her Evelyn) in my first year of university (6 years of friendship and counting) and she’s the best friend that never I thought I would have in this life. During our second year, I realized that she was fighting against depression and I tried to be as supporting as I can at that time. Thought she was better, but as the years goes by I realized depression doesn't really get "cured"... in fact it comes and goes.
When her mood is good, she is that cheerful friend you can hang out and be crazy with. Dependable, loyal and unnecessarily selfless.
When her depression paid a visit, well... lets just say she won't even want to see my face, or even talk to me. She would lock herself up, deactivate her social accounts and just be by herself. I couldn't get through to her at all in this stage, so normally I would keep a lookout until she's ready to uncocoon herself.
And this cycle continues until the end of our University days. Two months before graduation, we had a really big fight when another close friend of mine confided in me that Evelyn had been badmouthing me behind my back. As proof, she even sent all the screencaptured statuses that Evelyn had posted. Sad, dejected and feeling utterly betrayed, I cut off all contacts with Evelyn (no more daily online chats, we had been doing that since the first year).
A week before graduation day, Evelyn get in touched with me and apologized profusely for her behaviour. She finally opened up to me that her depression wasn't just any normal depression, she is experiencing bipolar depression. She explained that when it comes, she couldn't think clearly and her mood just shifts so suddenly that she lashes out on the person that's closets to her. Normally in this period of time, she would spew all her negative thoughts in her tweets/status before deleting it at the end of the day and deactivating her accounts all together.
Normally, I forgave her that day (we were graduating less than a week and I still hope to have a picture taken together with our robes) , but I asked her to give me some space before we could go back to how things were.
I seek out my other friends and asked for their opinion. Most were reluctant to give a positive feedback as they have known for a while how Evelyn had been treating me behind my back. And one even said: "I know you’re just trying to be a good friend for her. But would you really think she wouldn’t do it again? She would just keep on blaming it on her depression the next time around! With her poisonous words, do you think you can endure it if she betrays you again?”
It took me a whole month before I decided to take a chance on her. Probably the biggest “go ahead” sign for me was because we were all going back to our hometown after graduation. Since Evelyn lived far away (like 2 hours of flight time) from my hometown, I decided it was safe enough to start anew and kept in touch with her like before (online chatting).
We became close again over the months as job hunting begins. The only thing that changes was that, she became more open with me with her problems and depression (sharing all the negative thoughts she had). While I on the other hand, didn’t share my stress load as much (we used to vent out the stress together, but I’m more careful with my words now as I don’t want another episode to happen, in case my words trigger her bipolar mood swings).
The job hunting period was a nightmare for both of us. I was hopping between jobs and Evelyn couldn’t secure a more financially balanced work. To make matters worse, she was having a family problem (that I don’t wish to discuss here). She unloads her frustration and anger through our online session and I tried to help as best as I could (while managing my own stress levels). I was currently working as customer service exec, and let me tell you, it was a pretty shitty job.
Sometimes I felt so bad that I wanted to lash out on her, but then I would immediately feel a sense of guilt because I realized, her situation was indeed worse than mine. And I also knew the consequences of my lashing, seeing as she had shared her deepest darkest secret: her attempted suicide during her senior year in high school.
So I bottled it all inside and vent my stress to my older sister when I couldn’t take it anymore. Thankfully for me, my sister is such an optimist that I felt better just talking to her.
Year 2016 rolled by and I finally secured my dream job. I quit the customer service job so fast that I forgot the contract stated 4 months prior notice. So yeah, I did get into trouble a bit there (like my two months salary getting suspended for a while), but all is well! I shared my excitement with Evelyn (forgetting to check on her mood first like I always do nowadays), she seemed happy for me and I took it at face value.
After that short chatting session, Evelyn went dark for two weeks. I didn’t think much because she does that sometimes. I didn’t have the habit of starting a conversation when she was in a mood (as she would lash out and I don’t want my feelings to get hurt unnecessarily).
When she finally messaged, alarm bells went off in my head because she started the conversation with: “I don’t deserve to live. I wish I can die.”
I begged and persuaded her softly to let me know what was happening. She finally broke down and confessed that she had been on a row with her brother and in her anger she threw a vase which injured her mother. She said she went manic with anger that she even swung around a knife, which thankfully didn’t injure anyone, and only stopped when she realized her mother was bleeding. That night, our conversation was so dark I couldn’t remember what was mostly said. All I could remember was that I continually begged her not to do anything stupid. Evelyn promised that she wouldn’t, but notified me she was in need of some time alone.
I thought it was bad to leave her alone at that crucial moment. I went and asked for opinion from another close friend (Helena) and we booked flight tickets to Evelyn’s hometown for the coming week. We wanted to go as soon as possible, unfortunately, the flight was fully booked for that weekend. Evelyn was delightfully happy by our surprise visit. We scoured her little island (Evelyn is an island born girl), ate great food, played at the beach and eventually stared at the beautiful sunset. Never once did we broached the subject about her family. Or the fact that she had that undeniable urge to end her life just last week.
At the end of our trip, Evelyn sent us to the airport. We group hugged and Evelyn sincerely thanked us for spending the weekend with her (and that she was touched that we spend a lot just to come and visit her on her island). I was still worried that we never talk about her problems, but decided it was the best outcome as Evelyn kept in contact with both Helena and I whenever she felt down.
Evelyn eventually got a new stable job (which she frets constantly during the interview and orientation stage) and everything was pretty much going well. Her mood also improves as she finally decided to seek for professional help. She couldn’t really visit a psychiatric specialist due to financial problems, but she was supplied with depression meds. Somehow, Evelyn said it helps quite a lot. She was no longer easily irritable over simple stuff. We were truly happy for her.
Everything was going so well for us (Helena constantly joining in our online chats now), that is until….Evelyn accidentally falls in love with her colleague at work.
I knew the moment she confided in us that she has a crush on one of her colleagues that this could be the ultimate of “to make” or “break her” indefinitely. So we treaded the topic carefully. Asking how they met, why she like him… ya-da ya-da all those shebang questions you asked when your best friend finally falls in love with someone after 24 years of denying even liking anyone!
He sounds like the great candidate and a real gentleman indeed. But then…
“There’s just one problem” Evelyn said.
“What? What’s the problem now? He sounds great!”
“He already has a girlfriend.”
It took me awhile before I could reply without screaming: “Woman! You’re digging your own grave right now. What’s wrong with you!”
And calmly replied “Ah, well, at least he’s not married yet! You still have a chance!” Yes, I feel shitty for saying that, but what else I can say? Sorry mystery girlfriend, but I have a bipolar friend that needs my full support right now!
“There’s another problem. I think my friend here likes him too…” Evelyn replied.
Oh shit, I knew what she was going to say. Evelyn had the tendency to laugh off her crush and bottled up her feelings while spewing silently in jealousy when someone else gets close to her crush. And that was just a crush. This is LOVE!
“Evelyn, you didn’t do anything stupid…did you?”
“I just… you know how I act around crushes! When I noticed my friend liked him too, I teased her that they make a perfect couple and push her towards him. I didn’t intend for the whole department to join in on the teasing! I just, I know it’s my fault…but I can’t help feeling unreasonable jealousy whenever I see them together! This is stupid… I hate this feeling.”
Oh fuck, she did it. This woman is going to be the death of me. What the hell am I going to do? Precisely, there’s nothing I can do! This is between Evelyn, her stupid love crush, her colleague/friend and the mystery girlfriend. This is no longer those love triangle, this is already a square! AND I’m not even in the equation for god’s sake. Why am I the one fretting over here?
So anyway, long story short (that is after weeks and weeks of her fawning over the guy and she really couldn’t help herself), like I mostly dreaded, Evelyn got rejected. She mostly expected the outcome so she took it quite well….at first. But are you familiar with the process of knowing you get rejected to accepting you get rejected? Those dreadful days where you feel fine until you saw him again at work and talking to that one girl you’re already jealous about?
Yeah…Evelyn is on that stage right now. The worst part is that, she had a lid on her mood and was in check of her depression due to the meds. Last week, she tried to stop taking the meds with the doctor’s advice (she was still young and the doctor wanted to prevent her from relying on the meds too much as it can damage her kidneys on the long run). Believe me when I say, that was the worst decision she had ever did.
Her depression came full force once again after so long (the meds help to certain extent, however, her feelings for the guy made her happy just by seeing him close by), that she was overcome with negative emotions again. Thankfully, Evelyn still seek our help at the time and we slowly advised her to take the meds again. I don’t know what would happen from now on and I’m seriously at the end of the rope. Being her friend and giving her advice could only go so far if she still willingly hear our advice.
I’m afraid to even think …. What if she doesn’t want to hear reason from us anymore?
What if she lose faith in us? In the world? Like she already did with her family?
What then? Would Evelyn attempt it once again?
I seriously do not know where all of this will lead. Sometimes I caught myself thinking that if only I didn’t meet Evelyn. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so troubled or feared for someone like this and live my life in ignorance.
Sometimes I would imagine if only she didn’t come from a broken home. Maybe she would be that one hella confident girl who has badass skills (no seriously, Evelyn has a lot of skills aside from girly stuff, she even joined the military camp and aced that shit in high school).
But then I realized, I wouldn’t have known her as Evelyn would have attended a surgeon school like she originally planned. It doesn’t feel right if she’s no longer my friend. No matter what happens from now on, I don’t think I would ever regret befriending this one special girl.
Yes, it is tough and a truly hard challenge to stay as a good friend for a bipolar depressed person with suicidal tendencies to boot. I wouldn’t lie and sugarcoat saying that it will all be fine in due time, because that’s bullshit! People with depression as critical as this does not get “cured”, I realized what they need is for someone to be there hear them out even though you have no clue what the hell you’re going to do for them. Sometimes people treat depression lightly because they can’t see the damage. Believe me, this psychological damage is far greater and scarier as you wouldn’t realize that someone is fighting against it until it is too late.
Welp, that's the long ass explanation of why I asked the question how to be sane.