Sweetheart, i know its hard now, and thats why you came here to vent, but i think what you need is professional help that can help you overcome this and feel better, they can help you get better. I hope the best for you and please remember your are loved, i love you and i would miss you.
That sounds horrible. I had those thoughts and that's when I thought I needed to go to therapy and seek help. Just remember that during this hard time, you are still valid, you are still important, and have a purpose. When things don't make me happy anymore, I honestly take a break. I walk away from it. I was a photographer, but it gave me so much anxiety that I stopped. Then I got into webtoons and manga again. Seeing the pretty art made me thing of taking photos again. Anyway. Please seek help in anyway you think is possible.
Have you ever felt like u don't want to be happy? Or that you don't deserve happiness. I literally spend half my days thinking of how to die. If I take up a sharp object or if I'm cooking I'll literally look at the knife and think "why don't u just stab yourself". Sigh the things I used to enjoy and make me happy don't do that anymore. I don't know what to do.