I'm not okay.......

This is way too realistic. It hurt so bad to read this. I was crying the whole time. And literally had to take breaks as I read it because it hurt too much and made me want to drop it just so I wouldn't cry any more. Eventually finished it and it absolutely was worth it, but it was all too tangible and reminiscent of my own journey with internalized homophobia and reaching self-acceptance. But I don't know where to start about how many things wrong were in this. From this ephebophilic relationship to the rest.

First off, this Jun and Makoto pairing, while it's gross. I am all too aware of how real of an issue this is. I've been in such a pairing in the past. And have all too many acquaintances who also have a similar story as well. It's unfortunately not all that unheard of for older men to take advantage or younger conflicted youths. And because of that, I'm very well placed to know that such things can be "consensual" in a way. But this so-called "consent" usually in the end only equates to yet another means of self-harm for said youth. Yes, as crazy as it may sound to some, even sex can be self-harm if done for the wrong reasons. And Jun said so himself. This was a means for him to feel something. And reading this truly hurt by how raw and harsh it was in shoving this reality at you. Whilst Jun is still a minor. He'd rather be used by a child predator, than not be able to experience his only "normal" and feel some type of "love". It grosses me out so much reading about characters taking advantage of younger people like that. Seeing this full-grown adult lusting after a child, and worse, using this child as a replacement for his own son?? His own flesh and blood??? Disgusting. And as for how Makoto and Jun's relationship's came to end... Honestly. Very well done. I'll give you that it was quite realistic as well. I liked that at least both characters reached some sort of conclusion and went on their separate ways, As well as Makoto's character being honest about his sexual disorder. Still low-key want him in jail tho ngl.

Also, is anyone going to talk about how Ryouhei casually sexually harasses everyone around him? Forcefully groping them against their will? This guy truly irked me. Then, about Kondo, the college girl's boyfriend, he truly got to my nerves with all of his homophobic nonsense. It also painfully reminded me of stories from the rise of the HIV and AIDS crisis amongst the LGBT+ (and especially the MLM) community of 1981/84... When he went and dared saying: "I don't want to be in the same bath with some homo. If I get infected with aids or something - that'd be some joke." There used to be bad rumors going around about how you could catch HIV barely through touching or breathing the same air as an infected person. I've heard all too many horror stories surrounding this period and what it entailed for the LGBT+ community. It broke my heart how real this statement felt. It resonated all too hard. Even nowadays, some ignorant people still believe in this myth. Then, when "Mr. Fahrenheit" committed suicide, Jun's inquiries were so strong and, once more, it all hit too close to home. I don't think there's a single LGBT+ person out there who hasn't asked themselves these very same questions... Why are we here? If our species truly was divided into male and females to effectively reproduce, then why are we here? Why hasn't evolution culled us out? Or is it just an illness as they say? Some evil that needs to be cured? These very questions are at the root of every single LGBT+ person out there. Later in chapter 6, when Ryouhei speaks as if he's cool with Jun being gay, but Jun thinks: "you say nothing has changed... Then why didn't you grab my crotch just now as you usually would?" and walks out. That also hits way too close. After a friend found out I was gay, their up 'til then carefree behavior around me changed. They used to be thoughtless and we'd think nothing of it, changing in front of each other without any second thought whatsoever, we'd be very touchy feely with one another. Yet as soon as they learned I was gay, all that suddenly changed. They claimed that they were "fine with it", yet, the way they'd interact with me had done a 180. They treated me like a predator. Ready to pounce at them at any second. Soon after, when Jun lashed out at his mother after his suicide attempt it just activated my swimming pool mode once more.

Finally, I'd also like to leave my thoughts here of Miura's character, as after seeing so many comments going "fetishization" missing the point the author tried to make kind of frustrated me. So here goes: To me, Miura's character is an "anchor", if you will... Whilst she does undeniably fetishizes gay men which is a problem, the point that the author tried to make is that she really isn't a bad person at all. And personally, I truly liked her.

Being a Fujoshi does not inherently make someone a bad person, it just means that this person lacks education on the matter and needs a good talking to about MLM. She is an "anchor" in the sense of how supportive she was of Jun, and this soulmate-like bond that they displayed. They grew truly close to one another and obviously had a great deal of an impact onto each other's lives. She stood by him when he needed it. She may have goofed up here and there, but she is a truly kind-hearted girl in the end. Her role was truly a major one. That of both a mediator and an anchor for Jun to keep on holding on. And it was really well made. And I personally did like how this work also does not demonize fujoshis. I don't condone fetishizing, and truly despise it. I'm not a pet. I don't want to be lurked at by horny people who see my identity as mere entertainment, but Fujoshi is not equal to the person being bad. And this story did a great job at displaying this.

As i said previously, she needs to be educated, but she is far from being a bad person. If anything, she is a truly loyal and a profoundly kind-hearted young girl. It was quite pleasant to read about a perspective I fail to see all too much around me. I always feel like the "odd one out" since I don't think being a non-MLM BL reader makes someone inherently bad, let alone does it mean they fetishize MLM solely by reading such works. To me, people like Miura are merely people who are lacking proper education on LGBT+ relationships as well as real exposure to Queer people. And to me, the author did a great job at explaining this through Jun and Miura's relationship. They both listened and taught the other side about them. And that's what we should strive to do. I hope you see what I'm trying to say.