this was heartbreaking, but hopeful

the differences between jihyun and kyujin and their relationship and perceptions of chiwoo are so STARK but subtle and its just so interesting to read. where jihyun obviously was overly possessive, abusive and constantly tried to isolate chiwoo so he was his only 'option', kyujin actively encourages and is happy for chiwoo making friends finally. of course, he also wants his alone time with chiwoo, but he helps chi woo make friends and enjoy school. also, their pursuit for chiwoo is so different too! jihyun is ofc violent and obsessive, ignoring chiwoo's firm no's, manhandling him and grabbing him constantly. and while kyujin is also grabby and touchy, he respects chiwoo when he says no instantly, and though he persists his confessions despite constant rejection, its super respectful and patient because he knows chiwoo also likes him, he's just not ready.

AND THE APOLOGY. this is where i realised "oh so he's irredeemable" in regards to jihyun. throughout the entire apology, he just made excuses and justifications for his rape "i just loved you so much" "i was anxious that you liked other people" "i did that because i liked you so much" "i will wait until you forgive me" "this is unfair" - it actually makes me quite sick. at this point, i genuinely don't think he is a redeemable character and that this apology is selfish and childish. i felt so, so fucking bad for chiwoo throughout this whole manwha, but the ending killed me. he had to sit there and explain to his ex best friend, his rapist how badly his life had been fucked up. he had to talk him through it and he did it politely. its disgusting and i absolutely hated jihyun for it. i think the author did a fantastic but vivid job of showing how terrified chiwoo really was of jihyun, and it made it so awful but heartbreaking to read.

i've seen a lot of people sympathising with jihyun and saying they wish he would get someone who loved him. i, bluntly, do not. i don't want rapists to be happy. i don't want abusers to be happy. everyone is mad as jihyuns dad for being abusive, no one is sympathising with him because he's an abuser. well, so is jihyun. i don't care if he was abused as a child - that's no excuse and it does not wash away or excuse the terror he inflicted upon chiwoo. as soon as someone takes the choice to inflict pain and cruelty upon someone else, they forfeit the right for happiness, and in my opinion, breathable air :). i don't want the fucker happy, i want him in jail. rapists can choke, thats the hill i will die on.